Mother w/ BPD Managing Triggers w/ Brother in Denial Coming to Visit

[ciaocaramia]

My mother is undiagnosed BPD. My counselors over the years have told me they believe she has it. In 2010 I went NC and only now able to be LC for the sake of the unity of the whole family to allow them the time and space to see when they want/can see for themselves. I've tried over the years to explain and defend my position and it has only caused me more pain and isolation. And I don't believe most of my communications back in the beginning times of desperation and grief were fair to them. The weight of the things I said were far too difficult for them to accept about my mom and themselves. They ended up blaming me for being the crazy one and being glad I was shut out of their lives for the most part. This nearly killed me. I've lived the last 7 years trying to convince myself that I am not crazy and what I did was appropriate to protect myself from abuse. At the time I had no other people in my life who had faced anything like this. Finding my confidence in myself and my decisions has been elusive; some days feeling free and other days feeling extremely alone and "bad", especially since I have been trained in my brain all these years for finding fault in myself.

Flash forward 7 years later to today. It is still a slippery slope. Counseling never seems to end. Yet, I am just now working with my counseling to accept my reality, myself, the people in my life and stop trying to change any of it, but try to find my own new life. I think I've held on to this thing with my family that never changes out of hope it will change, that some day I'll be exonerated. I'm looking to the abusers and the ones in denial to do this for me. This I intellectually know.

Before, visiting with family and having them mention my mom or straight out tell me to get over it and move on, just try to be nice for the family, do it for us... .would trigger me and send me into a two day tail spin of PTSD like symptoms. It would flip my reality upside down, cause me to lose my contact with any amount of compassion for myself, and my mind would tell me that I am a horrible person. The pain of it all could only compare to being taken hostage in a torture chamber. Eventually, when I could see that I am not trapped and I could rationalize again that there is verifiable reason to believe she and my family are not healthy and therefore I have a human right to protect myself and I am worthy of love, I could walk out of the thought process and regain control of my reactions, my peace, and my ability to engage life.

So, my brother is coming tomorrow with his wife and kids. I have learned that he is her chief enabler and plays the rescuer for her and the hero in our family. To do so he exhibits no vulnerability and a happy, passive aggressive, disposition even if my mom is brought up. He brings her up often to passive aggressively exhibit control and to dispute my beliefs about her and his involvement with her and his kids in her life. (They live 5 miles from each other and she is their baby sitter). It is as if my very existence and my choices for life challenge him without me having to say anything so he typically goes on defense in a "look at me I'm fine", "I'm strong", "the family is great" kind of way. Yet, he will never ever validate or even consider anything I've ever gone through. He won't ask me about it. He won't say "Wow it must have been hard feel like you had to make a decision that has left you without a mother."

As he will arrive in 24 hours now, I am looking for validation that I am not alone in this struggle. I think this defuses my triggers some to know that I am not alone and that there are others like me. That I was not soo crazy that I invented and inflicted all this on myself and others. What is helping me prepare is the facts. The fact is that I do not have one single memory in my entire life of my mom saying a single word of encouragement to me. She only told me all the reasons to consider why the people, God, partners, jobs, may not be good for me and all the reasons why they were unhealthy. Oh, by the way, my brother does this too. He is constantly pointing out flaws in environments and situations. It is the only topic of conversation. Flaws and how they think they should be fixed. Having light conversations about our immediate surroundings don't happen. Everything is in the head.

What makes me the MOST uncomfortable is the way my brother uses his children. They are the validation he needs that HE is ok. They are "perfect". They speak perfect Spanish going to a private spanish school which makes his kids uber unique and have an edge over other kids. The house is meticulously clean at all times. He sleep trains them perfectly. They eat only organic food and they don't eat until they "listen to their body" and decide if they are hungry. The list goes on. Then with my BPD mother, he lets my mom use them to make HER feel normal. Her daughter (me) says she was a "horrible parent" and "mentally ill" so look how AMAZING she is with the grandkids. She must be wrong. My brother even just named his third born little boy after her husband, our step father. He has no children of his own so they wanted him to have one so to speak. This will be the first time I meet this little boy. When I heard what his name was going to be it was if a light bulb went off for me. It made me see exactly how entrenched my brother has become in being the hero and enabler for my mom. He would go to the lengths of giving her his son... .his children... .to help her emotional state and her loveless marriage. (she used to tell me she has no love for her husband who is also suspected to have aspergers) My brother has provided the glue, the connection, the validation for their lives and their marriage through his children. AND being the mediator he has made me the kids God-parent in his will. I get them if he dies. This just tells me that he is doing all he can to appease mom out of his own grief and false responsibility while somewhere deep inside he knows I'm safe, I'm right, and I'm his kids best shot at a healthy life if he ever passes.

I'm nervous about my visit with them. I am praying for serenity and the wisdom of my Higher Power to know and be able to navigate this weekend. I am praying for protection against triggers when they come. Not if, when. I am praying for this next 24 hours to be a time where I am able to rehearse reactions so I don't have to be blindsided and to stop the three day fight for my LIFE recovering from PTSD response.

I guess the underlying issue of it all is, I love my brother more than words could ever say. We siblings have the memories of the past when they were innocent children. We siblings know who they are inside before all the false self started covering that vulnerable free inner child up. I remember laying in bed with him in the middle of the night and laughing for hours and hours while our parents fought downstairs. We used to play every day in the woods and the creek. We were each other's only friend. My mother's illness stole this from me and I miss him. Every day I wish for him to come back. So, even though he will be with me in person the next few days, it will very likely not be "him". It will be the sick version of him and it will be so painful to see. I pray for the grace to be able to enjoy the moments I do have and "let go and let god" take care of the rest.

Thanks for letting me share.

Anyone else have experiences like this? Hearing your stories makes me feel validated.

[LittleBlueTruck]

Wow, certain points of your story REALLY ring true with me.

I also experienced a period of time where I came out of he fog and realized something was deeply wrong with my mother but my closest brother didn't see it the same way. The thing is, if she is behaving differently towards him, he really WONT see it until he personally gets a glimpse of what you go through.

My advice? Drop it with him. Don't talk to him about it and try not to have any expectations about the visit. The more strident you are trying to convince him something is wrong with her, the more he's going to resist. So take away the conflict. When he talks about how great mom is, tell him you're so happy their relationship works for them and the grandkids. Don't mention your own suffering. If he takes it a step further to question your choices or tries to sell you on how great mom is, just firmly say you have had a different experience and just like you will work on respecting that their relationship is different, he needs to respect that you don't have the same relationship he does.

Sometimes we get so used to fighting against someone that when the conflict is removed suddenly, it can throw the other person off just enough to allow a different worldview to sink in.

YOU have the power to demonstrate her sickness by contrasts. Keep loving your life, be reasonable in your reactions, respectful of their relationship and conservative in your expectations. This will leave a lasting impression with him and he won't be able to help comparing your conduct to hers when he sees her next.

Be brutally honest about your own shortcomings and contributions to the conflict. Be honest with him and yourself!

Good luck! Focus on the joy of the children and THANK GOD they are thriving despite what sounds like having a very challenging grandmother. Even if your brother is a little obnoxious about it, it's wonderful that the children are doing well when the alternative is them being hurt. No amount of your personal vindication is worth their harm!