Addicted to the intensity?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I know I still have a lot of work to do before moving on to a healthy relationship.  However, when I think about finding someone else, I wonder if anything will ever match the intense feeling that my exBPDGF and I had when first starting our relationship.  My therapist asks me about this frequently and I don't really have an answer.  I'm 29 years old and she's the only relationship I have had in my adult life (6 years on and off).  Is anyone else struggling with the same question as they detach from their exBPD?

[dimin]

I know I still have a lot of work to do before moving on to a healthy relationship.  However, when I think about finding someone else, I wonder if anything will ever match the intense feeling that my exBPDGF and I had when first starting our relationship.  My therapist asks me about this frequently and I don't really have an answer.  I'm 29 years old and she's the only relationship I have had in my adult life (6 years on and off).  Is anyone else struggling with the same question as they detach from their exBPD?

[breathelife]

Yes I am and I think that's why I keep going back to my exBPDbf.  I keep thinking about the passion and the romance.  I am trying nc but can't get him out of my mind.

[dimin]

Yes I am and I think that's why I keep going back to my exBPDbf.  I keep thinking about the passion and the romance.  I am trying nc but can't get him out of my mind.

I've been there.  Maintained NC for a few months to a year before, but I would always go back.  She's on my mind still, but I know I can no longer go back to her.  This time I have enough evidence of her infidelities that I know I can't go back. 

[OTB]

I know I still have a lot of work to do before moving on to a healthy relationship.  However, when I think about finding someone else, I wonder if anything will ever match the intense feeling that my exBPDGF and I had when first starting our relationship.  My therapist asks me about this frequently and I don't really have an answer.  I'm 29 years old and she's the only relationship I have had in my adult life (6 years on and off).  Is anyone else struggling with the same question as they detach from their exBPD?

Yeah I hear ya on this one.  Just meeting someone and if they like you and you aren't getting the attention or intensity that your exBPD did, then it doesn't seem the same... .then for me I panic... .do they really like me?  Boy... .do i have a lot of work to do too!  Before my BPD, I was in a rs for 20 (married 17).  Went from my marriage to this rs so haven't dated in my adult life much at all (especially, the lesbian dating scene that I switched over too).  UGH... .

[ellil]

Well, I am 50 years old and I have this same exact question on whether or not I'll ever find someone who can match that intensity--at least the "good" intensity, the great sex, the excitement.

Somethings tell me that no I probably won't, or is that belief related to our own personal issues?

BPD's are definitely not boring. And mine was exciting in very good ways too, along with the bad. Gorgeous. Brilliant. Great sex. One hell of a lot of fun and very "up for anything." I'd be very lucky to find someone like this again without the personality disorder. It's that whole mirroring thing: Obviously I'm like Narcissus in that I fell in love with myself, what he was reflecting of me and my desires and likes and needs.

And this sucks because right now I'm unattached and very happy. I'm doing things for myself I put off my entire life. There's just this slight little pang that the "good" part of the relationship will never be matched and will always be a letdown.

M

[hithere]

Yes I am and I think that's why I keep going back to my exBPDbf.  I keep thinking about the passion and the romance.  I am trying nc but can't get him out of my mind.

I am going through this as well.  It is so frustrating.  I think about the bad times and it makes me feel sick that I can't just move on but I do miss the good times.

[Eightyfour]

Well the good things always outweight the bad when you think back but you have to ask yourself, did you really like the idolization phase?

Non stop phone calls, texting, the clinging on, all the attention seeking, all the absorption of your free time, never a real listening ear to YOUR problems?

It was only after the attention was gone we doubted ourself, and wanted it back for our own ego’s.

Sure the sex was alright, but good sex is found everywhere, only has to ripe a little longer than a BPD r/s.

[breathelife]

Yes I am and I think that's why I keep going back to my exBPDbf.  I keep thinking about the passion and the romance.  I am trying nc but can't get him out of my mind.

I am going through this as well.  It is so frustrating.  I think about the bad times and it makes me feel sick that I can't just move on but I do miss the good times.

