Need serious help to recover from my bpd ex

[Depression = 72% of members]

This is my first post, need to let this out somewhere because I feel lost, betrayed and my mental health has never been more low and I dont know where else to find help. My bpd ex and I dated for about 4 months but were very close before this and I knew she had bpd and I knew dating her would come with challenges but I was willing to go through it for her.

We dated for about 4 months and at the peak of our relationship she completely abonded me and said that she doesnt know if this is what she wants and doesnt know if she wants a relationship any longer. This crushed me hearing this as I have never been happier in my life and never been this in love with someone before. She came from a very toxic and abusive relationship before me and I was told by  her friends that I am the first guy to ever treat her right and to actually love her and that she may not be used to it.

After she broke up with me she messeged me out of nowhere attacking me for stalking her and started saying she wants nothing to do with me (I didnt stalk her or anything of that nature). She messeged me about 2 weeks later apologizing and saying shes sorry. We started talking again (ps. we are both still in school and are in the same friendgroup) a lot of our friends were shocked by this and were also previously shocked how things ended so suddenly, we then started seeing each other again a few days after we started talking she stayed the night at my house and we had a talk, she said she loves me but she is just unsure of what she wants but shes not ready for a relationship at the moment.

Things were good in the start after she came back but eventually she became distant, things were on and off all the time for about 2 months and I felt like an idiot waiting for her yet I still did. One minute I was her everything, next minute I couldnt even get a conversation out of her. The last time we hung out I was in her arms and she was telling me how much i mean to her, how much she loves me and that just because she doesnt want a relationship doesnt mean that she doesnt want me etc.

About a week later I invite her to my house for a family function and she says that she is too tired, long story short she went to a party and lied about it to me. First saying that she was just hanging out with her girls and got so defensive and lied about there being guys there but then come to find out it was a party (She was drunk calling me) I then called her out for lying and she then started attacking me for literally no reason and was saying she wants to be in her "partying era". I then had suspision about there being another guy in the picture and come to find out there was. I was angry, i called her out for it saying shes throwing away what we have for this random guy and she kept on denying it saying I cant control who shes friends with and that were not together so it doesnt matter.

I had enough and decided to block her on social media. We then went on no contact for about 2 months with the only time she contacted me was on my birthday saying happy birthday and that she still cares about me etc. after about the 2 month mark on no contact after trying my best to move on, i get a random call from her late at night. I answer and try hide my feelings by being cold with her cuz I am yet still not over her. She is drunk and came from a party and she starts saying that she misses me and that she still loves me and she doesnt understand why things are so toxic between us, we end up having a big fight espicially about the new guy who i mentioned earlier and she tells me that she never liked him and that she was kinda just using him for alchohol. and that they only kissed, nothing more.

Things calmed down and we had a normal conversation and she started crying saying that for the last month shes just been on drugs, getting wasted etc, she starts saying that i deserve better and i actually told her "well if you really wanted me, you would be better" she starts crying and I try comfort her, she begs me to stay on the phone with her, and goes on about how much she misses me etc. 2 nights later she is at her friends house and drunk calls me again, but claims she is sober, we were talking and then things went quiet and she started saying the new guys name (lets call him brad). "B?" "B?" "B?" I said "excuse me?" and then she got defensive and I said why did you just call me that and she kept on denying it, her friend tried to cover up for her with some PLEASE READty lie.

I left the call and the she started spam calling me. I eventually answered and she started crying and apologzing and started saying she never even liked him and he was with some other girl at this one party and was trying to reassure me (come to find out it was all lies). I calmed down eventually and she started crying about this and about her mental health being so low, i comforted her. The next day we barely talk, I find out from a friend that her and this new guy had sex and after they did he got distant.

I was so broken by this and so angry, I started sending her messages and voice notes letting everything out and called her out for it and for constantly lying and let her know how I really felt, basically just said that I am done with her. She just said that i must leave her alone, started telling me to move on, I then asked her why she would go on about saying that she loves me and misses me and she kept on denying it saying she never said that at all and that she doesnt love me and definitely doesnt miss me, she started telling me that Im lying and told me I am making up stories, I left her on read, think i am blocked now. Found out from a friend that she is staying at his house currently as her parents are out on vacation.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  
Honestly I feel so hurt and betrayed, but im not suprised and I feel so numb to pain because Im so used to her hurting me,I dont know what to do or where to go from here I am still so inlove with her but her actions and the way she lies makes me question if anything was even real, she is like a drug to me that i cant get enough of even though I know she is bad for me, Im tired of percieving her as this amazing person when in reality she isnt.

