SELF ASSESSMENT | Are you in touch with your needs and wants?

[BMama]

This is a good poll.

I'd say that there are things I want, but don't know how to ask for them, or I feel like I'm demanding them rather than they are things that people would naturally want and know how to ask for if they are of a healthier mind.

Did that make sense?

There are some things within my control.  For example.  I want to be 50 pounds lighter.  No one can do that for me.  So, I've been going to the gym 5-6 times a week for the entire summer.  Took me three months to lose only 10 pounds... .so I have to be in this for the long haul.  I am hoping that once I give this to myself, it will be easier to ask of others what I need from them.

I think it comes from within yourself first, though.

[picturelady]

This is very helpful - thanks!

I used to be a 2 - antidependent - still struggle with that some but am also a 5 - learning to ask.

PictureLady

[qcarolr]

I think right now I am a 'mixed' - mixed up that is. I am both 'dependent' and 'antidependent'. I step back and wait for someone else to take care of something, then it doesn't get done so I end up doing it with lots of resentment and anger. Yet I want to be very in control of how EVERYTHING is done. The past couple of weeks I have been kind of explosive around my house - who has BPD?  I need to truly let go of some things and allow others in my household to mange these 100% - resist that urge to go back to do it over to my standards or criticize how it was done. Need to just be joyful it was done.

A friend today asked me who was important to me, in order of importance. I said, myself-gd6-hd-dd25. THen she asked - what about the 2 puppies driving me to distraction? Well, tho the dogs seem to really love me I could easily do without them. So she asked why am I the one doing so much to take care of them. Let the family members that chose to get them do the taking care of. And guess what - DD took her 54lb. pup with her to the park to spend the night with her homeless friends, and Dh is taking the 8lb. pup out tonight. So I am left with more energy to care for gd6, who has a sore throat and sore stitches from the little puppy bite on her face. And since she is starting to cry in bed, guess my time at bpdfamily.com is done for tonight.

qcr xoxo

WOW, what an eye-opener today. My life is just not better, maybe worse with the same crap as in August. Just can't seem to stand up to DD25 to protect my needs in the face of her tremendous bullying about her wants. Since she is able to live in our home, when she chooses to be here, her needs are pretty much taken care of. The rest is what she wants.

How do I get the strength and courage to take care of myself and gd6 in this home? I keep looking to someone outside my home to do this for me - police, ER, mental health center staff. I just don't look to DD to take care of herself here. Kind of the veil or FOG of the holiday season also gives a sense of urgency to postpone any confrontation. I need to DD to be a visitor in my home, not a resident. Then if she is not able to follow the rules for respectfulness, she can legally be asked to leave immediately. I need to tell her this deadline and be prepared to get a court ordered eviction. Have to let her choose. I know what I need to do.

Still mixed --

qcr xoxo

[schwing]

I have experienced all of these over the course of my life.

1. Too Dependent. I know my needs or wants but expect other people to take care of them for me, and I wait, expecting them to know to do so as I do not take care of them myself.

This describes my "style" when I was attached to my xBPDgf, and probably also as a child growing up in my Family of Origin (FOO).  I think that as a child, I was discouraged from seeing to my own needs (I certainly wasn't taught by good example), or in exerting my own independence because that would trigger my mother's fear of abandonment.  And when I was very enmeshed with my xBPDgf, I remember almost obsessing over her "issues" while neglecting my own.  And indeed my fantasy would be that when she got "settled" she would be able to reciprocate.  She never got "settled."  Moreover, the less stable she was, the more I would struggle to put out the fires.  And as I became more conscious that this was a very dysfunctional dynamic, she soon found a replacement for me.

2. Antidependent. I am able to acknowledge to myself that I have needs and wants, but I try to meet them myself and am unable to accept help or guidance from anyone else. I'd rather go without the thing needed or wanted than be vulnerable and ask for help.

This describes my "style" prior to becoming enmeshed with my xBPDgf and to some degree how I function now.  Being vulnerable is like pulling my own teeth.  This would be made worse by selecting for confidants people who are unable to recognize my vulnerability.  I remember alternating between (1) and (2) as if I would force myself to live in an emotional desert until I was dying of such "thirst" that I would latch myself onto the most inappropriate kind of person (ie, a pwBPD).  It is my endeavor to find a middle ground between these two styles.