And I feel like a 'loser' for going through this break up yet again esp with my friends who do not get it at all.  Some are begging literally begging me not to go back.   'hithere' maybe we can keep each other strong

[breathelife]

Well the good things always outweight the bad when you think back but you have to ask yourself, did you really like the idolization phase?

Non stop phone calls, texting, the clinging on, all the attention seeking, all the absorption of your free time, never a real listening ear to YOUR problems?

It was only after the attention was gone we doubted ourself, and wanted it back for our own ego’s.

Sure the sex was alright, but good sex is found everywhere, only has to ripe a little longer than a BPD r/s.

It was actually emotional draining.   His insecurities was reallly hard to 'soothe'. We got into a fight once about the difference between me calling people that I work with and texting them.  And that I wasn't being transparent because when I said I need to talk to Danielle or whomever ... .I sometimes texted her and not actually call her.  He did this before a 2 hour presentation I was hosting.  I am in sales I text, email, chat, call people all day.  It was so draining esp when he made his insecurities my fault by not making any logical sense.

[hithere]

It helps when I think back to all the time and energy I wasted arguing about ridiculous things, most of which only existed in my BPD partners head.  Staying up till 4am fighting and having to deal with the constant drama and chaos was very draining.  

Even when I was validating her I found it draining because often it was for things that made no logical sense, so I was having to warp my thought process just to try and make her feel better.

Then of course there was the blame that would always fall on my shoulders for not being understanding enough or not loving her enough or not being patient enough.

So being addicted to the intensity is one thing but when you weigh the price you had to pay it help make leaving easier.

[2010]

"Intensity is their trump card." ~ Roger Melton

[sm15000]

"Intensity is their trump card." ~ Roger Melton

How true is this  

I don't know how aware my ex was/is about how he immediately flirts/charms women if he is on the hunt for narcissistic supply. . .he makes out he's not and that "women take his friendliness the wrong way, he's just being very sociable"    I think he knows what he's doing - he's intensely charming, attentive, talkative, understanding, interested in you - he knows how to hook very well

[ellil]

"Intensity is their trump card." ~ Roger Melton

"women take his friendliness the wrong way, he's just being very sociable"  

These are my ex's exact words: Is it my fault if women misinterpret my friendliness for flirting?

I'm like, um, yeah, if your "friendliness" fits everyone else's definition of "flirting." I think it is so ingrained in them, their negative self-image is so fundamental, they don't even realize it's flirting--it's just an unending, unknown need.

M

[sm15000]

These are my ex's exact words: Is it my fault if women misinterpret my friendliness for flirting?

I think it is so ingrained in them, their negative self-image is so fundamental, they don't even realize it's flirting--it's just an unending, unknown need.

The similarities are amazing. . .they really do have scripts for every occasion    Perhaps they don't know?  I remember my ex telling me he was out with his friend and their children and the friends little boy said to him (after the waitress had served them) "no wonder you're not married, you're always flirting"  out of the mouth of babes eh

My ex was really put out though, didn't seem like he knew really

[rotgut]

In the beginning intensity is what I look for. If there is a room full of  fifty nons and one pwBPD, guess which one I will gravitate toward like a magnet. It is so unsettling as a thirty six year old single man to think that all this hunger in me for a "normal" "healthy" r/s is going to manifest as just another dance with a wwBPD. That's why I have been alone for almost ONE YEAR.  FEAR. And I am sick of it. I am tempted to go out right now, find the first woman with BPD I see, fall madly in love, and live in delirium for a while. Anything beats this loneliness. I devoured being alone for many months. Would just sit in awe of the silence in my apt, but now I am beginning to yearn female connection, touch, etc. Makes me miss with BPD more than I can express. Near crippling at times, still. I think the impasse is the almost certain fear that I will only go out and choose another wwBPD, and why on gods green earth would I want another one, when I am still thinking about her... .   

And if the woman didn't idealize on me I am near certain I would take this as rejection and bail.  I am so screwed.

