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Author Topic: TREATMENT: Why marriage counseling so often fails  (Read 6742 times)
GreatDad
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« Reply #25 on: April 13, 2010, 03:06:46 PM »

In her "Essential Family Guide," Randi Kreger explains the pitfalls of MC with a Borderline.  It is a six stage process, and mine went exactly the way she said it would go (only read the book after the fact).  Someone should post the six stages, and I remember she says they are almost certain to happen, or something like that or as certain as the change of the seasons.  One of the thigs she says, and I had happen, was a MC who wasn't privy to the BPD issue (I really didn't focus on it, but it all makes sense now) could validate and reinforce the pwBPD's blame.  Soo true.  It invigorated my stbxw.  How can you both take an inventory when only one of you has eyes?
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« Reply #26 on: April 13, 2010, 03:15:02 PM »

Reminds me of a cartoon (Bill Eddy gets the credit; it's in his book).  The cartoon features a teenage girl sitting in her bed with her mom, who is standing over her from the hallway, folded arms, looking frustrated.   The daughter says, "So I blame you for everything.  Well, whose fault is that?"

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« Reply #27 on: April 13, 2010, 05:22:02 PM »

Wow, I'm glad this topic was introduced! I'm starting MC next week. I've never been in any type of therapy (went with her to one of her sessions with an old T, and witnessed her sit there, literally like a shy and mad 10 year old, talking only when pried open...[i thought: i'm paying for this?])

Her new T i think she trusts more and opens up to. She also has specific BPD experience and is a DBT group leader/teacher (although not for the group my wife attends). My wife wants help and to improve herself and our marriage too, so I guess I'll report back. Thanks greatdad, I will look into the Essential Family Guide to find out what to watch out for.
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« Reply #28 on: April 13, 2010, 07:15:32 PM »

Yay, my first non-intro post! Smiling (click to insert in post)  Thought I might be able to add something a bit different here.  Since I've never been married and am getting older than most that have, I'm now trying to have complete relationship cycles in 2 years or less.   My second last gf and I were together just under 1.5 yrs.  At around the year mark, we went to CC.  I suspected she might have NPD by that point (only thing I could find online to explain the bizarre things that happened - but now I think she may have had both strong B and N traits).  Anyway, I was actually going sincerely to see if we could work things out, improve our communication, etc (I was also in IC during that time - she had only gone once before on her own for a few sessions to get over some issue she had with her dad) - I didn't need the T to say it was all her fault or that she had a PD or anything like that.  I picked two people and said she'd have the choice on which one we'd go back to after the initial visit.

With the first one (who seemed to be more on her side - and of course who she picked later), I ended up looking crazy right at the end of the session because my ex whispered something that set me off and then claimed she didn't say anything (and the T didn't see/hear it).  My ex (who essentially admitted later the only reason she was going was to find out how the therapist would tell me I was crazy) said afterwards that she was glad the T could see how crazy I really am - and when I attempted to tell her using effective communication that my feelings were hurt, she called me a "big fat crazy baby."  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) (but at the time not very nice ;( )

Anyway, I was prepared for the second round with printouts - the T gasped at some of the incredibly hurtful things I listed that my ex had said to me on the several times I attempted to break up with her.  Then she witnessed us have an argument about a recent trip where my ex harassed me for two solid hours until I finally blew up (and then she gave me the silent treatment all evening/night) - it was mind-boggling, she would say "You did/didn't do [this]" and I would give her an example of how that's exactly what I did, and then she would say "but you didn't say it in [this] way" and I would give an example of that - and it just went on and on to ridiculous levels.  Clearly this time she was the one not looking so pretty.  Funny that after the first session, my ex suggested that we both agree to leave things from T in T and just go on with the rest of our day normally - but after that one she was furious (she rarely got visibly mad - she was quite good at getting her way without raging) and said "how dare you suggest we go to dinner after what you pulled in there?".

So she picked the first T - we went back, tried some effective communication - I went first - was fine.  Then I said some stuff and my ex had absolutely no idea how to reflect, validate, etc - couldn't even start.  So the T bit by bit fed her lines until she said the whole thing - completely unemotionally, like a robot.  That night, after sitting through the second half of dinner under silent treatment because I asked the wrong question, I decided to end things - she agreed (but then tried to get me back many times after).

