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Author Topic: Is it possible to be painted black and they still miss you?  (Read 1292 times)
lm911
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« on: August 24, 2014, 10:24:18 AM »

I have been painted black since we broke up 8 months ago, we have been in no contact for 2 months, but we accidentally bumped into each other 2 times and she didn't even look at me. I know from people that she misses me. Is this possible, or nobody can't tell what happens in a borderline's head?
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Recooperating
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« Reply #1 on: August 24, 2014, 11:04:20 AM »

This is gonna sound really harsh... .Sorry... .

Her feelings shouldnt be your concern anymore. What would it matter if she misses you or not? The only feelings you should consider are your own! Take care of you and your process and forget what she is feeling, doing, experiencing... .Focus on you, heal and get well!

What happens in a borderline head? I would like to think that my exBPD misses me, but he could just be missing the attention I gave him, the validation he needed so bad. For my own ego I'd like to think he's as crushed as I am, but honestly... .I think he's on top of his next potential gf. I'm not gonna let it get to me, it will drive me nuts!

I have faced the undeniable truth, he didnt LOVE like I did... .He NEEDED... .

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Bak86
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« Reply #2 on: August 24, 2014, 11:06:55 AM »

They don't miss YOU. They miss the attention that you were giving them. That's another story.
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Caredverymuch
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« Reply #3 on: August 24, 2014, 11:37:22 AM »

I have been painted black since we broke up 8 months ago, we have been in no contact for 2 months, but we accidentally bumped into each other 2 times and she didn't even look at me. I know from people that she misses me. Is this possible, or nobody can't tell what happens in a borderline's head?

Hello lm911,

This is one of the most frequent questions we hear and of course, something even I continue to ask myself. I have been split black for a year now. I am NC and do not take any baiting attempts.  And I miss the person I loved but not the disorder and all it has done to hurt me.

They act like we are strangers when they see us during the split black bc they are protecting themselves. A hard thing to understand. They are in a schema mode called the Detached Protector.  Bc we got too close to them in a loving way, one which they cannot accept or truly believe in, they throw us away and move on often before we can ( falsely perceived) do so to them.

They dissociate us and put parts of our memory to them away. Then they convince themselves that we are the bad. Bc our presence made their disorder triggered. So, although none of this makes sense to a non disordered heart or mind, it makes sense to them. To protect them from shame. This is how they exist.

I believe that my expBPD occasionally misses me but never the way I missed him. Once the splitting begins it changes a great deal of how they think of us.


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enlighten me
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« Reply #4 on: August 24, 2014, 12:01:28 PM »

As CVM has stated when they meet us face to face it triggers them.

I have noticed with both my uBPD exs is that they can communicate fairly well via text or messaging but once they are faced with you then it triggers them. The feelings of guilt/ shame/ remorse or whatever it is come to the surface and the only way for them to handle them is to project it.

With my ex wife I am now painted white. She says how much she misses me and how I was her best friend. I put up with this for the sake of our sons and also because a twisted part of me enjoys the fact that it winds up her new husband how nice I am.
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RisingSun
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« Reply #5 on: August 24, 2014, 12:37:03 PM »

This is one of the most frequent questions we hear and of course, something even I continue to ask myself. I have been split black for a year now. I am NC and do not take any baiting attempts.  And I miss the person I loved but not the disorder and all it has done to hurt me.

They act like we are strangers when they see us during the split black bc they are protecting themselves. A hard thing to understand. They are in a schema mode called the Detached Protector.  Bc we got too close to them in a loving way, one which they cannot accept or truly believe in, they throw us away and move on often before we can ( falsely perceived) do so to them.

They dissociate us and put parts of our memory to them away. Then they convince themselves that we are the bad. Bc our presence made their disorder triggered. So, although none of this makes sense to a non disordered heart or mind, it makes sense to them. To protect them from shame. This is how they exist.

I believe that my expBPD occasionally misses me but never the way I missed him. Once the splitting begins it changes a great deal of how they think of us.

Thanks, I needed to hear this. You hit the nail on the head.
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Loveofhislife
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« Reply #6 on: August 24, 2014, 01:04:39 PM »

CVM and Recooperating: thanks, I needed that. The one time since being split black that I faced him, he looked terrified and very angry: like a different person: detached protector. Yes, and quite creepy. The way I have dealt with his denial (because I have legal and financial matters unresolved with him) is sending back screenshots of his texts to me over the past year... .protestations of being his best friend, an angel, a savior, etc. etc. I get it; he's shamed. He has good reason to be, and I'm trying to balance the healing and letting go with a sense of justice. I'm CERTAIN he misses the FUNCTION of me (and the benefits), but he does NOT miss me. Prior to the SILENT TREATMENT, I asked him, ":)O YOU LOVE ME? DID YOU EVER LOVE ME?" He uncomfortably paused, and said, "Well, I think we have fun together." UGH!  This is the same man who has proclaimed his unrequited love for me for an entire year while the other two schemes were attached on either my hip or my breast or my pocket book!
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Caredverymuch
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« Reply #7 on: August 24, 2014, 01:09:23 PM »

This is one of the most frequent questions we hear and of course, something even I continue to ask myself. I have been split black for a year now. I am NC and do not take any baiting attempts.  And I miss the person I loved but not the disorder and all it has done to hurt me.

