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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: They really were our soul mate(s)  (Read 8441 times)
T2H
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« on: June 26, 2010, 08:59:26 PM »

So we've joked a bit about this recently - and I read several more posts this week about the dreaded 'soul mate' term.  I realize it's being used in the "common understanding" way - but I've actually read many more times that a soul mate is someone who comes to teach us something - some important lesson that we need to learn - and often with such a person, it's quite chaotic and involves a lot of pain.  Maybe what I read was in response to everything else that came before about the ideal fantasy of our one true soul mate, but based on more recent descriptions... . our ex's were actually right.  They truly were a soul mate.

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« Reply #1 on: June 26, 2010, 09:10:52 PM »

... .but I've actually read many more times that a soul mate is someone who comes to teach us something - some important lesson that we need to learn

When I read this, I think that it means everyone in the world is supposed to be matched up, even if for only a short while, with someone with a personality disorder.  And also, that we were all lacking in some way that we needed to be taught a lesson.

I don't buy it.  I don't think any one of else were lacking for anything in our lives that had to be taught to us by someone with a personality disorder.  I learn something new every day.  I'm open to that.  I willingly welcome that.  But I don't welcome the experienced teachers if they're disordered.

I am far from a perfect human being.  I am far from a perfect woman.  And if someone wants to teach me a lesson, it better be because I've asked to be taught... .not because they think I need to learn something.

Maybe I'm just hung up on the words -- soul mate.  I don't hate them.  I don't long to hear them.  But I do believe in true love.  I do believe in a kindred spirit.

I think I understand the point you're trying to make, T2H, but I guess I don't believe in it.
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T2H
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« Reply #2 on: June 26, 2010, 09:18:42 PM »



You have every right to use the term however you please.  And I'm certainly not throwing it around in my life willy nilly (hehe) for every bad experience I have with someone in which I learn something.

And I definitely wasn't saying that the disordered are 'experienced teachers'!  It's more along the lines of past life stuff - where certain interactions are crucially critical to the growth of our spirit over time.  More of a universe/karma kind of thing.

I'm not saying I totally believe in it... .just (a) for many of us here (eg. me!), I was taught a valuable lesson by this experience via my relationship with this person so in a certain sense / usage of the phrase, she was a soul mate, and (b) I've come across more things with this meaning than I have the one about true love and kindred spirits.

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« Reply #3 on: June 26, 2010, 09:25:06 PM »

It's language that X would use when trying to hold us together.  It was an ultimate means of backpedalling, so the word is tainted for me. 

And it's what the outside world thought of us.  Mixed feelings about that -- part of me knew what was going on in private, part of me wanted the good times when at least things would FEEL happier for a while.

There were levels where he and I really connected, sure.  But no one mated to my soul will ever abuse me again.

If there ever is a true soul mate in my life -- or another one -- he'll have to deserve me.

Kindred spirits?  I've been lucky to find them more often -- not necessarily in the romantic sense, but when there's a connection of minds, talents, wits, world-view.  Like those here, and I'm grateful for it. x 

Especially on Saturday nights like this one.
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« Reply #4 on: June 26, 2010, 09:27:33 PM »

Excerpt
Maybe what I read was in response to everything else that came before about the ideal fantasy of our one true soul mate, but based on more recent descriptions... . our ex's were actually right.  They truly were a soul mate.

Yes, it's true. When the fantasy of "the one" becomes the reality of "the one." But reality is a different version- and reality is better reasoned with both feet on the ground. Yes, this person got in so deep that they unlocked a secret door- one that has memories, like a childhood code. Another person cant do that unless they're close- and close enough to bring up unresolved issues that lie dormant for decades. Boy, it was tough. But realizing this was necessary- reality showed me the way towards healing.

