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Author Topic: Why do they try to get us back - why don't they just move on?  (Read 1748 times)
pbles
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« on: June 29, 2010, 06:54:42 PM »

I don't know if anyone has any valid theories but I'm wondering why BPD's just don't move it.

It seems that in reading some of the posts, even when the BPD-ex has moved on with other partner (sucker) they still try to win us back or hoo-ver.

I ended my relationship after getting to the point that i couldn't take any more.  Still hurts like hell but I know I've done the right thing.  After 11 weeks, he's still trying to get me to meet with him for coffee despite being on dating sites and, obviously, dating.

I can assume he's lonely and that's why but it also seems that other people's exs have moved on but still keep trying?

Any theories?
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T2H
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« Reply #1 on: June 29, 2010, 07:04:48 PM »



They don't want to be alone.  So they need backups - in case the new one doesn't work out.

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It_seemed_fine
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« Reply #2 on: June 29, 2010, 07:40:34 PM »

They don't want to be alone.  So they need backups - in case the new one doesn't work out.

I think we all have "back-ups" or contingency plans in one form or another.  And while I agree to some extent that one of the purposes that they keep us is for contingency reasons, I think (at least in my experience so far with my stbxBPDw (strong N factor)),  is that they want to feel two things: 1) That they still hold some (or a lot) of attraction for them (makes them feel comfortable knowing they could manipulate you further if needed in the future); and 2) It seems that they want to exert some "pain" or other emotional distress on the NON.  Maybe to make us understand the feelings of pain and inadequacy that they have. 

It seems almost to me that since she feels "not worthy," (heard it from her too many times) that she actually does miss me (although more in a materialistic sense), but doesn't want to be held accountable for what she does because of her self-loathing.

Of course, the option is always there that she is only thinking "If I can't have him, I want him to feel miserable not having me."  As a note, after she found that I had a girlfriend, she stepped up her "niceness" and meaningless contacts.

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« Reply #3 on: June 29, 2010, 08:15:47 PM »

Excerpt
Any theories?

Their ultimate goal is not love. Their ultimate goal is the *longing* for love. Their disorder is a process of seductive, clinging and hating behaviors that run on a continual loop.  Depending on how strong your boundaries are- that loop becomes more defined.  Precise boundaries cement the change of seasons for them. Hating behaviors turn quickly to seduction again when they think you are a challenge. It's that LONGING for love that they live for. Once they have you- it's back to clinging and hating. Borderline personality is a disorder that appears like love- but is actually loathesome fear for the BPD.

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« Reply #4 on: June 29, 2010, 08:34:44 PM »



Maybe it is the kind of week I have had... .maybe it is true... .  but right now, I believe truly in them simply always needing one excuse after another - one person after another. 

I believe at some stage, they probably justify they dont need/have anyone by isolating themselves and victimising themselves - eg use langauge to themselves like "I dont deserve it" etc.  They then switch to going from one person to another - and never letting go/discarding one person til they have another.

We really are stupid to have allowed ourselves to be those people's disposable friend/lovers.  Thats how I feel - disposable.

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DAS
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« Reply #5 on: June 29, 2010, 08:40:34 PM »

Not all of them try to get us back... .
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pbles
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« Reply #6 on: June 30, 2010, 12:48:34 AM »

Excerpt
Any theories?

Their ultimate goal is not love. Their ultimate goal is the *longing* for love. Their disorder is a process of seductive, clinging and hating behaviors that run on a continual loop. 

But if it's the longing that they live for, why don't they just long for someone else. 

Excerpt
Any theories?

Hating behaviors turn quickly to seduction again when they think you are a challenge. I

Wouldn't the "challenge" they get be more "challenging" with someone else?  I would have thought that the challenge of a new person would be more of  challenge than to get the old one back.  Unless it was the game that was the excitement?

They then switch to going from one person to another - and never letting go/discarding one person til they have another.

But then from stories i read here, they still keep after you even after they have another.

Excerpt
Any theories?

Borderline personality is a disorder that appears like love- but is actually loathesome fear for the BPD.

I'm still under the impression that my ex "loved" me - his version of love anyway, which was "you're prettier, smarter, etc, etc than anyone else I've had (his words not mine) so I like having you around because it makes me feel good about myself - as long as you keep me entertained".