I was the first guy to treat her right, really tried to show her the world and tried to do anything in my power to make her happy, I feel empty without her but i know i cant take her back espicially after this. after her i honestly dont want to ever love again. I also dont understand why she would drunk call me and tell me all of that, take me back to square one and then tell me the complete opposite when she is sober. I also dont understand why she would always tell me I deserve better but then disrespect me and treat me like PLEASE READ.

I also dont understand why she would tell me she still cares for me but then completely lie to me and have sex with some guy she barely even knows that well. I just feel like an idiot for actually thinking she would change her ways, for believing her lies, for actually trying to build back my trust for her just for her to shatter it once again. I also dont know what to do if she tries to come back again.

[user7196]

This is my first post, need to let this out somewhere because I feel lost, betrayed and my mental health has never been more low and I dont know where else to find help. My bpd ex and I dated for about 4 months but were very close before this and I knew she had bpd and I knew dating her would come with challenges but I was willing to go through it for her.

We dated for about 4 months and at the peak of our relationship she completely abonded me and said that she doesnt know if this is what she wants and doesnt know if she wants a relationship any longer. This crushed me hearing this as I have never been happier in my life and never been this in love with someone before. She came from a very toxic and abusive relationship before me and I was told by  her friends that I am the first guy to ever treat her right and to actually love her and that she may not be used to it.

After she broke up with me she messeged me out of nowhere attacking me for stalking her and started saying she wants nothing to do with me (I didnt stalk her or anything of that nature). She messeged me about 2 weeks later apologizing and saying shes sorry. We started talking again (ps. we are both still in school and are in the same friendgroup) a lot of our friends were shocked by this and were also previously shocked how things ended so suddenly, we then started seeing each other again a few days after we started talking she stayed the night at my house and we had a talk, she said she loves me but she is just unsure of what she wants but shes not ready for a relationship at the moment.

Things were good in the start after she came back but eventually she became distant, things were on and off all the time for about 2 months and I felt like an idiot waiting for her yet I still did. One minute I was her everything, next minute I couldnt even get a conversation out of her. The last time we hung out I was in her arms and she was telling me how much i mean to her, how much she loves me and that just because she doesnt want a relationship doesnt mean that she doesnt want me etc.

About a week later I invite her to my house for a family function and she says that she is too tired, long story short she went to a party and lied about it to me. First saying that she was just hanging out with her girls and got so defensive and lied about there being guys there but then come to find out it was a party (She was drunk calling me) I then called her out for lying and she then started attacking me for literally no reason and was saying she wants to be in her "partying era". I then had suspision about there being another guy in the picture and come to find out there was. I was angry, i called her out for it saying shes throwing away what we have for this random guy and she kept on denying it saying I cant control who shes friends with and that were not together so it doesnt matter.

I had enough and decided to block her on social media. We then went on no contact for about 2 months with the only time she contacted me was on my birthday saying happy birthday and that she still cares about me etc. after about the 2 month mark on no contact after trying my best to move on, i get a random call from her late at night. I answer and try hide my feelings by being cold with her cuz I am yet still not over her. She is drunk and came from a party and she starts saying that she misses me and that she still loves me and she doesnt understand why things are so toxic between us, we end up having a big fight espicially about the new guy who i mentioned earlier and she tells me that she never liked him and that she was kinda just using him for alchohol. and that they only kissed, nothing more.

Things calmed down and we had a normal conversation and she started crying saying that for the last month shes just been on drugs, getting wasted etc, she starts saying that i deserve better and i actually told her "well if you really wanted me, you would be better" she starts crying and I try comfort her, she begs me to stay on the phone with her, and goes on about how much she misses me etc. 2 nights later she is at her friends house and drunk calls me again, but claims she is sober, we were talking and then things went quiet and she started saying the new guys name (lets call him brad). "B?" "B?" "B?" I said "excuse me?" and then she got defensive and I said why did you just call me that and she kept on denying it, her friend tried to cover up for her with some PLEASE READty lie.

I left the call and the she started spam calling me. I eventually answered and she started crying and apologzing and started saying she never even liked him and he was with some other girl at this one party and was trying to reassure me (come to find out it was all lies). I calmed down eventually and she started crying about this and about her mental health being so low, i comforted her. The next day we barely talk, I find out from a friend that her and this new guy had sex and after they did he got distant.