I had spent too much of my life in fantasy, searching for my better half- when suddenly, I thought I'd found it, only to have it pulled away from my and causing a breach of my deepest pain from childhood. And for that I have to thank this person, because no one else could have done it.  Like a secret key, he turned and unlocked my repressed pain and set into motion a complete dismantling of my denial. I came to see who I was and why I did things- and that's the greatest gift that anyone has ever given me.
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« Reply #5 on: June 26, 2010, 09:28:33 PM »

Maybe it is the term for me, then.  I didn't experience those words coming out of my husband's mouth once, so I can't connect those dots to the term being asinine in my mind.  Plus, my husband is the only person in my life I've ever known with a personality disorder.  You've had more experience with "those people" (that sounds funny) than I have.

I better understand what you mean because of your follow up post.  For me, my life lessons are different though, I suppose.  I've learned a lot from many mistakes I've made.  Some of those mistakes involved other people, and some involved only me.  Some lessons I've learned didn't come from any kind of mistake -- they came from the truth.  So in a sense, my husband taught me some infinitely valuable lessons.

I have to give more thought to the soul mate thing, though.  (And I also need to catch up with you on the reading you've done!)

(I didn't mean to misinterpret your words in your initial post.  Not meaning to offend -- just trying to better understand your point.  You have much to offer, and I find your input extremely valuable.  Please continue... .)
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« Reply #6 on: June 26, 2010, 09:33:12 PM »

Yes, 2010 - totally agree - that's what I mean.

I know the term has a seriously negative connotation for most here (I.S. x) but it's interesting that when I went searching for info on it (long time ago, wasn't sure if I believed in one true SM or not), I actually came across many more articles saying "there's no 1 SM, we have multiple ones in our lives that teach us valuable lessons about ourselves and help our soul to grow."  Most actually said the person was bad for us (ie. we learn the most through intense suffering), others said that the person could be good or bad.

Maybe I just wasn't looking at the Harlequin Romance related sites... .  Smiling (click to insert in post)

ps.  No offense taken, CS - was just trying to clarify.

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« Reply #7 on: June 27, 2010, 12:14:44 AM »

T2H,

I agree that it is more common in western culture to think of a "soul mate" as a romantic term meaning your one true love. I never really believed in that kind of pre-destination or fate.

My breakup with a pwBPD (r/s 18 mos) has caused so much pain, conflict and self-doubt. I am in traditional psychotherapy and realize that I need to figure out why I attracted this guy into my life and still love him even though he hates me. Not wanting to leave any stone unturned in full healing, I accepted the gift of an intuitive reading from a friend. I have never fully "bought" this, but I am desperate to figure it all out because repeating this kind of heartache would break me for good.

In the reading, I was told that over many (past) lifetimes, I have been rejected by the masculine figures in my life to the point where I expect it to happen. This is why my BPD/bf was the perfect fit and felt so "right". My lesson in this lifetime is to learn how to self-affirm and self-love; to find both the masculine and feminine energy within to become whole. It is kind of daunting to think of it on this "energetic/karmic" level. Not sure whether it was encouraging or discouraging to think of the ex as a "soul mate" who I somehow karmically manifested in order to advance my soul's journey. I know it was meant to be empowering information, but it sometimes now feels like the weight of not only this lifetime but many past ones as well that need to be healed.

Whether one believes in this life only or in past lives, the bottom line seems to be the same. We nons were all in search of a filling hole in our own souls that it seemed the pwBPD filled perfectly only to be cruelly dealt with in the end. Now, we must begin the journey of finding out how to be whole ourselves. So, for me "soul mate" could apply to my ex even though he is causing me so much pain and torture. I am coming to accept that it is indeed in suffering that we grow the most.

But darn it!, I so wish I was one of the lucky souls who didn't need to walk this path. Trying to not be swallowed up in victimhood, self-pity or just plain bitterness.

Thanks for the thoughtful conversations, they are a lifeline.

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« Reply #8 on: June 27, 2010, 04:12:37 AM »

T2H

Whether one believes in this life only or in past lives, the bottom line seems to be the same.

That's a great point.  We used to have a, well I guess it's a half-joke in college, that when dating you're moving up the food-chain -- with every experience, you move to a higher life-form of partner, from slugs to amphibians to warm-blooded mammals, etc. (And by the way, we, those of us who had the joke together, were a community of girls and guys, so it wasn't one gender bashing the other.)

