This is tough

[BT400]

Am I alone?  It has felt like I have been for a long time. So I’m reaching out here. And asking for feedback.

My 13 year old daughter has displayed BPD tendencies for many years.I could see aspects of it when she was younger. Too many examples to list, but, one is that when she was 8 and didn’t get her way she asked Siri to call 911 on me. Simply b/c I asked her for the 10th time that we could leave an event we were at. It has gotten exceptionally worse over the past 1-2 years. And I’m exhausted. And I feel guilt over saying “yes” too often in the past but also for now setting firmer boundaries but have no choice but to do so for my own health and sanity.

I was married to her mother for 5 long years. She exhibited extreme BPD behaviors and covert NPD. It was chaotic and I gave and gave, while she took and took. Until I finally left b/c I couldn’t take it anymore. And now I have a 13 year old daughter who behaves the exact same way. And it is disheartening. I was mindful of the potential of her being genetically and environmentally pre disposed since she lived primarily with her mother and was with me on weekends and summers and holidays etc. And she lives 2 hours away. Her mother chose to live in a small town that is 2 hours away from where she grew up and actually has a support system. She has no family at all in this town she lives in. For years I tried really hard to provide a softer place to land for my daughter, be empathetic, supportive, make her feel heard, and to give her a positive environment, and show her through my actions of another way to be.I guess I was hopeful that this could counteract at an earlier age what I feared could be inevitable. I have to accept that I’ve lost that “battle” and is a mini me of her mom.

I found myself trying to be super dad for her. Constantly going out of my way to be there for her and at times went way above and beyond with things. And I said “yes” to a lot of things which turned into saying “yes” to too many things. Which didn’t work either. And now I’m at a point where my mental and physical health started deteriorating b/c of the choices I was making and the behavior she continued with. And she’s alienated people I was close with. For some it was too much collateral baggage. She has pushed away relationships with women I cared about.

After 13 years of being a rock and going above and beyond at times (to my own detriment), starting this year I’ve had to back away from seeing her as much.  Which I feel guilt for but also decided I need to take care of myself.The dread of seeing her and running all over me and lashing out and being abusive just became too much. I have  begun setting clear boundaries with her and offering that the door is open to her any time when she can be more respectful and less abusive. That doesn’t seem to work either and I’m afraid just makes her more upset and hurt. I wish I could take away her hurt. But I don’t believe that I can. And it feels cold and heartless and appears to some as well to not see her as much. But I’m struggling with doing it. She treats me as someone she only contacts when she wants $. Told me “well I guess I’m glad you’re not dead” after I shared some of the health scares that occurred for me. And is incredibly gifted at weaponizing whatever works for her about me when she doesn’t get what she wants. But it’s not much better when she does get what she wants either. I’m always the villain. False narratives about me by her mom and now her. She makes up things about me and tells them others when she doesn’t get what she wants.

I guess I’m just at a point where I can’t see her for a while. And it breaks my heart. But it just feels like a no win situation either way. Co-parenting with her mom and her illness is not possible either. I’m trying to set clear boundaries of how she treats me and what works b/c I feel like the giving tree and I don’t want to just have a stump left of me.

Most recently, she was sending me really text messages about being a bad father to her. Ruining her life. How her mom is amazing (6 months ago she begged to live with me) and how I’m awful. It all started b/c she wasn’t getting extra $ for a snow cone. And then it  wasn’t getting what she wanted for her birthday.  And on and on. Her messages were hurtful, disrespectful, displayed major contempt, and were abusive. Not the first time of course. But I set boundaries, and like always, she doesn’t take responsibility for any of it and turns it around and blames me. But I have been holding the line. And she kept going. And told me she didn’t want to come here for her birthday since she wasn’t getting what she wanted. And I eventually said I couldn’t have here at my house for her birthday and that she doesn’t get to communicate with me the way she has been in text or at my house. And I know this hurts her. And it hurts me. And it plays into her fear of abandonment. But I just don’t know what else to do. It doesn’t matter what it is—she blames me and weaponizes and thinks nothing of it, says incredibly hurtful things, and then goes right back to asking for more $ and things and getting her way. She’s incredibly smart and very manipulative. She takes advantage of me constantly.

Am I the only one dealing with these types of things?  I feel alone and exhausted mentally, physically, and spiritually. But I also feel like I’ve turned a corner. As awful as it sounds to not allow her to visit for her birthday, I’m holding the line and keeping my boundary. When she stops abusing me, she is welcome back with open arms. Although my experience with her mother tells me my daughter won’t improve. I’m getting slaughtered either way by both of them. I can feel sad, which I do. But I have to practice acceptance each day about it. And my emotions have to be almost muted to deal with it and hold the line on boundaries b/c I don’t deserve to be treated this way and I’ve let it go on for far too long and to my own detriment. My heart and kindness are taken advantage of and twisted around. I’m now having to be firm. If I don’t nobody else will.

Long ramble I know!!! Grateful for you listening. anyone else go through any of these types of things? Sometimes I feel crazy.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi BT400 and

This is tough. These are the hardest relationships, and people who have families without PD dynamics sometimes don't get it.

Like you found, intuitive relational moves ("just be nicer") don't always make things better when BPD is involved. Sometimes it can take more strategic thinking plus new tools, skills, and approaches, to get things "okay enough".

What kind of support do you have for yourself right now? Individual therapist, clergy person, family, friends?  

While (as far as I can tell) my husband's teen kids don't have BPD, their mom has many traits, and she remarried to a guy with many NPD traits, so it's in the family system. My H and I have needed a marriage counselor for ourselves, and I have an individual counselor, even though neither of us have a PD -- it's that difficult to cope with. I get it.

I've also signed up for the NEABPD's reputable Family Connections program, which is a free 8-12 week online program for family members of loved ones with BPD. My understanding of the program is that the leaders also have family members with BPD, so they have lived what you're living. There is a strong focus on current research, evidence based approaches, your own learning and skills improvement, and self care. Take a look -- could be a good fit.

...

Do you and her mom have any kind of cooperation/communication at this point? Are there any areas of coparenting where conflict is lower (transportation, attending school meetings, etc)? We are currently at zero communication with H's kids' mom right now, so I get it.

[BT400]

Thank you so much for making the time to read my long ramble and for responding. I do greatly appreciate it. It’s all so painful at times. And conflicting. I’m definitely going to check out the resources you mentioned. Thank you so much for that.I think it helps a lot not feeling alone and learning different skills to deal with it.

The relationship with her BPD mom is non existent. She has groomed my child and coaches her with several alienation tactics. She is high conflict and impossible to deal with for me. She creates false narratives about me still to this day after 15 years. She’s really sick.. She adds histrionics and chaos to an already challenging situation and creates the toxicity and dysfunction. I tried for years but there’s no way it ever works. Minimal communication is best.