Is anyone like me?

[kellygirl601]

When I read most of the posts it seems as if your children function in one way or another, be it jobs, school, relationships.

Do any of you have an adult child that does none of these?

I would love to talk to someone in my position.

My daughter is 19.  She can't drive, doesn't work and though she has a few friends, they live about 45 mins away and she only sees them on weekends as they are in school and working.

My daughter sleeps all day and when I get home from work I feel such despair because she is still sleeping and the house is a mess.  She cries and says she doesn't want to live.

She is on med, sees a psychiatrist on a regular basis and has for years.

She sees her therapist weekly.

She recently got on SSI and though we give her money weekly to do things, we are trying to get her medical bills paid down.

Is anyone else in this situation?  

I feel like SOMETHING has got to make this better... anything... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Dear KellyGirl,

Can't respond to your question but was wondering how the hunt for inpatient care is going... .?

lbjnltx

[Being Mindful]

Hi Kellygirl, My daughter is very, very similar to yours. She is 19 and low functioning. She doesn't drive, is not in college although she has tried and failed twice. She has her first job ever and that had been going ok, although after 3 months it too is spiraling down. We see the typical red flags happening. She sleeps all day long too and her only friend is a boyfriend. The only difference is that she is living on her own, although not very sucessfully.

[ontherox]

Hi Kellygirl, my dd19 is about the same.  She can hold a job for a little while but inevitably she messes it up, usually because she_

[Heartbroken Mama]

My daughter, 25, sounds similar to yours.  She's been married seven years (although I don't know how because she's been unfaithful too many times to count).  She has friends that come and go (all unsavoury characters who take advantage of her and her husband, abuse drugs and alcohol).  She's unemployed, claiming benefits, her husband does nearly all of the housework while she mostly sleeps/rests during the day, she doesn't drive (neither does he).  She only just scraped through school, got kicked out of college, had a job for 2 weeks, then left it - just didn't turn up for work.  Even though she and her husband have their own place she still has 'cycles' of drama, crises, apathy, high, low etc etc and tries to draw us into her world.  She's on a waiting list for DBT but won't be able to get that for about a year or so.  Unfortunately, her husband (who is a wonderful, caring, sensitive man) is enabling her behaviour by such things as the above, and also telling her that she needs the rest!  He doesn't understand that he's not actually helping her, but making her more dependent on him than she need be (after we spent years trying to reverse that trend while she was a teen at home) because he has a learning disability. 

I truly hope you find someone here you can talk to - I'm sure you will.

[cfh]

Kellygirl

Though my BPDs 29 is very bright he really doesn't function on any level.  He does have the added problem of having impairment to his frontal lobe (he's adopted and got lousy care in utero).  Interestingly, through neuro testing we learned that the frontal lobe damage affected everything but his IQ.

He's never had a true friend, school has always been a disaster but at least he graduated HS, major behavioral problems, was in treatment centers since age 14, multiple suicide attempts, can't hold a job etc, abuses his prescription drugs. And even when he works with a pdoc or therapist they usually give up on him.  But I can understand why.  Don't know if he's going to make it.   

[cnyphantom]

It's so frustrating to watch your son or daughter struggle and it just seems like there is really nothing you can do to help.

My daughter is 19 and starting again at community college.  She left school twice her first year because she just couldn't cope.  Before her BPD diagnosis she was very depressed and anxious and all the meds they tried were not working.  Dialectical Behavior Therapy is what seems to help the most.  My daughter is very intelligent and once committed to a program of DBT, she does well.  Keeping her on that track is the problem.  I live in fear that she will get so overwhelmed and frustrated she will give up.  I remind her that there is Hope.  Hope can keep her going.  She has days when she does not want to get out of bed.  She is living away from home with help from her Dad and I. We are divorced.  We don't always agree on how to handle things, but bottom line is we want to see her succeed. She overdrew her checking account so badly that I had to ask for outside help to bail her out of that situation.  She is going to therapy and we talk a lot about how important that is. 

She has a hard time with keeping things organized.  I have made many trips to her apartment to help her clean, because she struggles tremendously with keeping things clean.  I see tiny improvements here and there, but it is slow going.