ANNNYYYWAAYYYY so for my most recent gf (who does know something's wrong, has been in T previously for several years, and had a T who told her that she has strong BPD traits), she actually went to MC without me.  Yep, with her H.  They were separated when we met but that was one of the excuses she gave to give him another chance (and strung me along with) that she had to make sure she tried everything with him to make things work.  He seems to have strong N traits so the 2 or 3 sessions that they went to failed spectacularly (because of him, according to her, of course - but she's probably right - he never really listens/understands/follows-up - btw, I've met him!).  Yet she stays.  And because I'm in lo... I mean, codependent, I helped/supported her - to the point of almost killing myself (several times) - and am now for some crazy reason still considering whether or not we should be friends.  But currently have gone NC and am doing my best to stick with it.

I would really be interested to know how CC with her and I would have gone (if we'd had the chance in the future).  I definitely agree with what UFN wrote in the initial post anyway.  My IC said (with the first one above) that if I'm going to go to CC, (as is said often here...) I should focus on myself and my contribution (positive and negative) to the relationship - and the only thing needing addressing between the two of us would be better communication (although I'm not sure this part is the whole picture if a PD is involved).

Btw, I have a friend who has a (now-ex) gf (who appears to have strong B traits) who tried going to CC - they kinda went sporadically and it didn't really help much with them (although it did a bit, and *he* seemed to benefit somewhat) - they were also having IC with the same person - which I don't believe is really that good an idea from what I understand (and it did seem that there were some things going on that shouldn't have - like the T telling my friend what his gf said in her IC session...)

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« Reply #29 on: April 14, 2010, 07:04:23 AM »

My Husband and i went to theropy like 12 years ago him for his anger me for my codependance at the time that was a must we were separated and we made rules and one of them was to seek help to find out what was wrong. WE each had our own Therapist,

now through his therapist he told me that myhusband had a personality disorder and then through mine we came up with BPD, and that is when i started reading and learning coping skills,.

So in a way this is where THerapy helped it helped me i continued for a year so did my husband blamming me, for everything he couldn't take any of the blame.

during this year like i said i became stronger, and learned alot. i told him things had to change and they did but that was because i started setting some strong boundaries, and using the tools given to me.  after about a year and we got back to gether I beleived the Theapist told him about him having a personality disorder and then he was to never returned, i kept just learning what i could. but THerapy got my husband to see he needed AA again due to he got out, and so i can say THerapy helped but not in the way i would of liked due to my husband sees no proublem.
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« Reply #30 on: April 14, 2010, 08:33:52 AM »

Excerpt
Of course boundaries should be reasonable and fair, but if the ones he is using  are not, who is going to tell him that without an argument?

What kind of boundaries are you talking about here?

Ditto...I am wondering if his attempts at 'boundaries' are actually something else.  Many of us, upon our first attemtps to set boundaries, were not really setting boundaries...rather, we confused boundaries w/ trying to dictate the behavior of another person.  Which, usually, doesn't work, and doesn't go over well w/ the other person.

Boundaries, correctly done, may still not go over well w/ the other person...in deed, they usually do not!...but, I would be curious hear an example of one his boundaries.  What was it, how was it communicated (often they aren't even communicated but just acted on).   
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« Reply #31 on: April 14, 2010, 10:19:47 AM »

Actually, he has decided that his work and the things he feels he needs / wants to do WILL come first regardless of anything else planned and he has "enforced" this by just doing it, or by constantly "telling" me he must tend to his things first (to the point that I feel I am lectured about it daily). He feels this is necessary because he believes I am selfish and put myself before any of his needs. The fact is, there was a time when I had issues with him spending a lot of time at work, earlier on in the relationship...and it was due in part to the "activities" that had taken place "at work" before we were married. I have since changed that behavior because the relationship has brown, obviously. However, I still can't seem to get credit for that and he still feels the need to "remind" me he has things to do as well, even when I haven't said anything about it! He lived where he works, if that helps clear things up regarding the "activities" I mentioned. I have even asked to HELP him, and he still goes into his speech about how he has things he needs to do, etc etc etc...

Additionally, it was HE who decided he wanted to spend every waking moment of the day with me and then when he figured out that the things he needed to attend to were falling apart because of this, it became my fault that his things were not getting the attention they required, of course.

No win...
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MaybeSo
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« Reply #32 on: April 14, 2010, 11:30:16 AM »

hey...are you married to my fiance?

It sounds like there were some fairly signifiant trust issues caused by past behavior?  There certainly was in my case, too.

