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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Articles that have helped me heal  (Read 855 times)
FlSunshineGirl
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« on: April 01, 2015, 09:10:44 AM »

After 5 1/2 years of an on and off toxic relationship with my dexBPDbf, I am starting to make progress in my healing. It's been almost 3 months since I ended it and almost a month since his last contact with me (of which I am proud to say I've been able to remain my boundary of strict NC).

I still have a few rough days here and there where I catch myself ruminating over him. But have been trying to practice mindfulness and really just living in the moment that I'm in and stopping the thoughts of replaying any of my history or conversations with him when they pop up.

I found these two articles today that have really helped me with processing what the reality of what I went through was. I wanted to share it in hopes it will help others too.

www.blog.melanietoniaevans.com/love-bombing-when-its-too-good-to-be-true/

www.blog.melanietoniaevans.com/trauma-bonding-is-it-love-or-something-else/

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Skip
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« Reply #1 on: April 01, 2015, 01:31:34 PM »

Why does doing the right thing and the healthy thing for us feel like we are being a jerk?

He has been diagnosed with BPD and BiPolar.

Thanks for supplying the links - glad they helped  Being cool (click to insert in post)

Just to plant a seed for future thoughts - your really fresh into this and there are a lot of things on the Internet that will resonate with our hurt.  The question will eventually become, was it accurate.

This blogger is writing about narcissism and about Stockholm Syndrome.  Narcissism is very different than BPD and BiPolar.  Stockholm Syndrome is not at all common in general relationships - the blogosphere tends to jump on sensational terms that overstate the reality.

Staying in the reality (which is hard when we are wounded) can be hard, but it heals us faster and we become more people savy and self aware.  The sensational terms tend to spawn members that think there is an endemic of highly distinguished devils lurking in every dark corner.

So, do you think he is NPD, BPD and BiPolar.  What clinical syndrome(s) do you think you've acquired from the relationship (depression, Stockholm, codependency, etc.).

Let's start breaking it down.  Being cool (click to insert in post)



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FlSunshineGirl
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« Reply #2 on: April 01, 2015, 02:24:35 PM »

Hi Skip, thank you for your comment and insight. :-)

He was diagnosed as BiPolar, ADHD, BPD but didn't stick around in treatment long enough to work through any of the issues.

There was a lot of info on the love bombing that rang especially true with me.

I had never been in a relationship where someone did this before, so I fell fast and hard for all of it.

My ex was my childhood friend growing up. Our dad's have been friends since they were little boys. My ex and I were in and out of one another's lives a few times and then had a period of over 15 years since we had seen or spoken to one another.

So things developed so quickly and I thought it was due to the fact that we knew each other and feelings just flowed naturally from our history.

But when I read about love bombing, it was exactly what I experienced.

He put me on a pedestal, bombarded me with gifts and poems and flattery and adoration of the likes I had never known. He started calling me his soul mate and talked about marriage and moving in and really rushed the relationship.

Anytime we fought, he showed up at my house unannounced with cards, flowers, gift cards, gifts, crying, apologies... .

I started to feel very manipulated by all of this.

I definitely feel I've suffered depression, PTSD, insomnia, stomach issues, anxiety, loss of appetite to make a few from what I went through.

Not everyone will experience the same things from the relationships we have had.

I'm not sure if he was  or wasn't also a NPD on top of all the other diagnoses.

Can you explain more about what you mean about staying in the reality helping the healing process faster?

Thanks! :-)
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FlSunshineGirl
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« Reply #3 on: April 01, 2015, 02:52:54 PM »

This statement from the article was also exactly what he said to me,

"Beware of the words “I want to know everything there is to know about you”.

He said that right off the bat. He wanted to know "what made me tick".

Also asked quickly to tell him something I've never told anyone before.

Looking back I see how it was to quickly escalate the intimacy and bond between us.

But at the time it felt like I had finally met the man of my dreams.

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Loosestrife
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« Reply #4 on: April 01, 2015, 03:17:53 PM »

The trauma bond book is good too
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Maternus
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« Reply #5 on: April 01, 2015, 05:35:05 PM »

Narcissism is very different than BPD (... .)

Really? I don't think so. There may be differences that are important to therapists, who have to deal with those disorders - but for us, who only want to know, what happened to us, it is very hard to see the difference. Those with an undiagnosed ex-partner only know the behaviour of their ex-partner. People with a Cluster-B-PD may have different reasons, why they do, what they do. But what they do follows the same script in a relationship. What all Cluster-Bs have in common is lying and manipulation, they all tend to play the victim, when it fulfils their needs.

There is this movie about Sam Vanknin "I, Psychopath". He has a diagnosis for many Cluster-B-Disorders - from borderline to narcissm, and in the movie he was diagnosed with many traits of DPD, but also as a psychopath. A psychopath with DPD? Maybe narcissism is different than  BPD, but DPD is much more different than psychopathy.

But there's a difference between living with someone, who has a cluster-b disorder and diagnosing a disorder. Living with someone includes his behaviour, how he/she acts in the real life. A diagnosis often is based on the words of the disordered person.

 
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FlSunshineGirl
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« Reply #6 on: April 01, 2015, 07:40:14 PM »

"The sensational terms tend to spawn members that think there is an endemic of highly distinguished devils lurking in every dark corner."

I don't believe everyone will think that. I certainly don't think that's the case. Of all the guys I've dated, this one was the only mentally disordered one.

He hasn't ruined me, just trying to understand what the h*ll happened and get some insight and healing and help others along the way.

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ReadytoRun

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« Reply #7 on: April 01, 2015, 09:49:24 PM »

I want to thank you for posting the articles you did. They helped me a lot tonight. Think that I am finally letting go of hope that things would magically go back to the beginning. I am not frantic anymore and even though I am very sad, I can sit with those feelings without needing to keep in contact with my ex. I have chosen to start giving myself the loyalty, devotion and respect I foolishly gave him for so long. Today I feel the first bits of healing. I hope it continues.

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FlSunshineGirl
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« Reply #8 on: April 05, 2015, 11:14:20 AM »

You're welcome Readytorun. I hope you continue to heal and find happiness in the days ahead.
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