I think my husband has BPD ... and now he wants to leave?

[BunnyFace29]

So I've been with my husband for almost 11 years. We met at 17 and 19, dated 5 years, married since then. I knew he had an adverse childhood history - neglect, tumultuous household, rocky divorce, mom with chronic health issues, family who screamed, dad cheated and left, stepmom was emotionally abusive, etc. Lots of PTSD from friends passing and trauma. I didn't grow up like that at all - very white-picket-fence, parents are still married to this day and rarely argue (which he says is toxic for other reasons, but neither here nor there- my mom is a force to be reckoned with), college professors, the whole 9 yards. When we started dating I was a very anxious and depressed kid from my own history with some bullying, and knew he had some trauma so read into trauma-informed communication to try and be open-minded and not fight, as I'm really conflict adverse. Like, as a little kid I made my parents skip over the "scary" parts of Disney movies - didn't know that Ursula gets stabbed and electrocuted until I was 26.

We fell hard and fast, we never fought, and were best friends for nearly a full year. Our first fights were a bit messy but we always made up quickly, and while he was a lot more loud then I was used to, I also told him that I got that this was how he was raised, but that I needed him to find a way to meet me where I was. He said that my crying felt manipulative and that I was better off just leaving him like everyone else. That should've been a red flag. After 3.5 years, I was almost done with college and he had finished an EMT cert but was stuck with no money for college and no support, staring down the barrel of the military. I told him not to go, to follow me to grad school and let me pay for his college. He started to spiral and self sabotage. Got mean. Talked to other girls. Argued over everything. Dumped me, then laughed at me the next morning saying it was just a joke. So I said I needed space. He immediately deleted all photos of me, went on a bender and slept with who knows who, and signed up for the Marine Corps before calling me and sobbing that we needed to talk. Cycle of 6 months of back and forth, but We recovered, somehow, and he left for basic, during which I received letters outlining exactly how badly he realized he messed up. How he knew he was throwing me away but didn't know why and couldn't stop himself, but never wanted to again. That the future we talked about as kids, he still always wanted and didn't know why it had scared him, because it's still all he dreamed about. I met up with him, we cried, he finished the last of his trainings, and we moved in together and got married after about another year - 1.5 years after the chaos. All was quiet, it was 2018 and we loved each other. He deployed. My job tanked. My hair was falling out in clumps from stress.  I found a therapist who recommended quitting and going back to grad school, like I had wanted. There would be 3 months for me to recover. I asked him if he would resent me. He said no. I guess he already was, because in this time he stepped out and started drinking...He got mean, cold, pushing me away. He started threatening suicide, driving super fast all the time, up all night sobbing in the bathroom. I didn't know what was happening and I begged him to get help but he told me if he did he would lose his job and be put in the brig involuntarily (gotta love military justice). I don't even remember what brought him out, but I started school and he deployed again for only a month and came back calmer and just broke down and apologized. Said he didn't know what happened and that he was so scared. We talked for months, snuck in to see a couple's counselor under the guise of "family planning and management" so military higher-ups wouldn't be suspicious. It was calm. He deployed again on our anniversary and we were really happy, talking about the future. He came home for thanksgiving and over Christmas I felt weirdly sick. By New Year 2020 I couldn't shake my hangover. I found out I was pregnant by the time we got home from visiting family. He was over the moon, and I was excited but nervous. He took that to mean I wasn't happy about our daughter. The cycle started again. Gone all night, angry most of the day. Some hints of sunshine between the storm clouds. This time, an affair. I caught him, had to pry the rifle out of his hands. Apologies. Told me he loved her more. Told me I deserve better and to leave. Told me he deserved better, I didn't take care of myself. That he wished he was dead every day. That I'd never understand. That I'm too clingy, that he needs space, that I don't listen, that I don't ask for help, I do too much alone, I talk too much. So many contradictions.

