My first post on the 'Staying' Board

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Everyone on 'Staying',

I have finally graduated to the 'Staying' board after time on 'Undecided' and then on 'Leaving'.

My BPDxbf and I have been merrily recycling for the last 5 months, having split 6 times in total. The last b/u lasted just over 6 weeks. During this time, I have spent a great deal of time reflecting on what has been happening between us, the part I have played in the proceedings, how I feel about him and how I feel about my life. I finally emailed him last weekend to ask if we can 'salvage' something and that's what we are going to try to do. We are going to meet for coffee in a couple of days and see where we go from there.

I'm not overly optimistic that we can salvage something because we have been triggering each other's pain in a really big way. It has been really painful for us both. However, I have realised that I regret just walking away without even trying to learn the techniques that might help us to turn the situation around. I used HIS behaviour to justify my decision to walk away, but I think it was mostly to do with MY OWN need to run. This is particularly significant because I really do feel that my BPDxbf is the one intended for me. It isn't just need, though I am needy. It isn't just that I am frightened of being alone, though I am frightened of being alone. I actually love HIM and it's important that it is HIM. He isn't just fulfilling a function is my life. He is not replaceable.

Though I have a diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome, I have wondered if I also have BPD due to my tendency to engage in push-pull and testing behaviours. So, I did the online Personality Disorder Questionnaire. I came out highest on Avoidant PD followed by Dependent PD. Having traits of each of these PDs fits with my behaviour. I have spent a great deal of time feeling anxious about my relationship, obsessing about 'ending it' or feeling like I desperately need to 'run away'. I am always scared: scared to contact him because I believe he doesn't really want to hear from me; scared I'm not interesting enough; scared he'll realise I'm just an empty shell of a person and there's nothing to me and leave; scared he'll leave me when he gets to know what I'm really like; scared he doesn't really love me; scared that he does; scared of not being in control; scared of him making demands of me; scared of falling short; scared of disappointing him; scared that he will eventually find a better looking woman and leave her for me; scared he'll start to exhibit some of the physical violence/acting out he exhibited in a previous relationship before he began therapy... .The list could go on. I have so much fear of intimacy. I like to pray, but I began to realise that whereas prayer used to come easily to me and I would chat to God just like I'd chat to my friends, it had got to a point where I couldn't pray anymore. I said a quick prayer: "Why can't I pray anymore?" and I felt God say: "It's because you love me." I think the same thing happened with my BPDxbf. I couldn't be near him because I loved him. I know this is all ludicrous, but it's making me really sad. I want to be able to sustain an intimate relationship. So much of what went wrong with my BPDxbf went wrong because I wanted an excuse to 'get out' because I just couldn't stand the heat any longer.

I need to learn skills on this Board, but I also need to learn to stop running and deal with my fears, because I have been destroying the very thing that I most value in my life and causing my BPDxbf unnecessary pain. It's not all his fault. I want to stop blaming him for it all and take responsibility for doing my bit. He once said to me that it was our similar backgrounds that made our relationship so challenging, but it is our mutual devotion that gets us through. There must be something worth preserving between us for him to say that.

Lifewriter

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

Lifewriter16,

you know where the LESSONS are so I won't tell you.

I think it is brave that you commit yourself - for the time being - on taking on a staying attitude and work on yourself and the relationship. Whether this works out or not nobody can tell you but as long as you don't cling too much at the outcome and do the work you will definitely get better and the relationship likely too.

Is your bf diagnosed and/or in therapy?

You wrote that you trigger each other a lot. Boundaries often help a lot to create a stronger sense of self and separateness and reduce the tendency to get triggered. What boundaries do you have in place?

Again welcome on the Staying Board,

a0

[Lifewriter16]

My BPDbf is diagnosed. He has 6 months DBT and 2 years Schema Therapy behind him, but his Schema group ended in March and he has no current support. The transition to having no support has always been a worry for me given that I don't know what I'm doing. I tried on a number of occasions to make an arrangement for me to meet his therapist. He always said he would do that for me, yet it never happened. I think that's because he wanted his therapist to see his progress and not his struggles.

I am still waiting to hear about AS specific therapy for myself. It could be either just around the corner or I could be back to square one.

The only boundary we have in place is that I won't lend him money under any circumstances. We had a b/u triggered by him testing that boundary. The other boundary I tried to put in place was around how frequently I would respond to his texts. Him trying to breach that boundary caused our last b/u. Boundary setting and busting seem to be a big issue for us. We did both share things that we each do that make us happy or sad, but they aren't really boundaries, more suggestions. I don't know what boundaries I need to set or even how to go about it. So far, it seems that when I assert my needs, everything goes wrong.

Lifewriter

[an0ught]

The only boundary we have in place is that I won't lend him money under any circumstances. We had a b/u triggered by him testing that boundary. The other boundary I tried to put in place was around how frequently I would respond to his texts. Him trying to breach that boundary caused our last b/u. Boundary setting and busting seem to be a big issue for us. We did both share things that we each do that make us happy or sad, but they aren't really boundaries, more suggestions. I don't know what boundaries I need to set or even how to go about it. So far, it seems that when I assert my needs, everything goes wrong.

Sounds like you are on a good track. Consistency is critical with boundaries so stick to them. The first ones are being tested and blowups are expected. These are just normal extinction bursts which tend to get smaller over time.

Financial boundary makes very much sense and is an excellent move  . The frequency boundary is also very, very valuable as it decreases his sense of control of you and it increase your peace of mind. Remember this takes time and when he is calmer he should get that some boundaries/protection/privacy is healthy - and if he is not then that is his problem, no need to make excuses.