So. He's in full meltdown mode and threatening to burn my things.

[lonelyandstuck]

He told me he needed a break a week ago and hasn't wanted us back since. Now it's my fault bc I should have known that he needed me. The heat is broken so he's starting a bonfire and burning everything that's trash (which means a lot of my stuff that he doesn't like) in the house. At this point I'd rather stay here at my dad's and write off anything of mine that he burns rather than go back and deal with this meltdown.

I haven't seen him in this state in a long time, but it's making me think that it may be time to leave. I DON'T WANT TO, the thought that my daughter will have to grow up as a divorced kid with a vindictive dad who knows no boundaries who may possibly write her off as a loss just to get me out of his life is devastating to me, I'm crying as I'm imagining it right now. This is the last thing that I wanted to happen. I'm so in love with him till something like this happens, and then I feel dead to him.

Being away from everything and the ups and downs of living with him every day and the constant upkeep he requires has been like a vacation, the only part of my day that I don't like is talking to my H. Either he's hateful and depressed or needy and demanding. I got married at 20 and pregnant at 22. If I could go back, knowing what I know now, I would (if it weren't for my daughter, she's the bright light in all of this misery) and I take full responsibility for the burden I've saddled myself with, but I feel like I've reached my limit.

I feel like I'm ducking out bc I vowed to stand by him in sickness, but at what point am I allowed to step out with a clear conscience? I don't know if I can.

[lonelyandstuck]

I'm sorry, I just realized that this doesn't belong on this board. I'm going to copy and paste to Undecided board and then come back and delete this post.

[Steph]

 You can step out/away right now.

Any one of us has the option to stop when we are done, when we have reached out limit.

Personally, I think its less harmful for a child to have divorced parents rather than living with one who is making her life ... and her moms life... miserable... on a daily basis.

  You dont need to go deal with him. You can take him at his word and ask the police to check on him, since he seems to be dangerous at this point.

You can set your boundary and walk away, right now, if you need to.

Steph

[lonelyandstuck]

I don't see an option for deleting my post... .I'm so sorry  I didn't mean to post the same thing on two boards

[lonelyandstuck]

You can step out/away right now.

Any one of us has the option to stop when we are done, when we have reached out limit.

Personally, I think its less harmful for a child to have divorced parents rather than living with one who is making her life ... and her moms life... miserable... on a daily basis.

  You dont need to go deal with him. You can take him at his word and ask the police to check on him, since he seems to be dangerous at this point.

You can set your boundary and walk away, right now, if you need to.

Steph

Thank you... .you're right, it probably would be less harmful to D2 for us to be divorced, since it doesn't look like he's going to be stabilized anytime soon. It's just awful because he HAS tried, he is under the care of a psychiatrist, she has just never heard of BPD and seems to think it's a load of crock.

It's so freeing to realize that this decision is completely mine and that I can pull the plug if I want to. I'm just sad for him and scared for how he's going to react... .I guess I'll start reading through posts over on the disengaging board.

[2010]

he is under the care of a psychiatrist, she has just never heard of BPD and seems to think it's a load of crock.

Did that statement come out of your Husband's mouth or did you actually speak with the Dr. and she made that statement to your face?

If it's the former, then you shouldn't accept it as gospel- if it's the latter, then you need to have the Dr. put that "she has just never heard of BPD and seems to think it's a load of crock." in writing for you.

Mental disorders are diagnosed in accordance with criteria listed in diagnostic manuals, such as the DSM. To say that she has never heard of BPD and then make another statement that the diagnosis is a load of crock are too separate things. Either she's never heard of it- or she *has* heard of it, investigated it and have now come to the conclusion that it's an invalid disorder in the manual. Yes, that very same manual that everyone else in the medical field (her peers) use as a guidebook for diagnosis.

