Recycling attempts for me equaled the domestic abuse cycle

[smartwoman220]

   One of the hardest things I've had to admit over the last few days is that  I have been abused.  Emotionally, socially finacially and at times physically.  it was hard for me to  say, because on the outside, we were it.   We were a handsome couple: He is an ex marine, fit handsome, and very stylish.  I do full figured runway with a great job and people ofter refer to me as diva. We  drive nice cars and lived in a nice home.  He was gentle  and loving  in front of others and  I was always a lady.  We had the world fooled.

don't be afraid to admit or at least  tell someone close to you  the extent of your situation. I have  poseted here about  some of my experiences, but there have been  others, that   only  those very close to me know about.

My friends took a step back long ago, only because they  couldn't stand to see me hurt.  My family did everything they could to  keep us apart, and  there were times when  i was so angry at my  family  for   things they would say or do  pretaining to us.

But now I understand. 

I am survivor of Domestic Violence.  I smart, i beautiful and I am  alive because  I choose to be honest with myself. 

Recognize  and  admit the  truth... .   Start with this check list, and avoid  new partners, or partners that :

   

Abuse alcohol or other drugs.

Have a history of trouble with the law, get into fights, or break and destroy property.

Don’t work or go to school.

Blame you for how they treat you, or for anything bad that happens.

Abuse siblings, other family members, children or pets.

Put down people, including your family and friends, or call them names.

Are always angry at someone or something.

Try to isolate you and control whom you see or where you go.

Nag you or force you to be sexual when you don’t want to be.

Cheat on you or have lots of partners.

Are physically rough with you (push, shove, pull, yank, squeeze, restrain).

Take your money or take advantage of you in other ways.

Accuse you of flirting or “coming on” to others or accuse you of cheating on them.

Don’t listen to you or show interest in your opinions or feelings. . .things always have to be done their way.

Ignore you, give you the silent treatment, or hang up on you.

Lie to you, don’t show up for dates, maybe even disappear for days.

Make vulgar comments about others in your presence

Blame all arguments and problems on you.

Tell you how to dress or act.

Threaten to kill themselves if you break up with them, or tell you that they cannot live without you.

Experience extreme mood swings. . .tell you you’re the greatest one minute and rip you apart the next minute.

Tell you to shut up or tell you you’re dumb, stupid, fat, or call you some other name (directly or indirectly).

Compare you to former partners.


Some other cues that might indicate an abusive relationship might include:

   

You feel afraid to break up with them.

You feel tied down, feel like you have to check-in.

You feel afraid to make decisions or bring up certain subjects so that the other person won’t get mad.

You tell yourself that if you just try harder and love your partner enough that everything will be just fine.

You find yourself crying a lot, being depressed or unhappy.

You find yourself worrying and obsessing about how to please your partner and keep them happy.

You find the physical or emotional abuse getting worse over time.




There are people out there who can help.  I know everyones experience hasn't been the same nightmare as my own, but if me admitting it can help someone else,  I pray  that it does.  Pain and fear were real for me, and no one deserves to live this way. 


If you  need help call      800 799 SAFE (7233)  Thats the domestic abuse hotline. I promise, they can help.



Merry Christmas guys!     Cheers to happy, safe and prosperous NEW YEAR!

[hithere]

I have always believed that "no one knows what goes on behind closed doors" and my high functioning exBPD was very good and putting on the facade as well.

[Tyrwhitt]

I ticked too many things on your list to deny that I, too, fall into this category.  Christmas has become a non-event, I don't know if he'll stay of disappear with some drama.  I've arranged to see my family outside of my home as I can't have them here.  I avoid all discussion now that isn't about dinner or the dog.  Since being made redundant last week, I've been home all this week and he stays in bed all day til about 3-4pm.  I think I knew he did this, but I was at work and didn't know for sure.  Nothing is his responsibility, except the dog, and I doubt that we have a positive future.