[GreenMango]

In the beginning intensity is what I look for. If there is a room full of  fifty nons and one pwBPD, guess which one I will gravitate toward like a magnet. It is so unsettling as a thirty six year old single man to think that all this hunger in me for a "normal" "healthy" r/s is going to manifest as just another dance with a wwBPD. That's why I have been alone for almost ONE YEAR.  FEAR. And I am sick of it. I am tempted to go out right now, find the first woman with BPD I see, fall madly in love, and live in delirium for a while. Anything beats this loneliness. I devoured being alone for many months. Would just sit in awe of the silence in my apt, but now I am beginning to yearn female connection, touch, etc. Makes me miss with BPD more than I can express. Near crippling at times, still. I think the impasse is the almost certain fear that I will only go out and choose another wwBPD, and why on gods green earth would I want another one, when I am still thinking about her... .   

And if the woman didn't idealize on me I am near certain I would take this as rejection and bail.  I am so screwed.

I know it isn't funny but your words cracked me up it was pretty perfect why didn't we just give in and stay with our exes then... .but I'm sorry you are so lonely.  We're pretty good company on this board, in times of need.

GM

[rainboja]

We are broken up and going through a bitter divorce (I know that that part belongs on another board).  But yesterday she called and it was one of the few times I answered the phone.  Of course it did not go well, but it set up an entire night of longing to be able to talk/discuss/work on issues with the kids.  It feels like I will have to go through "detox" all over again for talking with her.  It is such a hook because I want dearly to talk with her.  I want to have the connection that I thought we had.  I had opened up so completely to her, mistaking the intensity for intimacy and it felt so good to have someone seemingly so close and committed and fun.  It is an illusion, I was mistaken, but I'd love to have some sort of a working relationship that included kind talk and not arguing.  And I do my fair share of arguing because the world she presents is so twisted and upside down that I get frustrated and start to get angrier and angrier in my effort to untwist and right side up the facts of the situation.

Ug.  But thanks for your post and making me feel less alone in the wee hours of the morning.

[dimin]

I know I still have a lot of work to do before moving on to a healthy relationship.  However, when I think about finding someone else, I wonder if anything will ever match the intense feeling that my exBPDGF and I had when first starting our relationship.  My therapist asks me about this frequently and I don't really have an answer.  I'm 29 years old and she's the only relationship I have had in my adult life (6 years on and off).  Is anyone else struggling with the same question as they detach from their exBPD?

Yeah I hear ya on this one.  Just meeting someone and if they like you and you aren't getting the attention or intensity that your exBPD did, then it doesn't seem the same... .then for me I panic... .do they really like me?

This is exactly my problem.  I always wonder why my need for attention is so strong and I'm actively exploring the topic in therapy.  I always feel like my therapist knows something he isn't telling me and at times I feel a little bit like I'm BPD myself.

[dimin]

Somethings tell me that no I probably won't, or is that belief related to our own personal issues?

I think our own personal issues definitely could be standing in the way.  I've met some great people in my life, but we never clicked.  When things finally clicked with me and my exBPDgf, I thought I found the one.  Now I'm back to thinking that I don't deserve it.

BPD's are definitely not boring. And mine was exciting in very good ways too, along with the bad. Gorgeous. Brilliant. Great sex. One hell of a lot of fun and very "up for anything." I'd be very lucky to find someone like this again without the personality disorder. It's that whole mirroring thing: Obviously I'm like Narcissus in that I fell in love with myself, what he was reflecting of me and my desires and likes and needs.

I'm really struggling with finding someone the same qualities you mention, brilliant, gorgeous, and great sex.  In the end I know that I can have that with my exBPDgf, but all serious commitment is out the window.  I now realize that I want that commitment and that brilliance, beauty, and great sex probably shouldn't be what I'm looking for entirely.

[dimin]

It helps when I think back to all the time and energy I wasted arguing about ridiculous things, most of which only existed in my BPD partners head.  Staying up till 4am fighting and having to deal with the constant drama and chaos was very draining.  

I cannot stress how much I can relate to this.  So many times we'd argue over nothing, for hours.  I too would end up staying up until 4am, then struggle to perform at work the next day.  I certainly don't miss any of those things.