I was so broken by this and so angry, I started sending her messages and voice notes letting everything out and called her out for it and for constantly lying and let her know how I really felt, basically just said that I am done with her. She just said that i must leave her alone, started telling me to move on, I then asked her why she would go on about saying that she loves me and misses me and she kept on denying it saying she never said that at all and that she doesnt love me and definitely doesnt miss me, she started telling me that Im lying and told me I am making up stories, I left her on read, think i am blocked now. Found out from a friend that she is staying at his house currently as her parents are out on vacation.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  
Honestly I feel so hurt and betrayed, but im not suprised and I feel so numb to pain because Im so used to her hurting me,I dont know what to do or where to go from here I am still so inlove with her but her actions and the way she lies makes me question if anything was even real, she is like a drug to me that i cant get enough of even though I know she is bad for me, Im tired of percieving her as this amazing person when in reality she isnt.

I was the first guy to treat her right, really tried to show her the world and tried to do anything in my power to make her happy, I feel empty without her but i know i cant take her back espicially after this. after her i honestly dont want to ever love again. I also dont understand why she would drunk call me and tell me all of that, take me back to square one and then tell me the complete opposite when she is sober. I also dont understand why she would always tell me I deserve better but then disrespect me and treat me like PLEASE READ.

I also dont understand why she would tell me she still cares for me but then completely lie to me and have sex with some guy she barely even knows that well. I just feel like an idiot for actually thinking she would change her ways, for believing her lies, for actually trying to build back my trust for her just for her to shatter it once again. I also dont know what to do if she tries to come back again.

[SinisterComplex]

Welcome to the fam my friend.  You have been through a lot. The good news...you picked a great place to gain support. We will have your back here. Please share as much as you want to and ask as many questions as you need to.

Take your time. This will be a marathon not a race. We all get it here and we all do understand. Please continue to engage with the membership at large.

In the meantime please be kind to you and please take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[HoratioX]

You sound young, so I'd strongly encourage you speak to someone with professional credentials, like a therapist. The choices you make now may help you to best deal with this or any similar situation in the future, which is long ahead of you.

That said, four months seems a rather brief period of dating. I'm not downplaying your emotions or your experience, so please don't see it that way. What I am saying is within the grand scheme of things, it's not much time. And in this respect, even as you wrestle with the emotions you feel now, consider yourself fortunate it was not a longer time period.

You were put through the ringer. I think a lot of us can share similar stories. Sure, the details may be different, but the patterns are familiar.

My ex with BPD (or CPTS-D, anxiety, etc.) certainly did some of the same things. She not only bounced between me and at least one other guy, but she would sneak around in other ways. She, too, went to parties and lied about it. When caught, she explained her friends didn't like me, which made no sense since we all got along. She was, by her own admission, always lying, sometimes contradicting herself, and it was pretty clear she filled up her day with adventures and didn't care how it might affect anyone else. She believed that what people didn't know didn't hurt them.

So, here's the thing: What you experienced doesn't sound like love in the true sense, not even for you. For her, it was using people to try to fill up the vast emptiness inside. For you, it was an addiction. What you're going through now is similar to what someone goes through in withdrawal. Break ups often are, but in this case, the intensity of the emotions was much stronger. That can make it all the more difficult. So can sex if that was part of the equation.

You may want to keep in mind, though, that someone like her will always, always, always sabotage anything good in their life. Unless she finds someone willing to be a doormat or a surrogate parent -- who is willing to take on her suffering because of how she treats them in order to temporarily alleviate some of her own -- she's never going to come close to real happiness. And even if she finds that person, she will destroy things in time.

You, on the other hand, have escaped, or will once the emotional upheaval inside of you subsides. And it will, in time. To get there, you have to come to accept you won. That is, by purging her from your life, you have taken back some of the power she took from you. And when you can finally just say no to her without emotional bagged, you've taken it all back.

My advice would be to stay away from her. Each time she comes back, it's to try to take another piece of you.  Her motivations are entirely selfish and entirely toxic. She is unlikely to change, and even with intense therapy and medication, she will always be like an alcoholic who simply isn't drinking right now. So, your best strategy is to focus on making yourself happy and not her.