Despite the cynical humor, underneath develops a realization of some personal responsibility in who we would fall for.  Which in BPD/NON recovery terms would mean one's total duty to oneself for the recognition of red flags and the setting of boundaries.

So whether a past-life issue, or simply the consciousness of one's own life, some profound lessons there.  And part of the pain of recovery may be in losing some of the romanticism that blinded us.  I wonder how much I let slip by due to a hazy  rationalization that a soul mate would never behave in such a way.  Or worse, that if he were a true soul mate, that there must have been something I was doing to provoke his dysregulation -- which made no sense with the episodes that happened out of the blue, because he couldn't abide a happy calmness between us.  So I stayed on in the dance, trying to make the soul mate ideal a reality, per the institution of our marriage vows, or at least figure out why it wasn't to be that way.

The NPD irony is X moved instantly on to another S.O. waiting in the wings.  Literally dried his tears in the marriage counselor's office and asked when it was legal to start dating.  Meanwhile he's publicly declaring he Will Never Marry Again.  Whether that puts me On Some Pedestal of Apparent Significance to him --
Excerpt
** shrugs shoulders **

as Beast would say.  (My words are less printable at the moment.)

 For all the times that X would declare "No Guy Would Ever Have the Time, Interest or Patience" for such introspection, nor would Any Guy put up with women's self-indulgent need for petty "General Foods International Coffee Moments".  It's time to blow that out of the water, this energy-sapping veil of doubt that's been hanging over me.

I still believe in healthy and loving, responsible connection between people.  One of the biggest lessons I've learned here on this website is to counteract the sick sexism he threw at me.  It's a huge inspiration to find such integrity, respect and self-awareness here. 

Heartfelt thanks.    x
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« Reply #9 on: June 27, 2010, 06:53:50 PM »

I wouldn't exactly use the term "mate" because that implies partnership. I tend to think of them as catalysts. But it's up to you to ensure that is their role.
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« Reply #10 on: June 27, 2010, 07:02:19 PM »

Ok, so we also have to be on the lookout for thered-flag  phrase... . "I'm your soul catalyst!"

Smiling (click to insert in post)

(not intending to detract from what you posted szia - I understand and agree - maybe 'mate' would only be appropriate in the case where *both* people have a major growth experience from being together)

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« Reply #11 on: June 27, 2010, 08:47:46 PM »

Dang, if X were to have introduced himself to me as my soul catalyst, it would have been a hint of the rough ride I was in for.  Might be the proper wording, come to think of it, in that I leave the relationship changed and he breezes on the same.  But I'll make it a change for the better.

Or we could pronounce it like in Australia --  soul-"mite"  -- and that would ready us for something closer to a flea.
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« Reply #12 on: June 27, 2010, 09:02:17 PM »

i have learned that the world is cruel, people are in constant pain, and some people actually don't have a soul/conscience.  hmmm.  fabulous.
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« Reply #13 on: June 27, 2010, 09:09:26 PM »



LOL - not feeling too cheery tonight, SMP?

I.S. - I sure hope it wasn't "I'm your soul, mate." 

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« Reply #14 on: June 27, 2010, 09:19:56 PM »

i have learned that the world is cruel, people are in constant pain, and some people actually don't have a soul/conscience.  hmmm.  fabulous.

SMP,

Yeah... .I learned that lesson the hard way too!

T2H,

I think you give our exes WAY too much credit. I think I could have learned the same lesson WITHOUT all the drama, pain, bull___, etc. if I would have listened to my mom about girls like my exBPDgf. I never asked for the lesson and it sure wasn't worth the price I paid. The term "soul mate" really just creeps me out. I'll never forget the gut wrenching feeling I got when my exBPDgf first used it. I don't think she was put on this planet to teach me or anyone else anything. How can she possibly have so many "soul mates" that she is now the master of teaching every non what to avoid in real relationships? What if she is nothing more than a miserable, angry, bitter, abusive alcoholic who wants nothing more than to drag anyone close to her down with her? What's the lesson in that other than the obvious - "don't get emotionally involved in girls who are miserable, angry, bitter, abusive alcoholics"?

