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Author Topic: Adult Child w/ BPD - moved in with me  (Read 207 times)
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« on: October 30, 2018, 08:58:11 PM »


I am happy to have found this forum, and to discover what BPD actually IS: for decades the family has walked on eggshells around my daughter (33, with a 12-year-old son), been subjected to her irrational, sometimes paranoid, frequent rages and all-too-frequent nasty moods.

Well, she found herself in a bad spot this past summer, and with increasing paranoia and blaming a 'stalking neighbor' for it all; so to make a long story short, I offered her and her son a place to live after she could find no other place to rent.

This was in June. At first, everything was fine, and I was foolishly hoping that our relationship would have a chance to grow and it would be a positive thing. That hope ended when she got a job, and then lost it after spending literally every night after work, (sometimes all night) and weekends drinking/getting drunk with the new crew of people, and shortly thereafter sleeping with one of them. Her attitude and behavior towards me (her mother, aged 60) immediately changed to all the worst examples of BPD manifestations, and to boot we have to watch her rant and swear at her twelve year old son, who is a really, good, smart kid (but he is so sick of it, himself.)

I am now trapped in a classic grandparent position; we're good for the son, he loves us, we love him and he loves living here, the school, etc - but now it's tolerating my daughter with gritted teeth on his behalf, for his well-being, and trying to be invisible in my own house so as not to 'set her  off.' Even a hello can do it. The household is fine and happy when she isn't around.

It is literally impossible to talk to her. One simple sentence or question usually leads to a massive angry rant, with her projecting onto me all her own awful behaviors, telling me what I think, assigning motives to me that have never crossed my mind, etc etc etc. It's mind-boggling to see her in a full rant; the irrationality and bizarre accusations are ... .I just don't know what to say. It's just an impossible situation, but if I tell her to leave, my grandson is stuck with her with no other reasonable adults around. He's already talking about going to court to get away from her.

At wit's end. There is no hope of her getting help; people have suggested it as delicately as possible, for years, and she just accuses the person who says it of being crazy and needing help. Oh, and last  spring, she spent a week down here after what was probably almost a nervous breakdown, and admitted to me hlfway through the week that if it "hadn't worked out" staying with me, she was going to sign herself into a hospital because she had been contemplating suicide. Helping her that week now seems like a mistake; perhaps if she has signed herself in, she'd be  getting the help she needs by now.

I'm feeling helpless and also scared for her, and also angry and fed up. We were very close when she was young; it's when she hit puberty that she seemingly became a completely different person and a textbook case of BPD.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Hyacinth Bucket
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« Reply #1 on: October 30, 2018, 09:48:50 PM »

hi Samkat,

I'm so glad you found us. It sounds like you have been through so much with your daughter. There are several grandparents in the same/similar positions as you - BlueK9 and OnlyHuman come to mind immediately. BlueK9 has guardianship of her grandson, but her BPD daughter also lives with them. OnlyHuman currently lives with her daughter and grandson, and had to call CPS on her daughter. She has given her daughter 30 days notice to leave.

I hope that being in a place with people who understand and who are going through similar issues will bring you comfort and hope.

What a terrible spot to be in. Your grandson is lucky to have you. I'm not sure if you've ready any books yet, but one that I highly recommend is "Loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder." The book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" is also a good one. Through this site and maybe reading some books you will find ways to help ease the pain of speaking with your daughter.

Is she still drinking excessively? I found with my daughter that any substance abuse greatly exacerbates her BPD.

Welcome, we are glad you're here. Let us know how we can best support you.
Only Human
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Love is still the answer

« Reply #2 on: October 31, 2018, 08:56:42 AM »

Hello Samkat and welcome to BPD Family.

As Hyacinth Bucket said, you are not alone.

I don't have any words of wisdom, sorry. I can tell you, though, that posting here and reading here is helping me.

I know how hard it must be to watch your daughter mistreat your precious grandson.

I'm glad you found us and I'm so sorry for what you've gone through/are going through.