Excerpt
Additionally, it was HE who decided he wanted to spend every waking moment of the day with me and then when he figured out that the things he needed to attend to were falling apart because of this, it became my fault that his things were not getting the attention they required, of course.

No win

ughh...This sound very familiar, too.   Before DBT therapy, and especially the first year of the relationship, my finace did the EXACT same thing.  He overextended himself in requiring he be w/ me all the time...to the point where it actually felt werid to me, and I actually was verbally encouraging him to back off and to get back to work (he owns his own business) but I had to do that very carefully becasue I had already learned how hyper sensitive he was to any perceived critisizm.  :)espite the gentle proding to quit gloming onto me and to get back to work...he usually wouldn't...he had all sorts of excuses why not including that he'd been in a horrific 16 year long marriage and now that he'd found me (his perfect partner) he was more intersted in making the most of our time together and work could always wait.  And work did wait.  Until, finally some kind of crises would ensue (cause he'd not been engaged in work for so long).  Then, he'd grow extremely anxious, and would withdraw abruptly and almost completely, which would stimulate alarm in me especially when just days earlier I couldn't even get him to leave me alone...and when I'd try to check in to see when he was ever going to be availabe again, he'd speak to me in blaming terms about how he'd sacraficed his work to be with me...w/ a tone that suggested I had REQUIRED this of him.  It did feel like a no win...and it was crazy making.   We repeated this cycle on and off for the first year or more.

Over time and w/ therapy...his communication skills became better...he takes more ownership now of his own impulses and decisions.  Part of the crazy- making stuff was really crappy communciation skills, and part of it probably was a desire to off load the anxiety he was experincing by finding someone who 'caused it' who he could blame his bad feelings on.  That was really a bad habit and he is not so quick to do that anymore, but it took quite a while becasue in his FOO...that's how people operate...there's always someone or something outside of 'self' to blame, and no one takes any responsibility for their own lives/decisions.  

Now that he's been in DBT...he 'gets' that if he drops the ball on an aspect of his life, there will of course be consequences, and he is the one in charge of creating balance in his own life, not me, and not anyone else.  His first attempts to try to do this...were also...clumsy...and to me, his style was pendantic and abrasive.  I think he is less so now.  

To be honest...this, and all the other crazy making stuff, and the trust issues...did make me act out in a way that looked very borderline.  I gave him an article about BPD so that he might see himself...he probably saw me...I don't care...it got him into DBT therapy where he has learned skills that make him soo much easier to live with!  If he thinks all his learned skills were necessary to handle MY borderline traits...that's fine by me!  There's more than one way to skin a cat!  I don't even CARE anymore who the BPD is...I'm just gald this crazy making b.s. no longer permeates our lives!
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« Reply #33 on: April 14, 2010, 04:29:41 PM »

We've just been to our fourth session of MC. My BPDh is loving the attention and he is getting something out of it. I am not really, but am conscious of taking a back seat to allow H to explore himself. Yesterday he actually broke down and cried in our MC session. This was about his sister who died 40 years ago. Obvious he had never been able to grieve before. However, this self revelation has made him very anxious and he's now in a blue funk and picking on me for all kinds of stuff - mainly to do with money. I have poured myself a large brandy and have gone to bed in the spare room. Smiling (click to insert in post)

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Nutts45
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« Reply #34 on: April 15, 2010, 09:37:25 AM »

I suggested MC just to start somewhere.  My H responded why, I wouldn't listen to anything that they would say I needed to work on.  So when he did his little song and dance on how I was the one with the problem and continued to tell me why.  He opened the door, I took it, made my own T appointment.  I will say he did try to sabotage me making it..didn't work.

Am so glad I went to my T, and luck had it that I found a good one.  When I repeated that my H wants to do joint..she said not in mine or his best interest and because of the problems of black and white he would have to see a different T.  She recommended another T and he has an meet and greet appoint friday with a new T..who does at least work with personality disorders.

Even now..I shudder to think, what MC would have been like..especially after a session.

The worst part out of it all...I have worked with mental health clinics in the past...but the realization on the time frame encompassed with setting appoints, waiting, referring to another..my heart really goes out to those seeking help.