Just my humble opinion... .

-NHBB

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« Reply #15 on: June 27, 2010, 09:39:24 PM »

(not intending to detract from what you posted szia - I understand and agree - maybe 'mate' would only be appropriate in the case where *both* people have a major growth experience from being together)

Bingo! see for me this would be true love... .were both teach and learn and grow... .key word TOGETHER, and stay TOGETHER.  This is what i want for myself... .oh ya! x
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« Reply #16 on: June 27, 2010, 09:43:29 PM »

I think you give our exes WAY too much credit.

Perhaps.  I have done it before, in other ways.  However, I don't think I am here.  Note that, despite my joke about them being right to use the phrase, I didn't mean that they actually intentionally contributed to our growth.  That was all us - in response to what we went through.  What I'm saying is that the universe matched us up - as it possibly did in the past (if you believe in previous lives, etc) - to help our soul learn a valuable lesson.

And I disagree with you saying you could have learned that same lesson some other way (if it was a biggie).  It's possible, granted.  But personally I believe you have to suffer massive pain to experience massive growth - it's unfortunate but true - at least it's one of my current working theories.  I do agree that we don't ask for this - at least not consciously... .

Obviously the phrase is a big trigger for many and means different things.  What I'm referring to is not about one person that wanders around teaching others something - it's the interaction of two people specifically, and the combustion that results from that.  It does seem that a pwBPD using the term willy nilly with everyone doesn't really apply.

Btw, I've only had one person use the soul mate term towards me - and it was neither of my pd ex's.  It was someone who is very spiritual, and at the same time extremely clingy.  I believe I experienced very little growth in that relationship, or even in response to it.

Excerpt
What's the lesson in that other than the obvious - "don't get emotionally involved in girls who are miserable, angry, bitter, abusive alcoholics"?

Have you experienced significant personal growth in response to the above?  No?  Then she was wrong, imo - ie. not your soul mate.  She was just what you wrote above - and yes, that might have been a lesson you could have learned elsewhere.  Sometimes your mom is right!  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Excerpt
Just my humble opinion... .

Appreciated!  (along with all the others who have contributed)

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« Reply #17 on: June 27, 2010, 10:13:49 PM »

I think you give our exes WAY too much credit.

What I'm saying is that the universe matched us up - as it possibly did in the past (if you believe in previous lives, etc) - to help our soul learn a valuable lesson.

And I disagree with you saying you could have learned that same lesson some other way (if it was a biggie).  It's possible, granted.  But personally I believe you have to suffer massive pain to experience massive growth - it's unfortunate but true - at least it's one of my current working theories.  I do agree that we don't ask for this - at least not consciously... .

Excerpt
What's the lesson in that other than the obvious - "don't get emotionally involved in girls who are miserable, angry, bitter, abusive alcoholics"?

Have you experienced significant personal growth in response to the above?  No?  Then she was wrong, imo - ie. not your soul mate.  She was just what you wrote above - and yes, that might have been a lesson you could have learned elsewhere.  Sometimes your mom is right!  Smiling (click to insert in post)

T2H,

One life lesson I've learned is that my mom is ALWAYS right... .just ask her! LOL.

I've experienced significant personal growth in different ways as well as a result of my experience with my exBPDgf. To me, that's not part of my definition of being a soul mate. You could make the same case that any violent criminal who inflicts serious trauma on some unsuspecting victim could then be a soul mate if the victim heals and moves past there trauma... .correct? In my opinion, they are nothing more than negative, hurtful mean spirited people who cause harm. I agree that going through the experience of having to deal with the trauma in ones life can lead to growth and learning. I think those lessons can be learned in a more positive, less traumatic experience - years of martial arts training, yoga practice, religious studies, etc. I don't think my martial arts instructor is my soul mate because of the huge impact he's made in my life. He is an incredible positive influence - but not a soul mate.