I think I'll stay (although sometimes this changes I think I'll leave), in the knowledge of my marriage has failed and probably did a long time ago.  I have friends who all support me and I'm building my own life.  I used to try with my H, now I know that he's the only person that can help himself and I'm not responsible or a failure for his lack of drive to get up and do things with his life. 

So, thanks for posting such an excellent list and sharing your experience. 

[Newton]

... .fantastic post smartwoman ... .I think that will help many others here   

[rollercoaster24]

Hi to Tyrwhitt, Newton, hithere, smartwoman220,

You hit the nail right on the head there... In the country I presently live in, the jails are full of men with uBP. It used to be believed that it was predominantly a disorder mostly women suffered from, but now they are seeing so much of the behaviors in men who abuse women...

I have some literature on the important steps an abusive man must make, in order to stop abusing and start his own process of healing for himself and other significant relationships in his life. One of the first, is that he recognise his actions are out of control, and that he has damaged the lives of significant people. It is suggested that he make an inventory of those he has hurt, make amends, and take steps to control his own reactions... learning new ways to manage his own emotions, anger etc...

I have not yet, met an abusive man who had ever been prepared to do this... Granted, if in a relationship both partners are responsible for the success, but if only one partner is making the effort, pretty much all their hard work is undone by the party who is being uncooperative and obstructive...

The cycle of healing in any grief, (whether that be death, separation, redundancy, loss of friendship, betrayal, white collar crime, fraud etc) is a spiral, some days you make a bit of progress, and other days you aren't doing as well... We pretty much accept this as part of life, however, the trouble with uBPD is that whilst you are in that cycle and trying to heal, their actions propel things way back, which ultimately undoes any progress you might have made, whether in the last few days, weeks, months, or even in some lucky cases, years...

Obviously, if there had not been any incidents in a year or so, then recovery would take less time, but would likely blow your socks off just as much as if it had been days or minutes since their last outburst... .  

I know in my case, that I must be pretty sick myself, to put up with my uBP male partner verbally abusing me several times per week, usually with a F**Off, or F**you, or Your a C**T!

He does occasionally express concern that there will come a point where I will stop forgiving him, but I always allow him to reel me back in...

Deep down, he is so full of self hatred, and afraid of being abandoned by everybody, that he pushes me away, in order to meet his self fulfilling prophecy about himself, whilst fiercely stating that everyone else has the problem, and he is the poor victim... .  he does this to push down his true feelings about himself... but I am on to it... and not afraid to tell him how it is... I have told him today, that no amount of meeting someone new, or meeting new friends, will help him to run away from himself, I told him that until he faces it, he will never be free... and ultimately will end up alone anyway... .  I also told him that his ideas about seeking help in the 'system' are outdated and old fashioned, in today's modern world... I also told him that the stigma he fears, is not even relevant anymore...

[BillTheCat]

I'm trying to figure out why it's so hard for some of us (me) to admit that we are abused.

I read through that list, and can say "yup thats me" to about 90% of it.  Yet I can't bring myself to say that I am abused.

[waverider]

I'm trying to figure out why it's so hard for some of us (me) to admit that we are abused.

I read through that list, and can say "yup thats me" to about 90% of it.  Yet I can't bring myself to say that I am abused.

Personal pride, shame, and completely clueless about what to do about it, the result is we delude ourselves.

The realization comes as a shock to as it was a long gentle slide into it.

[GustheDog]

I'm trying to figure out why it's so hard for some of us (me) to admit that we are abused.

I read through that list, and can say "yup thats me" to about 90% of it.  Yet I can't bring myself to say that I am abused.

Yeah, I agree that it didn't seem like I had been abused either, especially considering it was me who'd been labeled the abuser. 

But now it seems obvious - I was subjected to egregious abuse.  Think about how your partner made you feel.  You probably wouldn't be posting here if you felt good.  A person who makes you feel this low is abusing you.

