CC43
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 148
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« Reply #2 on: May 31, 2024, 01:18:38 PM » |
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Floating,
Already you seem remarkable because you're showing such empathy for your parents and emotional intelligence about upcoming changes! That seems pretty rare for people with BPD. Even just being sensitive to identifying potential stress triggers (a move, a change) shows that you are developing mature coping skills.
I have a stepdaughter who had SH behaviors and was diagnosed with BPD. She lived with me and her dad for a few years in her early 20s, when her illness worsened and she "checked out" of living an adult's life. She tried living on her own a few times--at college and in her own apartment--but really struggled and returned to the parental home.
However, living at home with us led to social isolation and continued SH behaviors. The social isolation and bruised confidence became so bad that she hit bottom, and she eventually came to the realization that she needed to get some help. She started taking therapy seriously, became more diligent about taking prescribed medications, and stopped self-medicating with illicit drugs. Importantly, she started looking forward, rather than looking backward and blaming everyone else for her own problems. A few months ago, she moved out, and she seems to be doing fairly well now!
You ask, can parents stop worrying? It may be impossible for parents to stop worrying about their children, because they are their most precious gift. But it has been possible to avoid being frantically worried about my stepdaughter, based on her behaviors.
How I know my BPD stepdaughter is NOT doing well, and we are gravely concerned about her? When she's avoidant, hostile, demanding, entitled and not engaged in normal adult activities. Here are some of the telltale signs:
-She avoids communicating with her dad by text or phone. I'm not talking about taking a few hours to respond to a text; I'm talking about completely cutting him off for days or weeks.
-She has huge fights with her siblings or extended family members, which seem to have no justifiable reason.
-She makes plans to visit, but then is a no-show without any explanation, or a lame excuse like oversleeping (oversleeping at dinnertime is not a healthy sign at all).
-She skips therapy sessions (her therapist will bill her dad for the missed session(s), which is how he finds out).
-She quits her job or drops out of school, and we find out later somehow.
-She visits our home because she needs a favor or money from us, but she's outwardly hostile, grumpy and irritable for apparently no reason. If we say, "It's nice to see you, how are you?" and she can't manage a simple, civil reply.
-She visits our home because she needs a favor or money from us, and she looks disheveled, like she hasn't showered, even though she is supposed to have gone to work or classes that day.
-If she happens to be talking to us, and we ask about her week or her plans for upcoming days, she replies with "nothing" or sounds avoidant. That usually means she's quit her job or something similar.
-While she still lived with us, we knew she wasn't doing well when she spent all day in her room sleeping and wouldn't join the family for meals.
-Bouts of rage (verbal and/or by text) coming from seemingly out of nowhere.
-Seeming very spacey/out of it and forgetful.
-Seeming lethargic, even after spending 12+ hours in bed.
-Demanding money and/or help without appearing grateful or expressing thanks.
-Sleeping all day.
-Consuming illicit drugs, which are deleterious for most people but also seem to be associated with psychosis and paranoia with BPD.
-Blaming others for her own problems--like blaming her older sister for quitting college, when her sister was 1,000 miles away and hadn't talked to her in months.
When our worrying went from a tremendous-constant-fear-for-her-life level to a "normal" level of care and concern:
-When she communicates regularly with her dad, by text and/or phone
-When asked, "How was your week?" she replies with real-life details, like, "I'm going out with friends from work tomorrow night." That tells me (i) she's actually still working, (ii) she's making plans, and (iii) she has a social life, which is exactly what young adults should be doing!
-She comes to her dad for help or advice, BEFORE a situation gets too stressful or she makes a rash decision. Adulting can be hard, but sometimes seeking the advice from another adult who has seen everything before can help you troubleshoot and regain perspective. Examples could include apartment hunting, roommate conflict resolution or job seeking.
-She visits every so often and looks like she's showered and taking care of herself.
-She doesn't stand us up, and if she changes plans, she lets us know beforehand.
-She seems appreciative when we help her with something.
-She smiles sometimes.
-She might complain that something is hard, but she seems confident that she'll be able to handle it.
-She doesn't skip therapy sessions.
-She can engage in a conversation for a few minutes.
-She asks how other people are doing, showing concern for others.
It may be that parents will never truly stop worrying about their children. And the parental transition from full-time caregiver to showing benevolent concern from a distance might be hard, especially when the eldest child leaves the nest for the first time. But I think that regular communication and reassurances can go a long way, until you can demonstrate that you've got adulting down pat. And sometimes there are tough transitions in life--a first apartment, a new job, moving to another city, a marriage, a new baby, a sickness, a divorce--which invariably come with stress. It would be good to keep in contact with loved ones at those times, because they are concerned about you and want to ensure you can handle the extra stress. And maybe they can even lend a hand! That's what healthy families do.
If your parents seem overly concerned about you moving out, maybe what you can do is reassure them. Point out how you've made progress to date in spite of stressors (successful completion of courses? regular therapy sessions? lots of friends? stable job? adherence to medical regimes?). Share your plans about your next steps: the apartment, a job, etc. And maybe have a plan about what to do if and when things start to get stressful for you. Maybe step one is to take a breather, spending time with a hobby or a pet. Step two is to call a trusted friend. Step three would be to check in with a therapist. Step four would be to call your mom or dad, and say you have some stress, and you just want to vent, but not really get their advice. Does that make sense?
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