I try to stay positive and it can be really hard.

I try to give her time to take on her personal challenges and keep my distance.  That is hard too.  She needs to learn to live with her BPD and work on the DBT.  I need to learn to let go.  She is learning how to have hope and just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I believe so much in the therapy and the DBT and I remind her that I know how hard it is and I just pray that she can stick with it.

It is a long and frustrating road, but I remind myself to keep the faith.  I force myself to get together with friends and have fun, and not just stay home and wait for a call telling me she needs my help. 

In the past when she has threatened suicide I would rush to her side.  Now I will talk to her on the phone and see if I can get her to slow down and think logically.  If I can't help her, I will tell her that I can call the police and they will come and assess the situation.  This has been very hard, but I know it has helped.

I am still learning and trying to understand.  I am thankful for this site and the sharing and support of others.

My heart goes out to you.  Hang in there.  Research what resources are available to you.  Take care of yourself.  Give your child information on how they can help themselves and establish boundaries about what you are willing and capable of doing for them within limits.

Remind yourself that you are doing the best  you can.

[EmmaB]

As you can see Kelly, there are people like you. You are not alone. 

My dd18 (wow 19 next month)has just went through one month of cosmetology school and did not go yesterday or today and is threatening to quit because her dad won't get her another car.  Her dad and I are divorced and she lives with me. When she turned 16 she was presented with a very nice jeep and he took that away from her because she was being reckless and sold it. He then got her a car and he took that away this passed April because 2 mysterious things happened to it (body was warped) and I don't know that we will ever know what happened completely, and also because she didn't finish high school but instead got her GED and mainly... .the insurance is skyhigh for her. Somehow she got it in her mind that if she went to school, took her meds he would get her a car. Don't know where that came from.

She sees a therapist weekly and a psych every 2 weeks. She's been taking her meds but they don't seem to be helping very much. Right now, for her, everything is dependant upon her having a car, i.e. can't get a job, can't go to school, can't get out on her own... .the list is endless for her. Even though, I've been taking her to and from school every day and also offered her a rides to a job should she get one. She's never had a job. She claims to look but I don't think she looks very hard. I've had to exclude her from driving my car and I hide the keys every night as well as her meds because she has made 4 attempts 2 of which has landed her in the hospital.

I am at work right now typing this and even though my boss (who has been a saint through all of this) has locked me in (meaning I can go home if I want) I have no desire to go home. It's not a happy place to be and I don't want to be around her which makes me feel really crappy. I'm tired, frustrated and just want to get the heck out of dodge. I would love to find a residential place for her for a while that would maybe help her but there doesn't seem to be any where we are that would accept medicaid. We were lucky to get her on that. While in the emergency room with her during her last attempt, we discovered that her dad dropped her health insurance. I was so furious! Her dad is not much help he just thinks she needs to grow up. Which albeit she does but her mind seems to be stuck on 13 years old and she can't seem to make that happen. :'(

[qcarolr]

It is really hard to figure out when supporting my DD26 is what is best, and when that is accomadating and enabling and getting in the way of her figuring it out for herself. I know as I have been better able to step back from her life, she has managed to keep on going and get what she seems to need in the moment. Sure tough though sticking to my boundaries when she is ragin out of control and I have to leave my own house or drive her away from the neighborhood filled with young kids, including my gd7 that dh and I are raising.

When DD was 19 she was a new mom, trying to make her 'happy family fantasy' work with an alcoholic, often MIA daddy. Since then she has cycled through lots of bf's - all of them "this is THE ONE" in the beginning with it ending very badly in the end, often with some kind of domestic violence. I am trying to stay out of her life as much as possible, even as I have her living in my home again.

Just keep working those boundaries and taking care of myself, dh and gd as best I can.

Hang in there - it can change as they get older and we parents learn more. All I can change is myself anyway.

qcr

[cfh]

Kelly... .

