Have you ever contacted their exes?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I was just wondering, has anyone ever gotten in touch with their pwBPD's former b/f's or g/f's.  I've kinda been wondering if it would be helpful or hurtful to reach out to those people and talk over coffee... .  To know once and for all we weren't the crazy ones and maybe find someone who successfully survived and moved on.

[Mason06]

I was just wondering, has anyone ever gotten in touch with their pwBPD's former b/f's or g/f's.  I've kinda been wondering if it would be helpful or hurtful to reach out to those people and talk over coffee... .  To know once and for all we weren't the crazy ones and maybe find someone who successfully survived and moved on.

[3rdID]

I told my soon to be ex BPDwife I should call her ex husband from 22 yrs ago. She Was married 7. I told her it probably be real interesting to hear his side of the story.  Needless to say she didn't like hearing that and started having diarrhea of the mouth again.

[PotentiallyKevin]

I spent last new years with the BPDexgf's ex. I had written him an apology note because he had tried to warn me about her. He ended calling me that weekend and told me to stop by if I wasn't doing anything. It was relieving as we swapped stories and I got to see that she was the same way with him as she was with me. Ultimate validation.

However, it may not be the smartest move. A lot of the times, dysfunction attracts dysfunction, so be careful. My ex had some pretty shady "friends" and "flings."

[lets]

I have heard through mutual friends not spoken to the ex's but heard the stories... .

The treatment of us is identical... .scary

Trust your gut

[phuzion]

I have thought about it real hard but decided I do not want to open myself up for any drama from her or anyone in her circle.  I have also thought about telling her ex-college lover that she is leading him on saying she just wants to be friends but really wants to have his babies, thinks his marriage will implode, wonders if he thinks of her while having sex with his wife, among other things but you get the point.  But, again, I don't want to open myself up to any drama.

That's not a recommendation, just my own perspective.  We each have to do what we feel is right.  Hopefully, though, we weigh the consequences, like they do not.

Phuz

[brenbabe]

I contacted a friend of my ex's ex . she told me my ex had abused his ex beyond belief , beating her daily for three years.  I didnt find out about any of this until after I ended my relationship with him. He didnt hit me ever. But I am sure if I would have stayed with him, I was going to be physically abused.

[lifeisgoodx10]

I only wish I had contacted his exes earlier. I spoke with three of them and found out that he had lied about so many things. This was after I had left him. If I had contacted them when I first found their names and numbers it would have saved me a couple years!

[kj1234]

I contacted her ex, father of the boy who was my SS, after the grotesque ending of our marriage.  It was a very positive experience for both of us.

During my marriage stbxw didn't want me to speak with him.  At one point she said, "He will tell you terrible things about me and turn you against me."  I was surprised and asked how she could possibly think that someone saying something could turn me against her, didn't she think I knew her by then?  She said, "He is very persuasive and he gets people to believe him."  Sick, sick, sick.  The scary thing is at the time it didn't even cross my mind in any way that there could be terrible things about her.  Boy was I wrong.  I eventually got evidence that it is true that when the devil comes he comes as a wolf in sheep's clothing, though a wolf is much too kind a description.

The frustrating thing now is how well and broadly she painted me black all around the community and now in the legal system, etc., and I had no clue it was happening.  It is scary.  Some people don't believe in evil, so if you are one of them, just ignore my next statement:  This stuff is evil.

[brightstar]

I haven't contacted my ex's ex but considered it many times. He made her out to be an alcoholic, cold, frigid, controlling, terrible mother, workaholic etc and he actually made me cry with sympathy for him with one story... .he was the rock to which his children clung whilst she didn't even provide them with food or clothing! However, his lifelong friend rang me last week! My ex has been satying with him for a month and the friend had finally managed to get some time alone to ring me and find out my side of the story. My ex has said that I threw him out and he has no idea why and that I am insanely jealous of any attention my friends give him! (it was the other way around).

