DIL PBD & Estranged Son: Theraputic Recommnedations -Not sure I agree.

[Joyful Noise]

So, six years into PBD DIL's enforced estrangement of dear son from entire extended family -and me (mom) in particular (and all friends he has ever had).   

I am looking at a "sea-change" here: giving up all hope has been suggested.. I am not sure that's the best route for my own soul but am listening..  -Feedback invited.

Over the past year, for the first time, I began sending birthday cards and a few gifts to my son's whole family (there are a couple of as-yet unmet grandchildren) including to my BPD DIL (probably more to her than anyone else).   -She asked why I was doing this and I responded that it made me happy.   -Her next response was to tell me to stop sending things. She also said I will not be meeting my grandchildren (ever).

On my way home from work yesterday, I noticed for the first time that I can see the large hill that my son's house is situated near as I drive to my house. That's how close we are geographically.  -And, due to the mental illness of BPD, we might as well be world's apart.

I have just been told by a good therapist that my son has "made a bargain".  Even after six years of going over this situation in my heart and head, I find myself stumbling on the thought that he has cast me out of his life so completely.  I understand that he is doing so in order to buy peace at home with his BPD spouse.  -I "get" it, on a practical level (I have watched the impact of her illness for years now) but I am still in funeral-level shock over this.

She does not want the grandchildren to even know I exist; that they HAVE a grandmother here at all.. That is why she asked me to stop sending cards and gifts.

And her own mother, whom she described to me when she and my son were dating as be a "drug addict" is taking care of my grandchildren regularly..   -I am not sure which of those two women are more damaging for my young grandchildren.

And the  internal/heart-centered connection at-a-distance I have felt with my son, throughout all of these years is now gone.. I think the comment that he as "made a bargain" is spot-on.  This is a different place now.   So, yes, no hope.  I hate funerals.

Sometimes prayer is all we are left with.

[Turkish]

Joyful Noise,

I'm so sorry... sadly, this isn't uncommon. As a man, I could say that I'm ashamed of your son as a fellow man, but I think your T put it right, that he made a [dark] bargain. To keep the peace? Survive? Emotional cut off is so painful. I can relate... a little bit since my ex had issues with my mother, but she never demanded cut-off like you are experiencing.

[Joyful Noise]

DearTurkish,
Thanks so much for your supportive reply.  Your words mean a lot here today.

-A "dark bargain".. yes, sadly, that phrase fits the situation.   -Right now I feel as badly as I did when this cut-off first began six years ago.   -I cannot go through that again.. I didn't think I was going to make it that round.  And, I thought we were on our way out of it now. 

Just over a year ago, I had an AMAZING, spontaneous, brief get-together with my son; 15-20 minutes of reassuring connection and love. He was emotionally wide open and fighting back tears as he asked me repeatedly if I had been OK through the duration of the then-five yr. cut-off. He asked if he and I could see each other! I was amazed.  --Those meetings never materialized due to the intervention of his BPD spouse.

And then today I was told by the therapist I just recently hired to help me process all of this that I need to give up ALL hope of a better outcome and to NEVER send another birthday card or gift to my son or his family.  ...  That breaks me. 

I have not held the expectation that I would get a thank you or any acknowledgment for mailing cards or small gifts.  It was the action of my sending these things that brought me joy;  a small window open between us; my experience of it; hope.

Today was a reminder of how high that wall is; how powerful that "dark bargain" can be.
It can shatter lives.

The loss of an adult child to a very ill BPD spouse is a kind of ambiguous death. It has a never-ending and very confusing pain attached to it.  -I have lost both my parents early in my life and this is harder.

My son; indeed, if he were healthy, he would not be putting up with another person controlling his life in this way. Until he is able to set a real boundary, nothing is going to change.
-That's the best I can come up with to explain this whole NC thing.

