BPD Father won’t stop asking for money

[Christian1400]

My BPD father has asked me for money starting in my early 20s. I’m now in my late 30s. It wasn’t until recently that I found out what BPD actually was, and how it was affecting our relationship. He lives across the country, and always tell me that myself, my family, and his wife are all he has. He has burnt all of his other bridges and doesn’t speak to the rest of his family. He blames them for that, but of course the BPD has most to do with it, though they all have their own issues. They are a side of the family I never speak with. My mother kicked my father out of their home and divorced him after their 1 year marriage and shortly after my 1st birthday for being psychologically abusive. She always warned me to never lend him money, but she has now passed away. My father is now in his 60s. He’s frail and poor. He lives with his retired wife, who is in much of the same position as him, but after 35 years of marriage she has given up as well and has her own set of issues.

My Dad refuses to take my hands-ups and advice and will only take my hand-outs “money.” I’ve nearly reached the point of insanity from the constant manipulation, changing stories, refusal to take advice or improve his situation and need for more and more money each month for one reason or another. Now, it has gotten to the point where the lies get blamed on memory loss, but I’m starting to worry that I’ve been dealing with lies all my life and now his memory loss is just taking away his ability to hide them. It started with money for things like a tv or stove, and then turned into money for pets, food, and mortgage as he got older. I’ll pay for a vet bill for a cat and then months later instead of 2 cats they’ll have 4 cats and a dog, all which they now need help with. That was after assuring me they would not get any more animals. He says “without my help them and their pets won’t survive.”

After the years of round and round games of borrowing money from me only to use pity and manipulation to ask for more, I have finally taken the time to research exactly what is going on, and I’m halfway through the book Stop Walking on Eggshells. I’ve taken comfort in the book and it has helped me to calm down and understand how he thinks and why nothing I ever say gets through to him and he never follows through with what I ask. What makes it tough on me is that he can be a great father who always tries to bring me closer to Christ and offers me advice when I’m in need, but I think he would bring myself, my wife, and child far beyond bankruptcy before he would back off from asking me for so much money.

The question I have is it seems like it would be easier to pull away from him in his younger years, but I feel like at this point if I stop “sending money” they really could lose their home and maybe even worse. He constantly tells me about how thin he is and all of his medical conditions, but every solution I find to help him, like food pantries and similar places usually fall on deaf ears. He always has an excuse for why my ideas won’t work. He now just survives on SS, church donations, and my help. I’m going to work on setting boundaries, but what else can I do at this point? I feel like they’ve given up completely, and if I slow the flow of money they really could just wither away. Any advice? Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[Notwendy]

How old is your father?

This is a tough one- because it's hard to see someone we care about have self destructive behavior. On the other hand, you have recognized that enabling him is not something you wish to do.

I have an elderly mother with BPD who appears to be more functional than she is. In reality, she is low functioning but she is very good at manipulating other people to help her. It makes sense - we all do things we are good at doing, in order to get our basic needs met. For functional people- that usually means some sort of employment. My BPD mother would not have been able to hold a job. For her -she married in an era were less women were in the workplace. My father supported her.

For my mother, like your father- advice doesn't work. She finds it invalidating. She may agree to something and not follow through. It doesn't work because she's not capable. I suspect your father is similar. He may appear functional, but he's not as functional as it seems.

It's a difficult situation because having a parent without basic needs- such as being homeless is not something we want to see happen and on the other hand neither is enabling a disordered parent.

I think this is worth a session with social services. Depending on the age of your father- he may be eligible for SSI disability if he's not on it already, Medicaid covered nursing home care if he were ever to need it. If someone is married and needs Medicaid assistance- there are ways to arrange this so the spouse can stay in their home. Seeing what - if- assistance is available to him may help you decide how or when to pull back.

[Notwendy]

I realized your father is in his 60's and is frail - so yes, look into what resources are available. He's going to continue to ask you for money so long as you are giving it to him, and yet, you also are concerned about him and don't want to see him without basic needs.

I have a friend whose father (who I think has NPD or BPD) is in a Medicare covered nursing facility. He had a hospitalization and on discharge- had no place to go. They needed a place for him to be discharged to. My friend can not afford to support her father. She does help with "extras" like providing snacks and clothing if needed but this is more feasable than full support. With Medicaid- there is a way to allow the spouse to stay in their home but it's best to have this explained to you how it works.

It may be that they can't keep their home and need to have other arrangents.

My father left my mother a comfortable sum of money. She doesn't manage money and has been reckless with it. She took out a home equity loan and didn't tell us and spent a large part of it. She needed assistance at the time and so we helped her move to assisted living and sold the house, and any remaining profit went into her bank account where she continued to spend that recklessly too. At that point, I consulted an elder law attorney to see if it was possible to intervene. She's still considered legally competent so I can not. She's spent all the equity in the house. Fortunately she gets some income that covers her room and board and care.
We have offered advice. Some of her family has too. It doesn't work. We have had to have boundaries with her too- and it's difficult- but if we don't have boundaries, she won't. Still, it's reassuring that her basic needs are met. My friend who has the father in the nursing home visits and bring snacks for him. He gives them away to his friends there and the next day tell her he needs more. She's had to have a financial boundary with him.