As you can see so many of us struggle.  My son is in jail for the second time and I don't know how long he will be in (it was a minor offense but he was already on probation and he knew he was taking a chance). Yes I could bail him out and hire a lawyer like I did last summer.  But with the help of my therapist I have learned that I should only help him if it ACTUALLY is going to help him.  I would do anything for him if I thought it would give him a shot at a better life. 

Still it breaks my heart to know he is sitting in jail yet I am hopeful that maybe this time, this experience will have some effect on him and lead him closer to learning something from it.

At this point the best thing I can do for him is to keep on letting him know we love him.

So you are not alone and this is such a great group of people with very big shoulders!

[mikmik]

kelly,

dd19 is a duplicate of yours (something about age 19?).  Switched Psychiatrists recently.  She does NOT do the usual 15 min med check.  She asks questions, has conversations, investigates till she is satisfied.  DD is honest with her.  PDoc said it is very hard for dd, as she is "highly intellegent" and knows there is an issue.  She says dd knows she SHOULD be moving on with her life, going to school being successful, etc, but she fails and cannot.  That knowledge that she is aware of the timeline she should be following, and that she can't creates her wanting to give it all up (all or nothing).  Pdoc told her your emotional illness is holding you back, we need to address that so you can move forward.  That this is much harder for people who are highly intelligent, with this illness... the painful awareness.  So, she gave her small targets to acheive.  I mean small, like brushing her teeth.  Taking her dishes to the sink, getting the mail.  AND they don't have to be done all in one day.  Just one thing, and then try to build on that.  PDoc said she needs to build slowly on small acheivements (which dd needs to acknowledge to herself, that she achieved something)  She appealed to dd's logic and it seemed to take a bit.  We work on small targets.  She also pulled out a cook book and wants to make dinner.  (I will have to do the clean up, you can just imagine what kitchen will look like).  She is to give me a shopping list the night before.

Kelly, there was something about the way the PDoc spoke to and with dd.  She made it understandable without sounding judgemental.  She explained what was holding dd back and that there is an approach to work out of it, without it being overwhelming. DD still sleeps, she still has to be reminded to take her meds, she is still messy.  She rarely leaves the house, she does not help on her own.  But she is doing one small thing and I have to take that as a victory.  And now we will add one more thing (getting mail, so she will go outside).  This could all fall apart at any moment, but for now... .

Perhpas you have already tried this.  But am just putting it out thre.  I can always relate to your positngs.

mikmik

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[justhere]

It may seem like to you Kellygirl that some of our pwBPD can function in some ways and maybe some can, for a while. My dd was much like your dd at 19, although she did drive but that too can be a problem because she never had enough money to take care of her car and she was risking serious injury for herself and she had my innocent grandchild in tow. Later she had 2 more children who she has moved from place to place, school to school, new dad to new dad and the money over the years that I put into my dd's cars and rents and just help with the essentials has been non-ending. 

My dd has no real friends but did get married, 3 x now and has had at least a couple of dozen live-in relationships and 25 years of school off and on and has amassed 100k in student loan debt and all she was doing was working 3 hours a week in some daycare at minimum wage. I think the biggest thing that you have going for you and your dd is that she is in therapy, something that my dd has yet to have even one hour of.  Our pwBPDs are all different but they are all the same too, suffering the affects of a terrible disorder and unfortunately all those who love and care about them are affected too. 

The best part of this site is that we all understand what you and your dd and your family are going through. You are not alone with this and it can get better!Just keep reading and posting when you are ready.

justhere

[kellygirl601]

Thank you so much for all of the replies, I know this gets so personal, doesn't it?  

The latest update is a step up and a new hope.  I have been scouring the internet looking for someone local that works with or specialized in DBT.  Many places say they do DBT or are trained in DBT, but it's so new, I just wasn't sure.  I found a Dr. at a local university.  He does DBT and BPD's and nothing else.  THAT is his specialty.  Not only is he trained in DBT, but he was trained by and published with Marsha Linehan (I hope I got her name right, anyway she is THE woman that started DBT.)  I was so excited when I read about this man.  I emailed him and told him EVERYTHING!  I'm sure he thought WHO is this woman?  