Anyway, talking to his friend for 2 1/2 hours (!) was revelatory. Apparently my ex's ex is a bubbly affectionate and funny woman who worried for the children's safety when she was with my ex. His friend genuinely cares about my ex but says he feels suffocated having him living with him, it is threatening his relationship with his wife and he is watching my ex spin his usual strange stories about be victimised by me, his last boss etc. He helped me realise that I wasn't going mad, I've done the right thing and I need to have NC with my ex. So far I've managed it ok.

I often think about my ex's ex. I'm still one of my ex's daughters contacts on facebook and wegot on very well at the one meeting we had. I've never written to her about all this because she has her own life and doesn't need to be in any way responsible for what her dad does and I don't want to affect her relationship with him (which is strained) but I suspect that she may one day contact me and tell me her and her mum's story. I am guessing that I already know it!

[Butterfly03]

Yes I mostly surely have and i also contacted the next victim the girl he replaced me with... .

I had noticed that my exBPDbf would hide his mobile phone whenever I was with him at the beginning of our relationship he had his phone in my name so I rang up the phone company and was able to track a number that was being called/text at all hours of the day and night so I rang it and surprise surprise it was a female it ended up being his his ex-fiance that he had painted black to me at the time and made out they had no contact whatso ever - we had a very good talk for a while but the silly girl obviously was still wanting him back and to cause problems told him i got in touch with her... .that was the first rage I witnessed from my exBPDbf not a pretty site!

After five years on the rollercoaster of hell the break up make ups I had finally walked and within the same week I was replaced with a single mother with two young boys - I am a single mother of one boy - I felt for this woman and felt no option but to warn her of what lied ahead for her - I stayed friends with my exBPDbf for a little while and once he said to me " I dont love her Im just using her cause she lives close to work - she is handy for a roof over my head, a free feed and sex" I saw red I didnt want to be friends with someone like that and I made my mind up about my letter right there and then she was someone like me so I wrote my letter it was five pages double sided I sent it to her work she received it sent me a thank you text and kicked him out on is ass!     Not long after that i received a letter from my exBPDbf apologising for everything - I knew what he was up to with his BPD games - I read it threw it out and havent looked back!

[2010]

I've kinda been wondering if it would be helpful or hurtful to reach out to those people and talk over coffee... . To know once and for all we weren't the crazy ones and maybe find someone who successfully survived and moved on.

Someone who "successfully moved on" is not going to appreciate being pulled back into the drama. Imagine how unfair that would be to have this disordered human being permanently tatooed on your forehead- giving out your phone number as a reference to future casualties. (Borderlines dont value privacy because they dont understand what it means. There's a reason you know about these other romances as the failure of them was useful to recruit you as "someone special." You were placed on the front burner while this other person was placed on the back and likely switched back and forth without your knowledge.

Borderlines attach themselves to others and cling- like chameleons. In doing so, they forget what colors they've changed over the years. Everything blends together.  That's why personalities fade away in the Borderline mind- they are too busy emulating new hosts. But personalities dont fade away to you, the latest casualty.  That's because the former target was used to lure you, while you were comparing yourself to them- even if you never met them. Information of past victims was given at close range only to attract you- and you and I recorded it in our photographic memories. After all, Borderlines give the impression that they are no longer interested in these people- but the reality is that they are still probably engaged and seeing them, even if it's an email or text. Borderlines do not like to let go of anyone, even if they swear on a stack of bibles that they do.

Finding out that other people were hurt is liberating to the ego. It wasn't just you! But trauma bonding with these victims over your experience is triangulation (read definition) and an invasion of *your* privacy, not to mention theirs.  Some of these people are still thinking that they were loved completely and hold out hope that the Borderline will return, secretly giving you the once over in a competitive fishing expedition for information.  That's done in order to reengage the Borderline later with a phone call, email or a text.  Now, you've got the Borderline back into the game with them.  And God help you if it's *you* doing the calling. How many lies need to be addressed after you talk to another victim?  Will you get mad and call for answers?

