Hi Rainbow13, just checking in on how things are going for you. It's good to hear you're in therapy -- that kind of support is critical for a BPD relationship to have a chance.
I may have missed it elsewhere; how old is your son? And does he live at home?
I want to be able to voice how I am feeling and that I need support or if I have any disappointment with him in our relationship[/b] and this is what happens when I do that. I keep most things to myself about how I feel, I have learned to do that. I know my complaining about my job was a lot and I admit that. But come on, I can’t complain or say any disappointment?
As you're already well aware, BPD relationships don't really function like "generally normal" (it's a broad range) relationships. Typical relationship advice is to "talk it out", "explain how you feel", "reach compromise after an argument", "forgive and let go of the past", etc.
A pwBPD may be impaired relationally and emotionally in ways where long relationship talks, explanations, sharing disappointments, etc, instead of leading to resolution, closure, and healing, instead are like throwing gas on a fire -- unintuitively, those approaches make things worse.
While there are many
relationship tools and skills when a partner has BPD, there are a few very structured approaches for communicating something that you think your partner may not like to hear, but you feel you must share.
The
D.E.A.R.M.A.N. Technique can help when you want to make a request in a way that has the best chance of getting across to your parnter.
The
S.E.T. (Support, Empathy and Truth) communication pattern can help when there's an unpleasant truth that you must communicate,
and you are willing to let go of clinging to a particular outcome.
It's important to remember that neither of those tools are for controlling a partner's response.
They are tools that give us a better -- but not guaranteed -- chance of being heard, but we must first release our grip on needing our partner to respond a certain way. After all, that's controlling.
If we can let go of "having to have" a certain outcome, and can instead choose to prioritize making our statement no matter what, then that could be thought of as success: "even if he doesn't like what I have to say, I'm still choosing to communicate and be open, and I'm doing it in the least hurtful, most effective way I can right now. I will be OK -- I am an OK person -- no matter how he responds."
Would DBT help me?? I am willing to do anything
DBT can help anyone! Any person, regardless of whether or not BPD is involved, can benefit from DBT, as it is a skills and behavior based approach to better coping with and management of difficult feelings. Even I don't cope with difficult feelings well, so I could certainly benefit.
An additional plus for you engaging with DBT is that it can help you understand your H's experience more, too, and give you unique tools and skills to communicate more effectively with him.
I wonder if you could run that idea by your current therapist?
