I need help with my relationship with an adult child

[!!!!!]

My kiddo is almost 25 . Since the age of about 13 we have been on a roller coaster ride. Things have become a lot better in retrospect but, the bottom can still fall out when things seem to be going  really well. The last almost 2 years have been exotic dancing while still in college. There is no need to work as a college fund exists. It upsets us greatly because our kid comes from a history of sexual traumas at the hands of peers when in middle school and high school. I am at a loss. I never thought this would last this long. We support and do not judge . But it is breaking us because we can’t understand or help. Obviously this is much much better than the early days of self harm and a brief psychiatric stint as a result. What lies ahead? I worry myself sick over the future- literally had heart issues recently that required intervention. I don’t know how to save my kid. And the evasiveness comes into play and then who knows what’s really happening. I do engage in my own therapy and have been in therapy since this all started. Some days are just hard.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CoffeeFirst]

I know this worry too, and it is very hard.
We worry about their safety, their self-destructiveness, their futures.
My young twenties daughter sells explicit content on Onlyfans, and how she promotes her content is distressing and shocking.
She received generous financial support from us, so money was not the motivation. I used to torture myself thinking that my often expressed view that pornography and prostitution are inherently harmful for women and girls was a factor in her choosing this. I thought I was safeguarding her with information, but overlooked her persistent need to prove me wrong - about my beliefs, politics and associations.

I have no suggestions or solutions to offer.
Just empathy and understanding.
It is distressing and we wish so much for our adult children to make safer, healthier choices.
You are not alone.
❤️

[CC43]

I can empathize with both of you.  My diagnosed stepdaughter is about the same age and apparently needlessly puts herself in sketchy situations.  She's tried selling provocative photos on the internet.  She's attracted to the modeling scene.  She said she's posted videos that went viral.  I can only imagine their content.

I think she's both naive and eager to get attention, and "likes."  In a way, I think she has a childish dream of becoming a princess:  adored by the public, beautiful, with people catering to her every whim. Constant consumption of social media makes this a compelling route.  It seems there are many young "influencers" out there who appear to have everything:  looks, fans, fun and the easy life, supposedly earning "millions" with a few posts.  That would be infinitely easier than having to earn a degree or to work full-time and support oneself as an adult, right?  The fantasy seems irresistible.  And maybe in young people's minds today, a thousand online friends are better than one real-life friend.  But I think the reverse is true.

I think it's taken my stepdaughter some time to figure out that posting provocative photos gets the wrong kind of attention.  I've gently tried to explain to her how the modeling world is exploitative, and that chances of making even a modest living from it are less than slim.  That doesn't mean she's not beautiful.  But I think she had to live the experience, paying hundreds of dollars for photos for her portfolio, to learn the lesson.  And maybe she's just a little slow to learn, because the fantasy is so compelling, and the positive feedback from strangers (e.g. the agency taking her money) motivates her.  To her, the alternative is too painful:  figuring out who she is!  studying!  getting a job!  Reality and adulting seem so hard by comparison.

I also tend to think that the identity of a person with BPD (at least in my stepdaughter's case) is fragile.  She doesn't seem to know who she is or what she wants.  She's afraid of growing up, too.  So she's impulsive and always looking for the "easy" way, overly influenced by external approval (e.g. internet likes).  Her internal compass is unreliable in my opinion, maybe because her emotions are all over the place.

I guess it's natural to become constant worriers.  But I also believe that experience, and failure, are an excellent teacher.  I just hope that it doesn't break her in the process.  I do think that she hears some loving encouragement and advice, but her mental state is such that she won't act on it, because it's too hard for her to take.  Accepting reality is tough, especially so for people with BPD I think.