New member but I need you all to decipher this texts from my wife. kind of LONG

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello all and I just want to thank you all in advance for reading this.  Back-story is my wife an I have been married since 2006 and after our 2nd daughter was born she was admitted to a hospital because of a mental breakdown.  During that time in the hospital she was diagnosed with BPD/Bipolar. I took care of the children and she "befriended" a man while at the hospital and called me one night from there and told me to leave the house, she never loved me and I took the kids with me temporary thinking it was her way of dealing so I left the marital home and stayed with a family member. Unbeknownst to me when she left the hospital to come home she invited this guy to our home and slept with him.  He turned out to be a total psycho and she told him to leave.  This was in September of 2011.  She told me and we split up for a few months and got back together at the end of December of 2011 to work on us.  So now in June of 2012 she kicked me out again after I thought things were going okay between us. We have been separated since.  I tried so hard to re-engage her throughought the summer and recently found out she has been sleeping with a different guy now.  I found out and these are the texts she has sent to me:

" I know its completely unfair to you and I feel horrible about it.  I have to go with what my heart is telling me and not worry about what others think get in the way.  I don't know what I would do if you were completely out of my life.  I love you and I know actions speak louder than words and I know I have to show you how much you mean to me.  I'm not going to give up on us.  I am going to end things with **** for good.  For once in my life I am going to think whats best for me... .I did a lot of thinking last night and all I know is the person I want to be with is you.  I know I've said it before, but I feel like this is my last chance with you and 'Im not going to let it slip through my fingers... .I don't know what the future entails all i know is that we can get through this and we'll get through anything." 

So after that we hung out a few times, he said that it wasn't fair to me to be serious with me until her feelings for the other guy were completely gone.  WHAT?  What is that? Yesterday she didn't text, call, answer any calls or anything.  Then will call me like nothing happened.  Here is my question.  How does someone that I care about so much write things like that and not deliver or act on them.  I've known this woman for over 10 years, but this all seemed to come crashing down after our 2 daughters.  Any insight would be so appreciated.

Thanks,

J

[jcvirtual]

Hello all and I just want to thank you all in advance for reading this.  Back-story is my wife an I have been married since 2006 and after our 2nd daughter was born she was admitted to a hospital because of a mental breakdown.  During that time in the hospital she was diagnosed with BPD/Bipolar. I took care of the children and she "befriended" a man while at the hospital and called me one night from there and told me to leave the house, she never loved me and I took the kids with me temporary thinking it was her way of dealing so I left the marital home and stayed with a family member. Unbeknownst to me when she left the hospital to come home she invited this guy to our home and slept with him.  He turned out to be a total psycho and she told him to leave.  This was in September of 2011.  She told me and we split up for a few months and got back together at the end of December of 2011 to work on us.  So now in June of 2012 she kicked me out again after I thought things were going okay between us. We have been separated since.  I tried so hard to re-engage her throughought the summer and recently found out she has been sleeping with a different guy now.  I found out and these are the texts she has sent to me:

" I know its completely unfair to you and I feel horrible about it.  I have to go with what my heart is telling me and not worry about what others think get in the way.  I don't know what I would do if you were completely out of my life.  I love you and I know actions speak louder than words and I know I have to show you how much you mean to me.  I'm not going to give up on us.  I am going to end things with **** for good.  For once in my life I am going to think whats best for me... .I did a lot of thinking last night and all I know is the person I want to be with is you.  I know I've said it before, but I feel like this is my last chance with you and 'Im not going to let it slip through my fingers... .I don't know what the future entails all i know is that we can get through this and we'll get through anything." 

So after that we hung out a few times, he said that it wasn't fair to me to be serious with me until her feelings for the other guy were completely gone.  WHAT?  What is that? Yesterday she didn't text, call, answer any calls or anything.  Then will call me like nothing happened.  Here is my question.  How does someone that I care about so much write things like that and not deliver or act on them.  I've known this woman for over 10 years, but this all seemed to come crashing down after our 2 daughters.  Any insight would be so appreciated.

Thanks,

J

[Washisheart]

Hi & welcome. I am fairly new here myself.

I am going through the same thing with my ex bf. Four years total, first two strong, about to be engaged & married. Three weeks before he was supposed to ask me to marry him, he took off. The last two years have been heaven to hell, he loves me, but way no, he loves her, then he loves me, then a new her. He has been gone (again) for a week now. This is the third time he has left (took all his stuff) in two years. I don't know which direction to go in. I love this man, I was ready to give him the rest of my life. We have been there for eachother through so much. And now I have to somehow accept that I don't mean anything to him & losing me for the rest of his life won't matter.

It's like they are super human, they just walk around with no real deep feelings. Loving whoever can serve their current needs & desires. And when that one gets old, they poof disappear & move on to the next.

My exBPDbf is not violent with us. So I can handle a great majority of the disease. I can take his fits, I can calm him down when he gets going, I can put him in his place if he says the wrong thing. But I CANNOT take this in & out game with my heart. It's killing me & my daughter is so hurt as well.