Yes I've grown a lot, learned many lessons, etc from the abuse my exBPDgf bestowed upon me. I don't view her as my soul mate though. In my mind she is nothing more than a selfish, self-centered mentally ill person who gets off on causing others pain and misery. I do believe in karma which is why she is insignificant in my life now - she spreads such negative bad karma. She is nothing more than a past reminder of my greatest mistake in my life. I had a fork in the road in life and I took the wrong path. I had many set backs, I lost much, but I'm fine now. Had I not met my exBPDgf, who knows what my life would be like now? I would have more, many different experiences, other lessons. Either way I still don't view her as the catalyst for my life's lessons.

-NHBB
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« Reply #18 on: June 27, 2010, 10:46:38 PM »

I don't think my martial arts instructor is my soul mate because of the huge impact he's made in my life. He is an incredible positive influence - but not a soul mate.

But some of what I read would disagree... . which is what I was referring to here... .

Excerpt
Most actually said the person was bad for us (ie. we learn the most through intense suffering), others said that the person could be good or bad.

I understand the prevailing view of 'soul mate' - which is why I found it interesting that I came across the alternate interpretation more often... .

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« Reply #19 on: June 27, 2010, 10:54:54 PM »

Of course, this kind of clarity only comes with hindsight. From really, really far away!
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« Reply #20 on: June 28, 2010, 03:44:45 AM »

She is nothing more than a past reminder of my greatest mistake in my life. I had a fork in the road in life and I took the wrong path. I had many set backs, I lost much, but I'm fine now

Hey Beach! I really liked this phrase and pretty much sums up where I'm at too. It's been awhile since my last post and don't want to hijack this thread. Maybe I'll start my own for an update.

Good to see an old timer... .haha!  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #21 on: June 28, 2010, 06:36:10 AM »

I don't think my martial arts instructor is my soul mate because of the huge impact he's made in my life. He is an incredible positive influence - but not a soul mate.

But some of what I read would disagree... . which is what I was referring to here... .

Excerpt
Most actually said the person was bad for us (ie. we learn the most through intense suffering), others said that the person could be good or bad.

I understand the prevailing view of 'soul mate' - which is why I found it interesting that I came across the alternate interpretation more often... .

T2H,

All depends upon how you want to interpret a "soul mate" I suppose. The issue I have is that I truly believe my exBPDgf did stuff to intentionally cause damage and harm - not help teach. She did a lot of really bad crap with a lot of decptive forethought - even now with her ridiculous pseudo-stalking crap at my gym(s)... .trying to provoke, instigate, whatever. I would agree that we encounter a few people in our lives that have made a significant impact such as my martial arts teacher, maybe a drill sargent or other mentor if you are in the military, perhaps a mentor you met at work or in college, etc. I think people like that challenge you with the intention of helping prepare you, making you successful, etc. Then there are others like my exBPDgf who want nothing more than to tear us down with the hopes and intentions of destroying us. Yes - I agree most have learned valuable lessons but not in a good way. I would classify them in the same category as a violent criminal - they are able to have a severe impact in our lives but I wouldn't consider them a soul mate. I think I share a deep common bond with some on the nook because we were going through our break ups at a similar time and went through a lot of life changing events. I think they get it, we share some similar really bad experiences and we've been able to help each other through some of the worst times in our lives. I wouldn't say they are my soul mates but they are people that I trust and can rely on and turn to for advice. Kind of like some people are in my "inner circle" of friends and others are peripheral... .I may see them every once in a while.

Quote from: szia


Of course, this kind of clarity only comes with hindsight. From really, really far away!

Szia,

Absolutely... .you can't see the forest if you're standing one foot in front of a tree! Distance and time = clarity! Smiling (click to insert in post)


Quote from: thomaso61
She is nothing more than a past reminder of my greatest mistake in my life. I had a fork in the road in life and I took the wrong path. I had many set backs, I lost much, but I'm fine now

Hey Beach! I really liked this phrase and pretty much sums up where I'm at too. It's been awhile since my last post and don't want to hijack this thread. Maybe I'll start my own for an update.

