Ex with BPD

[fisca]

Hey,

About 7 days removed from a 16 months relationship with someone with BPD. My first ever relationship (I'm 28), I have all sorts of issues with social anxiety and depression etc.. and I really thought this person was "The one". The pain is unbearable right now, My entire world has disappeared. What I thought was a mature decision by both of us to part ways and "grow" and naively come back together in the future. All the promises, especially on her end "my heart and soul are locked away for you forever", "i'll wait forever", "we are still getting married" has me now realizing after some social media stalking I could not resist that she has moved on so so fast, or at-least that is how it appears to me / what my insecurity is telling me. It has progressed to her slowly removing me from everything and seemingly forgetting i existed. I have done so much research on BPD post breakup and have nagging thoughts that I stopped being the object of attraction or the "favourite person" a while before the breakup. The less time she spent with me towards the end assuring me she just needed to her self, now have me wondering what she was really doing, if she was talking to other people. It has left me feeling so betrayed, like the relationship and the time we spent together meant absolutely nothing. I don't think she physically cheated, but at this point I have a strong suspicion she emotionally cheated or entertained validation from other guys. Given how insecure she was with me, and how strongly she opposed cheating in any way, this feeling and these thoughts I have are tearing me apart. I wish the relationship matter to her, I wish I mattered to her.

[tina7868]

Hi Fisca, and welcome to the forum  ! I`m sincerely sorry for the difficult circumstances that brought you here, but glad that you found this space where a lot of us `get it`. My heart goes out to you for all the difficult emotions that you must be dealing with. With patience and kindness towards yourself, as well as time, you can learn a lot about yourself through this experience. You`re not alone in this.

A couple of elements from your post stand out to me, along with a few questions to help get a better idea of where your head is at. There are no right or wrong answers, feel free to answer (or not answer!) them:

- Were you hoping to reconsciliate with her after the breakup? Has looking her up on social media impacted that answer?
- Catered snapshots of someone`s life selected for display on social media do not necessarily reflect their reality. That being said, I totally get the pull of social media stalking.
- My ex with BPD moved on very quickly, or at least seemed to, as well. That hurt a lot. However, I don`t think it reflects the significance of the relationship. Think about repairing a glass bottle with cracks. You could decide to paint over it really fast (the cracks remain, but it is very vulnerable to breaking) vs. taking the bottle apart, and putting it back together, piece by piece, to make a more solid whole. Your ex may have chosen the former by ignoring her feelings and going on full steam ahead. It`s easier to avoid difficult emotions, after all. Bury the pain. It might not even be a conscious choice, but rather a defence mechanism, based on the fact that she doesn`t have the emotional capacity to navigate uncomfortable feelings. When you view things that way, it`s sad; she`s doomed to repeat the same mistakes again and again because she won`t learn from her patterns. You, on the other hand, can choose to feel your pain, to learn and grow, and to `rebuild` your glass. It`s longer and more uncomfortable, but it`s so worth it!

[fisca]

Hey Tina,

Thank you so much for replying. It is currently very early on and I'm going back and forth like a yo-yo with my emotions and thinking. I think at first especially as the panic and anxiety set in, I wanted to mend it and fix it. Having spoken to many close friends and family I feel accountable that I could never go back to her and put them through this again either (lots of late night calls/chats). I am practicing some discipline in no longer checking posts. If I'm being honest I think some part of me still hopes to hear from her again in some capacity, although I know that could not be a romantic relationship. I really appreciate the glass bottle analogy, it helps me process that a lot better. I understand that someone with BPD cannot sit in the devastation the same way someone not suffering from BPD can, I just hope that she may one day look back on some of the memories we have/had together and find some warmth in them, I know i will.

[tina7868]

Thank you so much for replying. It is currently very early on and I'm going back and forth like a yo-yo with my emotions and thinking. I think at first especially as the panic and anxiety set in, I wanted to mend it and fix it. Having spoken to many close friends and family I feel accountable that I could never go back to her and put them through this again either (lots of late night calls/chats). I am practicing some discipline in no longer checking posts. If I'm being honest I think some part of me still hopes to hear from her again in some capacity, although I know that could not be a romantic relationship. I really appreciate the glass bottle analogy, it helps me process that a lot better. I understand that someone with BPD cannot sit in the devastation the same way someone not suffering from BPD can, I just hope that she may one day look back on some of the memories we have/had together and find some warmth in them, I know i will.