Even when I was validating her I found it draining because often it was for things that made no logical sense, so I was having to warp my thought process just to try and make her feel better.

This is something I'm struggling with a lot right now.  I sacrificed so many of my own beliefs and values to make her feel better so she would make me feel better.  It was a vicious cycle.

Then of course there was the blame that would always fall on my shoulders for not being understanding enough or not loving her enough or not being patient enough.

So being addicted to the intensity is one thing but when you weigh the price you had to pay it help make leaving easier.

It was always my fault, even when she was breaking the rules we had laid down for each other.  I was the one who was being insecure (when she was going out cheating on me).  The price that we have to pay is certainly not worth the intensity and that is why I will continue NC.

[breathelife]

This is exactly my problem.  I always wonder why my need for attention is so strong and I'm actively exploring the topic in therapy.  I always feel like my therapist knows something he isn't telling me and at times I feel a little bit like I'm BPD myself.[/quote]
Me too! I actually started a post asking if I had BPD myself.  I am so afraid of not getting as much attention the same attention that also made me feel suffocated at times.  Let me know what your therapists said.

[dimin]

In the beginning intensity is what I look for. If there is a room full of  fifty nons and one pwBPD, guess which one I will gravitate toward like a magnet. It is so unsettling as a thirty six year old single man to think that all this hunger in me for a "normal" "healthy" r/s is going to manifest as just another dance with a wwBPD. That's why I have been alone for almost ONE YEAR.  FEAR. And I am sick of it. I am tempted to go out right now, find the first woman with BPD I see, fall madly in love, and live in delirium for a while. Anything beats this loneliness. I devoured being alone for many months. Would just sit in awe of the silence in my apt, but now I am beginning to yearn female connection, touch, etc. Makes me miss with BPD more than I can express. Near crippling at times, still. I think the impasse is the almost certain fear that I will only go out and choose another wwBPD, and why on gods green earth would I want another one, when I am still thinking about her... .   

Don't do it man, I have felt the same way many times and I have succumbed to the same temptation.  I always end up in the same place, alone.

And if the woman didn't idealize on me I am near certain I would take this as rejection and bail.  I am so screwed.

I have actually lived this experience out a few times, met a girl, she didn't idolize me, ditched her.  I through away a lot of decent opportunities during a time when I was having no problems meeting women.  Now I'm alone and depressed and in a situation where it is much harder to meet women.

[dimin]

Me too! I actually started a post asking if I had BPD myself.  I am so afraid of not getting as much attention the same attention that also made me feel suffocated at times.  Let me know what your therapists said.

I've asked my therapist this question a few times.  He always tells me the same thing: there are a lot of tendencies out there that make up BPD.  Just because we exhibit one or two of them does not make us BPD. 

[dimin]

We are broken up and going through a bitter divorce (I know that that part belongs on another board).  But yesterday she called and it was one of the few times I answered the phone.  Of course it did not go well, but it set up an entire night of longing to be able to talk/discuss/work on issues with the kids.  It feels like I will have to go through "detox" all over again for talking with her.  It is such a hook because I want dearly to talk with her.  I want to have the connection that I thought we had.  I had opened up so completely to her, mistaking the intensity for intimacy and it felt so good to have someone seemingly so close and committed and fun.  It is an illusion, I was mistaken, but I'd love to have some sort of a working relationship that included kind talk and not arguing.  And I do my fair share of arguing because the world she presents is so twisted and upside down that I get frustrated and start to get angrier and angrier in my effort to untwist and right side up the facts of the situation.

Ug.  But thanks for your post and making me feel less alone in the wee hours of the morning.

One thing that I try to keep in mind and it might help you.  You own your reaction to her "craziness", you can get angry, but you own that anger.  Just because you're justified in your anger it does not mean that it is worth it.  Realizing this helped me finally stopped raging right back at my exBPDgf.  Although my rage was part of our twisted dance.  As soon as I stopped, she stopped feeling like I cared any more.  Which is so messed up, because she always used my rage as an excuse to walk away.  Now she used the fact that I wasn't raging as an excuse.