Take the Pledge

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The Staying Board Pledge

Please take the pledge (check the items in the survey) and tell us you next near term goal.

For members who are in a relationship with someone who is suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder and who want to improve the quality and safety of the day to day family interactions as well as the long term growth of the family... .

• I understand that my SO has a mental illness that is characterized by unstable and intense interpersonal relationships. My partner did not create this disorder. Recovering from this disorder is a significant personal challenge as is recovering from any mental disorder.    

• I understand that our relationship problems are relationship problems - attributable to both of us.  We both have a role.

• I understand that our relationship problems affect others including our children who suffer when there is parental conflict in the house.

• I no longer wish to be a victim in my relationship. I want to begin to reclaim my emotional well being and lead my family to a healthier place.

• I understand that my role in the "cycle of conflict" is often explainable, even justifiable, but never productive. The same is true for my partners role.

• I understand that leadership change on my part requires strength, commitment, patience, self-awareness and I am committed to work on building these qualities in myself.

• I understand that influencing change in my family dynamics is about providing love, validation, structure and motivation, and diffusing conflict, and I commit to fostering these practices in my family.

• I will actively seek to understand BPD and also other cofactors, such as chemical dependency and other mental illness or personality disorder issues, with a spirit of radical acceptance and to support and lead my partner.  I understand that I have the capacity to support and lead my partner - but not to drive someone else's healing - that is the personal journey of my partner.  

• I welcome straightforward questions and challenges from bpdfamily.com members, even when the question and challenge may be emotionally upsetting, because they are intended to help move me grow towards my relationship and personal goals.

• I accept the responsibility of knowing when to let go of the relationship to protect my children and other vulnerable people.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kristy1981]

Near term goal is to get into therapy for myself.

[justMehere]

Just bought Stop Walking on Eggshells and starting a journal/ work book.

[KeepingPeace]

I'm working on radical acceptance, so I can have the commitment to love him and work on things even when it's hard.  As it is, my commitment to him seems to be as unstable as his mood><

[united for now]

I commit to taking good.care of myself while also nurturing my bond with him 

[Validation78]

My near term goal is to learn how to validate my H's feelings.

[Steph]

 I commit to continue to strive towards a healthy lifestyle and to continue to nurture my marriage and other relationships.

[Nawledge]

Current Goals =

Just received SWOE and started reading it.  My goal is to finish and put into place everything I learn.

Outside of that, my first short term goal is to stop invalidating

[dados76]

our household wrote guidelines... that i like real well... everybody had a hand in them... happy to share... theyre based on the 12 traditions from NA...

1. The common welfare of our family comes first, above individual wants or desires. Personal happiness and growth stems from unity and support as a family.

2. There is no overarching authority in the household. Each member has a voice, and a duty to serve the needs for the good of all. Decisions affecting the family as a whole are to be decided by reaching a group conscience.

3. Each member of our household is acceptable as they are.

4. Each member is autonomous, except for in matters that affect the family as a whole.

5. Our family has only one purpose. To love and care for one another by encouraging growth as individuals and as a whole.

6. As a whole, we do not endorse nor condemn, nor lend financial support to  any outside organization or ideology.

7. Members are encouraged to be self-supporting.

8. We are non-professional within our household. We each offer what we can from our experiences, free from obligation. When necessary, we may seek outside help.

9. We do not organize ourselves into one specific arrangement. At times we may each step into different roles in the interest of maintenance of our household.

10. We have no public opinion on outside issues as a whole, and do not participate in public controversy as a family.

11. Our public lives are based on openness rather than closed-mindedness. We are best served by respecting each other’s desires publicly as well as privately.

12. We place principles above personalities in all our interactions.

theres descriptions and more from all this stuff... that we wrote as a family... but id like to keep living that and working together as a family

[MaybeSo]

My continued goals are to:

keep noticing what is mine, and what is his... .and letting it be

continue to be aware of and stopping my tendancy to rescue, fix, and control others etc.,

continue to learn how to take care of myself... .not in the obvious ways... .I have always taken care of my own material needs, but noticing my own moods, reactions and feelings and practicing self soothing on my own... .being grateful if my partner is able to help, but not expecting or demanding he take care of my own feelings, moods, reactions etc.

continue to not engage in stupid destructive arguments... .just don't do it

[eeyore]

next near term goal:

Working on things I enjoy.  new skills (schooling), work, etc.  Not allowing myself to become so worked up over the chaos.

[jardin]

My near term goals are (1) to continue to improve the validation and communication skills in the areas that have historically been the most difficult for us and on her (self image especially), (2) to continue the de-enmeshment process by focusing my energy on things within my control and not those outside of it, including S's issues, problems, etc, and (3) to continue to encourage her to enjoy time with other people and friends, doing activities that she has expressed interest in, etc etc and to support her in those efforts.

