Gaslighting by partner?

[Dookinfick70]

So my wife has never been diagnosed with anything, but I have had feelings over the years that she is mini-BPD or NPD. In order to be diagnosed, she would have to go to counseling, which is a non-starter.

There have been times over the years where she has laid false accusations on me, and sometimes this has come out of the blue. Others, it's during some kind of disagreement or when we're sort of distant, which is sometimes my fault since I'm not as physically affectionate as I should be most of the time. Most of the time things are stable which is why I've started thinking it's a mini-BPD if that's possible.

The accusations are common: that I wear mirror shades so I can ogle other women (I don't), I own binoculars so I can spy on other women (I don't), that I synchronize the time I leave the house when a female neighbor is outside (I don't), having an affair with the nanny (NEVER), accusing me of planning to leave the family when youngest turns 18 (never)...you name it. I always backpedal and try to tell her none of it's true and that I love her, and feel guilty afterwards for not having more of a backbone. Naturally, she is more comfortable with conflict than I am.

Some of this is gaslighting, which could be NPD instead of BPD, I don't know. Several years ago she left a lingerie magazine on my sink in the bathroom, and when I found it I asked why she had put it there...she said I must have done that since I obviously use those things to 'get off.' I got angry and there was a lot of shouting, and I wound up sleeping in another bedroom for a couple of months.

This past week she 'jokingly' claimed my email was found on the Ashley Madison hack since she'd been watching that doc on Netflix. That was never true, my email was found in the Adobe hack in 2013...but why bother with facts? I guess it wasn't 'jokingly' because that night we had to install Instagram to track our teenager's college class channel.

I left my phone in the bathroom for an hour or so before bedtime, and when I came to bed and unlocked the phone there was an Instagram pic of some girl in a bikini. Now, I never searched for any of that and it was clear to me she had used my phone to bring the picture up by searching for it. I asked her if she'd been messing with my phone and she said she found the pic on my phone so obviously I was looking for it!

I didn't get angry like last time, but I was upset and calmly said I didn't search for it and asked her to tell the truth, which she refused to do. I started feeling bad and said I'd download all my Insta activity and send to her, and of course she said she didn't care!

Now, it seems obvious to me what happened, especially after what happened in the first incident several years ago. I have to wonder if she just occasionally needs drama when things are too stable and 'boring' but I'm not going to apologize for something I didn't even do.

We have always had each other's phones open and available to each other, but if I change my login she will just claim that's more evidence that I'm trying to hide something.

It's maddening...

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