There are several of us posters here who have had to have boundaries with a parent. It is difficult to do as we don't want them to experience difficulty- even if they are the ones causing it for themselves. But lack of boundaries on our part is also problematic. I don't think we feel comfortable with either decision. I think it will help you to know what resourcs are there for your father.

[Notwendy]

I meant to say- Medicaid- not Medicare- covered nursing home. Medicare doesn't cover this expense for long term care. It will cover some short term situations. It's been a learning experience to look at the resources available in the US. Long term care for the elderly is not well covered- however, if someone has very few resources- as your father seems to- he may qualify for Medicaid. He may not need it at the moment but knowing how to get this for him if he were to ever need it may be helpful.

[Christian1400]

Thank you all for your responses and advice. My father is 67 years old. He has chronic back problems from degenerative disk disease so he has gotten Social Security Disability for years. He is also a veteran. He is far beyond holding a job at this point and has trouble even getting out of bed some days, though as soon as I send money his condition according to him always improves. His house is in such poor shape from neglect over the past few years that it should be condemned, so I can't even help them sell it and use the funds elsewhere. His wife keeps me updated and at this point there are definitely major health concerns from not eating properly. Unfortunately, he lives in Idaho so there aren't a lot of options for social services. My wife is a social worker and her job is to help people in my Dad's situation link up with the resources they need. Even she had trouble when looking through the database and finding anyone to help where he lives. We were able to reach one place that seemed like they would be able to at least deliver food baskets on holidays to him, but even that fell through. What I would love is to find a program or organization that does home visits to help them link up with services, similar to what my wife does, but she says my Dad would get kicked out of the program for his refusal to make any changes. It's still worth a shot in my eyes. I think someone being there would make a huge difference, as they're basically hermits. I will look into everything you all recommended to me up to this point. Does anybody know about any options specifically in Idaho? We've exhausted our ideas at the state level. Thank you again.

[Tangled mangled]

Thank you all for your responses and advice. My father is 67 years old. He has chronic back problems from degenerative disk disease so he has gotten Social Security Disability for years. He is also a veteran. He is far beyond holding a job at this point and has trouble even getting out of bed some days, though as soon as I send money his condition according to him always improves. His house is in such poor shape from neglect over the past few years that it should be condemned, so I can't even help them sell it and use the funds elsewhere. His wife keeps me updated and at this point there are definitely major health concerns from not eating properly. Unfortunately, he lives in Idaho so there aren't a lot of options for social services. My wife is a social worker and her job is to help people in my Dad's situation link up with the resources they need. Even she had trouble when looking through the database and finding anyone to help where he lives. We were able to reach one place that seemed like they would be able to at least deliver food baskets on holidays to him, but even that fell through. What I would love is to find a program or organization that does home visits to help them link up with services, similar to what my wife does, but she says my Dad would get kicked out of the program for his refusal to make any changes. It's still worth a shot in my eyes. I think someone being there would make a huge difference, as they're basically hermits. I will look into everything you all recommended to me up to this point. Does anybody know about any options specifically in Idaho? We've exhausted our ideas at the state level. Thank you again.

I’m not from the US so can’t be specific but what I would do in you situation is stop providing money for him. If you are concerned about food and basic necessities for him then instead of sending money could send a a voucher for groceries only or buy food online and have it delivered. You can do this through his wife. You don’t need to explain your decision you just go ahead and do it.
The sad news is that he will get worse if you don’t limit your financial with him. My parents live in a poorer country than where I live and we’re heading down a path where I was becoming a source of second income for them. They didn’t care that I live in a foreign country without any support or help and kept demanding from me. I would send them money out of my meagre income and they would use it up and the next day ask one of my siblings to request money from me. I cut sending them money because my parents were still employed although now retired it was never enough whatever I sent them. Mine too are Christians and for a while they seemed like spiritual support for me. But mine too sought ways to defraud me of funds - at one point they made up an inheritance that I had to pay for. A land bought for them but I had to pay for it. I cut off drastically over 4 years ago. I just stopped sending money.

Until you protect yourself their demands will not stop, it will get worse as they get older. Is it possible to work out what their essentials would cost and to find a way to only pay for that through vouchers or directly paying for groceries to be delivered to them.
The change must come from you. Remember that if you need spiritual support there are other avenues for seeking that and your dad will advise you to sooth his needs.

[Notwendy]

 I agree with Tangled Mangled in that you need to stop proving money for him but I also think in order to do that, you would feel more comfortable knowing what supports may be available if you stopped doing that.

