Fitting pieces together

[emland]

I'm beginning to think my spouse has BPD. At first I thought it may have been NPD, but thinking there's some comorbidity there. He's an alcoholic 10 years in recovery, but displays what I thought were "dry drunk" symptoms. Never satisfied, low self esteem, gaslighting, major and frequent mood swings, mirroring, blame shifting, can't hold a job, etc. We are in couple's therapy and he has been diagnosed with ADHD. I think this is an incomplete diagnosis that doesn't fully encompass his symptoms and the abuse I've endured. I'm so tired. New to this - any validation, help appreciated.

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[kells76]

Hello emland and welcome  

BPD can be exhausting to deal with, especially when it's your spouse; it's no wonder you're tired. Definitely a lot of moving parts in your situation (PD traits/behaviors plus substance abuse is very challenging), so I just have a few questions to get a better sense of the history here.

How long have the two of you been married? Do you have any children (just yours, just his, and/or shared)?

Did you suspect NPD before you got married, or only after? Did he start alcohol recovery before or after you got married?

You mention he can't hold down a job; what's the history there? Are you employed outside the home?

It is good to hear that both of you are in couples therapy. It can be difficult for a pwBPD to start to attend, so that is something. Did the couples T diagnose him with ADHD? Does he seem to accept that diagnosis?

...

I know it's a lot of questions, so I'll pause there to give you a chance!

People stay in relationships with pwBPD for any number of reasons: financial, spiritual/religious, child-related, safety, personal... we understand that here. One of the best moves you can make, if you're choosing to stay, is starting to understand what's under your control, no matter what he does or doesn't do or say.  Both partners contribute to the relationship dynamic (albeit in different ways and at different levels); knowing that you can control and change your contribution will be key.

Not much is intuitive about having an effective relationship with a pwBPD; sometimes, even out of the best of intentions, we can inadvertently make things worse. Fortunately, stopping making things worse is under our control! When you have a minute, take a look at our section of articles on "When a partner/spouse has Borderline Personality Disorder" and let us know what stands out to you.

No pressure -- feel free to settle in, click around, and get comfortable. We'll be here.

kells76

[emland]

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. It's so daunting to think back on all the instances that have happened. We will have been married three years in August and we share a 1.5 year old. I didn't suspect NPD before we got married, but looking back, they were many tendencies toward it along with BPD that just got more draining and exacerbated overtime (i.e. incessant talking, going from one hobby to the next, not able to hold down a job and not communicating properly with me before quitting jobs, poor financial responsibility, and mood swings). He had been in recovery from alcohol about four years before we met and AA has always been a very big part of his life of which I sometimes feel is perhaps helping to keep him sober, but enabling him in other ways. The constant talking on the phone with sponsees, sponsors, and other people in AA feels like it takes a precedence over family time.

As far as not being able to hold down a job, he just told me the current job he has of three months is not working. He has now had 4 jobs in one year. I cautioned him on this job as it was not a steady income and manual labor which he had told me previous he did not want to do anymore. Yet, he cherry-picked what he wanted to hear and he we are. He has quit a job when our baby was six months old without telling me. He then blamed it on me because I confronted him about him seemingly being miserable all the time and not putting as much effort into work as he should have (working 4 hour days in a sales job). Prior to this, he worked in carpentry, on boats, in packaging, in renewable energy, and in upholstery. Nothing ever seems to ever be satisfactory to him. He told me this last job would “heal his soul and take me back to my roots as a carpenter.” And now it's onto the next thing....

I work part time and love my job. After two of his job failures, I decided to start working while he took care of our daughter. This wasn't suitable to him. He started working part time on the days when I wasn't working. This wasn't good enough. He has now stripped my job down to two days and has demanded that he will work full time and we will need to get a babysitter for our child (of which I have expressed I'm not comfortable with). I am in a career where I need to put in hours in order to obtain a license after which I can slow down a little. He refuses to see this time as temporary and will not put anybody else's needs, however logical they may seem, above his own. He claims I've "clawed onto" what I want, and frankly, I've had to claw onto everything for fear of him ripping it away.

He accepts the ADHD diagnosis, but refuses to take medication as he says he used to abuse medication meant for ADHD. There is no sustainable solution with him and it’s killing me.
The constant lack of accountability, lack of follow through, mood swings, blame shifting, doing things that affect our family without telling me, sharing half truths and being dishonest, gaslighting, and general lack of stability, security, and consistency have worn me down to a shadowof myself.

I know this got a little "venty," but I'm so tired, confused, and at a loss.

[itisi]

Hi Emland,

I’m not an expert, just another person learning to navigate these challenges. A lot of what you said makes sense and reminds me of similar experiences I’ve had over the past 4 or so years with my now husband. I hope you are finding some solace and relief as you are able to acknowledge what you’ve been through. Like kells76 mentioned, once I realized all the things I was doing that were making it worse (and I thought at the time they were the best things to do), it has helped so much.

Be encouraged that as you study there are going to be so many tools to help you navigate and make this work if that’s what you want. There will be hard times, but just be encouraged remembering that these are issues in him and those behaviors don’t have anything to do with you (especially the abuse). It can truly get better when you learn how to implement healthy boundaries and tools and differentiate that any projections from him don’t truly belong to you.

So happy learning to you,  and I hope you are able to find some comfort and refreshment through this process. Also, focus on your self care; it’s been very challenging for me to do, but a game changer!