Do I tell the kids their mom has BPD

[Mad Dog]

I am learning more and more about BPD and its effect on family. After considerable therapy for myself and udBPDw, I am in a quandary. My wife has not been formally diagnosed with BPD but the therapist who I was working with suggested "Stop walking on Eggshells." She said a colleague recommended it. She was quick to point out that she cannot diagnose my wife as she has never seen her. However, she collaborated with my wife's therapist during our sessions. We have 3 grown daughters (married with children) who have been on the receiving end all of their lives. I am the only one that has been the target of rages. Family and friends are unaware of what goes on, however I sometimes get the question of "what's wrong with mom" or what's wrong with your wife. I have divulged nothing with regards to BPD or therapy to anyone. I have been cautioned by a therapist that discussing my wife's BPD with our children would be detrimental. My heart aches at times and I want to tell them about BPD so that they have some understanding of their mom and why she does what she does.

My question: Should I broach the subject with my daughters or leave it be?

[ForeverDad]

Since most people with Borderline traits don't seem to get diagnosed - or we never learn of a diagnosis - this is a sensitive topic to discuss with others.  Often we are recommended not to wave around a diagnostic term since it can be perceived as a type of attack, especially by the pwBPD.

Another consideration is age.  Many here have minor children and are tempted to blurt out their conclusions, but that can cause problems.  Some of the children could have been reared to side with and 'protect' their disordered parent from any criticism.  Not healthy, but it happens all too often.  And not that you're criticizing, you're only explaining, but such explanations can get scrambled and misconstrued.

Since your children are grown, they ought to have a right to be aware of what you've learned.  Best to be a bit cautious.  If you have one child you observe is more accepting of mental health concepts and the topic lends itself to discussion, you might share the resources that were helpful to you.  Stop Walking on Eggshells is good, so are some of William Eddy's books, especially the ones on counter-intuitive but better communication skills.

While a book and articles may name a particular acting-out personality disorder or mental illness, best that you keep it in general terms, no diagnostic names.  You want to avoid overreactions, especially if your spouse gets wind of it.  After all, you're not a trained professional in that field.

I don't mean to split the kids, but I suspect they share information amongst themselves and the others may initially accept more from their siblings than directly from you?  Just a guess, you know your children better than we do.

[Mad Dog]

Thanks foreverdad, that puts it all in perspective.

[Notwendy]

I am the adult child of a BPD mother. She is elderly and my father is deceased. Your children are adults, and I think they should know about their mother but how to inform them, I think it's complicated.

The Karpman triangle dynamics helped explained the relationship dynamics in the family. BPD mother is in victim perspective. My parents stayed together- my father was in "rescuer" mode, and enabled her. Like your situation, people outside the family didn't have a clue. It was a family secret, my father would uphold my mother and come to her defense, even if it meant being angry at us kids if she was upset with us.

I had the closest relationship to my father, but it was a confusing one. On one hand, I believe he loved me but then I also wonder, why did he allow my mother to be verbally and emotionally abusive to us kids? In a sense, he was her co- abuser by enabling her behavior. I know he took on more of the brunt of the situation. We kids, we grew up, we could leave, but he lived with her.

If you think you are doing your kids a favor by being the target of your wife's rages- think again. Seeing how my mother behaved with my father was distressing. They managed to maintain a front when it was just the two of them, but when Dad got ill and I stayed with them to help out for a while, it was a shock. I even called social services to see if I could intervene but Dad was committed to being with my mother and protecting her no matter what.

Yes, it would have been helpful to know about BPD at the time. I knew something was going on with my mother, even as a teen, and did look in psychology books to see if something in them fit but I had gotten busy with my own family. A Google search for my mother's behavior led me to BPD. Chances are, your kids may already have an idea.

What wasn't obvious was my father's part in this. I assumed my mother was "the problem". Dad was the good guy to me and in many ways, he was. It was my own issues in relationships that got me to counseling where a counselor told me to work on co-dependency. Co-dependent behaviors were the "norm" in my family. I didn't know it was a problem. It was through working with these issues that I began to understand my father's part in this. The answer to the question "why didn't he stand up for us kids" was that he couldn't stand up for himself. I don't blame my father- in fact, I attribute the good in my upbringing to his efforts. He did the best he could with what he knew to do at the time.

There was triangulation already. As a teen, my BPD mother would confide in me about her relationship issues with my father. This was not appropriate to do but I didn't know any different at the time. Of course, he was the one at fault. I also was blamed for them. I actually believed that my parents would be happy once I left for college. It was a sibling that told me this wasn't true. Dad rarely said much about my mother but eventually, we kids would ask questions and he'd allude to something but not much information. While it could help to tell your children their mother has BPD, be aware of possible triangulation.

How will telling your children about their mother help them? What will they do with this information and how will you respond to that? It helped me to know my mother has BPD but it didn't change the dynamics in the family.  My impulse was to jump in an "rescue" my father, which only resulted in him aligning with my BPD mother "against" me. The dynamics between them were stronger than any other relationship.

Your children grew up, and now have their own families. Their relationship with their mother has challenges but you are the one who is living with your wife and being subjected to her rages. I'd say- first, take care of yourself in this situation. If you decide to discuss their mother with them, consider that it's only one part of the situation. By taking care of yourself, you will be able to relate to your children better.

[Mad Dog]

Thanks notwendy for your insight as a child. Very helpful.