Either way this goes- for this psychiatrist, there has to be a reason for seeing the patient (your Husband) based on certain criteria that allow for treatment to occur.  When a patient presents themselves for treatment, there usually is a question in mind that allows for a solution to the problem to be suggested. You might want to allow yourself some leeway in this, *as a given* that there is something behaviorally wrong with your Husband- and you need to be aware of it. Taking his word of denial of the disorder- is dangerous to your mental well being and future happiness.

[lonelyandstuck]

he is under the care of a psychiatrist, she has just never heard of BPD and seems to think it's a load of crock.

Did that statement come out of your Husband's mouth or did you actually speak with the Dr. and she made that statement to your face?

If it's the former, then you shouldn't accept it as gospel- if it's the latter, then you need to have the Dr. put that "she has just never heard of BPD and seems to think it's a load of crock." in writing for you.

Mental disorders are diagnosed in accordance with criteria listed in diagnostic manuals, such as the DSM. To say that she has never heard of BPD and then make another statement that the diagnosis is a load of crock are too separate things. Either she's never heard of it- or she *has* heard of it, investigated it and have now come to the conclusion that it's an invalid disorder in the manual. Yes, that very same manual that everyone else in the medical field (her peers) use as a guidebook for diagnosis.

Either way this goes- for this psychiatrist, there has to be a reason for seeing the patient (your Husband) based on certain criteria that allow for treatment to occur.  When a patient presents themselves for treatment, there usually is a question in mind that allows for a solution to the problem to be suggested. You might want to allow yourself some leeway in this, *as a given* that there is something behaviorally wrong with your Husband- and you need to be aware of it. Taking his word of denial of the disorder- is dangerous to your mental well being and future happiness.

Okay, she has never heard of BPD. He has been dxed with BPD at one of the first hospitals he went to when he had a breakdown. Just this last time, he was referred to this psychiatrist (at a low income health clinic, it's what we can afford so switching doctors isn't an option) who diagnosed him with bipolar. He says that everytime he brings up the BPD, she said she's never heard of it and needs to look into it. My H knows that he has this disorder, but I think he isn't getting the most out of treatment bc he and his psychiatrist aren't on the same page.

I get the impression that she thinks BPD isn't real because of comments he's said she's made... .like some of the behaviors could be bipolar and other behaviors she thinks are my fault - that's what he said. And it was on a day when he was feeling good and being real with me, so I believe that she said that, especially since he keeps bringing it up in a fight in a way that he believes it to be true. Of course, I have no idea how he speaks in therapy but it's pretty likely he puts a lot of things on me, so she may have good reason to think that a lot of his problem is me.

He is trying, this is my dilemma. He's trying, he's in therapy, he's tried at least five different medications, and nothing seems to help in the long term. I think part of it is that my heart just really isn't into it when it gets difficult... .I don't respond to him in the same way anymore and I think he senses that. I just can't muster up the feelings that I used to unless things are going well. I'm just tired. I don't even want to be at home anymore... .I'm dreading going back.

[2010]

He says she said

because of comments he's said she's made... .

she thinks my fault - that's what he said.

he believes it to be true.

he puts a lot of things on me

nothing seems to help

Your Husband is manipulating you to take the blame and responsibility for himself.  In order to do that he's got to make you take his side on matters and the best way to do that is to triangulate you with his healthcare rather than take responsibility for himself. What you dont know is that you are also giving over responsibility for yourself and your child to someone who is caught up in a losing game. I know you wish to stay on the undecided board, but sooner or later you'll need to make a decision about staying or leaving. Sometimes leaving is the only option. If he is threatening to burn your things- what next? Telling you that the house is cold and he needs heat so he's going to make a bonfire of your personal items is delusional.

You have to lay the cards on the table. No more defused boundaries. You must protect yourself and your daughter.  Yes, your daughter "will have to grow up as a divorced kid with a vindictive dad who knows no boundaries"  but isn't that better than a child growing up with two parents who do not have boundaries?  Show her that you can do it.

Take your time and stay at your folks for now. The clear conscience you wish for will become clearer to you given some space away from the crazy making behaviors.