Living with uncertainty

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm starting to realize that my BPD husband has a very hard time living with uncertainty. Is this a BPD trait? It doesn't feel like OCD, more that he needs constant reassurance about the future.

In the past I used to try and reassure him by saying things like, "I'm pretty sure your daughter will contact you this week", or "I've got a feeling those test results will come back fine." Sometimes I got lucky and the things I'd intuited came true. But if they didn't he would fly into a rage and accuse me of breaking yet another promise to him.

I've now started trying to gently say that we can't know what will happen. Hopefully, his daughter will reply to that email he sent soon. And hopefully his test results will come back fine. But neither of us can know, and it's best to just stay in the present and worry about the future when it arrives. I know how hard that is, but I'm here to support him while he waits.

This is causing massive tension in the relationship, because I've 'changed' and am 'constantly letting him down'. And I'm finding it hard, because all my instincts are to go back to reassuring him again, like I used to. But this feels like a boundary that I need to put in place now.

How can I help him live with uncertainty, without taking it all onto myself?

Does anyone else have a similar experience? Can anyone relate?

[LittleRedBarn]

I'm starting to realize that my BPD husband has a very hard time living with uncertainty. Is this a BPD trait? It doesn't feel like OCD, more that he needs constant reassurance about the future.

In the past I used to try and reassure him by saying things like, "I'm pretty sure your daughter will contact you this week", or "I've got a feeling those test results will come back fine." Sometimes I got lucky and the things I'd intuited came true. But if they didn't he would fly into a rage and accuse me of breaking yet another promise to him.

I've now started trying to gently say that we can't know what will happen. Hopefully, his daughter will reply to that email he sent soon. And hopefully his test results will come back fine. But neither of us can know, and it's best to just stay in the present and worry about the future when it arrives. I know how hard that is, but I'm here to support him while he waits.

This is causing massive tension in the relationship, because I've 'changed' and am 'constantly letting him down'. And I'm finding it hard, because all my instincts are to go back to reassuring him again, like I used to. But this feels like a boundary that I need to put in place now.

How can I help him live with uncertainty, without taking it all onto myself?

Does anyone else have a similar experience? Can anyone relate?

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[Jabiru]

Yes, I've noticed the same. I think pwBPD prefer routine and stability.

I've experienced the same and found that I can only do so much before it crosses the line and I start feeling like I'm a caretaker for my uBPD wife's emotions, so I do what I can to support her but not to enable her, see here. The pwBPD is an adult and ideally should be responsible for their thoughts and emotions and learn to self-sooth. Hope that helps. Let us know any thoughts, questions.

[usagi]

My exBPD partner has that very same tendency.  She needs to know in excruciating detail what our plans are/were when traveling places.