cheating and splitting revisited

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Looking at xBFBPDs family history in the context of our own break-up made me realize alot about the disorder

My BPD literally adored me as long as I believed in him and in large part was enabling his substance abusing behavior

But at some point I too realized that something was very wrong with him.

This sent me on the path to understanding and trying to get him help. It also was what sent him to splitting me black. Suddenly

as with his ex-wife, boss, etc... I was a bad bad person out to get him so he actually believed he needed someone to once again say he was wonderful, etc... Ofcourse was he NEEDED was someone who DID NOT KNOW what was wrong with him.

In looking at his dad, uncle and grandfather each one divorced several times. In the end the women they ended up with

basically stole all the money they had in all probablity hating the BPDs but basically lying for profit.

So here is the game

BPD meets a non, they idolize us and we fall in love

at some point the behavior become outrageous and we all know there is something wrong with them

at that point BPDs split us black and move on to other people ultimately finding someone who

generally makes believe they dont know for ulterior gain (in this case money)

In other words the disease is transparent even though BPDs expend tremendous energy trying to hide it

ultimately everyone else knows anyhow.

But because they  see themselves as defective their primary defense is denial -hence splitting, hence cheating

For them there really is no way out.

[sosadandone]

Looking at xBFBPDs family history in the context of our own break-up made me realize alot about the disorder

My BPD literally adored me as long as I believed in him and in large part was enabling his substance abusing behavior

But at some point I too realized that something was very wrong with him.

This sent me on the path to understanding and trying to get him help. It also was what sent him to splitting me black. Suddenly

as with his ex-wife, boss, etc... I was a bad bad person out to get him so he actually believed he needed someone to once again say he was wonderful, etc... Ofcourse was he NEEDED was someone who DID NOT KNOW what was wrong with him.

In looking at his dad, uncle and grandfather each one divorced several times. In the end the women they ended up with

basically stole all the money they had in all probablity hating the BPDs but basically lying for profit.

So here is the game

BPD meets a non, they idolize us and we fall in love

at some point the behavior become outrageous and we all know there is something wrong with them

at that point BPDs split us black and move on to other people ultimately finding someone who

generally makes believe they dont know for ulterior gain (in this case money)

In other words the disease is transparent even though BPDs expend tremendous energy trying to hide it

ultimately everyone else knows anyhow.

But because they  see themselves as defective their primary defense is denial -hence splitting, hence cheating

For them there really is no way out.

[solluna]

Perfect description. It took me years to realize my stbExHu's previous fiance was probably not the horror show he described her as... .because he was describing me as just as bad! At first I thought he was the greatest guy on earth... .once I figured it all out he was moving on to another.

[gentleman66]

Wow. You could have not summarized what I went through the last six years any better. bravo!

In other words the disease is transparent even though BPDs expend tremendous energy trying to hide it

ultimately everyone else knows anyhow.

But because they  see themselves as defective their primary defense is denial -hence splitting, hence cheating

For them there really is no way out.

[TCarlisle]

Out of probably 50 useless sessions of marital counseling, there were probably about 3 moments where it was worth the time and money spent. One of those moments was when my then wife admitted to the counselor that all her past boyfriends, she got it in her head they were cheating on her, so she cheated on them. The counselor asked ":)id they actually cheat on you?" Her response was, "No, but it didn't matter as long as I thought they did." That was probably one honest peek into the mind of a BPD, for just those few moments I believe she was actually telling the truth.

[solluna]

That says it all - to the BPD emotions and thoughts are real. And even emotions and thoughts they project onto you are real. We all struggle so long to reason with them, but it is no use because they are thinking in a totally different world of reality from the rest of us.

[Slo_Learner]

I think my xwf was the same. She used to accuse me of affairs if I merely 20 mins late home or if someone text me. She used to tell me she was going to have sex with someone to teach me a lesson... .but sometimes she would tell me that she knew I had never strayed and she knew I never would... .so why did she have two different thought patterns?

Its sad because its the only woman I have been with that the thought of someone else never even entered my head... .

But these people are ill and dont need a reason to blame us - I am sure they are cheaters who just need a good excuse.

[gentleman66]

That is quite true. I was accused of this all the time. This comes from their lack of self-esteem and absence of object constancy.

The counselor asked ":)id they actually cheat on you?" Her response was, "No, but it didn't matter as long as I thought they did." That was probably one honest peek into the mind of a BPD, for just those few moments I believe she was actually telling the truth.

[seektruth]

sosadandone - You have hit the nail on the head  .  In December of last year, my exBPDbf violently attacked me.  I had to call in "sick" to work for a week to recover.  I was left with a swollen lip, a black eye, and multiple (severe) bruises on my body, and he was left with a broken hand.  I regretfully (my only regret) did not call the cops and ended up forgiving him.  Well, the first few days he was great - helpful, gave me bathes, fed me - but of course I was still being very apprehensive about the entire situation and a part of me couldn't help but think he was a total psychopath.  Well not even a week later he met someone and had her believing that he was Mr. Wonderful.  This was basically the last straw - I mean how sick is someone who still has a broken hand from beating their girlfriend and then go pretend to be the greatest guy on earth with another woman?  For all I know, he probably made himself to be the victim of violence and probably told her I broke his hand - projection is what he does best. I knew immediately why he met a woman from a foreign country (nonetheless) who had NO IDEA who he was and he could feel 'safe' with as she lives half way around the world.  He NEEDED someone to think he was wonderful and of course he would - I mean imagine how crappy you must feel about yourself after doing something like that.  Sadly, the ONLY way he knows how to cope is to have another woman thinks he's the greatest thing since sliced bread.  When in REALITY, he is nothing more than the crumbs at the bottom of a toaster. 

[love4meNOTu]

Perfect description. It took me years to realize my stbExHu's previous fiance was probably not the horror show he described her as... .because he was describing me as just as bad! At first I thought he was the greatest guy on earth... .once I figured it all out he was moving on to another.

Wanted to bump this thread from the past... .I think it is very relevant for all of us.

I almost wish I knew what my x was saying about me, it would be a good laugh to see how I compared to his previous x who was supposedly the spawn of the devil. Not sure if the devil has more than one kid tho. 

[lonelyh1]

I suspect my uBPDw is planning on cheating on me.  She is priming me for the time when she wants to go out of town. And will not let me come with her.  There is always a valid excuse.

I one will not admit anything.  She told me directly she will never tell me if she has an affair. 

I finally realised than my uBPDw ex finance was probably not as bad as she made him.  I think she goading him into many of the things that happened.  I know she does that to me very effectively.  Once I react, she feels she can do anything and that it is justified.

Tired of this game for 10 years.  i want to move on. I want a normal relationship.  With no hate. Fighting I can deal with, cheating not so much