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« Reply #35 on: April 15, 2010, 11:00:32 AM »

dsnutt: I can tell you exactly what it would have been like - disaster after disaster. Your T is exactly right - and mine came to the same conclusion after meeting with us jointly for a few sessions. We've stopped that. I'm doing my individual now. I'm NC with my W but I think she was going to continue with the same T. He actually asked if I thought that would be ok, which I thought was nice of him. He did mention that she needed a "higher level of care" than he might be able to give.

In short, seems like you are on the right path and your T did you a big solid.
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« Reply #36 on: April 15, 2010, 11:11:24 AM »

My T was going to see him.  I told her that it would not bother me but she had to know that he had already brought up that I probably poisoned him against here.

Although I really wanted a T for him that is as good as mine.. I had previous read some post on this, I did not hesitate to bring it up. 
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« Reply #37 on: April 15, 2010, 12:24:58 PM »

Excerpt
Missinterperted for what it's worth...IF you are accused of being BPD...it's not a bad thing...IF your mate is truly convinced, then HE should be the one reading up about how to deal with you. And at the same time, you learn about how to take care of yourself and recognize some of your own bad habits and fix them.

Couldn't agree more! I guess it is just so frustrating that they can't take a look in the mirror because they are too busy looking at us. My husband won't ever look at himself in a BPD light and that is just a shame. I am certain he reads up on BPD because he uses little "treatments" and "tricks" that he learned and they frustrate the hell out of me because I feel like I have to play the game just to keep the peace. I am truly not happy at all because of this game...it only makes me feel that as long as he has me to work on (and fix, and blame and "treat" that he will never try to fix himself (because in his world, he requires no fixing).

I will agree that I had MANY BPD traits back in the day but I have worked very hard to change those things within myself that even I felt were unacceptable. I am a better woman for it too. I love me!   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #38 on: April 15, 2010, 01:34:17 PM »

Excerpt
Missinterperted for what it's worth...IF you are accused of being BPD...it's not a bad thing...IF your mate is truly convinced, then HE should be the one reading up about how to deal with you. And at the same time, you learn about how to take care of yourself and recognize some of your own bad habits and fix them.

Couldn't agree more! I guess it is just so frustrating that they can't take a look in the mirror because they are too busy looking at us. My husband won't ever look at himself in a BPD light and that is just a shame. I am certain he reads up on BPD because he uses little "treatments" and "tricks" that he learned and they frustrate the hell out of me because I feel like I have to play the game just to keep the peace. I am truly not happy at all because of this game...it only makes me feel that as long as he has me to work on (and fix, and blame and "treat" that he will never try to fix himself (because in his world, he requires no fixing).

I will agree that I had MANY BPD traits back in the day but I have worked very hard to change those things within myself that even I felt were unacceptable. I am a better woman for it too. I love me!   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Wow! The commonality of many of the post's on this forum are eerily similar. I simply can't comment confidently because I am so new to all this, yet I will say this...take heart, if your husband is interested enough to read and learn, he will learn in short order that this IS about him, and not you. The content of this site at least, has little to do with who's who, and what's what...as much as it is taking personal responsibility to improve oneself...that's what I've learned at least.

If there's one singular fact that I have learned here, and CONTINUE to learn...is that from all the research I do, and this site also, is about ME! It's not so much a label of BPD, and who has it, or not...the sypmtoms are so complex and varied it's vuirtually impossible to accurately diagnose...that's the not the point for me here...for me it's recognizing how I can be a better person. In that regard, it's EXTREMELY been helpful.
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« Reply #39 on: April 15, 2010, 08:01:13 PM »

My borderline wife and I have been going through counseling for a couple of months now. After a few sessions, the counselor told me privately that he detected that she has BPD. His awareness of this does help with the counseling, because it enables him to treat it as a "BPD situation". He told me not to tell her that she has BPD, but to let him gradually work towards the possibility of reccommending medication to her in one of the upcomming sessions without even mentioning the words "BPD". He says that eventually, no matter how carefull he is, he is sure to do something or say something that will trigger her anger towards him. My wife does a lot of the talking and the marriage counselor asks a lot of questions... If only my wife could see how ridiculous some of her "thinking" is - she would be embarrassed. It is truly "nuts" how she takes and interprets things. The counselor told me in private that I need some stress relievers like working out and taking walks. That is for certain! I almost feel like I need to be hospitalized after dealing with years of my wife's abnormal thinking, intense fits of anger at me, and verbal abuse. If I could only get someone to "babysit" my wife for one week, so I could get one week to detox from her, I'd be greatly relieved. Her secular job is a blessing, because it is about the only think that gets her out of my hair, so I can have a little space and sanity!
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« Reply #40 on: May 01, 2010, 05:16:50 AM »

If I could only get someone to "babysit" my wife for one week, so I could get one week to detox from her, I'd be greatly relieved. Her secular job is a blessing, because it is about the only think that gets her out of my hair, so I can have a little space and sanity!

