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Author Topic: Once a BPD cheats... They always Cheat?  (Read 2793 times)
LifeIsOn
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« Reply #30 on: December 27, 2011, 08:45:54 PM »

When the slightest n I mean the slightest lost of attention. Could be when your on vacation or business trip or trip to whatever or busy with work. The slighest trigger will cause them to cheat. Also to look into their history n see if they have cheated n they will. That's imho. Once they cheated in the past. They will cheat on the replacement
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« Reply #31 on: December 28, 2011, 03:18:55 AM »

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=138154.0
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LifeIsOn
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« Reply #32 on: December 31, 2011, 09:10:25 AM »

Why do high functioning BPD cheat more than low functioning? So if they go from LF to HF their cheating gets worse?
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« Reply #33 on: December 31, 2011, 10:23:27 AM »

www.metatube.com/en/videos/76083/SNL-Chanel-Red-Flag-Perfume/

SNL 'Red Flag Perfume'
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« Reply #34 on: December 31, 2011, 11:02:41 AM »

Why do high functioning BPD cheat more than low functioning? So if they go from LF to HF their cheating gets worse?

Cheating is nothing more than a maladaptive coping skill - that happens to work for a pwBPD to soothe intense feelings.  High Function BPD's are more likely to use this skill as they have the ability to assimilate into society better than Low Functioning BPD's.

Brad, I would really challenge you at this point to start focusing on your feelings around your partner cheating on you rather than why she did it.  You cannot control her, but you can heal by focusing on your feelings.
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« Reply #35 on: December 31, 2011, 11:51:11 AM »

My BPD went to Hawaii with a Friend 8 months after our second daughter was born.  I recently found out thanks to a former friend of hers (who was with her in Hawaii) and whom she has since pushed away, that she had a raging affair that week with a total stranger.  When recently confronted, after becoming aware of yet another affair, she said it was true, but she felt no guilt and it only made her love me more.  She downplayed the affair and denyed several others that former friends have come forward about, since our divorce became public.

I feel strongly that the BPD is suffering a hollow existence, seeking validation from anywhere possible, not able to find it within. I made the mistake of trying to please my wife, and failed to set boundaries and hold her accountable in every area of our lives.  I filled this need for many years, sporadically. Her own self interests will always be put ahead of others, including her children. 

She threw herself into yet another affair withing a month of deciding to divorce... .another total stranger, a convicted felon this time, but her knight in shining armour (as opposed to me the villian and abandoner), someone who is not looking beneath the surface and appreciates the wild sex.  It is not about me or you, it is about them.  Stay strong.
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Ironmanrises
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« Reply #36 on: September 09, 2013, 03:28:45 PM »

I have no idea if my exUBPDgf cheated on me in both rounds of relationship.

Honestly... .

I would rather not know.

I cannot swallow anymore pain.

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« Reply #37 on: September 09, 2013, 10:41:07 PM »

My BPDexw once admitted to me (during one of her penitent phases) that she got a thrill out of coming home and lying to me about her activities.  That sent a chill down my spine and was further confirmation of the depth of her disorder.  The whole cheating lifestyle that she "hid" from me was an exciting escape from the rigors of a mature , adult relationship.  She is now with a much younger man, in the thralls of a validating honeymoon.  I wonder if she'll be faithful to him?

Fiddlestix
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Clearmind
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« Reply #38 on: September 09, 2013, 11:03:38 PM »

Listen to what is told to you! There are reasons why we choose not to listen.

If we don't listen unfortunately we have no one else to point at than ourselves. Not their fault.
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ScotisGone74
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« Reply #39 on: September 09, 2013, 11:42:49 PM »

so just so I'm correct about this Clearmind,  if we listened they wouldn't do all this or if we don't listen its our fault they did whatever?
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« Reply #40 on: September 09, 2013, 11:54:56 PM »

IMHO... .Look for the half truths and projection... .if they are accusing YOU of cheating it's quite likely THEY are cheating... .!

