New member

[Our abuse recovery guide]

This is my first post. 40 years of conflict with BPD sister. We are both now in our 80s. Today got an email entitled "goodbye" (not the first), full of old delusions, accusations, threats, etc. The usual BPD routine. But even after nearly a year of not communicating (after a disastrous family visit) this letter got my heart pounding and my anxiety through the roof. I belonged to a similar online support group years ago, but have not participated for a long time. It was wonderfully helpful, and now I need it again.

[Gorgagirl]

This is my first post. 40 years of conflict with BPD sister. We are both now in our 80s. Today got an email entitled "goodbye" (not the first), full of old delusions, accusations, threats, etc. The usual BPD routine. But even after nearly a year of not communicating (after a disastrous family visit) this letter got my heart pounding and my anxiety through the roof. I belonged to a similar online support group years ago, but have not participated for a long time. It was wonderfully helpful, and now I need it again.

[Methuen]

I'm so sorry for what has brought you here, but we welcome you to this community where we can support each other from a place of lived experience.

I am "wondering" about something.  It's not a statement or even a suggestion, but my thought is really only coming from a place of curiosity:

The subject line of the email ("goodbye") kind of telegraphed what the email might be about.  I wonder, what if you had sent the email to the trash can instead of reading it?  Would you still have the same pounding heart and anxiety?  If it was in the trash and you emptied your trash, would "out of sight out of mind" be helpful for you?  Or maybe not?  Now that you've looked at it and noticed your physical/emotional reaction, what would be best in the future?

Do you think you will respond to it now that you've read it, or will you ignore it?

In a way, the contents of that email only take on life if you respond.  Do you think the email is like the hook to bait you, and see if she can reel you into the drama?  What if you ignored it? 

[Gorgagirl]

These are insightful question and helped me to calm down and analyze what is going on. You're right, this "goodbye" letter was really another  attempt to rope me into her drama again. Even reading it was probably a mistake. But my anxiety subsided after reading your reply and then having a long talk with a wise friend whose daughter is like my sister. This time I'm not falling for it. For the first time I realize that she will never be able to see me as a loving sister. She feels no one can love her, and she blames everyone else for her misery. I am the main target now that our parents have died. . I feel after going around this merrygoround for 40 years that I am at peace with accepting that she is never going to get better, never going to stop attacking me, never going to be able to have a sisterly relationship. I will always be the target of her rage, since our parents are gone. So I will not respond.  Thank you for your wise counsel. As you said,
"In a way, the contents of that email only take on life if you respond."