Why don't you just take a break of a week? No need to babysit an adult. She is more functional than you think and she is likely to be more functional without you. You don't need her permission to do that...
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« Reply #41 on: May 01, 2010, 10:20:56 PM »

They aren't able to do any self evaluation. They don't have the skills to be compassionate or offer empathy, since they are so often in self defense mode that they can't take their eyes off their own internal pain. They don't have the skills to self regulate or soothe themselves, so they blame us to make themselves feel better.

My SO is a hypochondriac and uBPD.  I read the bits above from UFN and thought... wow, this explains my SO's hypochondria and why it consumes them to the point that they don't realize how it impacts others.    It also explains why the pain never goes away for them.   

I've connected the two issues for years now, but it's interesting to read these BPD traits and see them as feeding the hypochondria.    It's tough to feel better if you have no mechanism to psychologically make yourself feel better. 

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« Reply #42 on: May 04, 2010, 06:37:12 AM »

If I could only get someone to "babysit" my wife for one week, so I could get one week to detox from her, I'd be greatly relieved. Her secular job is a blessing, because it is about the only think that gets her out of my hair, so I can have a little space and sanity!

Why don't you just take a break of a week? No need to babysit an adult. She is more functional than you think and she is likely to be more functional without you. You don't need her permission to do that...

I think a ligh bulb has been lit over your head here.  Idea

Being trapped in this relationship comes from not understanding the mental illness. At least for me, gaining clarity and then dettaching has brought some much needed rest and freedom. I have begun to take responsibility for me and my stuff and have let go of thinking i am also responsible for her stuff. I ran on empty for a long long time. I had nothing to give because the tank was empty.

I have a picture in my head af a force field or shield around me that protects me from the verbal attacks and F.O.G. (fear-obligation-guilt) tactics or staying trapped in a very unhealthy relationship.

Your T is right on the money. Take care of yourself. Have fun. Eat well. Enjoy the company of others. Take a week away... or more.

Be prepared for the counter-moves! Decide what you are willing to allow in your life and set boundaries.

Stay strong and flexible.

God Bless you,

Enoch
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« Reply #43 on: May 04, 2010, 06:47:53 AM »

As a follow up to my last response: Adressing the idea of taking care of yourself.

It cannot go without saying that your BP mate is not going to take lightly the changes that you make. They have lived with you for a long time and are extremely perseptive. The slightest change will set them off. They will try all kinds of things to suck you back in to their comfort zone. To hell with your comfort zone!

Trust: My wife used her lack of trust in me to manipulate me for years. Of course, she did have some reasons to "not" trust me... I made mistakes. But I have been paying the price for mistakes that I made 20 years ago. (who wants to live that way?)

Well, let's put the shoe on the other foot. I think we trust our BP mates too much. We let them control us with their anger and their threat of punishment. We dance around issues for fear of rage ... etc etc ad-nauseum.    We actually tink we can fix them or keep them happy. Now that is just plain wrong!

Take care of yourself. I am not advocating harsh treatment, but on the contrary a very strong stance that will not allow fear obligation or guilt to control you... in  grace filled state!

Back to therapy question: Getting individual therapy ios taking care of yourself... get healty and understand your role. Make those changes and your world will take on a much brighter glow.

Love and peace,

Enoch
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« Reply #44 on: May 04, 2010, 09:57:08 AM »

How did MC work for those who did try it?

This is a great topic and couldn't come along at a better time.

We have been seeing a MC for a few months. Things had started to get better.

Then a week ago my SO did something small but the context it occurred in undid all the gains. Even our MC said that.

So it seems taht we now have to start over ... again. The truth is I don't know if I can or want to go back to ground zero. I'm also beginning to wonder if there is a point anylonger.



What went wrong?

I think that some of my expectations where to unrealistic and that contributed to some issues.

However, my SO doesn't open up in therapy. He doesn't open up much anywhere. But I am finding I do all the talking in therapy. I might as well be there alone.




What went well?