[Vindi]

thanks for this post, and its true, i also think alot goes on behind closed doors that we do not know about. i think opening up and talking about it is good. I can add myself to this category, and also to the not leaving... .  why do I stay? I saved this list and need to re read it frequently. 

[BillTheCat]

I'm trying to figure out why it's so hard for some of us (me) to admit that we are abused.

I read through that list, and can say "yup thats me" to about 90% of it.  Yet I can't bring myself to say that I am abused.

Yeah, I agree that it didn't seem like I had been abused either, especially considering it was me who'd been labeled the abuser. 

But now it seems obvious - I was subjected to egregious abuse.  Think about how your partner made you feel.  You probably wouldn't be posting here if you felt good.  A person who makes you feel this low is abusing you.

Yes to all of the above: I am continually labeled as the abuser, and I would not be posting on a message board if any of this felt good.

[Mike_confused]

Smartwoman220,

thanks for the checklists in your initial post.   Those signs of abuse apply to men also, and in fact apply to me.  I never thought I could be abused... .  ex military officer, CEO of a nice size concern... .  me?  Abused?

Yes.

[ohmygosh]

I find the hardest thong with being emotionally abused is my own retaliation.  In the end we both have reason to call the other an abuser.  Hard to then apologise for your own part cause it opens the door to further abuse.

[Mike_confused]

my uBPD wife could always get me to blow up with enough abusive criticism... .  it would take longer and longer for her to push me that far, but should can still do it.

[GustheDog]

my uBPD wife could always get me to blow up with enough abusive criticism... .  it would take longer and longer for her to push me that far, but should can still do it.

I can relate to this.  But I would not apologize now for many of the (relatively healthy and natural) reactions I've had to my exBPDgf's provocations in the past.  By her "standards," it is simply not permissible to ever become even remotely angry about anything, at any time, ever.  And that's just absurd.

And, I kid you not, there were points during our relationship when she expressed her irritation that I was too mature/responsible/well-adjusted, etc.  For example, she'd observe me handle day-to-day situations that may involve some level of conflict or disagreement with another person, and be visibly perturbed by my ability to take it in stride.  So, even if I could live up to her impossible expectations (which is, well, impossible), I suspect I'd be raged at for being "too perfect."

You are not allowed to win, ever - or even break even.  You must constantly and perpetually assume the subordinate role of doormat.  All doormats will eventually become soiled and get discarded (or at least devalued).  Uppity, insubordinate doormats are discarded more quickly.

[Mike_confused]

Gusthe Dog... .  

you threw a strike... .  I would fall in the uppity, insubordinate doormat category.  When pushed I would let her know where I stood... .  which in tern she considered verbal abuse.   Pot calling the kettle black... .  I was supportive to the point of being an ass kisser.

[ohmygosh]

Yes agree with that as well.  To start with I was too good for her and in the end I was the bad boy.  So yes I guess anger is a natural emotion we are entitled to express within reason otherwise your a pushover.  It all seems to boil down to pointless unless they are not in denial and getting honest.  Hard to ever know when they are honest.  Lack of trust and my own abbandonment fears would run riot.  They would need to give you control of them or at least partial control to allow anyhthing to improve.  Slim chance of that happening.

[GustheDog]

Gusthe Dog... .  

you threw a strike... .  I would fall in the uppity, insubordinate doormat category.  When pushed I would let her know where I stood... .  which in tern she considered verbal abuse.   Pot calling the kettle black... .  I was supportive to the point of being an ass kisser.

Same.  I'm an abusive, narcissistic, manipulative, rage-drunk control freak.  Yet I've somehow managed to hear plenty of others describe me as a calm, rational, contemplative, soft-spoken, thoughtful guy.  I must've really pulled a fast one on the rest of the world. 