They act like we are strangers when they see us during the split black bc they are protecting themselves. A hard thing to understand. They are in a schema mode called the Detached Protector.  Bc we got too close to them in a loving way, one which they cannot accept or truly believe in, they throw us away and move on often before we can ( falsely perceived) do so to them.

They dissociate us and put parts of our memory to them away. Then they convince themselves that we are the bad. Bc our presence made their disorder triggered. So, although none of this makes sense to a non disordered heart or mind, it makes sense to them. To protect them from shame. This is how they exist.

I believe that my expBPD occasionally misses me but never the way I missed him. Once the splitting begins it changes a great deal of how they think of us.

Thanks, I needed to hear this. You hit the nail on the head.

Risingsun you are dealing with a lot and your posts reveal a great deal of your work to understand so much which makes no logical sense.  Only disordered sense.  Keep posting and gathering up the support so abundant here.  And remember, nothing you did or did not do could change the outcome.  Its a disorder that exists to deny itself. And, to me, one of the most horrific bc of the completely undeserved, shameful, deeply cutting  collateral damage it implodes on the hearts of such truly loving and such truly caring others. .

You are with friends now who understand 
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topknot
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« Reply #8 on: August 25, 2014, 09:43:05 PM »

Always love reading your posts, Caredverymuch.  Thank you for all your wonderful insight 
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goingtostopthis
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« Reply #9 on: August 25, 2014, 11:38:53 PM »

CVM and Recooperating: thanks, I needed that. The one time since being split black that I faced him, he looked terrified and very angry: like a different person: detached protector. Yes, and quite creepy. The way I have dealt with his denial (because I have legal and financial matters unresolved with him) is sending back screenshots of his texts to me over the past year... .protestations of being his best friend, an angel, a savior, etc. etc. I get it; he's shamed. He has good reason to be, and I'm trying to balance the healing and letting go with a sense of justice. I'm CERTAIN he misses the FUNCTION of me (and the benefits), but he does NOT miss me. Prior to the SILENT TREATMENT, I asked him, ":)O YOU LOVE ME? DID YOU EVER LOVE ME?" He uncomfortably paused, and said, "Well, I think we have fun together." UGH!  This is the same man who has proclaimed his unrequited love for me for an entire year while the other two schemes were attached on either my hip or my breast or my pocket book!

They are like empty vessels, no body is in there.  I sometimes think they make comments like that, not so much because they really feel them, but more on them making sure to themselves to come across on the mean dry side of things.  It make them feel safer to protect what self image they had of themselves that never existed.  It keeps  them feeling in control and to make sure you are slightest from them in one way or another. They are a one up one ship, I believe its all ways about control.
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.cup.car
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« Reply #10 on: August 25, 2014, 11:51:43 PM »

My ex offered some insight to this. Quoted from her after she had painted me black and we hadn't talked in a year:

"You never did something wrong. I just didn't want to be reminded about the fact that I'm messed up. I was trying to forget about you, so I wouldn't have to remember what being messed up made me lose. I never really stopped thinking about you."

Make of that what you will. I got variations of this speech on three separate occasions, all of them usually an entire year after she'd told me to **** off and that she was a lesbian and didn't date guys (lel). My interpretation is that BPD primarily ruled her coping skills. It was easier for her to run away and/or lie about her problems than confront them. If I caught her in a lie and gave her no way out, the most I could get out of her was "I was being stupid, I'm sorry." This won't suffice after like the third or fourth fight because the only time it's acceptable to act like a five year old is when you're five years old.

Now that you know this, in the future, have fun deciphering between her being legitimately mad at you, and her being at the mercy of her disorder. You will never be right.
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Tolou
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« Reply #11 on: August 26, 2014, 12:42:14 AM »

Maybe, maybe not depending on the person?

I think it is possible for them miss a person, especially one who caring and loving, why not?  But there was some good insight here, that it is actually the supply that is being missed, the attention and the void you once filled, that again feels empty, even though you endlessly poured into that whole?

Best advice like a previous poster is, if you are truely seeking to heal and get better, concerning yourself with what someone else is thinking or feeling, probably isn't very helpful.  In all actuality, regardless of what we read or know about anyones "diagnosis or label" I don't believe it is rational to assume what someone else thinks or feels, disordered or not.

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lm911
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« Reply #12 on: August 26, 2014, 02:09:44 AM »

So I am thinking that they miss the attention, yet it is still some type of a missing. For sure we are not the cause for their deep issues, but we triggered them, so they paint us black and try to forget everything good. Eventually at some point they may need us and contact us, but they won't call us only because they miss us and to hear from us. They are too proud to do it.
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Visitor
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« Reply #13 on: August 26, 2014, 02:38:34 AM »

I was painted black. She then got with another guy and surprise surprise it didn't work out very well   

I heard from her after that. This recycle completely bombed of course and I have now been painted black again.

Another poster hear hit the nail on the head. Who cares what other people are thinking. Just work on you.

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