I developed a better understanding of myself. But right now, I can't claim that our relationship is better for therapy.




Did/Is your SO going to any individual T sessions?

Yes, he goes to individual therapy and has homework he is supposed to do. But he's really bad about doing his homework. The longer he goes not doing the work the more likely he is to start BPD based issues again.



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« Reply #45 on: May 04, 2010, 10:27:01 AM »

>>How did MC work for those who did try it?

- It helped me - not the marriage.  It was the first counseling I had and after 20+ years living with a person with no empathy and very invalidating it felt good having my feelings finally validated by someone.

- At the time I went I didn't realize (was in denial really) that husband had BPD and was pretty much at the end of my rope and loosing it with him big time.  MC helped me get back in control of my emotions.  I was so lost for a while there.

>>What went wrong?

- My husband's version of reality was very different then what reality was. 

- he would not admit to his actions.  He was physically abusive to me and completely denied it in counseling.  Can't work on the problem when they don't own up to it.

-He would tell the counselor what he felt looked good and said he would work on communications and stuff and when we got home he didn't try at all.  We would go back and he would say he tried doing what she told him and I was the problem - totally not reality.


>>What went well?

- between us - not one thing.  When we came to a list of actions we would try he would not do a thing when he got home.  Nothing changed at all.

>>:)id/Is your SO going to any individual T sessions?

- He was going to individual T all along and has gone for years. 
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« Reply #46 on: May 04, 2010, 11:06:43 AM »

My wife and I are separated and we've had a few MC sessions at this point.

It's been interesting. She is already long since diagnosed, and we are both already in individual therapy, so the whole "will this lead to her getting diagnosed/treated?" thing is not going on. And also because of that, the MC will absolutely not comment on whether anything is healthy or unhealthy in itself (outside of the most obvious "communication issues", anyway) - the MC will focus only on "so can you work that out, can you both be OK with that, can you both agree to a change".

My internal jury is still out on whether this will be helpful in the long run ... we'll see.
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« Reply #47 on: May 04, 2010, 02:00:13 PM »

>>How did MC work for those who did try it?

- It helped me - not the marriage.  It was the first counseling I had and after 20+ years living with a person with no empathy and very invalidating it felt good having my feelings finally validated by someone.

- At the time I went I didn't realize (was in denial really) that husband had BPD and was pretty much at the end of my rope and loosing it with him big time.  MC helped me get back in control of my emotions.  I was so lost for a while there.

Yep ... its me doing me more individually rather than "us"


>>What went well?

- between us - not one thing.  When we came to a list of actions we would try he would not do a thing when he got home.  Nothing changed at all.

I am finding a similar situation. My SO may make some minor changes but it doesn't "stick" ..
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« Reply #48 on: May 05, 2010, 12:37:22 AM »

DBT is like emotional kindergarten for those who suffer from BPD. They need to go back to the very basics and learn emotional management 101. It ain't easy for them, since for all their lives they've trusted their defenses to take care of them - and now they are finding out that their defenses were actually destroying those around them.

What they thought was real, is being proven to be fake.

What they thought was fake, is being proven to be real.

It takes time to integrate and accept those kind of major changes.

Regular counseling just can't do that.

Marriage counseling just can't do that.

Neither of them explain things in ways they can get.

Neither of them helps them build the skills they are missing.

Having someone who suffers from BPD go see a marriage counselor is like essentially asking them to build a rocket and then not giving them the plans on how to do it...they don't know how to do what is being asked of them, so they rebel. We see it all the time in schools with children who can't read. They act up to shift the focus off the fact that they can't do the assignment. They would rather get in trouble for bad behavior than risk having anyone figure out they can't read and possibly believe they are too dumb to do the assignment.

pwBPD need more than regular therapy - they need more than assignments from a MC... they need emotional tutoring that only DBT provides... 
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« Reply #49 on: May 05, 2010, 02:32:48 AM »

Ironically, CC helped me end the relationship...

After an hour listening to her spin events, make things up and outright lie to convince the counsellor I was crazy, I finally saw her for what she was and realised I had to get out. I still didn't know about BPD, but I knew this wasn't something I wanted to be a part of.

Oddly enough, after an hour of vitriol, accusations and stating she 'didn't feel safe' with me around, she waited at the bottom of the stairs for a hug/kiss. What she got was "I'm sad you think those things about me" and 13 months (and continuing) of no contact.
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"I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth", Umberto Eco.
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