[GustheDog]

Yes agree with that as well.  To start with I was too good for her and in the end I was the bad boy.  So yes I guess anger is a natural emotion we are entitled to express within reason otherwise your a pushover.  It all seems to boil down to pointless unless they are not in denial and getting honest.  Hard to ever know when they are honest.  Lack of trust and my own abbandonment fears would run riot.  They would need to give you control of them or at least partial control to allow anyhthing to improve.  Slim chance of that happening.

I neither want to be controlled nor have control over anyone else.  I want to willingly commit to another person who, in turn, voluntary commits to me.  What should be a very simple concept that serves as the foundation for a reciprocal, monogamous relationship, is somehow overblown with all the complexity of particle physics and all the drama of a war-zone in the BPD mind. 

Somehow the fact that I expect her to NOT bang other dudes is an act of control?  I mean, there's an opportunity cost involved on my end too - that's how it works.  Control has nothing to do with it (for a non).  But, for the BPD, your concerns, feelings, boundaries, and human dignity do not exist.  You are an object, in a pretty literal sense.  The BPD knows only how to take, use, consume, destroy, smear, manipulate, contort, guilt, shame, sabotage, insult, project, abuse, deceive, and - of course - control (but with a dash of projection so they can claim, and you can feel, as though you've done the controlling).

In short, I want a r/s with an adult, and that's not going to happen with a BPD, regardless of her chronological age.

[ohmygosh]

I agree control is not an ideal thing to aim for.  I guess transperancy is a better word.  In my case she would make a decision after a healthy discussion then change her mind without telling me.  So if she she could simply let me know I have changed my mind or ideally say maybe I think this idea is better what do you think.  A healthy couple would discuss everything and make a decision together.

[GustheDog]

I agree control is not an ideal thing to aim for.  I guess transperancy is a better word.  In my case she would make a decision after a healthy discussion then change her mind without telling me.  So if she she could simply let me know I have changed my mind or ideally say maybe I think this idea is better what do you think.  A healthy couple would discuss everything and make a decision together.

Totally agree.  I wasn't trying to give you a hard time - just ranting a bit (that's what I come here for)!

[Mike_confused]

All:

interesting discussion regarding control:  my position that the only person I demand control over is myself.  My uBPD wife resents that.

[rockhardabsman]

Funny I can actually check off every single thing on your list in regards to my dBPDexgf. Pretty sad I let myself become so lost in this relationship.

[gbpacker48]

Hello everyone! 

Smartwomen this is a fantastic post. My uBPDH falls into many of the above categories. For me I can say at least half of the previous points are true for my uBPDH also.  After 30 years and 6 children later I realize what stuck means. Leaving isn't always easy , I have health problems can't work and make money but if I could it would be easier.  More then anything my children have a father who does love them.  Many BPD people, reseach has shown has been  caused by parents leaving children through divorce, I hate to repeat that pattern for my kids.  Although I don't condone anyone being in a unsafe situation.

My updH I pray knock on wood has improved with the domestic violence and he hasn't pushed or shoved since 2009.  Although sometimes I feel uncomfortable or unsafe with his reactions.  Definitely I will seperate and move into my trailer if he is violent or threatens me.  The big thing is even though he's better I still have residual effect called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which can be triggered and resurface.  Although I did EMDR which is amazing, I have options of repeating EMDR if needed.

The thing that sucks is the fact that there is a grand canyon between him and I when it comes to feelings.  When your with someone who is on a 10yr old maturity level the communication of a normal relationship is not there.  He never says I love you or demonstrates any physical connection which is different then sexual.  He cares but he can't express it.  Even though I want to say it doesn't matter it does.  There can't ever be a new relationship with anyone else ever because he has ruined me for good.  Never could I feel safe or trust someone in a relationship.  

This man has never said sorry or admitted something was his fault in 30 years time.    When there was domestic violence in the relationship for sure it was my fault.  Every problem we've had it is something I did wrong.  So there is this very raw anger that I feel at times, the thing that has saved me is art.  Five years a go I was art iliterate but it's a great outlet because it's truly endless.  Staying focused on things that really matter like my children and grandchildren. 

