Hanging on the best I can

[yellowwallpaper]

Hello there! It's been awhile since I've posted on this forum, though I read it often. I have been in a relationship with my BPD partner for more than 3 years. We have one young child (2) and another on the way. We discovered my partner's BPD diagnosis just over a year ago. After the birth of our first child, his mental health has been a roller coaster.

Most of 2023 was spent in therapy, working on our relationship, and improving things. Late 2023 to early 2024 things were actually pretty good! He still would have episodes, but they were infrequent, and I had enough know-how and emotional stamina to handle them properly. After the incident, we'd discuss it and move on. It felt like a ton of progress had been made and potential remission was in sight. I can't believe that was just a few months ago.

Another "episode spiral" started in early May of this year. I call it this because-- during the "good periods"-- my partner's episodes are limited to a single day (or even a single afternoon) and he's able to return to a functional state. However, since May, my partner's episodes have been back-to-back, sometimes lasting days, and he is perpetually overwhelmed. We have been here before, and the thing that helped end the cycle both times was him starting new or increasing existing medication. While he does take his medication, he has a lot of shame around it, so we have not yet talked about him reaching out for a medicine change this time around.

He is in individual therapy, and we are in couple's therapy together. I am feeling a bit let down by medical professionals, honestly, because they seem to not be able to see through my partner's unconscious BPD masks. (If he's in a "good mood" when therapy starts, you might never know he's in this spiral of splitting.) The biggest thing my partner needs help with right now is figuring out how to get out of this spiral, but I don't think anything of the guidance he's receiving is helping much with that.

I've been at this rodeo long enough to know that there's not much I can do to help him. I've read the books, changed the way I respond, and done my best to establish and hold boundaries. My partner feels like I'm being mean to him and abandoning him in his time of need, but I know that if I get on this emotional roller coaster with him then we'll both be in trouble.

I'm doing my best to hold it together, but it's rough. The person I care about, who is actually doing the work and trying to improve, is in great emotional distress. Their anger and irritation directed towards me is sometimes a lot to endure (especially when my body is flooded with hormones during pregnancy). My partner might have an emotional breakdown one evening, lashing out at me and blaming me for his pain, but the next day I still have to get up, go to work, and take care of my kid. I'm just trying to take it day by day and hope that something in therapy helps him snap out of this spiral.

I'm just reaching out to this community looking for support. Has your partner with BPD had these "spirals" or periods of persistent stress in between good periods? How did you deal with it? What ended the spiral? Thanks for reading, and I hope we can all hang in there.

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[kells76]

Hi, welcome back 

Good to hear that therapy was happening last year. Was that just you, just him, or both of you?

Congratulations on a new baby on the way, too what a joy!

I looked back at some of your earlier posts; it sounds like the time around when baby #1 arrived was difficult for your partner?

When did you find out you were expecting baby #2? Was it in May or is that just coincidence?

I'm curious if he struggles to cope with the family changing (adding kids) and takes much, much longer than most people to re-equilibrate.

[yellowwallpaper]

Hi, welcome back 

Good to hear that therapy was happening last year. Was that just you, just him, or both of you?

Congratulations on a new baby on the way, too what a joy!

I looked back at some of your earlier posts; it sounds like the time around when baby #1 arrived was difficult for your partner?

When did you find out you were expecting baby #2? Was it in May or is that just coincidence?

I'm curious if he struggles to cope with the family changing (adding kids) and takes much, much longer than most people to re-equilibrate.

Therapy was for both (individually)! Mine was quite helpful in understanding BPD and setting boundaries.

That's quite insightful of you to notice that pattern (and thank you for the congrats). Yes, I do believe the new baby might have something to do with his increase in episodes. I had severe pregnancy symptoms for several months that some days prevented me from even getting out of bed. A lot of the responsibility of watching our toddler and taking care of our household fell on him, which undoubtedly increased his stress levels. He's also very uncomfortable around sick people (which I'm not quite sure why). So, overall, the stress of my early pregnancy symptoms likely contributed to the episode spiral.

In recent news: things have improved the last few days. Have my pregnancy symptoms gotten much better the last couple of weeks? Yes, and I think that's a factor. However, I think the biggest change was he reached such a extreme level of anger in an episode that it turned into overwhelming sadness and crying. While this was painful to witness, it allowed me to comfort him in a way I can't when he's raging. From that moment on, he was able to calm down to a level he hasn't in quite awhile. He's reached out to his psychiatrist to adjust his meds, and we'll be continuing therapy. The last few months have been very difficult, but I'm hopeful we're moving in the right direction. Deep breaths.