[Notwendy]

I am going to assume that you have tried to contact your son through a way that only he would get the message- such as at his job. If he works from home, or with his wife, that would not be possible. My BPD mother shared an email address with my father and any emails sent to him, she read. She also listened in on phone calls to him. They had a land line phone and she would pick up on the extension.

I think you would need to feel you tried all you could before considering your therapist's suggestion but if you have done that, there are some valid reasons for the therapists suggestion that may help you when considering it.

At the moment, you are feeling hurt- indescribably hurt- and your feelings are connected to your BPD DIL's decisions. She has the power to decide whether or not your son contacts you or you see your grandchildren. In Karpman triangle dynamics, you are in victim position, she's persecutor. She has hurt you.

All this is true, but it's not effective - victims are powerless. Also, one can not relate to someone with BPD from victim position. From my own experience, pwBPD see themselves as being in victim position, and so others take on the other roles.

Whatever you are feeling- it has no impact on what is going on with your son and his family. It won't change what he decides to do. Your hurting and holding on to hope keeps you from moving forward. I don't think it's possible to not be affected by this kind of loss at all, but what I think the therapist is suggesting is to take your power and control back- and decide to move forward- to make an active choice rather than be reactive to your son and DIL. This is likely going to be a process to work with your T on. It probably feels unimaginable- but I think the T is trying to put you in the driver's seat of where you are going emotionally than to have it contingent on the decision of your DIL. To decide this direction is the first step in that direction.

I agree, your son has made a dark bargain but while it may be an attempt for for peace in his house, it's a momentary reprieve from his BPD wife's reactions, not peace. My father seemed to be in this cult like situation and our home was not peaceful. My BPD mother's feelings were the main focus and control and they were not peaceful or stable. I would say the predominant emotion of our family was fear and I think it also was a reason for my father trying to not upset my mother and try to keep the peace. Fear of upsetting her was due to her reactions. People outside our family had no clue what went on in our house. If you believe your son has sacrificed his connections with you for the sake of peace with his wife, I would challenge that. I'd say he's done it out of fear of her reaction.

How does he put up with this? That's the mystery question. I couldn't fathom it either. My father was the main wage earner, he was intelligent, logical and yet, would defer his own judgment and surrender control to the irrational moods of my BPD mother. I think what happens is like what happens in a cult. The constant demands and lack of sleep eventually put you into survival mode- you do what you need to do in the moment. The constant stress and adrenaline- there isn't a focus beyond that. Dad would just jump to fulfil my mother's requests in order to gain a moment of reprieve from her demands. Maybe it was a short period of peace- but not in the long run. However for whatever reason your son is in this situation, it's his decision to stay there. My father would promptly bond with my wife "against" any perceived threat to their relationship, even if it was a difficult one.

I understand that the marital bond is the priority in a marriage but I also believe the parent- child bond is special too. Adult children don't typically cut contact with a parent unless that parent has been abusive or exploitative, and parents don't typically cut contact with a child. But my BPD mother had significant control of my father's relationships. So yes, I believe that this can break up families but also it involves the decision of the partner. I don't think this happens all at once. I think it becomes habitual.

I am going to suggest agreeing with your T. Not because you don't love your son. You do love him but - because his wife might control him and their kids for the moment- but she doesn't get to control you. Your emotional suffering doesn't change what they do. Your son has connected his life to her but you don't have to. You deserve to have some happiness and be in control of your own decisions. If your feelings don't have an effect on changing your son and DIL's minds or decisions- then choose to let yourself have some happier ones.

[livednlearned]

Oof, I can only imagine this pain. Funeral-level grief is a powerful way to describe it.

My n/BPDx husband forced an estrangement on his parents and my son, who looks identical to his (now deceased) grandfather never met them. My son is an only child and that side of the family has so many kids and grandkids and cousins they wear name tags at family reunions.

What do you think of volunteering (discretely) at the kids school? Not to tell them who you are but to at least see them.

I would find it very challenging to give up too although I understand that the therapist may be focusing on helping you move on with your life.