Others are so angry that they share your rage and work you up into a tizzy. Like two drunks on a bar stool you can talk out your frustration and share your hate. Perhaps you'll feel better because misery really does love company. Unfortunately when you go home, you may wake up the next day still obsessing. Will you now have a BFF to call on the phone? Highly unlikely and just a little bit incestuous. If you cannot stop thinking about the Borderline and keep obsessing- why would you think that they aren't obsessing and feeling the same way as well? One of you is going to cave and break contact- and when that happens- it will be another betrayal. Do not place confidence in this person.

And finally, sharing your experience with another person who you think went through the same thing does validate you, but it doesn't separate you apart from the disorder. It doesn't get at the reasons why this happened in the first place, why you chose to overlook so many things and why you played your cards the way you did and lost. Everyone has their reasons- and those reasons are as different as all of us.  That's something that needs to be discussed in private, with a professional- not another traumatized human who may or may not be strong enough to protect your best interests.  

This is a disorder. It's not something you caused. It wasn't your fault. You cannot cure it or control it. You can only take the time to work through the pain and move forward in your life- and you don't need the next target calling you in the future and asking you to recite your experience. If you felt obligated to open up your privacy in order to share as a good Samaritan- be aware that the process is going to be on-going, or as they say, you could have a "second career" warning victims. Find some privacy instead. Soon you'll be thankful when you never hear the Borderlines name ever again and that's a good thing.

[Chitowngal]

Yes I mostly surely have and i also contacted the next victim the girl he replaced me with... .

I had noticed that my exBPDbf would hide his mobile phone whenever I was with him at the beginning of our relationship he had his phone in my name so I rang up the phone company and was able to track a number that was being called/text at all hours of the day and night so I rang it and surprise surprise it was a female it ended up being his his ex-fiance that he had painted black to me at the time and made out they had no contact whatso ever - we had a very good talk for a while but the silly girl obviously was still wanting him back and to cause problems told him i got in touch with her... .that was the first rage I witnessed from my exBPDbf not a pretty site!

After five years on the rollercoaster of hell the break up make ups I had finally walked and within the same week I was replaced with a single mother with two young boys - I am a single mother of one boy - I felt for this woman and felt no option but to warn her of what lied ahead for her - I stayed friends with my exBPDbf for a little while and once he said to me " I dont love her Im just using her cause she lives close to work - she is handy for a roof over my head, a free feed and sex" I saw red I didnt want to be friends with someone like that and I made my mind up about my letter right there and then she was someone like me so I wrote my letter it was five pages double sided I sent it to her work she received it sent me a thank you text and kicked him out on is ass!     Not long after that i received a letter from my exBPDbf apologising for everything - I knew what he was up to with his BPD games - I read it threw it out and havent looked back!

Butterfly, your story TOTALLY inspires me.  Thank you for sharing.

[Chitowngal]

I've kinda been wondering if it would be helpful or hurtful to reach out to those people and talk over coffee... . To know once and for all we weren't the crazy ones and maybe find someone who successfully survived and moved on.

Someone who "successfully moved on" is not going to appreciate being pulled back into the drama. Imagine how unfair that would be to have this disordered human being permanently tatooed on your forehead- giving out your phone number as a reference to future casualties. (Borderlines dont value privacy because they dont understand what it means. There's a reason you know about these other romances as the failure of them was useful to recruit you as "someone special." You were placed on the front burner while this other person was placed on the back and likely switched back and forth without your knowledge.

Borderlines attach themselves to others and cling- like chameleons. In doing so, they forget what colors they've changed over the years. Everything blends together.  That's why personalities fade away in the Borderline mind- they are too busy emulating new hosts. But personalities dont fade away to you, the latest casualty.  That's because the former target was used to lure you, while you were comparing yourself to them- even if you never met them. Information of past victims was given at close range only to attract you- and you and I recorded it in our photographic memories. After all, Borderlines give the impression that they are no longer interested in these people- but the reality is that they are still probably engaged and seeing them, even if it's an email or text. Borderlines do not like to let go of anyone, even if they swear on a stack of bibles that they do.