We go to therapy, both of us. I go to leave but don't want him to die because I realize something is wrong. Maybe it's always been wrong but it's been getting worse, every year of his 20's it's a little harder for him. Maybe I never handled it right to begin with, but how could I have? Who is prepared to take that on at any age, let alone at 22, 23, 24?

He does better, apologies. His eyes are hollow and sad. He doesn't know why this is happening. He doesn't know why he did any of it. He loves me and always has, so why? He doesn't have an answer. We leave the Marines.

Since then, I've been researching like a wizard in a tower. His therapists said bipolar but that doesn't make sense either. His moods are never stable for long enough to be bipolar disorder, they change based on circumstance and fit the DSM characteristics. When talking to my therapist, she agrees that it does sound similar. He is constantly saying how I would never understand what's happening in his head, that he is constantly suffering, that he always wishes he was dead. He reacts with anger at a second's notice and then immediately cools to regret. If things are too good, he self-sabotages. He is now telling me that I have never listened to him, that I don't respect him as a father and husband because I am too stubborn (i.e. I carry too many grocery bags without asking for help and then hurt myself, I walk both dogs while he is sleeping because he asked to be left alone and they pull me down), and most importantly that I am suffocating him because he needs space, and that means leaving him alone, for days if I have to, until he comes to me, without asking for a hug or reassurance or when the space is done or any other questions about the house or his homework unless he comes to me first, because he feels like he is suffocating and that he has spent so many years caving to my feeling first. When he used to try to storm out, I would follow or cry because I was confused, and he would try and stay and it would make the fight worse, but I didn't realize what I was doing. I know now not to follow, but days is a really big ask to have no affection, no hug, no talking. He is saying if I don't do this, he may need to move out and separate.

I don't want that. Not only can we really not afford that, but I don't want to have a divorce. I just want the husband from the good times back. I want to help him heal. Literally 3 weeks ago we were planning for buying our house in 10 months, now he's saying he wants a separation. How do I help him get into therapy? How do I show him this even exists and lines up exactly with the patterns he shows, and that there is a solution and help that he could be getting, instead of me and his own mind being the proverbial punching bag? I hate to see him hurting, because I can see how this steals him. It's like he becomes someone else in those moments, all rational thought leaves until he can calm down. And then it's almost like nothing happened, but he stays mad at me.

TLDR: I think my husband has BPD after 11 years of cycles of self-sabotage and push-pull (don't get me wrong, this is just the worst, most days are good but lately... it's been rough. So this reads rough.) How do I get him help? I know this cycle isn't good,

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[kells76]

Hello BunnyFace29 and a warm welcome to the group 

Thanks for sharing so much of your backstory. Eleven years is a long time... and also not a long time... and a lot can happen in there. It's good you recognize the cyclical nature of a BPD relationship -- it's often described as an emotional roller coaster, and it sounds like both of you have been riding his ride for a while.

There were a few parts of your post I had questions about, just to get a better sense of everything that has happened:

it was 2018 and we loved each other. He deployed. My job tanked. My hair was falling out in clumps from stress.  I found a therapist who recommended quitting and going back to grad school, like I had wanted. There would be 3 months for me to recover. I asked him if he would resent me. He said no. I guess he already was, because in this time he stepped out and started drinking...He got mean, cold, pushing me away. He started threatening suicide, driving super fast all the time, up all night sobbing in the bathroom.

Was ~2018 the first time he threatened suicide?

And when you describe him "stepping out", does that mean he was cheating/having an affair, or something else?

By New Year 2020 I couldn't shake my hangover. I found out I was pregnant by the time we got home from visiting family. He was over the moon, and I was excited but nervous. He took that to mean I wasn't happy about our daughter. The cycle started again. Gone all night, angry most of the day. Some hints of sunshine between the storm clouds. This time, an affair. I caught him, had to pry the rifle out of his hands. Apologies. Told me he loved her more. Told me I deserve better and to leave. Told me he deserved better, I didn't take care of myself. That he wished he was dead every day. That I'd never understand. That I'm too clingy, that he needs space, that I don't listen, that I don't ask for help, I do too much alone, I talk too much. So many contradictions.

