Need some support... please

[Nutts45]

Actually good point... .at least I am not out of the country... .  Geez could you imagine... I only have to worry about 200 in gas money to go home.

[TonyC]

wise no... .battlescars... yes.

. i dont forget where i came from...

whats an mob?

[rosebud]

wise no... .battlescars... yes.

. i dont forget where i came from...

whats an mob?

mail-order-bride (see your earlier post)

I understand battlescars... .but they've made you wise nonetheless.

[rosebud]

You will have that closeness again Rosebud, with someone awesome who appreiciates you and when you have that you will look back on this time in your life and not only feel relief but you may even laugh! I don't have anyone new, I wont for a while as I'm taking a time out, but I can already see what a tizz I worked myself into and how much hurt I allowed into my life and as my old morals and principles and self awareness come back I can see that this episode in my life... .how I ever stood for it for so long, is incredible, but I did and I need to be aware of my capacity for accepting hurtful situations.

Oh Rosebud, if only time and continent were not against us! 

LOL!  However I do love London.  Couldn't get to Abbey Road fast enough.   You're a sweetheart.

Closeness is elusive right now, only in that I know I'm not ready, but I trust that the time will come someday and I'll meet the most wonderful guy with no BPD.  I miss that element, I know you do too.  We'll get there.  I never thought of myself as codependent before, but to be able to accept the abuse... .I don't know.  It's like brainwashing I guess.  I know if any man treated either of my daughters like that I'd have to kill him. (metaphorically speaking)

[rosebud]

I can't stop crying today.  I hate this.

[DAS]

I can't stop crying today.  I hate this.

  It'll get better.

[Manon46]

I can't stop crying today.  I hate this.

Oh sweetie, i am so sorry you are feeling so awfull... .

But you know, they will fail ,they have to, we are all so scared that they manage to go on and than magically live happily ever after... but they don't ,not this life they don't...

He hasn't changed, not one bit, and like you said, if anyone would do this to our daughters,we wil not hesitate to kill them... You are much more worth,and more beautifull person than he is...

And if she uses him to get to the States, well she's gonna pay a big price for that... would you be in her shoes? Do yourself a big favor... don't look on his facebook, you can do that, really you can ! x

[LeroyBrown]

I can't stop crying today.  I hate this.

Let it all out, sister.    There's no shame in crying and feeling pain. I think it does become an issue if we tend to wallow in it, but that doesn't seem to be the case for you given the circumstances.

Believe you me, I understand the draw of looking at their FB photo, blogs, etc. When I was really bad with that, it was because of the whole validation thing. I wanted to know that she wasn't going to be happy and prove it. In the end, all that thinking and pondering has pretty much just put me way behind in graduate school and farming and way out of shape. It's done me no good. I think once we get to that point (which is different for every single one of us), we realize just how detrimental it has been to our lives and a switch goes off in our head. You'll get there, sister. One piece of advice I would give from my long journey thus far is to avoid repression and wallowing (i.e. both extremes).

On Turtlesoup's comment RE the LDR - same thing here. We were real tight for 3 months. We spent 4 days together my birthday weekend and after just 3 months inside a 4 day span, she lost it. The next 6 months that she strung me along, she had a variety of penises to keep her physical needs satisfied while I was her emotional dildo. They ain't worth it, sister.

In solidarity,  x

Leroy Brown

[freshstart12]

Rosebud, just some more    because you deserve them!

I'm really sorry that you're struggling - even though you're NC and are so clear about that and committed to it. It certainly can still hurt like hell, can't it?

My ex is newly with another woman and I too discovered via FB a whole host of proclamations of love and wonderfulness. He's showering high praise, promises of marriage, kids and forever on her. It's just one big lovefest. They are across a continent from each other and were "in love" before they even met!

I was afraid too (maybe still am) that he'd be "better" with her and it would all magically work out. I don't honestly believe that to be true though, and neither should you. LDRs are PERFECT for them for all the reasons mentioned here already. I truly believe my ex has at least a few other women on the side and waiting in the wings for when he has an "opening." New Woman might be his everything for now, but it will crash and burn.

All of this is beside the point though. The awesome thing? You and I don't have to care anymore about it! This is no longer OUR reality. We get to go and do whatever we want. Yeah, sometimes that means crying, ruminating, pondering the senselessness of it, but not forever.

They are stuck in a neverending cycle of dysfunction. Same dance, different partners. It may not feel like it now, but you are moving forward, you truly are. You are in it now, but you will be *through* it someday and it will be better.