Good to see an old timer... .haha!  grin

THOMAS! S'up? Been a while... .hope all is well with you. I'll drop you a PM in a bit and get you caught up the past year or so. It is good to see another old timer. Smiling (click to insert in post)

-NHBB
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« Reply #22 on: June 28, 2010, 07:37:11 AM »

I read Eat, Pray, Love before I met the pwBPD in my life and then again when we were in NC.

I thought this quote from the book was really powerful on the second read-through:

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master... ."

— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia)

Based on the author's definition, the pwBPD in my life was so very much a soul mate.

I'm pretty much recovered, but I think I will always think of him that way, in a fond, bittersweet, sad sort of way.

VanessaG
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« Reply #23 on: June 28, 2010, 08:06:18 AM »

i have learned that the world is cruel, people are in constant pain, and some people actually don't have a soul/conscience.  hmmm.  fabulous.

I think you give our exes WAY too much credit

I agree, and it's the "credit" that rankles. By behaving like an utter ___ she has taught me a lesson for sure. I understand this. I've learnt about PDs, I've learnt about my trying to control things I can't, for sure I have learnt. But calling them a "soul mate" and giving them credit or even thanking them... .my god! This was not a friendly lesson, this was an assault on my being!

Should I thank my employers for sacking me cos he taught me how to economise?

I do appreiciate it IS a lesson, but really, she gets no positive credit from me. She deliberately hurt me and disrespected me and deserves nothing but my derision.

It is US that deserve the credit. We lived thru it, we got out and now we analyse and learn lessons from it. Many people will date a BPD and never get to therapy or a messageboard. They may have provided the stimulus but the lesson was ours to learn and its all to our credit. Nothing to do with them.
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« Reply #24 on: June 28, 2010, 03:13:23 PM »

I read Eat, Pray, Love before I met the pwBPD in my life and then again when we were in NC.

I thought this quote from the book was really powerful on the second read-through:

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

[... .]

Thanks for posting that Vanessa! That's exactly what I mean.

It is US that deserve the credit. We lived thru it, we got out and now we analyse and learn lessons from it. Many people will date a BPD and never get to therapy or a messageboard. They may have provided the stimulus but the lesson was ours to learn and its all to our credit. Nothing to do with them.

Hey TS - didn't mean to upset any of you with my thread - or discount the pain/suffering that you've gone through at the hands of your ex.  I think there's some confusion here - I'm not giving them credit for *doing* anything - and I'm not saying we should thank them for all the healing/growth/etc that we've all put in a lot of time/effort/energy to do ourselves.  But I disagree - it does have something to do with them - if they weren't in our lives - we wouldn't be here growing/learning/improving.  Vanessa's post is what I've been saying that I read more often than a SM is this one beautiful perfect person for you (which is how our ex's likely meant it - in that way, they were wrong).

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« Reply #25 on: June 28, 2010, 03:23:21 PM »

Excerpt
Thanks for posting that Vanessa! That's exactly what I mean.

I flew right past the stuff about soul mate the first time I read it, and the second time through, in the midst of the BPD breakup and NC, and lots of crying and wondering, I just kept reading that section over and over and over again.

In fact I folded over the corner and went back and read it several times.

I wouldn't say I'm grateful to have my heart ripped out and stomped on repeatedly, but damn, it sure did show me a side of myself that I needed to get to know.

It's an excellent book, really.  Maybe more of a chick book than a guy's read, but for the strong, sensitive types we have on bpdfamily.com, it might be worth checking out.   Smiling (click to insert in post)

VanessaG
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« Reply #26 on: June 28, 2010, 03:32:07 PM »

for the strong, sensitive types

<------------   Smiling (click to insert in post)  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I've heard about the book for awhile and considered getting it - but read some reviews about the author being fairly self-centered - I've just had two relationships with women where that was the case, so I figured I'd give it some more time.  ;p

Apparently more recently a guy wrote: Drink, Play, F@#k (!)

Excerpt
I wouldn't say I'm grateful to have my heart ripped out and stomped on repeatedly, but damn, it sure did show me a side of myself that I needed to get to know.

Yep.   x

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Manon46
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« Reply #27 on: June 28, 2010, 03:57:39 PM »

Soulmates... a perfect match...

