I miss him And I hate that

[Missygirl]

I'm struggling a bit today, I'm upset at myself that I miss him. I'm feeling lonely and I miss my friend even though I've rarely had the real him this entire time. It's worse when I dream of him actually being kind or trying to fix things with me and then I wake up and I'm still in this no contact nightmare of him hating me.
I just dont know what happened that made him stop seeing me as his friend from all those years ago at the very least.


My trip to see my grandma and sister was very good. My grandma who I've only known for 10 years has been the most kind and patient support system.
She reminded me how special I am and how I have to remember not to change the way I love. "The way you love is special, that part was real, your love for him was real and it should have been cherished not diminished. Don't Stop loving people with all your heart because HE couldn't see how rare that is."
It was really good because i was scared she would be disappointed that I kept going back to him. And she said
"You believed in him when others didn't, you saw the best in him, you're a good person and see the good in him too, that's not your fault. Even if you went back I wouldn't be disappointed in you, your kindness and sweetness allows you to forgive people and I would understand that you're just trying your best. I love you unconditionally and will always be there to support you"

I've cried so much this week, lots of heavy talks with grandma - got lots off my chest.
Talking with her helped me unpack some of the abusive language and manipulation he used against me. I realized the pattern of him accusing me of being *manipulative* but he was the one being that way. It's like the trope of someone whose cheating is paranoid of the partner cheating. He would say that he's scared to talk to me when I've been the one walking on eggshells.

My talk with my sister went well too, I haven't seen her in a year and hanging out with the kids at the zoo was so fun.
My sister said she's felt so distant from me since my ex and I had been in this cycle for the past 4 years. She said how angry she was that I couldn't see how i was changing myself to suit him. She felt like she was watching me lose myself and that it had caused alot of tension between her and me 

I really felt my sister was always disappointed and didn't like my ex, but until now I didn't see that she was coming from a place of love and care.
She mentioned how it's no wonder I have been unable to see the unhealthy dynamics of the relationship since we haven't had any good influences (abusive parents, estranged and alcoholic family members, and a mom who tried to fix a toxic marriage for far too long).
 I really haven't looked at the reasons why I thought I didn't deserve better until I talked to her.

Her husband is phenomenal and treats her and the kids like gold- they are the first real example I want to follow.

She said how she knows I'll find someone, I'm beautiful, talented, funny, caring, sparkly, and worth all the love in the world. She said how I deserve someone who sees me and isn't intimidated by my amazing ness and I don't feel like I have to dull my inner sparkle for them to shine. That I'm a star and should be treated like one.
 She said how my ex has so much baggage and dysfunction in his own family that it makes sense but it still doesn't make it right..

This is the first real honest conversation I have had with her in a very long time. She said how this situation felt like losing her only sister and how much she's missed hearing me be happy.

I was glad to go as it helped me process some things that happened and I've realized how abusive it really was towards the end.
I have to keep reminding myself that it wasn't healthy and the kind caring friend I was dazzled into loving --isn't him anymore.

He's changed, whether it be mental immaturity, undiagnosed bpd, family trauma etc. He's not the same guy. I have to keep saying that. My mind keeps playing tricks on me and envision best case scenarios or dreams up intimate visits with him being caring and sweet again. It's a mental torture waking up and realizing reality isn't the happy ever after I wanted with him.

He should be back from seeing his family and now I'm bracing for him to contact me.
I feel sadder thinking he won't, (isn't that messed up) I should want nothing to do with him after how he's used and discarded me over and over again. But I have this tenderness for him, this soft spot that developed from all our years of friendship.
I am trying not to overlook his toxic and sometimes outright mean behavior, I am trying to remind myself of how painfully and callously he ended things over the phone - flushing a 10 year relationship down the toilet. Blaming me and then saying he's not punishing me.
I am trying to remember he's not well and he's not healthy enough to be in my life.
His actions negatively affected me.
Created distance between me and my friends and family
Caused me to be dishonest about his actions to others
Tore my self esteem to threads
Ripped apart my dream life with him

I'm sad
I'm lonely
I miss him
And I hate that

[once removed]

breakups are a complicated kind of grief. most of the time, they end on a bad note; someone hurts someone. or someone moves on to someone else. or one person didnt see it coming. its a challenging place to be, to have that hurt, that longing, and that desire to be past it, all at the same time.

ask yourself, though, if this person had died, would you "hate" that you miss them? probably not. and it probably wouldnt occur to you to overlook the good times, and focus on the bad times, in order to work past it.

so why do we do this with breakups? partly because society tells us that its weak to feel this way over someone who has hurt us. partly because it makes us feel vulnerable, and powerless, when all we want to do is reverse those feelings, and to feel in control.

my recovery got a lot easier for me when i stopped judging my thoughts and feelings, and just observed them for what they were: a natural part of the process of grief. a feeling is just a feeling, neither right or wrong, and these breakups are hard enough without beating ourselves up for having them.

it is natural to miss, or to long for, or to have entirely complicated feelings toward someone who you have loved, who has also hurt you, and with whom that bond is now severed. remind yourself of this.

strength and emotional maturity are (in part) about recognizing and fully feeling our feelings; to hold two (or more) conflicting feelings at the same time, rather than avoid them, or try to make them go away.

in other words, the way out is through. to miss someone is to, in part, accept that theyre gone.