Well, he emailed me back on a Friday night, just a couple of days after I had emailed him!  We emailed back and forth while my husband and I were driving out of town.  What a wonderful man.  He was able to see my daughter on MONDAY and do an intake.  He also got her into his weekly DBT class where she has to commit to doing this for 6 MONTHS.  I was worried about the cost.  Even though she gets SSI, this is very expensive.  We had been using the SSI for her Dr. costs and to pay off some of her medical bills.  I asked the Dr. if there was a sliding fee, etc.  I told me to pay what I could and for my daughter to pay it forward when she got better.  AMAZING.  Now, she has only gone once, but I think she is ready to do this now.  She did a DBT class a couple years back, hated it, hated the people.  I

have to say that she did not complain this time.  She wished the people were more her age, but thats it.  She also took a temp job. doing retail.  However the depression is still there.  She constantly tells me how depressed and sad she is.  She is on lamictal and and anti anxiety.  I called her psych and left a message that she is so depressed and what did he think about adding an anti depressant.  He called back, left a message and said he didnt think medication would help her. I'm so upset.

[lbjnltx]

Outstanding news KellyGirl!  Hurray for relentless moms... .never give up never give up never give up!

I hope that with time in DBT as well as having the positive experience of working at a job and earning her own money will help lift the depression too.

So happy for you and your family... .so proud of YOU too!

lbjnltx

[kellygirl601]

Thanks!  It also helps that on the weekends she has been staying with friends that go to the college she went to.  She needs to be around people her own age.

[cfh]

kellygirl

That's encouraging (and hopeful) news for all of us!

[heronbird]

My dd is the same :'( but today, she got offered a job, first time in a year she said she would do it, its such a good opportunity, but I know she may blow it and its such a worry as my older dd got her the job.

Oh wait a min, no my dd does not do nothing all day, she just got pregnant so forget the job now she wont be able to do that now, and she wont be able to sleep all day with a baby, or will she

[lbjnltx]

OH GEEZ Heronbird!  :'(  ;p


You must be so very concerned.

[pattyt]

kellygirl,

I may not be saying this in the right way, but I wish my own dd would admit that she is depressed rather than deny it. 

Do you think that by voicing to you that she is depressed, your dd is asking for you to say that you hear her?  Your acknowledgement of her feelings, I think, would help a great deal. 

heronbird,

More worries, but we don't know the future, do we?  Did she sound excited about the job?  There is some time for her to succeed in this job before the baby comes.  Sometimes our dear ones can do things we thought them not capable of if they really want to do them.

 

[cfh]

HB

It's too much! I don't know what to say except hang on we're here to listen.

[vivekananda]

Hi Kellygirl601,

I have been reading in the background but couldn't help but post to say how happy I am for you   to be able to get your dd into DBT with someone who knows what they are doing! I am so jealous and happy for you too.

my own dd31, - no job for over a year, no close relationships all superficial, sleeps all day etc, etc, hit the roof when I suggested DBT. Of course she doesn't accept that she is BPD.

You are so lucky your girl is talking to you, I do hope that you can build on this and go from strength to strength.

It is so good to hear of successes 

Vivek  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mikmik]

Kellygirl,

The phrase " a step up and a new hope", well it does not get much better than that!  I think there must have been a part of your heart that sang!  And lbj reminds us, using you as a brilliant example, that relentless moms are the driving force behind our children's pursuit of wellness path.  Please let us know how she does on this new journey.  I will be looking to your posts, as my dd is so like yours.  kindred souls.

mik

[js friend]

Well done you kellygirl!


Youve done the leg work and now it is up to your dd the rest. Hopefully your dd's feeling of depression should lessen once she out there getting her daily dose of vitamin D and is busying herself all day.