Was he threatening to shoot himself with his rifle, and that was related to being caught in the affair? And this was going on as you were getting closer to your due date? Want to make sure I'm understanding the timeline correctly.

We go to therapy, both of us. I go to leave but don't want him to die because I realize something is wrong. Maybe it's always been wrong but it's been getting worse, every year of his 20's it's a little harder for him. Maybe I never handled it right to begin with, but how could I have? Who is prepared to take that on at any age, let alone at 22, 23, 24?

He does better, apologies. His eyes are hollow and sad. He doesn't know why this is happening. He doesn't know why he did any of it. He loves me and always has, so why? He doesn't have an answer. We leave the Marines.

Sounds like you were afraid he would commit suicide if you left (and I'm guessing your child is ~2 at that point)? Did that ever come up in therapy?

Was he honorably discharged, or any issues with leaving the Marines?

Since then, I've been researching like a wizard in a tower. His therapists said bipolar but that doesn't make sense either. His moods are never stable for long enough to be bipolar disorder, they change based on circumstance and fit the DSM characteristics. When talking to my therapist, she agrees that it does sound similar. He is constantly saying how I would never understand what's happening in his head, that he is constantly suffering, that he always wishes he was dead. He reacts with anger at a second's notice and then immediately cools to regret. If things are too good, he self-sabotages. He is now telling me that I have never listened to him, that I don't respect him as a father and husband because I am too stubborn (i.e. I carry too many grocery bags without asking for help and then hurt myself, I walk both dogs while he is sleeping because he asked to be left alone and they pull me down), and most importantly that I am suffocating him because he needs space, and that means leaving him alone, for days if I have to, until he comes to me, without asking for a hug or reassurance or when the space is done or any other questions about the house or his homework unless he comes to me first, because he feels like he is suffocating and that he has spent so many years caving to my feeling first. When he used to try to storm out, I would follow or cry because I was confused, and he would try and stay and it would make the fight worse, but I didn't realize what I was doing. I know now not to follow, but days is a really big ask to have no affection, no hug, no talking. He is saying if I don't do this, he may need to move out and separate.

OK, it's good to hear that both of you are in therapy still  You must have a disclosure or something where you can talk with his team? Is he seeing multiple T's at once, or one at a time in sequence? What would he say he is in therapy for?

I don't want that. Not only can we really not afford that, but I don't want to have a divorce. I just want the husband from the good times back. I want to help him heal. Literally 3 weeks ago we were planning for buying our house in 10 months, now he's saying he wants a separation. How do I help him get into therapy? How do I show him this even exists and lines up exactly with the patterns he shows, and that there is a solution and help that he could be getting, instead of me and his own mind being the proverbial punching bag? I hate to see him hurting, because I can see how this steals him. It's like he becomes someone else in those moments, all rational thought leaves until he can calm down. And then it's almost like nothing happened, but he stays mad at me.

That is so hard about a BPD relationship: the good times were really good, and of course you want more than just glimpses of how things were. It's hard to face the reality that it's all him -- BPD is that profound and impactful of a mental illness. It's a tragedy because it robs untreated sufferers of a self, and robs their loved ones of a real self to love.

Not much is intuitive about staying in and improving a relationship with a pwBPD. As odd as it sounds, focusing on your own mental health and sense of self first, kind of modeling a healthy path forward, can be more beneficial than keeping the spotlight on him and what he needs and his behaviors. Right now his roller coaster is running the show; an unhealthy person is in the lead. It takes a lot of strength to be the emotional leader in a BPD relationship... but that's what will give it better odds of success.

In terms of your question about how to get him help, that's also pretty unintuitive. If BPD is in play, then he has a serious and impairing mental illness, so "normal" ways of "convincing" someone to do something will probably be ineffective at best, if not counterproductive.