~ OH

"It's our god forsaken right to be loved, loved, loved, loved."
-Jason Mraz, I'm Yours
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« Reply #3 on: October 31, 2018, 09:18:14 AM »

Hi Samkat:

I have an almost 19 yr old who has had extreme BPD symptoms since early childhood, so I am well familiar with everything you've described.  She doesn't have children, and I can't imagine adding that layer to our situation, but I do know what you are describing well, and not only for your grandchild, but for you, living in those conditions is difficult and wore me down to a place where I couldn't function anymore.  I evicted my daughter, but I am still working on the relationship with her.  She just started therapy, but we both have a long way to go.  Living together with those symptoms, and no intervention, caused patterns of behavior between all of us to emerge, and some were very unhealthy. 

My husband and I are going to a therapist for DBT, as is our daughter.  I am also reading both of the books you were told about.  Have you sought a therapist who specializes in BPD?  I am wondering if they can make recommendations as to what you should do next in your situation, and how best to do it.

I would agree with your emotions about the struggle you are living with.  It's been a struggle for me, and even though my daughter isn't with us right now, I am often alarmed about what the future holds, and feel compelled to work on my understanding and skills to best continue to help her through her life.  It's hurtful.  I am hurting, and hurting for her, too. 

One other thing I wanted to mention.  My daughter would self medicate when she didn't have a doctor prescribing her meds.  She was in the hospital and got the meds she needed, and now that she takes them, for her anxiety, etc., she doesn't feel the need to go out and use street substances to achieve the desired effect.  It sounds like your daughter could look into this for herself?  Getting medication put a stop to the undesirable friends, because at the end of it all, she really didn't care for them, either... .they just shared her habits, which were born out of a need to reduce the things she was thinking/feeling... .trying to deal with.

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« Reply #4 on: October 31, 2018, 01:25:38 PM »

Thank you all for the warm welcome. I spent some time reading through this category last night, and saw what some of you are also dealing with.

Regarding substance abuse, my daughter has had a fondness for alcohol since she was a young adult; it seems to go in binges, depending on her circumstances and funds. I have known for years that it's probably a type of self-medication, but in the long run it only makes things worse, I'm sure - not to mention the frequent drinking and driving. She also smokes pot, and I don't have an issue with that, it seems to take the edge off, and I'd much rather that than alcohol. She's at her worst when she has no pot.

She was given some pretty hefty prescriptions before she moved in with us (went to doc for super-high stress), and they had her totally calmed down - but she doesn't take them; only the one for muscle spasms now and then. She has an innate distrust and suspicion of all pharmaceuticals (and perhaps even doctors), is much more likely to try something herbal, natural - that sort of thing. Which will make her getting proper help even more difficult, should it ever come to that, I think.

I am completely new to this, haven't read any books yet, and she of course doesn't have a proper diagnosis, but she is literally textbook, fitting every single description of BPN that I've read, from the thinking patterns to the behaviors, etc etc. My eldest daughter read the link I sent her, and was shocked at how perfectly it described her sister. We agonize over how to get her help, while at the same time, despairing that she will ever be open to getting help, as she thinks everyone else is the problem, not her.

She cannot sustain a relationship with a boyfriend for more than 1-3 months, but has lots of male 'friends.' She thinks she is too beautiful to hold down a job; she - in her words - "is a threat to other woman" and that's why she can't hold a job. She is cute, but she is by no means a supermodel; so this borders on -or is -delusion, but may stem from her molestation as a very young child by an older stepdaughter (I divorced after 4 years so that situation ended)... .another thing she has never gotten therapy for, and I only heard about years later when she was 18.

Ack, there is so much; I'm kind of rambling here, my apologies. There was a huge blowout last night, where she was going to move out, but her son refused to go, even telling me, in tears, to call the police if she forced him to go. He said if I didn't, he would. At age 12. !

She spent the night elsewhere, blew in here at 6:45 this morning, demanding that her son go to school (he's been sick for three days & she hadn't let him stay home) and he kept telling her he didn't feel good; she kept ranting that he wasn't sick enough to stay home. he resisted, she got angrier and angrier, and finally told him that she was taking his laptop so that he couldn't play games all day if he stayed home. She then ranted all through the house on her way out.