Finding out that other people were hurt is liberating to the ego. It wasn't just you! But trauma bonding with these victims over your experience is triangulation (read definition) and an invasion of *your* privacy, not to mention theirs.  Some of these people are still thinking that they were loved completely and hold out hope that the Borderline will return, secretly giving you the once over in a competitive fishing expedition for information.  That's done in order to reengage the Borderline later with a phone call, email or a text.  Now, you've got the Borderline back into the game with them.  And God help you if it's *you* doing the calling. How many lies need to be addressed after you talk to another victim?  Will you get mad and call for answers?

Others are so angry that they share your rage and work you up into a tizzy. Like two drunks on a bar stool you can talk out your frustration and share your hate. Perhaps you'll feel better because misery really does love company. Unfortunately when you go home, you may wake up the next day still obsessing. Will you now have a BFF to call on the phone? Highly unlikely and just a little bit incestuous. If you cannot stop thinking about the Borderline and keep obsessing- why would you think that they aren't obsessing and feeling the same way as well? One of you is going to cave and break contact- and when that happens- it will be another betrayal. Do not place confidence in this person.

And finally, sharing your experience with another person who you think went through the same thing does validate you, but it doesn't separate you apart from the disorder. It doesn't get at the reasons why this happened in the first place, why you chose to overlook so many things and why you played your cards the way you did and lost. Everyone has their reasons- and those reasons are as different as all of us.  That's something that needs to be discussed in private, with a professional- not another traumatized human who may or may not be strong enough to protect your best interests.  

This is a disorder. It's not something you caused. It wasn't your fault. You cannot cure it or control it. You can only take the time to work through the pain and move forward in your life- and you don't need the next target calling you in the future and asking you to recite your experience. If you felt obligated to open up your privacy in order to share as a good Samaritan- be aware that the process is going to be on-going, or as they say, you could have a "second career" warning victims. Find some privacy instead. Soon you'll be thankful when you never hear the Borderlines name ever again and that's a good thing.

GOOD GOD I LOVE YOUR POSTS 2010!

I almost always feel so much stronger and powerful in my healing and my personal journey through all of this after reading your posts.  Thank you so much for such awesome insight.  You are most certainly going on my gratitude list tonight!

Jeez, I almost want to print that out and put it up near my desk!

My chest feels lighter.

BIG SIGH

-CTG

[brightstar]

2010... .that was a brilliant reply and one that I will probably reread a few times. As the days go by and I stick to my NC, my thoughts fluctuate but one thing I have consistently felt was that my ex's ex is hopefully getting on with her life and if she ever wanted to contact me, I'd be happy to talk but I feel that her 26 years of coping with our ex probably means that she just wants to be free to try and move on and perhaps the last thing she would need is all her bad experiences being dredged up again. If she can move on after that length of time and two children with him... .that alone gives me strength.

I'm working on being able to have a meet ups with my friends where his name doesn't get mentioned once and eventually whole weeks when I don't feel down or ponder what happened. If that doesn't happen... .I have a really good therapist that I can make an appointment with!

[Tincup]

I would have loved contacting the ex.  But I have to be honest in that even if I contacted the ex now I would be afraid what she would do if she found out... .and we have been broken up for two months.  I think the contact would set her into a rage like I have never seen.  I truly believe that is the worst THING that I could ever do to her... .

On another note, on the night she broke up with me SHE mentioned that she wished she had talked to my ex wife before she got so attached to me... .

[goldenblunder]

Someday, i'll probably run into ex-husband number 1 because we are in the same profession.  There have been times that I have thought about calling him because I thought it might be interesting to share stories.  But I am sure that he has found a way to move on, so I am not going to bother him.

[kj1234]

My ex's ex has thanked me several times for the conversations we had.  For eight years he was wondering what he did wrong, what he could have done differently, why he was so brutally separated from his children all those years, why people who were once friends cut him off, etc., etc.  To some extent he had given up on the relationships with his own children and only hoped in time as adults they would continue to see things differently.