3. Needless and Wantless. Although I have needs or wants, I am not aware of them.

This describes me when I "live" in my head (ie, intellect).  I have been so disconnected from my own needs and wants that there were times that I deluded myself into believing that I had no such emotional requirements; this was not true.  I was just so disconnected from my feelings that I was not sensitive to what they might be.  I see this also as my state of being after being traumatized, such as immediately after my BPD relationship ended.

4. Confused between Needs and Wants. I know what I want and I get it, but I don't know what I need. For example, I try to take care of my needs that I'm unaware of by buying everything I want. Though I may need physical nurturing, I buy some new clothes instead.

This also describes some of my routine challenges.  I consider myself lazy when it comes to self-care.  Or I am all to willing to set aside my own needs and wants in order to meet someone else's needs and wants.  Taking care of myself is like pulling teeth.  One habit I have, is after finding a new source of stimulation, such as finding a new hiking path, or a new creative outlet, is then I would depend too much on that one outlet.  Rather than continuing with exploring new sources, I would lean on the "tried and true" sources.  This is like realizing that I like X brand of cereal and then for months on end only eating brand X.  And all that time I am thinking I am meeting my own needs/wants by repeating what once was a nice stimulation.  The truth is, I starve myself of new stimulations too often.  

I see this kind of habit as falling under this category because I confuse myself by being unable to acknowledge that my needs and wants are subject to change.  The more time I spend "in my head" the more likely I am to make a big mistake such as this.

5. Aware of and Able to Act Appropriately on Needs and Wants. I am aware of my needs and wants and am able to act in an appropriate way to meet them, either independently or through healthy, mutual relationships.

I would like to think that I fall into this style once in a while.  It is, however, like pulling teeth to stay in this style of functioning.  And it is embarrassing sometimes to realize that this is so, but it is what it is.  So it is helpful to acknowledge that this is part of my recovery process.

Schwing

P.S.  You'd think that after pulling so many teeth, I'd be toothless by now.

[diotima]

Rather than continuing with exploring new sources, I would lean on the "tried and true" sources.  This is like realizing that I like X brand of cereal and then for months on end only eating brand X.  And all that time I am thinking I am meeting my own needs/wants by repeating what once was a nice stimulation.  The truth is, I starve myself of new stimulations too often.   

Although I have experienced most of what Schwing described in the previous post, I want to single out this one! It speaks volumes. To not provide oneself with new stimulation is to starve oneself. For me, it replays my childhood because my mother had no idea that such things were important and as a defensive measure against the vagaries of the world I internalized this. I took up less and less space in order to be safe from all that my mother feared about the world. This has been a continual battle. Enter BPD: worldly high functioning academic with whom I worked and traveled the world and met so many interesting people. It was a dream come true and I could accompany him. Now I am trying to rebuild this for myself because I know I need all the intellectual stimulation that he provided. I did know this before but I had not developed the skills to provide for it as much as I need to.

So, I am off for a two week trip to France by myself and for part of that I will go to an education retreat at Thich Nhat Hanh's Plum Village. I have lined up two conferences for the Spring and am working on a presentation that hopefully will be accepted for one of them. I am facing quite a few demons that want me to scale down to conform to my childhood shrunk down space where no one will notice me--and hence I won't be a target.

Thanks Scwhing for the post.

Diotima

[Sally12]

Anti-dependent: scared to death to ask for help b/c of fear of ridicule and debasing of my assertion that I've got a need or want to be met.  Thus, I punish myself by anguishing over asking for help, fantasizing about the response being negative, and more general self-punishment for good measure.

confused: I often go shopping when what I really need is a hug, or validation, or praise - thank God for Target! And then I feel guilty for spending money and being environmentally irresponsible for driving all the way there and buying stuff made in unhealthy ways that I don't need anyways.  So I am confused, and then I punish myself.  

and needless and wantless: when the situation calls for it (ie, I'm with my parents, or recently, narcissistic (now ex)boyfriend!)  I go blank and hide behind several well fortified walls, complete with moats when I'm with the parents, and it's still not enough!

This all sounds very depressing, but I'm glad to know it, and I've been working on it, thanks to T.  And now, thanks to this topic, I can renew my resolve to continue to work on getting my needs met in a healthy way with healthy expectations, and stop trying to be invisible and melt into the walls.  

[LeanneJ]

I'm a 2 and have been my entire life, with the exception of my relationship with my husband. He's the first person who's love for me is unquestionable, and that has allowed me to be less guarded, less independent, and to show weakness without fearing the consequences.