Newton, I think when the BPD'er is pointing a finger at you, three fingers are pointing back at them. Commonly, when someone is cheating, they'll project their guilt on the person they're cheating on. To borrow a quote:

"Someone who accuses you of cheating might just be insecure. It doesn't mean they are cheating. However, cheaters are more likely to accuse their partner of cheating because either they want to place blame elsewhere and think it helps hide what they are doing OR they are feeling guilty and fearful that what they are doing is also being done to them. Cheaters don't want to be cheated on... .just like liars don't like being lied to."

We all know BPD'ers have extreme insecurity and trust issues. They may not necessarily be cheating on you; they're just wired to not trust anyone. If they're suddenly accusing you of things out of the blue, it's a good bet they're screwing around.
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Clearmind
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« Reply #41 on: September 10, 2013, 12:06:36 AM »

My ex told me a few times he cheated on his ex's. Also told of me of his sexual escapades, multiple women etc etc. I didn't listen.

All the information he provided me could have and should have helped me make up my mind whether this guy was a (1) a stayer (2) was likely to do the same to me (3) cared about sex more than a relationship (4) was afraid of intimacy (5) had a clue what he was seeking in a woman (6) was childish (7) selfish (8) level of emotional maturity.

No one's fault Scot - its seems easier in the short term to not listen to the actions, especially if we need to be needed rather than set firm boundaries, have limits and not engage. My ex told me exactly who he was from the very first date - he was trouble and he told me so... I sang "la, la, la" and proceeded without question.

I need to be accoutable for my choices not accountable of his indescretions.
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charred
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« Reply #42 on: September 10, 2013, 12:09:18 AM »

Listen to what THEY told you... .and set your ego aside enough to believe what they did.

The mistake I made over and over (not just with pwBPD)... but women/people in general... was assuming I was different and special. If a lady sleeps with you on her first date... .she sleeps with guys on the first date. If she doesn't use protection with you... .she doesn't use protection with guys. If she tells you she cheated on any other guy... .she cheats on the guy she is with. If you meet someone and they tell a story of how they did dumb stuff... they do dumb stuff.

For some unclear reason, we want to deny reality and believe that the disordered person we know acts with little or no integrity... .finds us special and doesn't treat us like she treats all the rest of the people she is/was close to.

If you meet someone and they show you (repeatedly) they are not trustworthy... .believe them.

The denial of reality is what I look back and shake my head about. My exBPDgf the last time she wanted to get back together... I listened and offered to be her friend if that was what she wanted... .she finally confided in me she wanted moral support from me... she was recovering from surgery for an STD she got from the guy she jumped in the sack with 3 days after we were supposed to move in together... .and then was pissy because I wasn't supportive! My exBPDgf harassed my exwife... and claimed my ex was harassing her... sending texts, leaving nasty voice mails, etc. I asked my pwBPD to show them to me and play them for me... and she said they were too disturbing so she had deleted them, asked my exwife... and she showed me and played them. Asked my pwBPD to contact the phone company and get copies... and she started a big diversionary fight. Yet I tried to keep believing her... .because I wanted my illusion of a dream girl/soul mate to be true. It cost me big time with my exwife... who was the real/honest person in the whole thing.

Do they always cheat? No... .like most people there is opportunity involved... someone else has to get with them and you can't be sure that will happen... .but if they cheat in past and are not trustworthy... .don't you deserve better?




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Octoberfest
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« Reply #43 on: September 10, 2013, 12:32:05 AM »

I can attest to the "if they accuse you of cheating, they are likely cheating" concept.

My BPDex cheated on me with multiple different people throughout the 9 months we dated.  Cheating meaning being emotionally and physically involved with others, i.e. she was dating SOMEONE else the entire time we were together and at one point was dating three guys at once. 

She told me that she had been cheated on in every relationship she has been in before me.  She has been in A LOT of relationships.

I agree with charred also... .especially so with pwBPD.  We are made to feel like we are the greatest things in the world, that we are so special, that they have never met anyone like us... .it feels good to believe those things.  But they are hollow words.