Mind you, mine is the waif type and this may make things a little different from one who rages regularly.  My stbxw was EXTREMELY secretive and duplicitous.  Even after many years I only knew something wasn't just right with her, but had no idea what it was and always had sympathy for her.  Now, after what she did to me, her sons see the whole thing with their own father in a different light.  He finally decided they were old enough to know about the extramarital affairs he had caught her in, the abuse, lying, etc.  Prior to that he had not said anything because he didn't think it would be good for the children to think badly about their own mother.

Last I heard, his relationship with all his sons has been improving steadily during the time since the scumbucket whore set me up and hacked me down brutally for her own convenience.  People who have not been through it can't really imagine what it is all like.  So, overall I am sure contacting ex's ex was positive for both of us.  I am still dealing with extremely brutal legal consequences and damage to my reputation that is difficult to fix.  At some point I will probably not have any more contact with ex's ex, or maybe I have already had the last contact with him.  I don't know.  Or I may subpoena him to testify in some of the legal drama.

[Mason06]

Thank you all for your input.  2010, as always you've given me a lot to think about.  I had considered the fact that reaching out may be unfair to some who did in fact find a way to move on.  After finding a way to put him behind them they probably don't want to dredge up stuff with me.  I've also thought about the drama triangle and how reaching out may suck me back in to the drama even if it is indirectly.

In one sense I feel lucky because one of the ex's accused him of having BPD and he shared this info with me so early on in our relationship.  I think I would've been lost otherwise if I didn't at least have that as a starting point when things began getting crazy.  Maybe, in a way, an ex has already helped me.  Hopefully he'll continue to share that story with each new relationship--it will give them a small chance of regaining their sanity and self-esteem again.

[Mystic]

Contact his ex?  I'd sooner chew glass.  She's bat**** crazy.  Cyber stalked me, my kids, my friends. 

Still detoxing from this past year's journey into Crazyland. 

Best quote I saw today... ."Lean forward.  The future lies that way". 

Shaking the dust from my feet... .   

[BillP]

Contact his ex?  I'd sooner chew glass.  She's bat**** crazy.  Cyber stalked me, my kids, my friends. 

Still detoxing from this past year's journey into Crazyland. 

Best quote I saw today... ."Lean forward.  The future lies that way". 

Shaking the dust from my feet... .   

Great quote! Chew glass, ouch!

I'd rather shag missiles at the missile range then speak even one word to the ex. I don't hate the ex, but I jst can't allow that souless hole, one more second of my attention, let alone breathe!

[kj1234]

I think what has made the contact a positive thing for ex's ex is all about his children, two of whom are grown.  The third lived with me as my SS and bioF has been very interested in what went on with his son during our marriage.  He even thanked me for caring for him.  SS still lives with stbxw and is back to not communicating with his bioF, but overall bioF says the contact with me has been very good for him.

[anker]

XBPDbf's ex is recycled. She's wth him now. Poor girl. She is in denial of his isssues now. I have no interest in contacting her. She'll learn. Eventually.

XNPDbf's ex (from after me) has kept in touch with me. She's a good woman. We talk once or twice a year. That guy put us both though hell and not many people who hadn't been there would understand it.

[kj1234]

That guy put us both though hell and not many people who hadn't been there would understand it.

That's the real challenge.  When the ties are broken it seems to make perfect sense to just go NC, move on and hope the damage is not so bad.  When you are in a legal situation, as many of us are, the failure of others to understand can continue to do severe damage.  When the truth is so much stranger than the fiction, the filthy pwBPD, especially if helped by an unethical L, can keep playing the game.

stbxw's ex has been very supportive, but so far he has stopped short of helping me in some ways.  His position, understandable, is that his main interests are his sons and his relationship with them.  He is making great progress in that area and does not want anyone to know the extent to which we have communicated.  He could probably be a big help to me in the legal matters, but he fears the consequences of acting against his sons' mother.