Ultimately, this information is likely to be more helpful to you than to your father.  I think the refusal to help themselves or comply with possible assistance is a part of the disorder. PwBPD see themselves as victims and so if something were to actually be a solution- it doesn't go along with this perception. Many posters on this board, including myself, have attempted to set up assistance and found their pwBPD didn't comply somehow. This has included food assistance, home health.

The response from seeking intervention has been- as long as your pwBPD is legally competent, they have the right to refuse assistance. Or as social services once said to me when I asked what I could do: your parents are legally competent to make their own bad decisions.

It's difficult to stop enabling and watch a person we care about engage in self destructive behavior. It may be that only if there's a crisis of sorts, could something change. For my BPD mother, if she didn't move out of her house and sell it, the bank would repossess it. The idea of an elderly person being homeless is not something we wanted to see so we moved her instead. She has told people "her family forced her out of her house". So, she sees this in "victim" perspective.

The consolation though is that in the US, if an elderly person needs care and a place to live and has no resources, they may qualify for a Medicaid covered nursing home bed. If your father is getting social security disability, he is already in that system and has Mediare too. If you stopped sending money to him, the possible outcome would be a medical crisis from his condition and not eating- and he may end up in a place that may not be completely ideal to his liking but his basic needs would be met- food, shelter, a bed, medical attention. Medicaid does require a person use their assetts too but if they are married, the spouse doesn't genetally lose the house or all their income.

It may be that the house needs to be condemned at one point. If it's uninhabitable, a call to adult protective services will start an investigation. They may end up in Section 8 housing which might be better than this house.

It seems your wife is knowleagable about the system. It's done according to state but general plans such as Medicaid, supplemented housing- these are in all states so a phone call to Idaho adult social services may help with information.

Again, your father may not accept help- unless he has no other choice. If you pull back your finances, it may make it possible for these social services to assist. Your help may even be an obstacle to him attaining them.

Families can always supplement and many do. My friend brings the "extras" to her own father, even though he may not be gracious- she does it according to her own values. But she's learned that when she helps he just seems to want more- so she now has boundaries and he's  reacted to that. However, she also has the peace of mind that she can say no and he will still have a place to stay and food and care, regardles, just not his favorite snacks. I think it would help you as well to know what assistance is available to your father but it may take him going without to actually access it.

[CC43]

Christian,

I agree with the other posters that you should stop sending money.  From your post it sounds like you have been sending money for over a decade.  You might have thought, if I just send him enough to take care of the roof, or fix a leak, or pay for medicine, his problem will be resolved, and he'll get back on his feet.  It sounds like history has proven that the exact opposite is true, despite your greatest intentions and loving support.  In practice, the more money you give him, the more you reinforce his habit of asking for more, and the sicker and more helpless he becomes!  On top of that, he lacks gratitude and any  appreciation for your long-running sacrifices.  If he has BPD, he likely has a victim's mindset, and so he feels entitled to your unending financial support.  He's a veteran!  He's sick!  The world owes him, especially you!  At his age, this mindset is firmly ingrained, and it has served him very well to date (because he gets what he asks for time and time again).  His needs are bottomless, and I hope you understand that now.

If history doesn't convince you to stop sending him money (and giving him the freedom to spend it as he sees fit), maybe you could think of him as an addict.  Would you buy booze or drugs for a self-destructing alcoholic or drug addict?  Probably not.  In your dad's case, his addiction of choice might be unhealthy food, or saving pets (making him feel good), the feeling of having some cash around, or maybe even just holding your attention and concern.  Maybe he's "addicted" to feeling like he's the center of attention, controlling you.  Whatever his addiction, he seems to be getting worse, not better.  So I think it's up to you to put a stop to feeding the "addiction".

I concur with other posters, that if you still want to support him, then maybe provide your support in kind--through meal deliveries, home help, a ride to a doctor's appointment, etc.  If your father rejects that help too, then that's his choice, and you can withhold support altogether.  Just rest assured that if your father rejects that help, then he doesn't really need it or want it.  He just wants you to enable his addiction(s).

[Christian1400]

Thank you so much everyone for the great advice. I’ve considered much of what you’ve mentioned, but I’ve never had anyone in similar situations provide advice and reinforce what I know has to happen. I really appreciate all the info and help.

[GaGrl]

You might want to look into VA benefits that are state-supported. Our state has a VA home that provides Residential nursing care. My parents knew several people who were able to access VA nursing home care, and it was excellent.

[Notwendy]

Although circumstances may differ, this article to me illustrates the struggle over how much to help a parent and how much to protect ourselves and our families. In this instance- it was between helping her parent and protecting her child.

I think this is the struggle:  We feel obligated to assist a parent but also feel the need to have boundaries.

https://slate.com/technology/2022/03/mentally-ill-parent-elder-care-boundaries-liz-scheier.html

This line stood out to me: Only a monster would allow her mother to go to a homeless shelter, I thought miserably. I was now that monster.