I never checked or wanted to check my BPDex's phone or facebook when we first started dating. She was the first girl I ever dated and I very consciously made the decision that I wasn't going to be the jealous boyfriend type.  I knew she talked to her ex still (who in fact she was still dating, she told me she had broken it off with him) but I didn't think anything of it because she told me that he was her best friend for years before they dated.  I only ever got paranoid or started wondering who she was talking to or asking to see her phone after I found out about her cheating on me the first few times. Then she started deleting messages because "it slowed her phone down".  Then she would demand to see my phone, or grab it and say "Look at who you are talking to!" and scroll through my messages wide eyed, and then be all kinds of disappointed to find that the only two girls in my 15 most recently messaged people were my mom and a female friend 4 states away.  It was incredible.

I just remembered this today... .6 months into our relationship I got suspicious that she was involved with her ex (the best friend one mentioned prior).  So I told her that if there was nothing there she would have no problem texting him "hey you know Octoberfest and I are together and dating right?".  She said of course she would.  She then got up and took her phone across the room.  As I walked over I caught the very end of her renaming a contact in her phone the name of her ex.  Then she texted that number, who was obviously someone local who only knew of her and I, and asked that question.  Predictably the answer came back "uh yeah?".  I confirmed later- the number she texted sure wasn't the number of her ex.  The night ended in her having a panic attack because I demanded she phone her mother and have her block his number or else I was walking away.  It was shocking to see how badly this shook her... .you would think she was giving up a child. 

It is incredible how deep the disorder reaches.  Facebook was an integral part of the manipulation and lies.   She would apply settings so me and the other guys she was involved with couldn't see each other on her facebook, apply privacy settings so that only certain people saw her relationship status, etc. 

With the 2 new guys (it appears she has been dating 2 guys at once in the few months since we have split), she has had her facebook deleted for the past several weeks.  About a week ago, right when she seems to have split with one of them, it came back up filled with pictures of her and the other guy, and how lucky she is, etc.  It is insane... .but at least others are seeing it.

Long story short, once a cheater always a cheater.  It doesn't matter how good of a partner one is; cheating on someone has little to nothing to do with the other person not being good enough.  I believe it has everything to do with a predisposition one has, a mindset. My BPDex cheated on me, she has been cheating on the two guys she has been dating at the same time since me, and, while I don't know it, I would bet anything that she was cheating on many if not all of the guys before me.
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ScotisGone74
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« Reply #44 on: September 10, 2013, 01:59:51 AM »

I guess that the main theme I would like to get out here is that, yes they sometimes may very well give warnings or have moments where they let slip out on what they plan in the future, but if you have a couple year history with them at that point what are you supposed to do? Honestly just say well the heck with it if they make some off the cuff remark about  'not being there for me'  or 'if you don't do this I may leave'?   I didn't get any of these type of remarks or statements until the final weeks-and after spending a couple of years together-honestly I wasn't ready to throw in the towel then-   But then again I had Absolutely NO Clue about all of her history and what was going on behind the scenes on her behalf.   To my detriment as a Non, once I am with someone, living with them, serious with them, I tell them that, telling them I love them and them always saying it back or telling me that, I am all in that point, I don't play word games, or run away if some verbal slight they mouth off - I don't live like that, and I won't live that - which is a good thing because I don't have to at this point. 

I am saddened to hear that Octoberfest-mine did the same thing with Facebook, was in an 'intimate relationship' while still seeing me of course, telling me if I thought anything of her I 'd bring her lunch at work,etc etc, kept trying to use me as an errand boy, then to 'engaged' within weeks.  All the while she had me blocked from seeing this picture of her and the new guy on her page-  the sick part is that in emails she was throwing a huge fit about me not "Friending" her, just about as low of an act as you can possibly get.    I would rather chop off my winky and stick a needle in my eye than be her 'friend'. 
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Ironmanrises
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« Reply #45 on: September 10, 2013, 10:03:46 AM »