Does anyone also think that maybe they also pick "out of their league" then hate you because of this.  It seems to me in reading a lot of everyone's stories that that might be the case.  (Don't mean to sound vain but I know mine was very rough around the edges and I like to think I'm an elegant type of person.  From what i can gather all his past girls were beer-swilling loudmouths.  His ex was a potty-mouthed nutter (although he may have driven her that way!)  Something I'm definitely not.

He also seemed to get really jealous - of other people and I even think he was jealous that I got on with his kids.  He never said as much but I got the distinct feeling that he did so I had to curb that too - although not too much as then he'd say I wasn't attentive enough and lose it over that.

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« Reply #7 on: June 30, 2010, 01:35:50 AM »

I stupidly stuck around as back up for 19 months, although I never went back.  He has moved in with his fiance now to their new house and up until 3 weeks ago after I decided to stop the crazy he was never leaving me alone.  I used to ask myself the same question... .why the hell wont he just move on?  I asked him this on several occasions.  His fiance is very well-to-do and very rich, she bought him and his children a huge house in a very expensive area that they have just moved into.  He has said on various occasions that he doesnt know why she is with him as he is a bit rough around the edges and a bad boy.  He would beg me to come back, when I said why he would reply, I dont want to get to know anyone else, you know how to handle me she doesnt.  My ex never told me he loved me when we were together, once apart the love for me then kicked in with such force it blew me away.  I have over 2000 emails, texts, love cds, letters etc etc of such undying love it is farsical.  He constantly tells me he thinks of me 24/7, he cannot let me go, he feels like a love-sick teenager, he `talks` to me through his bathroom mirror hoping I will hear him subconsiously , he cannot handle me dating anyone else it sends him absolutely off the rails. This is all going on whilst he is building a committed and long term relationship with his fiance... .this is pure crazy making behaviour.  The day he moved in to his new house was the day I stopped the crazy, I no longer am a part of a triangulation (read definition).  I am no longer his back up.  I feel for his fiance, she has absolutely no idea what lies beneath her future husband.  He tells me he wears his mask of happiness when he is with his fiance... .I dont know... .is it a mask of unhappiness he wears with me to keep me hooked or is it a mask of happiness to keep the fiance hooked... .whatever it is it is crazy... .period.
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T2H
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« Reply #8 on: June 30, 2010, 02:09:27 AM »

But if it's the longing that they live for, why don't they just long for someone else.

It's easier when someone has been 'primed' - or has shown a willingness to do the dance.

Excerpt
Wouldn't the "challenge" they get be more "challenging" with someone else?

Push/pull - with the same person.

Excerpt
I would have thought that the challenge of a new person would be more of  challenge than to get the old one back.  Unless it was the game that was the excitement?

It's not about "the chase" - it's about keeping people in the right spot - not too far, not too close.

Excerpt
But then from stories i read here, they still keep after you even after they have another.

Some do, some don't.  :)epends on several factors.

Excerpt
I'm still under the impression that my ex "loved" me - his version of love anyway, which was "you're prettier, smarter, etc, etc than anyone else I've had (his words not mine) so I like having you around because it makes me feel good about myself - as long as you keep me entertained".

Words are just that.  He could say that to anyone.  The comments about you may be true objectively - but that's unlikely the reason he said them to you.

Excerpt
Does anyone also think that maybe they also pick "out of their league" then hate you because of this.

They seem to, in one way or another - but regardless of looks, elegance, IQ, etc - you're already out of their league by being mentally healthy.  It does seem that some of the women corroborate your description - but for some of the men (including me), in many superficial ways, they were out of our league (mine had high level government officials and heads of law firms hitting on her - one of them for a year+).  Could depend on low vs high functioning too.

The 'picking you then hating you for being too good' is the loathing that 2010 mentioned (I think).  You're both the source of pleasure and pain - and he has very little control over that.

Excerpt
He also seemed to get really jealous

Many unhealthy people have issues with that.

Excerpt
then he'd say I wasn't attentive enough and lose it over that.

They will find any reason to do so, when they feel like it.

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Koro
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« Reply #9 on: July 04, 2010, 06:17:29 AM »

Their disorder is a process of seductive, clinging and hating behaviors that run on a continual loop.  Depending on how strong your boundaries are- that loop becomes more defined.  Precise boundaries cement the change of seasons for them. Hating behaviors turn quickly to seduction again when they think you are a challenge. It's that LONGING for love that they live for. Once they have you- it's back to clinging and hating. Borderline personality is a disorder that appears like love- but is actually loathesome fear for the BPD.

I'm a 100% with you in this.

GREAT post. Just an addendum: Hence; they are unable to feel real love for someone.
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