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Posts: 829

« on: January 03, 2013, 08:50:30 AM »

well after being on the staying board for a little while I have decided to come back to the leaving board. for the past month or so It hasnt been really bad a few rough patches but we were able to work through them. Right before christmas she started her nromal routine of not sure if she wanted to be in a relationship and that she was feeling emotional disconnected from me. Well it smoothed over and we had a really good holiday. Christmas day was the best one we had spent together yet. Last year was really bad. The day after Christmas she started with the insults. She had to work and she insisted that I stay at her house. During the day I cleaned up her, nothing major, dishes, took out garbage went to grocery store, started dinner. When she got off work she called I could tell she had a bad day. She asked me to fix something with dinner. I todl her I would she then said no she would fix it when she got there. Once she was home she started being terrible and then told me she had a problem with me sitting on my lazy ass while she worked it reminder her of her ex. I told her I wasnt gonna tolrate that talk that it was degrading and abusive. later she apolized but that was about the 5 time she has done this. We had an argument and I left to get some space. I got one tetx from her on NYE saying she was sorry and that was it I havent heard from her since. In two years I have been put through the ringer. I have been pushed and recycled more then I can count anymore. But for my sanity I have to try and move on. My self esteem and emotions cant take it anymore. The insults, degrading remarks has gotten to be much. Right now I cant sleep and Im very sad with it all because I had really tried my best. I tried to use the tools and I tried to establish boundaries but once again Im at a loss for words. A few months back this all happened and I was done I told her I through and to never call me or bother me again. Of Course she couldnt leave me alone she blew my phone up all hours of the night, drove to my house, threaten suicide and promised she would change. I caved and went back, she improved for a a few weeks then the old person again started showing up. Im still struggling with letting go. BUt I really feel like if I dont walk away this will destroy me.
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 278

« Reply #1 on: January 03, 2013, 09:12:22 AM »


Sorry I don't have all the answers... I have been back and forth my self so many times... .  

And it is usually me that ends it... .  Well sort of... .  I have boundaries and some times for my own sanity or safety I have to ask him to leave... .  He turns the leaving into a break up... .  

I then feel peace... .  And then I miss him... .  

I think you need to give your self space to figure out what you really can and cannot handle...

Right now you are probably burned out and leaning towards leaving... .  

I'm writing this because a week ago I was in your shoes and feeling sure I wanted it to be over for good... .  Now I'm not so sure... .  

In the mean time take care of you!
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Posts: 953

« Reply #2 on: January 03, 2013, 10:19:03 AM »

Try and stick to it this time, it sounds to me like you would have a very unhappy life with her.  It is hard to let go but force yourself to get busy, reconnect with friends and family, take up a hobby, start working out.

I found that writing out a list of deal-breakers I could look at when I felt weak really helped me.

Good luck
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Together five years, ended suddenly June 2011
Posts: 3680

Players only love you when they're playing...

« Reply #3 on: January 03, 2013, 11:11:11 AM »

We had an argument and I left to get some space

Yes,  she will continue to be a very challenging person if you stay... .  you would almost have to take a purely clinical view of the projections and have extremely strong boundaries (some folks have seen a diminishment of insults etc. after they show they will leave anytime it happens)... .  and be very good at emotional self care.  And be willing to do all that as part of staying with her.  Sigh.

And NOT participate in arguments with her.


Arguing with a pwBPD who is dysregulated is like arguing with someone who is drunk, it gets you nowhere, they are a huge waste of time and emotional energy,  they solve nothing, and they are damaging.  Walk, always walk away... .  from any hint of argument with any drunk person and certainly anyone wBPD.  

Take time and reflect on what you really want in your life long term.  This r/s will always be very up and down.


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Posts: 829

« Reply #4 on: January 03, 2013, 12:07:30 PM »

thank you all for this great advice and input. I do want to be done with this and i know Im have that power. Of course its hard. when you step back and look at how one day its the most wonderful thing and then less then 24 hours its a nightmare for no apparent reason. Our one small minor disagreement turns in a life and death battle. How can anybody be so blind that they cant see what the are doing to another person and how a relationship you say you want and then turn around and destroy and expect someone to just sit by and allow you to act anyway you want to with any kind of consequences. I just boggle my mind.
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