I guess that the main theme I would like to get out here is that, yes they sometimes may very well give warnings or have moments where they let slip out on what they plan in the future, but if you have a couple year history with them at that point what are you supposed to do? Honestly just say well the heck with it if they make some off the cuff remark about  'not being there for me'  or 'if you don't do this I may leave'?   I didn't get any of these type of remarks or statements until the final weeks-and after spending a couple of years together-honestly I wasn't ready to throw in the towel then-   But then again I had Absolutely NO Clue about all of her history and what was going on behind the scenes on her behalf.   To my detriment as a Non, once I am with someone, living with them, serious with them, I tell them that, telling them I love them and them always saying it back or telling me that, I am all in that point, I don't play word games, or run away if some verbal slight they mouth off - I don't live like that, and I won't live that - which is a good thing because I don't have to at this point. 

I am saddened to hear that Octoberfest-mine did the same thing with Facebook, was in an 'intimate relationship' while still seeing me of course, telling me if I thought anything of her I 'd bring her lunch at work,etc etc, kept trying to use me as an errand boy, then to 'engaged' within weeks.  All the while she had me blocked from seeing this picture of her and the new guy on her page-  the sick part is that in emails she was throwing a huge fit about me not "Friending" her, just about as low of an act as you can possibly get.    I would rather chop off my winky and stick a needle in my eye than be her 'friend'. 

That.

In bold.

It was the same for me.

Leaves you in a very unsure position.

And then they question you on top of that.

So damaging.

Maddening.

I honestly do not know if my exUBPDgf cheated behind my back.

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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #46 on: September 10, 2013, 12:45:08 PM »

When I left for the last time she somehow knew I meant it because the texts and the emails stopped; they had been her favorite way to communicate in the relationship, and in fact she was much sweeter by text than in person.  No phone calls either.

I did troll her Facebook page for about a week after, and she was leaving veiled messages to me.  Enough is enough, I unfriended her, and am proud to report I haven't gone to her Facebook page or her website since, not even once, and haven't found it hard not to, I now know where that leads.

But most importantly I've continued using Facebook and posting everything to Public, because sorry sweetheart, you are not allowed to impose your crap on my life anymore, and I'll live the way I want, thank you.  It was done out of spite initially, but now I honestly don't care.  I'm sure visiting her page would be a trigger for me, looking forward to it not being once I heal a little more, but not going there is easy.
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papawapa
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« Reply #47 on: September 10, 2013, 01:38:58 PM »

Yes. If they are cheaters they are serial cheaters.  Its only a matter of time until they disregulate and look for sex to sooth their pain.
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« Reply #48 on: September 10, 2013, 02:04:15 PM »

Yes. If they are cheaters they are serial cheaters.  Its only a matter of time until they disregulate and look for sex to sooth their pain.

Couldn't agree more.  My stbx uPBDh not only cheated on me with an ex girlfriend from high school and who he called his soul mate and the one that got away but he cheated on her too!  He was involved with another ex girlfriend and together they are swingers!

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« Reply #49 on: September 10, 2013, 04:07:20 PM »

I'm with Charred and Clearmind,

Once a person shows you and tells you who they are: believe them. They know themselves better than you ever will. I know our BPD's can misconstrue the truth about their past break ups... .but if our guts are screaming something isn't right than more than likely our guts are accurate.

My ex told me nonchalantly about how he cheated on his ex's and how his ex's took him back. Yep. Braggingly with the most cavalier narcissistic smugness. My ex didn't see it as betrayal; he saw it as entitlement. In his mind his cheating was their fault and in many ways he was simply forecasting what was in store for me.

Did I run like hell? Nope. I stayed. And when he cheated; I took him back just like all his other exes.

Like Charred said... .we get caught up in wanting to be unique, special and spin in our minds the narrative of believing that we are the different experience of love for them that just might make them change their BPD Leopard spots. *Can you see my smirk?"

Not all BPD's cheat; but most do. It's how they survive and has nothing to do with us.