JPS

[2010]

Yeah, BPD love, the kind of love you had originally but it will sour and then, think of it this way, this woman is coming from a foreign country bringing her kid, she is in for a nasty nasty surprise, what she thinks will give her freedom may turn out to be a life sentence with a monstor. I think some days we don't realise how lucky we are to get rid of them. It's a blessing. My exBPD was this close > < to getting me to drop everything and move just 200 miles away and I thank the lord I had the good sense not to ditch my friends and come live in a remote area with her. Can you imagine? Hell On Toast.

Can you imagine the isolation this girl is in for? And to think she's pushing for it and probably wouldn't take no for an answer from him. This is her big ticket!  Never underestimate the fantasy quotient- it reeks of Knight in Shining Armour. For all we know she is trading the frying pan for the fire- you'll likely never see a frown from her- there's too much at stake.  Will things be different with her? Not bloody likely.

[rosebud]

I can't stop crying today.  I hate this.

Oh sweetie, i am so sorry you are feeling so awfull... .

But you know, they will fail ,they have to, we are all so scared that they manage to go on and than magically live happily ever after... but they don't ,not this life they don't...

He hasn't changed, not one bit, and like you said, if anyone would do this to our daughters,we wil not hesitate to kill them... You are much more worth,and more beautifull person than he is...

And if she uses him to get to the States, well she's gonna pay a big price for that... would you be in her shoes? Do yourself a big favor... don't look on his facebook, you can do that, really you can ! x

Wow.  Thanks manon!  x

I'm happy to report that I've avoided looking since starting this thread.    I hope I can stick with it as the marriage approaches within the next month or two.

[rosebud]

Can you imagine the isolation this girl is in for? And to think she's pushing for it and probably wouldn't take no for an answer from him. This is her big ticket!  Never underestimate the fantasy quotient- it reeks of Knight in Shining Armour. For all we know she is trading the frying pan for the fire- you'll likely never see a frown from her- there's too much at stake.  Will things be different with her? Not bloody likely.

Word.  He attempted that approach with me too.  That's his hook I guess.  'cept I didn't need saving from anything and that was evidently frustrating for him.  However I realize something drew me to him.  Working on that too.

[rosebud]

I can't stop crying today.  I hate this.

Let it all out, sister.    There's no shame in crying and feeling pain. I think it does become an issue if we tend to wallow in it, but that doesn't seem to be the case for you given the circumstances.

Believe you me, I understand the draw of looking at their FB photo, blogs, etc. When I was really bad with that, it was because of the whole validation thing. I wanted to know that she wasn't going to be happy and prove it. In the end, all that thinking and pondering has pretty much just put me way behind in graduate school and farming and way out of shape. It's done me no good. I think once we get to that point (which is different for every single one of us), we realize just how detrimental it has been to our lives and a switch goes off in our head. You'll get there, sister. One piece of advice I would give from my long journey thus far is to avoid repression and wallowing (i.e. both extremes).

On Turtlesoup's comment RE the LDR - same thing here. We were real tight for 3 months. We spent 4 days together my birthday weekend and after just 3 months inside a 4 day span, she lost it. The next 6 months that she strung me along, she had a variety of penises to keep her physical needs satisfied while I was her emotional dildo. They ain't worth it, sister.

In solidarity,  x

Leroy Brown

You're absolutely right, LB.  It really does hold us up, keep us stuck.  Do you suppose that's where the addiction is in play?  I don't know.  It's so hard to understand and that's because we cannot; it's a disorder.  I've spent the last couple of weeks reading up on Radical Acceptance.  I'm getting there brother.  x

[Nutts45]

I'm happy to report that I've avoided looking since starting this thread.    I hope I can stick with it as the marriage approaches within the next month or two.

Think of this... .they get through the marriage... because not enough time to go through all the little things that trigger to the big things that little things trigger.  

Marriage = more to lose = intense abandonment issues.  

What ever you went through think 3x worse.

[rosebud]

I'm happy to report that I've avoided looking since starting this thread.    I hope I can stick with it as the marriage approaches within the next month or two.

Think of this... .they get through the marriage... because not enough time to go through all the little things that trigger to the big things that little things trigger.  

Marriage = more to lose = intense abandonment issues.  

What ever you went through think 3x worse.

I think you're right on the money with this one, dsnutt.  Best case scenario for them, she gets him into therapy.  Worse case, her child is going to be right smack in the middle of this.