So that's where we are for today. All dreading her returning home. I guess my biggest fear is that this is all going to come to a head and Child Services is going to get involved. My grandson has a dad he can live with (he spends the summers with him, and most weekends before they moved here; she basically lives like a single 18-year-old with an afterthought son), although he'd prefer to stay here. But I worry that if that were to happen, it would push my daughter over the edge and perhaps even suicidal, especially after telling me so last year. She is riddled with anxiety, and I honestly don't know how she can even function with such massive, constant levels of stress.  Unlike some of the stuff I've been reading, she seems to be getting worse  over the years, not better.

As for us, my husband of 17 years is fantastic, brilliant, and weathers storms quite well; he seems to be the only person she has any respect for at all. Which is good; he can sometimes try to talk to her and while she will still rant, you can see her struggling to control herself with him. I, for better or worse, have a very, very long fuse, and while I can get extremely frustrated, it's  quite rare that I actually get genuinely angry. So it's not as if we have lots of arguments and fighting - almost everything is happening in her own head. If I say hello, I usually get no response, so I just go about my business. The times she explodes is if we MUST talk about something  - anything - as sometimes happens when you're living together. I usually get one sentence out and then all hell breaks loose. My husband -who is disabled -and I are usually upstairs (like, 22 out of 24 hours a day), and she pretty much has the entire downstairs to herself. I have realized, I think, and my eldest daughter agrees, that she isn't actually hearing me at all when I speak. She has a 'mom' she has created in her mind, with my face on it, that is a completely different person than I am, and that's who and what she is responding to  - not me. The 'mom' in her head is either wonderful (when she desperately needs something) or completely evil, and when she is in the 'mom is completely evil' mode, she assigns motives, meanings, intentions and things to me that have never crossed my mind; she changes everything I say into something else, etc etc. She literally tells me that what I say isn't what I think or mean. I guess you are all familiar with this behavior. It's impossible.


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« Reply #5 on: November 02, 2018, 09:28:39 PM »

hi Samkat and Welcome

She has an innate distrust and suspicion of all pharmaceuticals (and perhaps even doctors), is much more likely to try something herbal, natural - that sort of thing. Which will make her getting proper help even more difficult, should it ever come to that, I think.

i can relate there! i dont distrust pharmaceuticals (i sure know lots of people that do), but i have had plenty of negative side effects, and frankly, ive seen more results from supplements. what does she take?

I am completely new to this, haven't read any books yet, and she of course doesn't have a proper diagnosis, but she is literally textbook, fitting every single description of BPN that I've read, from the thinking patterns to the behaviors, etc etc.

that old adage "knowledge is power" never rang more true to me than when it came to dealing with this disorder. we have a section of great books (here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/book-reviews) and one thing that i can tell you is that the internet can be full of junk psychology and urban legends when it comes to this disorder, but accurate information and concrete tools can be invaluable.

Unlike some of the stuff I've been reading, she seems to be getting worse  over the years, not better.

it makes some sense. 33 is still relatively young, and it can be as trying, sometimes more, than ones 20s.

has she returned home?

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
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« Reply #6 on: November 03, 2018, 03:47:20 PM »

Hi Samkat! Wow, I could have written your post in so many ways.  Maybe family details (who is who in the family) would be different, but the BPD stuff... .textbook for what I've experienced, too. Also, waiting for them to come home... .ugh... .the waiting is the time I should cherish, because sometimes it's the best time I am going to have (sometimes... .there are other times when things go really well and we are all basically OK... .but when things aren't ok, it is horrible!).
I am going to be riding in a car 4 hours one way tomorrow with my DD.  Things with us have been really good lately, but 4 hours, one way... .my word I am concerned! We will see how it goes.  Honestly, it has everything to do with any expectations she has of me and my willingness to do as she desires.  That is when things go south here... .when I don't do what she decides she wants me to do.  Lately I have given her a lot of what she wants, and so I am "the best!"... .but that can all change and be utterly forgotten if one little thing comes to mind and I don't see things the way she does. 
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