Why is it hard to let go?

[bella_8]

Hey everyone,

I was reading the thread about the decision making guidelines of whether I should stay in contact with my BPD sis or not... .and one of the points stuck out...

It said something to the extent of me losing the battle to win the overall war... .I hear this a lot. Everyone tells me to just let my anger and blaming go, that it's only hurting me and making me bitter. But, sometimes I can't help but ruminate. A memory or something she says triggers it.

I honestly want to just let it all go so I could focus on myself, but it's hard because I feel like I want her to, I guess, feel as bad as I have for what she did to me and give me an explanation for why she did what she did... .I know it's never going to happen, that it's impossible and futile for me to hope she one day will, but I don't know how to let this "hope" go.

And another problem, sometimes, I'll let my guards down and I'll try to talk to my sister. Just to let you all on what's happening - I have been lately keeping to myself. I'm not involving my sister in my life at all. I'll be cordial and have surface convos, but that's it. She notices my and comments on me being withdrawn. I just reply that I'm under stress, etc. I don't know how to respond.

So, anyways, when I do let my guards down, she tries to be controlling. Like I notice her testing the waters trying to sneak in a snide remark or trying to boss me around. It's like I give her an inch and she'll take a mile. She'll be the same horrid controlling person. It'll start off with us being friendly and talking, then she'll start invalidating my experiences, and get back to her moody self. It's like when I ignore her, she's much better. But I feel like I'm being stubborn in not letting it go and adding to her feeling abandoned. My therapist told me that it's not up to me if she feels abandoned or not, my priority is me. But I can't help but feel guilty.

And it's hard for me to let my guards down. I use every force of strength to talk to her. She is very emotionally and verbally abusive and I have lived in fear for about 4 years with her and am still dealing with it today. I am anxious if she'll blow up, etc. And because of what she's done, I really don't have any feelings toward her. I honestly don't feel anything for her, except anger. I feel horrid just saying that, but it's the truth. It eats me inside that I feel like this to my once best friend, and that's why I want to let it go and probably work on a limited relationship with her rather than push her out.

I wanted to know what techniques have any of you used that helped you to just let it go and stop placing blame and just focus on yourself? Also, I'm sure it's going to take time for me to fully "lose the battle", but do you have any advice as what I should say to her when she comments on me being withdrawn?

[2010]

I had to let go because it was killing me. The triggers you feel about things said in the past? Those triggers are showing you the future. Nothing changes unless they want to change- and your allowance of their bad behaviors in the hopes that they will treat you fairly is just a test just allows more hurtful things to be said-- and gives you more triggers up the road.

It hurts to let go because its a failure. Not on your part, but on theirs. That's why its called a character disorder. The good news is that it's not your fault. They are equal opportunity abusers. Some even see your patience and kindness as weakness. Weakness that allows for abuse.

When you withdraw- you also withdraw a target for their abuse. Now they need an outlet for their rage and you are not available? How dare you! Be prepared to have a smear campaign lodged against you. Be prepared to have other people act as proxy and call you on your Sister's behalf. All of this you must ignore.

Remember J.A.D.E.? That's do not justify, argue, defend or explain. No one else has suffered the same experience as you have- so do not expect them to understand. It is your decision to stop the battle. I did it by not taking phone calls. Not responding to letters. Not listening to other people when they bad mouthed me by parroting what they'd heard.  And I helped myself by establishing boundaries- if only in my own mind- that regardless of blood relations- if a close friend had done the same things to me- I would have ended the friendship. And I would have been adamant about it.   My rules- My way. My happiness.

[LOAnnie]

I'm posting the link to a good article about disengaging from a manipulative, personality-disordered dating partner,  a lot of the techniques can work for disengaging from abusive, manipulative family members as well.  Here's one of them:

"Gradually become more boring, talk less, share fewer feelings and opinions. The goal is almost to bore “The Loser” into lessening the emotional attachment, while at the same time not creating a situation which would make you a target.

As “The Loser” starts to question changes in your behavior, you admit confusion, depression, emotional numbness, and a host of other boring reactions. This sets the foundation for the ending of the relationship."



Here's the link to the whole article and the site its from, Counselling Resources, has several good articles about personality disorder.

www.counsellingresource.com/quizzes/loser/index.html

I hope that helps.

-LOAnnie

[OriginalofSpecies]

I think it is because of the intense love and feeling that you never felt before that occurs in the beginning, then as they slip away you are left with so many unanswered questions, and at times questioning your own sanity and changing good qualities about yourself to satisfy the BPD... It is almost like a cult, or shell shock, I often say Stockholm Syndrome, were a kidnap victim sympathizes or shows concern for their captors, even if they were abused and so on. you can't figure out what happened.

You want to believe the true BPD is the person you met, who loved you so much... I think the key is you did nothing wrong, and what your feeling now you would not wish on your worst enemy. But you have become used to chasing that euphoria you felt at the start.

[bella_8]

Thanks everyone... .it brought a lot of clarification to why I am soo on the border with this decision.

2010 - I love the JADE technique. I need to apply that to my life much more.

LOAnnie - Thanks soo much for that link. I desperately needed some ways to answer my BPDsis when she would ask why I was pulling myself out. I am going to be the biggest loser ever 

OriginalofSpecies - You have really cleared it up. It's true I'm chasing what I used to have with her before she went crazy on me. And she abruptly changed and just went soo mean that I guess I'm trying to find a reason. I have to let it go... .

THANKS EVERYONE! I've realized that I have to be away from her... .even though she's my sister, I need to be away to figure out myself. I need to find my sanity.