Since childhood I've been the fixer, the mediator, the capable and calm one no matter what was thrown at me. I too build sturdy walls around myself: I'm extremely uncomfortable when friends offer compassion or concern, congratulate me on achievements, or thank me for gifts etc. But I'm getting better with age.

[artman.1]

I guess the antidependent is probably the closest to my style.  I have several really important needs that have not been met in my RS with my UBPDW.  The big one is INTIMACY.  She has refused Intimacy in any form, for the last 35 years, and has refused to initiate, or give hugs or intimacy for 40+ years.  She has not told me she loves me for 43 years since our wedding day.  If I even hint about any sort of intimacy needs, she looses it completely and makes a huge scene about my horrible behavior by bringing something like that up.  I very carefully asked her if she loves me this last Thanksgiving time, and she answered that she does not know.  That answer, after 43 years of marriage, means NO! to me, and absolutely NO!, since her behavior, and actions tell me the answer is NO!. 

     All, I can do is work on my Codependent problems, as I am getting stronger, and distancing myself, so I can act properly in my own behalf.

Art

[abovebeyond]

1. Too Dependent. I know my needs or wants but expect other people to take care of them for me, and I wait, expecting them to know to do so as I do not take care of them myself.

- I expect my needs to be met on a realistic level. I try to express my needs. Not so much mind reading needed. 

2. Antidependent. I am able to acknowledge to myself that I have needs and wants, but I try to meet them myself and am unable to accept help or guidance from anyone else. I'd rather go without the thing needed or wanted than be vulnerable and ask for help.

- Check. This one rings truest for me. I try to be very independent, but I love the closeness of a relationship and its benefits. However, I sometimes fear asking for help or support because I don't want to appear vulnerable or needy and instead must fulfill the stereotype of a strong man, even though I know I am sensitive and need help some times. Admitting that is sometimes problematic.



3. Needless and Wantless. Although I have needs or wants, I am not aware of them.

4. Confused between Needs and Wants. I know what I want and I get it, but I don't know what I need. For example, I try to take care of my needs that I'm unaware of by buying everything I want. Though I may need physical nurturing, I buy some new clothes instead.

- I'm not so much like this in the buying material things sense. But when my needs are not met on a consistent basis, I tend to sink myself further into work, hobbies, or other pursuits, while ignoring the problems in the RS.

5. Aware of and Able to Act Appropriately on Needs and Wants. I am aware of my needs and wants and am able to act in an appropriate way to meet them, either independently or through healthy, mutual relationships.

I strive to be like #5, but sometimes fail. I need to work on better communicating my needs to my partner in a clear, nonthreatening, and kind manner.

6. Mixed. Any combination of the others.

I'm a combination of all the above I suppose.

[scallops]

Is there another answer that was left out? None of the above?

I feel I know my needs and wants but I put everyone and everything before my happiness... . I am the giver and I am not the taker... . my friends come to me for help... . I show up with soup or flowers when they are down... .

I buy myself flowers every week when I go grocery shopping... . I don't know what that makes me... . I am happy if my family is happy... . if my children are healthy... . I guess I lack self worth... . I am the mother of all mothers... . I want to make sure everything is good for everyone... . I want to fix everything... . I want to rescue too... .

[vivekananda]

hey Scallops, have you read this?

Karpman Triangle

Vivek  

[scallops]

thanks Vivek ... . that is a good article... . I am going to have to read it a few more times as that is a lot to take in... . thank you for suggesting it... .

[momtario]

I chose both 1 and 2. It may seem paradoxical, but as a result of my refusal to ask for/accept help, there have been times where I have become completely dependent on others to make the hard choices for me. I let situations fester and I procrastinate and I end up with everything in such a tangle that I have in the past had a tendency to simply give up.
Also, as a result of my need to help others whether they ask for help or not, I have difficulty accepting help and difficulty understanding why everyone else doesn't help automatically.

Also, I should mention that I've learned to stand on my own; what I'm writing about is what would come naturally to me.

[Fibrowarrior21]

I had a look at the answers onneeds and wants and cant figure out which one I would come under I have been in this relationship now for nearly 5 years and I dont really have any needs or wants the only thing I need is for my partner to be healthy make sure if hes I'll or anything I take care of him and my only wants are what he really needs or wants as long as hes alright that's all that matters to me his health is more important to me than my life I may need a bit of love and romance in return for all the love and romance and other things I give him