[irishsob]

Next Goal: buy and read "The High Conflict Couple" and continue my growth and being responsible for my "side of the street". To learn more how I can lead and support my partner. To practice these principles in all my affairs.

[needbpdhelp]

Start a log book listing the good and bad experiences, with the goal being to increase the ratio of good vs. bad ones by reflecting on the things I did right - or wrong - to help create them.

[Kifazes]

My next near term goal is to go into therapy myself, and to read the book 'stop walking on eggshells'.

[Katy-Did]

My BPDh and I share a common goal.    We want to nurture relationships/friendships with others.  We've struggled in this area for years.

[peacebaby]

My first goal is to return to my childhood and grow up in Dados' house. 

Otherwise, right now I'm working on sharing my feelings better and continuing to remember my feelings are mine and hers are hers.

[Wanda]

my goal always has been to work on myself and to learn as much as i can . remember my husband has this disease.   to stay strong and keep to my boundaries. 

[Hovercow]

My first goal is striving to improve my loved one's emotional and physical well being, and to be a stable emotional influence on her by: staying cool, calculated, logical, and grounded.

To do this I must be proactive about my own physical and mental health, but must not judge or criticize her in any way when things I can accomplish, are a very real and significant challenge for her.

I realize I don't have to like some of these traits, but they must be accepted in the same way that you understand you will get wet when standing in the rain.

[argyle]

Next goal, help my wBPD find treatment.

Next next goal, work on setting firm boundaries and a more structured home life.

Next next next goal, learn how to communicate with my wife when her twisted perceptions come up. (eg... .everyone is out to get me... .)

[tcevans78]

My goal is to know myself more fully.  To learn to honor myself in my words and actions, and to carry that forward in my conversations and interactions with others.  My hope is that I work towards this, doing the items I checked in the pledge will become easier because the struggles of this relationship will be an aspect of my life - rather than it's focus.  This is my goal. 

[Demeter1]

 

I am working on using the "edit button" on my mouth to stop the cycle of conflict when my SO hits my defense buttons!  Dropping my ego and stepping outside my own feelings when he's raging helps to calm him down.  He then sees that I am trying to understand his side of the story.

I will, however, make it know to him that when he starts breaking or throwing things because someone isn't behaving the way he feels we should behave, our daughters and I will vacate the premises until he's gotten his temper under control.

I will also continue to nurture myself, get my college degree, get a good job, and become less financially dependent on him.  This will not only empower me, but help ease the stress caused by money problems.  One less thing to trigger his rage.

I am committed to work on our relationship to the best of my ability, however I will expect my needs to also be met.  When I need to speak up about an issue, I don't want to be afraid of him losing his temper because he doesn't like hearing what I have to say, whether it's about finances, our daughters, or anything else.  He needs to hold up his end of the deal, otherwise I may need to leave to escape the rage and protect our daughters.

[newbie101]

My Goal is to learn more about BPD... .how to vaildate... word choices... and what I can do to work on the dance of the push/pull and silence within our relationship... .I am also ordering the I hate you don't leave me and stop walking on EggShells fook.

[SunniSmiles]

I understand that my SO has a mental illness that is characterized by unstable and intense interpersonal relationships. My partner did not create this disorder. Recovering from this disorder is a significant personal challenge as is recovering from any mental disorder.  

I pledge to try to understand this disorder and help my hubby recover.

[toomanyeggshells]

My goals are to learn how to validate and have more patience with my uBPDbf because I know those things will make a world of difference in our relationship.  I bought SWOE months ago and have not yet opened it.  My goal is to read, read, read.

For myself personally, my goals are to keep taking care of myself and keep working to dis-enmesh (un-enmesh?) so I can still be me. 

[Neverknow]

Near term goal is to get into therapy for myself.

Just did that and was lucky enough to find a t who is treating some BPD patients.


My BPD wife and I are separated but I am getting so much insight into the disorder and her and my own actions that have made things worse than they had to be.

[Easydoesitnow]

I am willing to take the pledge.  I am not currently in my relationship but I commit to the pledge to working to bring the relationship to a healthy place for my uBPDbf, my children and I, whatever form that 'healthy place' may be.

My near term goal is to stop being a victim in my relationship. I want to begin to reclaim my emotional well being and lead my family to a healthier place.  I will start by stopping complaining about my partner in a victim-like way to others.

[artman.1]

My priority at this time is to seriously work on my codependence, and hope to learn the language necessary to communicate in a mindfull way with my UBPDW.  I have not attempted to talk about BPD to her, however I have included her in my work on myself towards my Codependence.

Art

[megocean]

I pledge to be strong enough to not be a victim, to focus on and take care of myself when my SO is dysregulated, instead of wanting him to take care of me because I am distressed about his mood or behavior. I pledge to give him room!

[wwjd2]

My goal is to get mentally heathy, read, find a t for me and my kids