Again, though, these are all just opinions. I'm not a professional. A therapist is always a good idea to consult, especially if there are other variables to consider that you haven't mentioned or if you feel someone's health or safety is at risk. A professional can assess things and draw upon a lot of experience.

One last point. I was involved with mine over a period of years, on and off, rather than four months. She, too, came back multiple times after I called things off. She took threw sex at me and begged for forgiveness and asked for another chance. I gave her chances. I tried to work with her. But I couldn't even get a straight answer out of her about her illness(es), and in time, she'd lied so much, I didn't know what to believe, even if it appeared to be true and official. I waited for her to get better, and she never did. If you're saying to yourself now that if you work with her, and if she works hard enough on herself, it can be good between you because love will find a way, that's probably not true. No one can say for certain, but my experience -- and the experience of a lot of people in similar situations -- suggests people that profoundly emotionally and mentally ill don't change. At best, they go into remission. That's kind of like being in the eye of the storm, and you have to ask yourself do you want to be there when the winds change and the storm blows inevitably in again.

[Cluster Beeline]

I’m sure your story resonates strongly with most of us, it certainly does with me. Allow me to give you a bit of the theoretical background so that you can understand that none of this is down to you.

BPD is caused by a child being emotionally neglected by her parents / caregivers. In adulthood, a BPD’s relationships are an eternally recurring replay of their childhood trauma--but often featuring a role reversal. As children they were the innocent victims of emotionally unavailable parents. However, as adults a BPD will alternate roles. Sometimes she assumes the familiar victim role with abusive partners. But often simultaneously, in a form of triangulation, she trades places by playing the role of her unavailable, emotionally punishing parents. In this situation she wreaks emotional havoc on innocent partners, which helps blunt the renewed trauma she experiences at the hands of her abusive partner.

All of this is unconscious. BPD’s are not aware of these dynamics, and certainly she is not intentionally plotting your doom. Nevertheless, when a BPD captures a nice guy, she will idealize him with praise, and shower him with hot sex, until the moment she instinctually understands that he is hooked. Usually this addiction is not permanent. This all depends on the good boy’s self-confidence, ability to set boundaries and general emotional stability. During this grooming period, if possible, she may discreetly seek out an “innocent” to frustrate, or contact one of her exes to tease. Triangulation is the only way she can balance the dual forces destabilizing her life: her simultaneous fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment.

She submits to abuse or invests in the grooming of a good guy to assuage her fear of abandonment. Once the good guy is emotionally addicted, she replays her childhood rejection in reverse by dumping him unceremoniously. This breakup resolves her fear of engulfment, which built up during the grooming phase. As the dupe expresses his pain, she sees a younger innocent her mirrored in his despair.

But as the pendulum swings back to the fear of abandonment, she balances this by engaging in inappropriate short-term flings with bad boys, compulsively replaying the paradoxical comfort of her childhood trauma. Which in turn she again rebalances by contacting and wounding the grieving good boy, whose immediate joy in the reconnection with his BPD is soon replaced by pain. After a brief bout of flirting to ensure the addiction is still strong, she feels secure to rub salt into his emotional wounds.

Long story short: you do not want to be entangled in this complex no-win situation. If you insist on participating, then you must train her to see you as the bad boy she runs to for occasional sex. Under no circumstances can you allow yourself to be cast as the good guy she uses as an emotional punching bag. But most men are not naturally bad and trying to fake this bad boy role is not easy.

Despite these complications, your rational mind will soon understand why you must bail on this relationship. In your case, a relationship of four months is not that long and you are young and flexible. The problem is that humans have a split subjectivity--we are not purely rational animals--we are also beset with an emotional drive. Emotional thinking is your enemy in this situation. Today you may understand why you must never have contact with her again, but your emotional brain is an internal fifth column that will undermine any stability you achieve and attempt to drive you back into her emotional garden of thorns.

With my first BPD, my rational mind went “nuclear” on my BPD in a way that ensured she would never contact me again. Early in the relationship she exposed an emotional vulnerability. A year of turmoil and constant break ups later, after she proposed a wonderful get-back-together weekend trip together, only to cancel it a week later, my rational brain decided enough was enough. I calmly flipped her emotional trigger and I have never heard from her since then.

I would advise starting with a hard no-contact and see how that goes before trying any such advanced measures. Do not explain anything to her, words mean nothing, only actions matter. Your being embedded in her friend network is a serious liability—I don’t have any answers on how to fix that.