We have an incredibly helpful article on that topic: Anosognosia and Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy; when you have a minute, take a look through it and let us know what stands out to you. It's based on the book I Am Not Sick, I Don't Need Help! by Dr. Xavier Amador, and while focused on schizophrenia, the principles apply to any time you hope a loved one will get meaningful treatment.

I'll wrap up there -- I know it's a lot of questions right off the bat! BPD relationships are long-haul endeavors, so settle in here, get comfortable, click around, and fill us in on more whenever works best for you.

kells76

[BunnyFace29]

Hey kells - first off, thank you for the welcome and for taking the time - I deleted a lot from my first draft since I felt like I wrote a novel but I think I definitely deleted some context!

You're right - 11 years is both forever and the blink of an eye. So to answer the questions

1) 2018 wasn't the first time, he had before as a teen and had a few unnoticed attempts (stole moms meds and tried to OD and got in trouble instead of them getting worried, etc), but it was my first time dealing with it solo and directed at me as a threat. Before he would get a little moody or irritable, but this was the first truly "unstable" behavior I was privvy to. With stepping out, I don't think he was having an affair at this time, he was just constantly out with friends, partying... sometimes he would invite me, but usually it was just "boys nights" with the rest of the troop of mentally ill lost boys that congregate in the Marine Corps infantry.

2)Yes, when I caught him in the affair he was blackout drunk and couldnt walk so he crawled to the closet where he kept his firearm, hauled himself up, and started trying to pull down and unzip the case. Our daughter was about 4-5 months old and asleep in the other room, thankfully. I had never seen him like this. He had just come back from a bad deployment too... found out later he had head trauma from it. Had to call his friends to help me put him back in bed and stay over to keep him safe in shifts.

3)We start therapy basically that same week, as soon as I can get an appointment. I am very cautious as he is terrified of losing his job, and I obviously now know that his irritability is more than what he had been letting on. He was very good at hiding how he was actually feeling and then suddenly blowing up or revealing that he was drinking heavily/speeding on his motorcycle/not sleeping/the affair. In therapy he mostly just talked about how the affair was because I was insecure (I was very insecure with my body at the time) and he felt like he couldn't talk to me because I wouldn't go to the gym, that I was always worried about gaining weight and now I got fat and he isn't interested and I don't seem to care, and then he would backtrack and say he didn't know why he said that and he still loves me but wasn't in love with me, and then recorrect and say he didn't want us to divorce, he just didn't know what he wanted anymore. He was honorably discharged and they actually fought to keep him. He was a stellar Marine, no issues with his service. He works hard at what he does, and when he is with our daughter he pushes all of this chaos away so it doesn't hit her because he says he never wants her to see him yell, and he is asking to separate because he doesn't want to yell and scream at me and hates that he makes me cry, which is why he's been asking for so much space for so long because now he feels like he can barely look at me without wanting to shout and he hates that.

4)I've been in continuous therapy. When we first got out, he saw a therapist and a psychiatrist. Therapist and psych said he had depression, maybe bipolar and adhd. gave him lots of meds, nothing helped, he just said he felt really numb. he stopped going, then I got a new job and he was supposed to finish this certificate (I got the job after he paid for the certificate, he was doing a lot better, he swore up and down the best thing to do was to just finish it there). He didn't graduate as he couldn't keep up with working nights away from me and the baby while doing the intensive class, he spiraled out, and got super depressed. Right before he stopped, the therapist suggested BPD and told him to please find a new therapist asap, and not stop taking his meds as he was really scared he would "crash out hard and enter a terrible depressive spiral". Oops.

5) I know that with him, it's always the good with the bad, and I'm okay with that. I love him for him, and I've told him a million times over that I have seen his worst and love him still, I just want to offer help.

Thank you so much for your help - I'll definitely be looking around and reading more. I am so glad I found this site and all you lovely people! <3