What you describe are completely understandable reactions to a difficult, emotionally charged situation. A lot of us have been there. Eventually, the big waves of emotion turn more gentle. Be kind and patient with yourself as the process takes its course.

What have your days been looking like recently? What feelings are at the forefront?

Anxiety and panic can be powerful. They can make you believe that the only way forward is to do something. What I`ve learned is that sitting with these feelings is what truly makes them lose their power. Eventually, they peak and then they petter off. A therapist may be helpful with these types of feelings if they are to much to navigate alone.

It`s also okay to want to hear from her again, and hope for a softer conclusion to what was a meaningful relationship in your life. You can simultaneously hold these desires and come to a place where you are okay whether they do happen down the line or not.

[fisca]

My Days have been really hard, It seems like mornings are the most brutal. Waking up and realising this is my reality, it is hard. I have been trying to get out of the house a bit and do things. I think the lack of closure is hard, especially since one day before the breakup or No Contact phone call was messages about how i'm the only one for her and that maybe we can "find our way back to each other". I know she felt it at the time, but the fact I do not suffer from the disorder makes me empathising with her mindset or how her brain functions almost impossible. The feelings at the forefront I think are hurt and betrayal in some sense? then pure sorrow and denial that I no longer have this person in my life. We were only together for a year and 5 months but we spent every single day calling 8-12 hours a day, sleeping on call a lot (it was long distance). So the attachment I had was complete dependency and super unhealthy. It's just to process and I feel just empty and so lost.

[tina7868]

I'm really sorry to hear that you've been going through a tough time.

Breakups can be incredibly challenging to navigate, especially when they involve intense emotional bonds. It's completely understandable that mornings are particularly difficult for you, as they often bring the stark realization of your new reality. I can relate to that feeling.

It sounds like your relationship was deeply intertwined with daily routines and a significant amount of time spent together. The sudden shift from that constant connection to silence and separation can indeed leave you feeling empty, lost, and struggling to make sense of it all. It's important to acknowledge your feelings of hurt, betrayal, sorrow, and denial. These emotions are valid and part of the grieving process. Given the intensity of your attachment, regardless of how long you were together, it may take some time to heal and adjust to this new chapter of your life. And again, that`s valid and okay. Be kind and understanding with yourself.

Closure can be elusive in situations like this, especially when there were mixed messages or unresolved feelings before the breakup. It might help to focus on finding closure within yourself, rather than seeking it from your ex. Even if she was the healthiest person in the world, it is hard for the person who is the reason why we are hurting (in this case because of a breakup) to also be the person who can help us make sense of it all. This is especially true when your ex has BPD, as she herself may not be able to reflect beyond a superficial level as to why things unfolded the way they did. That`s unfortunate, but it does not have to impede your journey, as you can decide for yourself what your truth is. This could involve reflecting on what you've learned from the relationship, and gradually accepting that the relationship, as it was, is over.

Getting out of the house and doing things is a great in times like this. Here are a few more suggestions, based on my own experience. When in doubt, bring things back to basics: make sure you`re eating, getting some movement in, and sleeping well. The rest will fall in place.

 - Allow yourself to grieve: Give yourself permission to feel and express your emotions. It's okay to be sad, angry, or confused. It`s okay to miss her. Don't judge yourself for having these feelings.

- Seek support: Sharing your thoughts and feelings with others can often lighten the emotional burden. Posting here is a great example of that. So is talking to trusted friends and family members.

- Try something new: Try to create new daily routines or activities that bring you a sense of purpose and fulfillment that shake things up in your life. It doesn`t have to be anything super wild (although it could be!), just something different.

 - Consider talking to a therapist: If you find yourself struggling to cope or if your emotions become overwhelming, consider reaching out to a therapist. They can provide guidance and tools to navigate this challenging time. Therapy, with the right specialist, can meet you where you are at and work for you. It doesn`t have to be about dwelving into your childhood (although it could be if that`s what`s beneficial!). It can be about learning practical, applicable skills that will help you in all areas of your life.

