for me, like everyone else, this site was an absolute godsend.
i dont think its an accident that i found it, though i found it by accident. my ex was diagnosed bipolar. so throughout the relationship, i attributed any and every 'crazy' thing to bipolar. in a lot of ways, that kept me safe, from ever being confused, thinking it was me, having my self esteem battered, etc.
when the (seemingly) sudden breakup happened, and she jumped in a new relationship, i was beside myself, and a basket case. not even so much due to the breakup, or her new relationship, but utter confusion, surreality/unreality, the traumatic nature of it all, and that everything about this went against my nature or what i understood to be normal. in other words, i always knew my ex was crazy. but i'd apparently underestimated the extent of crazy.
when some particularly crazy behaviors started happening in the aftermath (stealing, invading my email) my mother and i were googling various things about bipolar. my mother happened to abbreviate "BPD" (bipolar disorder). i can't recall what led us to even read about it. maybe we landed on a site that said "BPD" and we assumed they were discussing bipolar. i had heard of borderline personality disorder, but knew nothing about it. for whatever reason, we gave it enough attention for our eyebrows to begin to raise. this sounded a LOT like my ex. now granted, at this point, i was only reading lists of symptoms, but she had all but one, that i knew of. no real history of suicidal behavior. but a few things i could maybe consider "self harm".
things were starting to make a little more sense. and then we wound up on this site. and that opened up my entire world. i think i read the resource articles, things like "could it be borderline personality disorder", "surviving a breakup with a pwBPD" and, in particular, the evolution stages of a borderline relationship.
" " to say the least. this had everything entirely broken down. i instantly added up so much. i was amazed, and still am, that far beyond just a list of symptoms and some particular behaviors, there are thousands of people who had my relationship, and could tell me all about it.
i continued reading, as did my mom. my mom discovered the message board, and started reading. as she read, i only became more certain. i remember she saw a thread entitled something like "the way they move on so fast is soul shattering". that night or maybe the next, i typed up my story, and i wound up having to continue it in 3 replies
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i was particularly amazed that everyone on this board seemed so... .insightful, compassionate, intelligent, and supportive. you dont get that out of a lot of internet forums.
i checked off every box, because they were all equal reasons for me. during all this, i practically had no one but my mother. i never left this site. i read every thread. replied to every thread. all day long, and all night long, and certainly well into the morning. started posting at least weekly, mostly on my status/progress. truthfully, this disorder sunk in for me very quickly. i didn't have a lot of questions left. thats partially because as soon as i learned about BPD, i realized i had likely been with 3 others before this one. i had done more than enough comparing all of my exes, and trying to add seemingly silly things and coincidences up. to learn about BPD was the biggest breath of fresh air i've ever had. no. they weren't coincidences. even down to the fact that my previous two exes got mysteriously sick right before turning overnight distant and breaking up with me. how could such a thing NOT be a coincidence? well, welcomed to the world of BPD, i was. anniversary breakups were explained. my ex jumping in a new relationship was explained. i knew she had a hard time with being alone. now i knew. she REALLY. COULD NOT. be alone. mysterious ailments, being traceable to waxing and waning of my attentions. yeah, i could count them. i knew i was in the right place.
yeah, it made me feel good to help others. but it also boosted my confidence and self esteem, and reminded me of who i am. im pretty good at this stuff. i've always had a natural feel for psychology. i've always been the one people came to. and i had a fair amount of experience with different kinds of BPD. i would have others tell me they printed out things i'd said. of course that made me feel good. i would be embarrassed now, reading my old posts, knowing how naive im certain i sounded in the beginning. im afraid i tended to believe there was more hope than there appears to be. but i came to learn from others. most here have such a high level of empathy. whenever i had a pity party, i did get quick, positive, encouraging, insightful, and helpful responses. i felt like strangers were genuinely concerned for me. i always got good feedback from my comments. it sounds silly, but in a lot of ways, even though its an internet forum, it gave me an idea of how my personality interacts with others, and reminded me that people generally tend to like me. in many ways, i also found, when i was writing to/comforting others, i was talking to myself. i'd find myself saying things that i didn't consciously realize i thought, or, levels of acceptance i hadn't realized i'd reached.
and of course, i learned things about myself that i never imagined. and that says a lot, because im an introvert... .and i've spent YEARS getting to better know myself. this whole thing shined a light on things my mind couldn't comprehend. i've learned that thoughts, all thoughts, actually COME from somewhere, and can be traced. and sometimes, they can even be disguised. i would follow every troubled thought like a string, and see where it was coming from. i've realized the mistakes i've made in relationships. i've unfortunately realized i've never had a normal relationship. though im fairly confident i know what normal is, and would do fine in one, now i have to wonder. i realized i was shrugging off, and somewhat intimidated by normal, happy, healthy girls. i've tried to recognize my attraction as crazy as a BAD feeling. it may not ever go away, and thats fine, but i'll be damned if i get myself into this again. and all of this terminology. i feel like im now equipped with things most aren't.
so again, this site, and all of its members are a genuine godsend. i dont know what would have happened to me had i not learned about this disorder, and found this board. im eternally thankful. and i like to think i wont ever completely leave. it breaks my heart that every day, there are hundreds, if not thousands of people that are victims of this disorder. i wish i could cure BPD, but i can't, so i choose to follow behind it, cleaning up after it.
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