The crazy part is most people can't stand him. They can only take him in tiny doses. His friends avoid him, his family ignores him unless he just shows up. These new flings he tries to play house with don't last because they can't deal with him. I am the ONLY person who is happy to be with this man after so long, the ONLY person who is always there for him and it means NOTHING.

I know I have read people with BPD are capable of love. I don't see it. He doesn't know what real love is. He has as much empathy for what put me through as a robot would.

I wish I could tell you some awesome miracle story about how me & my BPD overcame this senseless disorder (, believe me I do!), but all I can tell you is to look out for yourself. Take care of your own needs & guard your heart. Your wife wants to finish her fling & leave you hanging in the balance for when she feels like dealing with you. If it's one thing I have learned, it's even if they come back there is no security. They are always on the lookout & their next trip to the corner store could lead them to the next person who comes in between you guys. One day your life is great & they make you feel like you are the best thing on earth. They next day, you are walking in your home only to find all their stuff is gone.

I wish it was different. Believe me.

[OutsidetheHermitWalls]

The real answer is I don't really know, no one can really know how another person is thinking in even a normal situation.  But I will give my biased opinion on what the text is saying.

I know its completely unfair to you and I feel horrible about it.  "Means in this moment for this moment, which will completely change, I feel horrible, and it's unfair for me to feel horrible."


I have to go with what my heart is telling me and not worry about what others think get in the way.

Means:  I am having a strong feeling for this moment, my feeling is more important than you, in fact there is no you, you are an objective of my mind upon which to project this feeling, it makes me feel better for this moment.  I don't care what others think, because no one really knows what it's like to live being me.


I don't know what I would do if you were completely out of my life.   Means:  I am so out of control I need to have control over you; I need you in my life but only as I seem fit, because you are an object a toy for me play with when I so feel like it.  Most of the time I like new toys because they can still fit my idea as the "ideal" today that will never leave me.  You are no longer the perfect toy, but in absence of a new toy, you will do if only for a moment.  I need to know that you will stay put.  I will leave you if I can just find a more sustaining perfect toy.  I just  have not found one yet.  So please stay put.

Why I think this is my ex wife used many of the same techniques.  When I resisted compliance, then she went on annihilation mode.  I am still reeling, but healing)

(my ex-wife left me after 7 weeks of marriage.  She left with no notice.  On the fourth day we were supposed to talk on the phone, instead I received an audio file texted to me with conditions that would have to be met if I wanted to save the marriage; though no guarantees.  it consisted of me realizing the reason she left was all my fault and I must get help.  She would also ask for a legal separation.  She would store stuff at our place until which time she found a new place.  Two days later I got one phone call that was really tender.  24 hours later I got email saying is I want marriage I must support her for an unspecified amount of time; $2500 month, $1500 for a legal separation that only costs $450.00.  When I refused without a discussion, notwithstanding I did not want any of this; divorce papers 1 weeks later, complete smear campaign:  restraining order with false allegations.  Most painful 5 weeks of my life.)

I love you and I know actions speak louder than words and I know I have to show you how much you mean to me.  Means:  I need you to think I will demonstrate actions so you stay still, I most likely will not show you anything unless I become desperate and out of toys; but I know I can hook you with my words and you will ignore my actions.  Look at how you have behaved thus far.  I can give you so little and yet you wait.  So I don't really need to show you anything, I just need to drop a text

I'm not going to give up on us.  I am going to end things with **** for good.   Means this toy is not working, but I am still shopping. 


For once in my life I am going to think whats best for me... .I did a lot of thinking last night and all I know is the person I want to be with is you.  Means:  While I shop I need you to think you matter in this moment.  I wish I could hold onto this moment, but sorry have to go 'shopping' for the next toy.  Maybe stock will be low, so I may send you a text, a crumb, because as I am starving for my black whole to be filled, I have no problem with you starving either, welcome to my life.  And plus the reason why I am starving is you were not the perfect toy, and you put me here you must understand.


I know I've said it before, but I feel like this is my last chance with you and 'Im not going to let it slip through my fingers... .I don't know what the future entails all i know is that we can get through this and we'll get through anything." 

This line is really good!  Meaning despite the pain I cause you I know you will take it and take it and take it, hell you should live in my head.  I would care about you if I knew there was a you, but to do that I would have to have a me, which I don't have so because I don't exist how can you. 

Sorry if this is harsh, and I could be wrong, but I am sure you are just wrecked right now this kind of relationship is traumatic and tragic for both of you.  But until you find you and save you, you will just get sucked down her black hole.  If she is not in treatment you don't have a chance, and even with treatment it's not an overnight event, it takes time and committment.  Just like you will not recover this overnight nor will I.  If you are truly meant to be you are going to have to be a full complete self-esteem renovation, which right now you are broken.  Fix yourself.  Pray for her.  Good Luck

[Washisheart]

That is exactly how I feel they think Blake. It's the harsh, crappy reality of the situations we found ourselves in.