[kellygirl601]

Heron-

I'm so sorry!    I am thankful that my daughter admits she is depressed and has problems.  I can't imagine dealing with someone that fights therapy and medication.  She is also doing well with going to the DBT classes.  I told her I would not ask her about them, but anytime she wants to talk about it, I would love to hear.  Yesterday she forgot her class binder, so I had to retrieve it, it was in her room and not sitting in the kitchen as it had been, so that makes me think she is working it    Her T gave her the idea to try for a temp job in one of the Halloween stores that opens this time of year.  She did and she is so excited.  This is such a help with her self esteem.  I am really working hard on trying to be happy myself.  For so long I felt like how can I be happy when my daughter is suffering like this?  Now I am trying to be content in knowing that I am doing everything I can to help and that's all I can do.

God Bless you and your families-

Kelly

[heronbird]

Kellygirl,

Well done, so good isnt it, its what I long for for my dd. I wait and hope. When she did a little bit of DBT I saw the folder and wow, it was made for her, was so good.

Only thing is I wish I had known some of the things she was doing because I was not told anything. I could of supported her a bit at least, there were things she didnt understand and I wish I had known.

Its funny, she was offered DBT she did it for a few weeks and if you ask her she says she did it for months and its rubbish ?

[kellygirl601]

Heron- I know exactly what you mean-my daughter took DBT for a short time in highschool and she will say that too!  It must have seemed like forever, .  A social worker friend of mine has always said that I will be amazed how my daughter will be say, at 25 years old.  That just growing up will help so much.  I'm hoping that is true.  At 19 she is soo much better to be with than say, 16.  I think I have also learned to deal better.  Such a process!  My best to you and your family!

Kelly

[mikmik]

Kelly and Heorn,

I have heard that the prefontal lobe does not fully develop until 25, so I wonder if that is indeed a magic age some of our pwBPD.  My dd is a bit better.  dd19 is talking about getting her portfolio developed over the next year so she can submit to schools for scholarships. Know she has been working SLOWLY on some pieces.  Pipedream?  or at least it is something positive.

mik

[heronbird]

Kelly and mik

Interesting point, when my dd was 16 to 17 and a half she was terrible, that is true, for the last year I dont know if I would say better but different maybe. I see more trauma in her life, that she seems to make happen really. But, yeah, we had suicide attempts or crys for help more than once a month when she was 16.

Ok so now we dont get the suicide attempts, she still abuses her body, tattoos everywhere done by her non professional bf. Pregnant, maybe drugs, drink and abuses meds. This may all change now she is pregnant.

She loves being pregnant, sent me a text telling me her baby is getting ears this week and how exciting, she says she has never been happier, Im scared that something might happen, if she looses it. She is very worried something will happen to her bf, I think he has a bit of a temper and she is scared for his saftey.

Well, maybe we should put a new topic on here, how are all your over 25s doing, I was also told that the older she gets the easier, but I am afraid I have heard of older people who are not too good, still it must depend on the person eh

We hope

Today dd went to my mums for dinner, she was looking through the photos and saw a really cute one of her cuddling up to me when she was about 7 and so sweet. She says she loves it and wants to frame it, ahhh so lovely. It must mean a lot to them to see that they were loved a lot.

[kellygirl601]

***UPDATE***


Things have changed a lot and I'm hoping for the better and for all of you as well!

My daughter did get her license!  This has been life changing for her.  I went out and bought a cheap, and I mean CHEAP used car!  Cheap as in when we bought it the dealer said "Now you do realize that when you drive it off the lot, whatever happens, happens... ."   But so far so good.  She also took a job at a temporary Halloween shop.  She absolutely loves this job and has made good connections with people working there.  One superviser is up for a mgt position at a small store in the mall and she wants to hire dd when/if this comes through.  As far as her disability, we have to send in her pay stubs and also confirmation from Dr. that she is not able to work a full time supporting type job.  Her driving has been so good, so far.  She did drive to an area that is difficult to navigate, and we had to come get her.  But it was at night and the first day she got the license.  She feels like a freed bird, but is handling it well.  I am amazed at what a difference this has made and Im holding on to hope that it will just get better, but for now, this is good.   I needed good, we all do.  She also got employee of the week and as silly as it was, she was proud and she won a gift card to a restaurant.  Please let me know how you all are doing!

Kelly

[EmmaB]

What a great update Kelly. I'm so happy that you got some much needed GOOD in your lives.