[tina7868]

Hey Missygirl, thank you for continuing to share your journey with us.

I can understand where you`re coming from. Your mind is in one place, and your heart is in the other.

You invested a lot of yourself in him, you gave it your best. You genuinely tried, which is the most that one can do. He wasn`t the right person to receive your love, and I`m sorry about that. I know it hurts. But this is something you can gain peace from. Know that your loving qualities are yours, cannot be taken away from you.

Be kind to yourself.

[Missygirl]

Thank you both, yes I am trying to be kind and patient with my fluctuating emotions about him. And thank you OnceRemoved for reminding me that two things can coexist at once.

What I struggle with though, is my predilection to focus mainly on the good things which creates a dissociative fantasy not rooted in reality.
This being modeled and taught by my mother who encouraged us to take the good and leave the bad, water off a ducks back, ignorance is bliss method- when it came to my abusive alcoholic father (who I cut ties with 8 years ago- changed my name and everything thats a whole other story)  I can see now how this way of thinking really set me up for being used and walked all over.

I think that's why I am focusing on the bad things that my ex did so much, because I haven't ever really given it mental space or validity.
I'm trying to solidify in my mind the reality of events so that my hopeful imagination of a unrealistic future with him doesn't get the better of me. I am very future oriented and often have a hard time sitting with uncomfortable present moments.
Some of it is very motivating such as planning my end of university and career move abroad. Others can be dysfunctional-- such as envisioning a better life with him once x&y&z happen.

I agree that it's silly to be hard on myself for missing him, and relating it to a death makes alot of sense for me.  I'm just trying to keep it rooted in reality.
Realizing the relationship is dead is a big hurdle for me, since I always wanted to race in and do CPR, even if he had a do-not-resuscitate clearly on his face. I couldn't and maybe  more accurately didn't want to see that.

Thank you also Tina, your kind words are always so helpful. I am feeling more sturdy since i saw my family and now that I'm back home with mom I can focus on getting a routine going.

 Mom mentioned how I was "Newly Single"  to a friend of hers whose son is my age. And I get where she's coming from, but I don't think I can handle a relationship right now. I'm too broken hearted and need to focus on finishing uni.
And besides, I don't even know how real relationships and dating works, I've only been with my ex (since teenage till now), so my experience is limited and not very good.
I know I'm not ready to move on, I know I want to- i want someone who loves me and treats me well
But I just feel like I'd screw it up if I jumped into anything before I get some of my crap sorted out.

Oh well that's a bridge to cross later

[SinisterComplex]

Thank you both, yes I am trying to be kind and patient with my fluctuating emotions about him. And thank you OnceRemoved for reminding me that two things can coexist at once.

What I struggle with though, is my predilection to focus mainly on the good things which creates a dissociative fantasy not rooted in reality.
This being modeled and taught by my mother who encouraged us to take the good and leave the bad, water off a ducks back, ignorance is bliss method- when it came to my abusive alcoholic father (who I cut ties with 8 years ago- changed my name and everything thats a whole other story)  I can see now how this way of thinking really set me up for being used and walked all over.

I think that's why I am focusing on the bad things that my ex did so much, because I haven't ever really given it mental space or validity.
I'm trying to solidify in my mind the reality of events so that my hopeful imagination of a unrealistic future with him doesn't get the better of me. I am very future oriented and often have a hard time sitting with uncomfortable present moments.
Some of it is very motivating such as planning my end of university and career move abroad. Others can be dysfunctional-- such as envisioning a better life with him once x&y&z happen.

I agree that it's silly to be hard on myself for missing him, and relating it to a death makes alot of sense for me.  I'm just trying to keep it rooted in reality.
Realizing the relationship is dead is a big hurdle for me, since I always wanted to race in and do CPR, even if he had a do-not-resuscitate clearly on his face. I couldn't and maybe  more accurately didn't want to see that.

Thank you also Tina, your kind words are always so helpful. I am feeling more sturdy since i saw my family and now that I'm back home with mom I can focus on getting a routine going.

 Mom mentioned how I was "Newly Single"  to a friend of hers whose son is my age. And I get where she's coming from, but I don't think I can handle a relationship right now. I'm too broken hearted and need to focus on finishing uni.
And besides, I don't even know how real relationships and dating works, I've only been with my ex (since teenage till now), so my experience is limited and not very good.
I know I'm not ready to move on, I know I want to- i want someone who loves me and treats me well
But I just feel like I'd screw it up if I jumped into anything before I get some of my crap sorted out.

Oh well that's a bridge to cross later

Look what you want is definitely not unreasonable. Its totally relatable and understandable, however...

How about you focus on loving you and treating yourself first and foremost. That needs to always be priority #1 and then everything else will fall into place.

Also, never feel pressured into having to date and be with anyone. Again, I advocate for making sure you are happy and pleased with yourself first and let others know hey when I'm ready I'll put myself out there, but until then please respect that I need to work some things out.

Keep your head up...you will get through this and you will find happiness and success. 

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-