[user7196]

Thank you so much for the replies. Im glad there is a community of people who have been through similiar struggles and I appreciate the advice and explanations. I have realized that no matter what I cannot change her nor her ways of thinking or her actions. I have also realized that she will never truly find happiness because as she mentioned while she was crying when she drunk called me, she has been drinking non stop and been on drugs for the last month or so and coming from a genuine and caring point of view I told her that she cant do that to fill the void, she agreed with me yet she is still doing it. A big part of me is worried for her but It is honestly out of my control. In the begining of us when we developed feelings, there were red flags that I ignored beacuase I thought she could change. Looking back I wouldnt be suprised if she was balancing me and her toxic ex and potentially other guys too. I just dont understand why she would randomly drunk call me, tell me she loves and misses me, even offered sex to me, call me again 2 days later and go on about the same things mentioned and then the next day she apparently doesnt recall any of it, accuses me of lying and completely denies everything and then posts a picture of her and the new guy shes with on social media. Did she really mean anything she said when she was drunk or was it just a lie to make her feel that Im still around? Or does she really feel that way and is just trying to hide her emotions and make me jelous with this new guy?

[kells76]

Hi user7196 and

Finding a group that understands our pain is such a gift. We're glad you landed here -- we get it.

One aspect of BPD that can be challenging to wrap our heads around is the reality that:

BPD is a real, serious, and impairing mental illness, not just occasional "moodiness" or "emotionality". Current thought is that there's both a genetic (inherited) and an environmental (situational/experiences) contribution to the disorder. It's as real as having schizophrenia.

If we're here because we believe the person in our life has BPD, then we have to understand that trying to interpret their behaviors through our lenses is a dead end. We wouldn't expect a person with schizophrenia to "pull it together" and "just stop listening to the voices" without significant help; telling ourselves "but I would never cheat on my partner and lie about it, so it is totally irrational that she did that to me" is similar. I'd encourage you to check out our FAQ on "Is a personality disorder a mental illness or a character flaw? for some in-depth discussion (including commentary from a recovered pwBPD who was on staff here) of facts about BPD.

None of that takes away the pain -- it isn't like learning that BPD is a real disorder means you can say "well, okay then, I guess I don't feel hurt any more". Regardless of why she did what she did, you've been wounded and everything is fresh and recent and raw. It makes a lot of sense that you're trying to figure out the trauma that just happened.

I get that it may be too soon to say, but I'm curious if you're choosing to be done with the relationship at this point? No right or wrong answer -- but knowing that you're in control of your own choices is a huge part of healing when BPD is involved. We don't have to remain reactive to their actions; we can have our hands on the wheel of our own lives.

If you are feeling done, checking out our lessons on healing could be a helpful next step, what do you think?

[user7196]

Thank you for the reply and the attached links I will definitely read it. Im not sure if I want the relationship anymore with her because I was so good  to her and treated her so well regardless of the disrespect and all her toxic behaviours I endured. I still love and care about her but Im not sure If she will come back, the new guy shes with is apparently a player and not such a good guy and honestly hes not good looking, dont know what she sees in him and im not just saying that because im angry about it but I genuinely do mean it. If she does come back i doubt i would take her back considering everything shes done espicially after the breakup and even if she does come back im afraid the same cycle will repeat which is likely to happen. It was just a shock to see her post this new guy on her social media even though she drunk called me and confessed that she still loves and misses me literally like a week before this, makes me question if she even meant it  and makes me wonder if maybe thats how she truly feels and is trying to distract herself with this new guy. I dont know though, she really does drive me insane, dont know why I still love her after everything she did but yet I still do unfortunately.

[HoratioX]

Hi user7196 and

Finding a group that understands our pain is such a gift. We're glad you landed here -- we get it.

One aspect of BPD that can be challenging to wrap our heads around is the reality that:

BPD is a real, serious, and impairing mental illness, not just occasional "moodiness" or "emotionality". Current thought is that there's both a genetic (inherited) and an environmental (situational/experiences) contribution to the disorder. It's as real as having schizophrenia.

If we're here because we believe the person in our life has BPD, then we have to understand that trying to interpret their behaviors through our lenses is a dead end.

I think this is an incredibly important point. What tends to leave a lot of people with their heads spinning -- I know it did me at first -- is trying to interpret and understand the other person and their behavior using the only frame of reference they know. And that does not apply, at least not wholly, when a person with a profound mental or emotional illness is involved.