Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
July 23, 2021, 01:26:55 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
Experts share their discoveries [video]
Could it be BPD
BPDFamily.com Production
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
What is BPD?
Blasé Aguirre, MD
What BPD recovery looks like
Pages: [1]   Go Down
Author Topic: after a divorce, what's the harm in telling them about BPD?  (Read 768 times)
Formerly StillHere82
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 730

« on: April 27, 2010, 03:23:39 PM »

I've been thinking alot recently, and I'm sure this is a common thought. I love my wife alot and I am coming to terms that we have no future. All that being said, I know she's had a terrible life as a child and that really screwed her up and which built the BPD in her. She's a good person at heart, and even though she treated me like crap, I don't hate her, I feel bad for her, pity her. I know telling a person with BPD that they have BPD only makes things worse. But I remember vividly at one point in time she was talking to her mom about reading the book, "I Hate You Don't Leave Me" and for a while was talking about having a problem, but i had no idea about BPD at the time to be able to help.

So i was wondering, after the divorce is final, what is the harm in one last time mentioning something? I dont' want to do it because i think it will bring her back, when it reaches divorce, that's final for me. But I want to do it because at one point in time she opened up about it, and because I know where her life is headed even if she doesn't. Despite everything, I still want her to be happy.

What's the negatives here if i decide to do that in a few months? If this has been discussed in another thread, please feel free to provide a link.
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 4505

« Reply #1 on: April 27, 2010, 04:24:42 PM »

Usually the divorce will leave so much residue of unhappiness. ANything you suggest, will be construed as the last attempt to make her look bad, esp. by labeling her as BPD. I think, you can just wait a year or two. Best is to just move on w your life.
Retired Staff
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 3141

« Reply #2 on: April 27, 2010, 07:54:29 PM »

As I've needed to learn time and again, you can't help someone unless they WANT to be helped first (ie. they ask for the help).  If she does at some point, then you can point her to good info about it.


Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 2512

« Reply #3 on: April 28, 2010, 12:39:28 AM »

I understand, I tried for years to get my exhusband to go for help before and after our divorce. Six years later and he is still in denial. I understand how much it hurts to watch a loved one suffer from BPD, you might watch the videos on this site that explains why they rationalize their behavior and actually are convinced nothing is wrong.

The only thing I can suggest is this:if you have children together ensure you communicate and model stability.

If you have no children together then set the example of a healthy life and find your happiness. There is absolutely nothing you can do, nothing. And it is hard to accept because you are capable of seeing the solutions to the problems. But they aren't, to them, you are the problem.

Take care.


Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 808

« Reply #4 on: April 28, 2010, 06:41:13 AM »

To answer this question- you might need to apply it out of context. Say, "what's the harm in telling someone that they bite their fingernails?" Obviously the nails are worn down to the quick, so something does show for the behavior (much like a failed relationship or divorce would show) but how do we point out the nail biting as bad behavior? To a nailbiter- the biting gives relief.

You could paint on a nasty nail polish and try to force the biting to stop- but that's just a deterrent that punishes the behavior and doesn't get at the anxiety that causes it.

So, how does one address the anxiety that causes the behavior? Certainly not by pointing it out and shaming the person. Ashamed people block and blame- defending against an ego slight.

The fastest way for someone to stop a behavior is to set a boundary against the behavior and abide by it.
Formerly StillHere82
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 730

« Reply #5 on: April 28, 2010, 07:09:47 AM »

yea i  pretty much knew the answer to the question 

yea its just terrible watching someone turn their life upside down and not being able to do anything about it. i've read everything i can about BPD this entire month, and yea i realize that telling her won't make a difference, but man, such a waste.

i've set my boundaries, and have enforced them, she's tested them, getting papers next week then filing, if nothing else, i hope she see's a change in me and wishes that change for herself.
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
Jump to:  

Our 2021 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!