That's what he was... but he couldn't stay... it was a reflection of all what I had and still have in me.

Is it mirroring... I found very often that he used my words, my opinions, my hobby's, it was like if he couldn't get up with something of his own.

We could dance like nobody could, we won prizes, we were perfect.

It takes two to tango, so he had some same skills as I had, but what I most felt that he wanted to be like me, desperately wanted to be what I was.

What I learned was that there were a lot of walls to tear down, there was a lot of hurt beneath the surface, and yes I felt he came into my life to ease the pain, to finally give me what I never received before.

He was my prince on the white horse, but he fell off, I didn't, I drove on... He couldn't face his own fears, couldn't face his own pain, and sometimes I felt he was stealing of me, kinda strange feeling, like he judged everything I did, but than took it as if it was his own.

The fact is that now, I will see everyone as he/she is, not my thoughts of what some one is, i.e. I want some one to be what I want.

But I build up some new walls too, and my vision feels very clear... I realy don't want a person anymore who wants exactly what I want or do.

I don't want an reflection of myself anymore, I often thought... geez... can't you think of your own.

So yes I learned a lot, He forced me to look inside, to see who I am, to get to know myself, and when I did, I finally saw what he was...

I don't want a soulmate anymore, I want some one who knows who he is, and what he wants.

Yes he was a teacher in his way, without even knowing it, and no one was ever able to do that, I do wonder what our role was than in their lifes... were we teachers or do we have to rip some ones heart out also?

Is their role in life only to teach and not to be tought... who are the blessed ones than... x

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« Reply #28 on: June 28, 2010, 04:09:02 PM »

I read Eat, Pray, Love before I met the pwBPD in my life and then again when we were in NC.

I thought this quote from the book was really powerful on the second read-through:

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

[... .]

Thanks for posting that Vanessa! That's exactly what I mean.

It is US that deserve the credit. We lived thru it, we got out and now we analyse and learn lessons from it. Many people will date a BPD and never get to therapy or a messageboard. They may have provided the stimulus but the lesson was ours to learn and its all to our credit. Nothing to do with them.

Hey TS - didn't mean to upset any of you with my thread - or discount the pain/suffering that you've gone through at the hands of your ex.  I think there's some confusion here - I'm not giving them credit for *doing* anything - and I'm not saying we should thank them for all the healing/growth/etc that we've all put in a lot of time/effort/energy to do ourselves.  But I disagree - it does have something to do with them - if they weren't in our lives - we wouldn't be here growing/learning/improving.  Vanessa's post is what I've been saying that I read more often than a SM is this one beautiful perfect person for you (which is how our ex's likely meant it - in that way, they were wrong).

Hiya

I know of course you didn't mean to upset me Smiling (click to insert in post) And I do understand your point. I guess I am not healed enough to give that woman credit for anything positive in my life or to think of her as a teacher. Of course our experiences teach us but I think many go thru life just fine without having a BPD relationship. I realise I was targetted and I realise that I had to change but it rankles me too much to give her credit. I was badly hurt and my ego took an almighty bang which almost cost me my job. That it didn't and i survive is where I congratulate myself and I think i'd rather focus on that, than glorifying her role in it. I do understand what you are saying and like I say, im just not feeling so charitable as to give her any credit for anything. Maybe one day when the pain has lessened further I might be more generous.

I always take it as read that we all here do not mean to upset one another, so don't worry I was not offended.
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« Reply #29 on: June 28, 2010, 04:14:10 PM »

Did you ever see those engraved heart pendants you could buy at state fairs, etc.? A quarter-sized blank disc shaped like a metal heart would have room for two names, yours and someone else's.  Then it would be cut in 1/2 with jagged edges that would match up when you put two together, to complete each name -- and it came with 2 chains so that each of the couple could wear one.  They would have bought tangible evidence of the person who makes them whole, that they do that for each other.

Are we discussing soul mates in this context?  Would that mean painting them white?  If we use the phrase, are we setting ourselves up to struggle with an expectation, a romantic ideal?

Or is it merely someone who makes a (predestined?) profound impact on our lives?  A list of someones?
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