Which could be an additional trigger, taking attention away from him.

[Manon46]

Rosebud ! so proud of you, that you didn't look anymore

Don't you even think about it ! They will get their share of life, don't worry ... .

Therapy "? Don't think so, she in a foreign country , she has no idea what she's up to... .almost pity her...

Don't look now... .x

[rosebud]

Rosebud ! so proud of you, that you didn't look anymore

Don't you even think about it ! They will get their share of life, don't worry ... .

Therapy "? Don't think so, she in a foreign country , she has no idea what she's up to... .almost pity her...

Don't look now... .x

Thanks manon.  You've come a long way sweetie!  x

I'm actually entertaining the thought today of moving to another city.  They will be right around the corner and it haunts me.  I take no glory in that, I wish I were further along, it just happens to be the way it is.  The thought of running into one or both of them... .

It's so fresh.  I feel to go forward, I may just need to distance myself physically.  Financially though... .heck I don't know.  sigh.  Where there's a will there's a way.  I think I would be happier and more at peace.  What's that old song... "It's my town too" ... .small sacrifice.

[turtlesoup]

I understand the motivation to do a geographical! I spoke about this to my T, she advised me that making changes while in a period of turmoil isn't always a good idea BUT my exBPD is 200 miles away, thankfully she moved. Were she right around the corner... .eh...

So if you do move, do you have a place to go where you already have some friends or family? If you do decide that you would rather not run the risk of bumping into them maybe go somewhere you do have some kind of support network?

[Manon46]

Totally understand the thought of moving... .

I know that if i had the  money than and no children i would have immediately took off to my sis in canada...

But my house (bought it,not rent) my children,my work kept me here... if you have the possibility and finance to do, i can fully understand that you would move instead of living around the corner, it would have been unbearable for me ... .

Physical distance can help speed up the emotional distance imo... .

x

[rosebud]

So if you do move, do you have a place to go where you already have some friends or family? If you do decide that you would rather not run the risk of bumping into them maybe go somewhere you do have some kind of support network?

Yes, TS... .I have family where I'm thinking of going.  Not only will I be away from him and her, I won't feel so isolated.

[turtlesoup]

So if you do move, do you have a place to go where you already have some friends or family? If you do decide that you would rather not run the risk of bumping into them maybe go somewhere you do have some kind of support network?

Yes, TS... .I have family where I'm thinking of going.  Not only will I be away from him and her, I won't feel so isolated.

Perfect sweetie, well, you do what you need to do to get you well 

[rosebud]

Totally understand the thought of moving... .

I know that if i had the  money than and no children i would have immediately took off to my sis in canada...

But my house (bought it,not rent) my children,my work kept me here... if you have the possibility and finance to do, i can fully understand that you would move instead of living around the corner, it would have been unbearable for me ... .

Physical distance can help speed up the emotional distance imo... .

x

Yes, unbearable.  Seriously manon.  I hadn't given it much thought, but as the date draws near (actually could be any day for all I know), I realize I don't want to be placed in that situation.  They would take too much pleasure in it and I'd feel awkward and hurt.  Enough of that.  Finances are the main issue to get my own place again.  Won't be opposing on family friends, but I'll figure it out.  It's giving me something to look forward to now.  Hope I can pull this off.  ;p  

[rosebud]

So if you do move, do you have a place to go where you already have some friends or family? If you do decide that you would rather not run the risk of bumping into them maybe go somewhere you do have some kind of support network?

Yes, TS... .I have family where I'm thinking of going.  Not only will I be away from him and her, I won't feel so isolated.

Perfect sweetie, well, you do what you need to do to get you well 

Thanks love. 

[Manon46]

You pull it of girl, make new friends, totally new life... .

Just do it, ask familiy and friends to look for a new place over there, you will work out the financial side...

Go !  x

[Lindylou]

Hello All

I am with you on the peeking. I am able to see what he and "princess" (his word for her) are doing and photos as well. They only spend week-ends together with no talk yet that I know of to live together. Engaged after 2 months. I console myself that she only knows of him what he tells her and we all know what LIARS they are. We were together on and off because of his affairs for 19 years  and been NC for 3 months because that is how i keep it but God it hurts because he acts on his FB page and in his e-mails like I have never existed. But I am determined to keep strong and my closure is knowing that I can survive this.

Peace to you all

Lindy-lou xxxxx