Sometimes I wonder what made me so"special" that I wasnt introduced to the harsh reality of that which is him much earlier. Or maybe I just ignored the signs... .It seems like everyone else he messes with is done dealing with him rather quickly. It was two years before I had the rug ripped out from under me... even living together & spending ALL of our not at work time together we got along great.

We NEVER argued. There was never a reason. Now it's like I was I guess they call painted black in his mind & will never be worth that type of commitment again.

[doubleAries]

greetings, jcvirtual, and 

I'm sorry things are so difficult for you right now. But all of us here do understand and are here to support each other through this. My husband and I very recently split up. We have been married 16 years. He is diagnosed bipolar and ASPD, NPD. I spent many years trying to make sense of his behavior, not seeming to grasp that his behavior doesn't actually make sense--he's mentally ill.

We do have lots of good resources here--articles, videos, workshops, chat groups--and I'll be happy to refer you to some of them. Maybe this is a good place to start: Video-What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

You may also find this article sheds some light on your predicament: How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

So I'm not clear on where you would like the relationship to go from here? Do you plan on staying in the relationship and want to learn to improve things? Are you undecided? The more I know, the easier it will be to point you in the direction where you can get the best info and chat with people with the most similar situation.

Hang in there, we all understand how hard this is!

doubleAries

[mssomebodynice]

Wow.  Blake, you are near genius!  What a great brake down of the truth behind what these people say and think.  It is truly a wonder.  I know one thing is true.  I do not want to "stay put" while they are on a constant lookout for a new and better toy.  It is amazing to me how they all have the same personal traits.  It is also a disappointment to myself how I fall into the catagory of "broken toy".  I am a "broken toy".  A healthy/working 'toy' moves on to a home where it will be loved and adoured, valued and admired.  We are all on that "island of mis-fit toys (Rudolph)" and I feel like the train with square wheels.  I just don't seem to go anywhere, even though I would like to leave.  I wish my heart would listen to my head. 

[Washisheart]

It kills to think I am a broken toy   I don't ask for alot. All I wanted was for this man to love me, deep down in his heart love me. I want to be valuable to him, I want him to see my worth & to feel blessed to have me.

And like you ms. I can't bring myself to move on. I don't have the heart to love somebody else & I can't tolerate the thought of living the rest of my life without him.

I am under his spell. This man is like crack to me. And noone in my inner circle understands it.

He said he was moving out of the area next month & besides the fact it's killing me, I guess it is what I need. Let him make the decision to move on for me. Unless this new toy isn't codependent material, then he will probably be back

[OutsidetheHermitWalls]

Hey you two!  First don't focus on letting them go!  You probably can't yet.  Touches on finding you.  If I can suggest the following:  it's a writing exercise.  It came to me intuitively.  On the top write the following question:  This is what I will trade for the "feeling" of not being lonely, of a "feeling" of acceptance and approval, I will tolerate the following:  ?

I made a list: it said things like I will tolerate, disrespect. Paying for everything, accepting a restraining order etc.  when I looked at my list I realized how little I was really getting in exchange for temporal feelings that are really my job to give.  It was unfair of us to expect that from another person. Especially, someone as empty and tormented as them.  Imagine if they had brain cancer which they could not see, and a symptom of the cancer is they see you as the cause of their pain.  Would you expect a lot from them.  We at least if we have courage can work through the pain and heal.  It will take awhile, but if we expect them to see themselves and heal so we could "have" them; should we not at least be able to demonstrate we can do that ourselves. Are we really that selfish.  They did not cause our pain they only helped reveal it.

[Suzn]

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[Validation78]

Hi JC!

Sorry to hear of all the hurt and confusion in your relationship! BPD is a mental illness that without understanding, leaves us dazed and confused. Although many pwBPD exhibit similar behaviors, it is important for us to remember that they are not all the same, and we cannot simply group them into the same category. Double A has given you great advice by directing you to some reading material to learn more about BPD. Your best bet, before making any life altering decisions, is to learn all that you can, including communication tools that will help you to improve your relationship whether you work things out or not. The fact is, you will always be connected because of your children, and knowledge is power!

I also think you would be well served to read as much as you can about boundaries. Many of us here, myself included, have/had, weak boundaries. We allowed our loved ones to treat us in ways we never thought we would accept from anyone, yet, we did, or do! Hummm, what's wrong with this picture? The simple fact is, we teach others how to treat us, and when we don't have strong boundaries, indicating what we will not tolerate, we imply that the behaviors someone exhibits are alright with us!

Keep posting. There's a wealth of information and support on this site!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[jcvirtual]

Thank you to all of you that responded. Now I will read, and re-read each and every comment again and try to slowly piece together my new year and hopefully new and better/different life with me and my children as the main focus.  I still am and probably will be low for a long time, but as long as there are important things to focus on and I keep coming here to heal and read all the other posts, I know I/we will get through all of this.

Thanks again!

JC