Spell

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« Reply #50 on: September 10, 2013, 04:40:47 PM »

Well, its not just BPD who cheat. . .I've cheated myself.  It was immaturity on my part. . .it went on for a while and I must have put my partner through hell as he was suspicious.  I made a concious decision to stop it, and made a choice to stay in the r/s.  But, I'm not a serial shagger and I don't do it to self-soothe some core wound.  With BPD, I think if they use sex in that way they will always cheat, emotionally and/or physically and with males there tends to be porn related behaviour. . .it's all of it, and I believe with my ex related to 'Mother' issues.

Once a person shows you and tells you who they are: believe them.

My ex told me nonchalantly about how he cheated on his ex's and how his ex's took him back. Yep. Braggingly with the most cavalier narcissistic smugness. My ex didn't see it as betrayal; he saw it as entitlement. In his mind his cheating was their fault and in many ways he was simply forecasting what was in store for me.

Like Charred said... .we get caught up in wanting to be unique, special

Yes, I recognise a lot of this.

When I started seeing my exuBPD, he was in a r/s and involved with other women as well. . .an obvious 'ladies man'. . .somehow I decided to ignore all that    At the end he told me he was seeing six other women for a number of years. . .and mentioned - very smugly - "I don't think you think I am a serial shagger"

But, yes he made me feel unique, special. . .and more of a woman than any man had done. . .I fell hook, line and sinker.  Mind you saying that, I think there were quite a number of years he wasn't involved with anyone else . . .he didn't have regular periods of 'obvious' dsyregulation but he went back to the serial shagging, I don't quite know why and once I challenged him, he turned into someone I'd never seen before. . .quite staggering
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« Reply #51 on: September 10, 2013, 05:02:23 PM »

I suppose that you should put 'Tells You' and 'Believe Them' into context.  I agree with others who have said we should believe them and listen to what they say, but you have to agree that is kind of difficult to do if all they have said was mostly a lie to begin with.  If you have lived with someone who constantly tells you they love you and you are always with them after Several Years together you come home and they say "if you don't paint the front porch I'm leaving today"       The majority of people, myself included, would take that with a grain of salt if there was no arguing or some other blow up going on before or after that.   BPD's have the unique ability to turn any feelings off or on like the flip of a light switch, its not something that you can do if you truly loved someone. 
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« Reply #52 on: September 10, 2013, 05:14:40 PM »

Putting cheating aside - surely there were a multitude of red flags through the relationship.

Part of being in a relationship is inquiring. If my partner was telling me something and doing something opposite I would inquire. Instead I took my ex on face value because I was too scared of making waves and him leaving me!

Part of being a member here at bpdfamily is to learn from our errors and not simply pull our ex's partners behavior apart - Look at the actions - this is a life lesson for the next partner.
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« Reply #53 on: September 10, 2013, 06:56:50 PM »

You're right clearmind.  There were a lot of red flags, but the biggest one was she never came to me, there was never the emotional closeness that I want in a relationship.  I'd say it was due to shame about her actions including infidelity, a very low opinion of herself, and really an inability to really go there.

My lesson, fueled by my disgust with myself for just hanging around "hoping it would get better", and my avoidance of her rude and rageful outbursts at the slightest provocation, is to nip that crap in the bud next time.  Leaving unacceptable things undiscussed is a recipe for disaster; if it's important to me, bring it up.  And maybe the most important trait of a healthy relationship is the ability to solve problems together and move through rough spots, something that never, ever happened with my BPD ex.  My belief is that relationships are never static, people are always either getting closer together or farther apart, and having a major falling out, a come to jesus conversation about it, and a resolution everyone is happy with is one of the best ways to get closer.  And the make up sex is awesome too.
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« Reply #54 on: September 10, 2013, 07:11:43 PM »

Like Charred said... .we get caught up in wanting to be unique, special

We are all unique and therefore special... .but none of us are faith healers!