For all of you who are truly struggling my prayers go out for you.

 Cheers,

Kim

[rollercoaster24]

Hi again to all, 

This one from ohmygosh hit home again for me... .  

Your statement about the hardest thing being your own retaliation, so true...

Especially when you flat out use the validation, the SET, set boundaries, and it gets nowhere...

After yet two more incidents of abuse from uBP in the last few weeks, and where I actually thought we were starting to progress again... slam, he ruins it all in five seconds, and then just expects me to once again tolerate it...

He wins, when he gets me upset, losing my temper and shouting back... .  And I try so hard, daily, to not do so.

I put up with so much crap, ignorance of my feelings or opinions, interruptions whenever I try to talk... (usually every single thing I say ends up in an instant to be about him or another reason for him to talk about himself... )

Does he need any motivation really? It is actually all about him, whilst he runs around saying he is doing the right thing by everyone except himself, then it is his own fault anyway, then back into blaming again...

Over the last few weeks, BP has been back spending each night at my home, occasionally here during the later part of the mornings until later afternoon, where he makes his exit, (to avoid my family and possible 'conflict', huh!

Later, around 7.30pm, he is at my work, 'helping out', but mostly, he tries to draw me into these lengthy projection sessions about my son in law, daughter, his Father, his brother and his wife, and round and round...

I get to the point, after continual validation of his feelings, observations, where I do not, and can not listen any longer... if we are still at work, I exit, and say that I still have stuff to finish please... He hangs around outside chain smoking, and coming in and out, trying to start the conversation again... I state that I do not want to hear any more about it for now thanks... He usually ignores me several times... but eventually, accepts it... and goes to sleep...

I get the same tired thing every day... and all these same sorry subject people, are to blame for his sorry life, and current circumstances... he then says it is Ok, and we can just keep doing what we are doing, (which in his eyes is the right thing to do), and continues to drive around in his car, spending petrol he well cannot afford, allegedly, smoking, drinking takeaway coffee, buying takeaway foods and drinks. Going backwards and forwards to his parents, when he has things there he is selling, then buys some other car part for his project car, (which is miles away from ever being legal to drive he says!) ignores maintenance on the car he is driving legally, (just) and now it is about to blow up, and needs some serious money spent on it... luckily he is mechanically minded, but his lack of funds, correct tools do not enable him to complete every item on the maintenance list...

In the last six months, he has had a really good run, making a lot of extra money, selling car parts he has found, in some cases, he has snuck into scrap yards or peoples yards and stolen them, and justifies this because he is a desperate man... Oh, so that gives you entitlement to steal does it?

He has tried at times cunningly, to try and make me an accomplice before I realise, and I have told him I am not a part of his crime... and to not complain to me if the worst should happen... he might get a beating even if caught by a hot blooded male...

What I know, is that I cannot trust him... I do not know if he has truly been faithful, and likely hasn't... given some of his lies and actions past... I know I can never rely on him for anything, never plan a real future, work towards it and stick to it... and likely will have to eventually give up forever, or lose my heart and health eternally...

It is all very sad... I love this man, understand his illness, tolerate his abuse, occasionally retaliate, but know that the less I see of him, perhaps the better... As his actions do not change, no matter what I try to do...

He seems hell bent on getting me upset, so I can feel like he does inside... if I react the same way, once in a while, he wins... so I am doomed if I see too much of him... yet without him and the close contact, what is it we have?

I feel like just being a friend, and maintaining detachment... this is where I am at today... I do not even think that having him as a lover will do me any good...

Without realising it, this seems to be what he is offering me anyway... He does not realise that if he has nothing he can promise me, then surely it is selfish of him to expect to be my lover... wanting me in his life, but not wanting me basically...

I am going to think seriously about what I am going to do from now on... having tried everything to no avail...