Remember, it's okay to feel lost right now. Healing isn't linear, and there will be ups and downs and roundabouts along the way. You're not alone in this, and with time and self-compassion, you will find your way through.

[fisca]

Unfortunately I have been really unable to keep from checking her social media. I have this gut feeling that she is already moving on with someone else. Her last post kind of confirmed it with a lot of date esq. pictures. It's causing me panic attacks and jealousy and a entire slew of emotions that are making me feel so so so low. I understand that she is diagnosed BPD, however having spent so so much time with each other and speaking so intimately, I feel so hurt like everything we shared wasn't real in the slightest or like it didn't mean anything to her. I feel like I am sitting here heartbroken, while she is having the time of her life falling in love with someone new. The pain is unbearable

[jaded7]

Unfortunately I have been really unable to keep from checking her social media. I have this gut feeling that she is already moving on with someone else. Her last post kind of confirmed it with a lot of date esq. pictures. It's causing me panic attacks and jealousy and a entire slew of emotions that are making me feel so so so low. I understand that she is diagnosed BPD, however having spent so so much time with each other and speaking so intimately, I feel so hurt like everything we shared wasn't real in the slightest or like it didn't mean anything to her. I feel like I am sitting here heartbroken, while she is having the time of her life falling in love with someone new. The pain is unbearable

I'm so sorry Fisca. These relationship endings hurt SOOO bad. We all know this, so know that you aren't alone. Waking up with the feeling of is this real? Yep. Thinking about her all the time. Yep. Yep.

There's a book that talks about these feelings and how our brains are going haywire, and it helps makes sense of this. It's a real phenomenon and biological in nature, at least in 'regular' relationships. Maybe even more so with a diganosed BPD partner. It's by a woman called Susan Anderson the title is The Journey From Abandonment To Healing. She's also written several other books on the topic, and she used to have a Website with discussion boards.

Eat as well as you can (we all know it's hard in the beginning), rest as much as you can, walk in nature. These things helped me.

[fisca]

So I sorta broke, I didn't like that our last interaction was so bad. I sent her a really nice long message. She read it and left it on read for 3 days. After 3 days randomly at like 1 am she love hearted the message. Then 3 days later she unhearted it without saying anything. This made me really anxious for some reason so I reached out and messaged her which she just read, so i prodded again. Eventually she replied angrily saying its not even been a month that it has been enough time in any capacity to be having "this" what I'm still doing in her life. I guess I just didn't know why she hearted something, or unhearted it later on. Moreover I don't know why she doesn't block me if she just wants me to leave her alone completely. I feel like i'm misreading things or being a bit mind f'd. Anyways I do feel weak, as I broke and messaged her. She ended it with "Do not contact me further." with how i am right now she doesn't want that in her life anymore. I guess she is referring to my insecurity. This is so hard.

[tina7868]

So I sorta broke, I didn't like that our last interaction was so bad. I sent her a really nice long message. She read it and left it on read for 3 days. After 3 days randomly at like 1 am she love hearted the message. Then 3 days later she unhearted it without saying anything. This made me really anxious for some reason so I reached out and messaged her which she just read, so i prodded again. Eventually she replied angrily saying its not even been a month that it has been enough time in any capacity to be having "this" what I'm still doing in her life. I guess I just didn't know why she hearted something, or unhearted it later on. Moreover I don't know why she doesn't block me if she just wants me to leave her alone completely. I feel like i'm misreading things or being a bit mind f'd. Anyways I do feel weak, as I broke and messaged her. She ended it with "Do not contact me further." with how i am right now she doesn't want that in her life anymore. I guess she is referring to my insecurity. This is so hard.

hi fisca,

how are you feeling today?

you`re not weak for feeling emotional and reaching out. it`s a very real part of being human and experiencing feelings. reading into her actions (hearting, unhearting, blocking, not blocking...) can be maddening. whatever she is navigating, and how she is processing her emotions, isn`t a priority for you right now. what`s important is to bring the focus back to you and how you feel.

what made you reach out? you mention not liking leaving your last interaction on a bad note. what sort of note would you want to leave things on?

identifying what you are seeking from her can help because you can learn to bring that closure and validation to yourself. you are a much more reliable and consistent source than anyone else can be.

hang in there.