I saw my BPDex could modify her behavior for a time, but because of her emotional volatility and inability to cope added to fears of abandonment and engulfment, she returned to her usual coping behaviors. So yeah, add me to the roll call of those voting that "cheaters are cheaters". 
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« Reply #55 on: September 10, 2013, 07:33:13 PM »

My uBPDexgf cheated on every man she was with including me.  She denied this mostly, but really, the truth was there to be known--I would ask her about it a lot and sometimes she would let things slip.  During her especially venomous times she would be painfully honest for a few moments and talk in detail about her affairs and her sordid past.  She has had 3 husbands and 4 fiancees and  numerous boyfriends, all of which were victims of her seduction and conquer, only to be betrayed.  I was more than once with her.  Stupid me, I hung around for more abuse and believed her when she said it would never happen again.  I don't know about all BPDs but my guess would be a vast majority would cheat and cheat again, and again.
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« Reply #56 on: September 10, 2013, 09:50:48 PM »

Honesty during a venom attack... .something to that.

I think part of what made discounting what they said hard (as BS), was that most the time there was some grain of truth to the crazy demands and repetitive arguments, and concerns they had.

My exBPDgf at various times told me I was co-dependent, was a people pleaser, was afraid to say "no", was a jellyfish ... with no spine, and that I had attachment issues. She said lots of other mean stuff, but the psychological ones were usually plausible.

Bit of a different topic though... .

On topic question... .how much of the cheating was while your r/s seemed to be going good? My pwBPD would be with me and in contact (almost smothering) when things were good... when she was busy I always wondered... .but when we were having little spats back and forth... .no doubt she was doing her best to jump in the sack with someone... .kind of a "that will show you" thing maybe.

Might be different person to person... .some just keep 4-5 folks handy others chase them down when the mood strikes.

Hate thinking of someone I saw as "the one" for me for most of 30 yrs... .as utterly devoid of integrity, and with the morals of an alley cat... .but it is what it is.

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« Reply #57 on: September 10, 2013, 09:58:25 PM »

We didn't live together, and it took me a while to figure out, but if I didn't hear from mine for 2 or 3 days, it was because she was off screwing someone.  The thing that absolutely shocked me was her ability to carry on with me as if nothing ever happened and we were in the monogamous, exclusive relationship we had agreed upon.  She was able to do that by keeping an emotional distance from me that I obviously felt but chose to ignore, and it really pisses me off about myself that I did ignore it.  Never again.
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LynnieRe

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 37


« Reply #58 on: September 10, 2013, 10:26:24 PM »

they always cheat.  they don't consider it cheating.  If they don't cheat, they rage or withdraw or play some other game.  Mine cheated with a GF when we met, left me with a baby and married someone else, withdrew and verbally abused her until she tossed him, then went from toxic relationship until his life was completely a mess, then came back here, I helped put him together and BAM-he cheated.  At his physical and mentally healthiest point in 10 years.  Because he was talking about some women that was "after" him, and I said she wasn't good for him, he needs stability.  So 2 days after we got back from vacation some friend contacted him on FB and he's been with her ever since.  Because I told him to "find someone stable"

honestly, I have a bet out with a friend how long she stays stable when she finds out what he's really about. 
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bpdlover
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1107


« Reply #59 on: September 25, 2013, 08:17:58 PM »

Just visiting briefly and have read through this thread. I am further along the healing path now and find it quite hard to read even my own posts here. I believe this is a good thing. Isn't it obvious that if a person actually tells you who they are, that you take that on board? Well, maybe not if you are deeply intrenched/enmeshed and that person's actions and words are a total mismatch. However it is a lesson I know I have learnt now. I agree with Clearmind. The actions of our past relationships are there to help us learn to take better care of ourselves. This will hopefully ensure we are in quality relationships in future or see the warning signs before we head into a disaster. I will certainly never cheat myself out of genuine love again. Life is good here and hard to believe what happened is now, quite a few years ago. I've lost count, which is a great thing. Hope everybody is learning lots. Be well! Smiling (click to insert in post)
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