Merry Christmas again

[DestroyedLife]

My 22 year old son isn't talking with his BPD mother anymore. He expressed his true feelings to her and spoke with her about the hurt she's caused him and the abandonment and she told him that he didn't feel that way and that she was a great mother, (a helicopter mother is what she said). She also accused him of not haveing any original thought or ideas and that he has been brainwashed by me to hate her. So not true. He is very much his own man and I can't convince him of much. I also feel terrible that my children hate their mother. It just doesn't seem real. All of this is so surreal. I do still, even after almost a year and a half, since being very screwed around and betrayed by her, I still feel like I'm going to wake up from a strange nightmare.

She does keep me in the nightmare though. She and her pro bono lawyer have the courts supporting her to not allow me overnights with my 12 year old. I was forced to go to anger management class and for a psych evaluation because I wrote some nasty texts to her. I jumped through all the hoops, did everything they required and they're still stopping me from seeing my child for overnights. I am so devistated. He's so confused. I was supposed to have him for the entire vacation, I was going to take my two sons to NY for the holiday but she stopped me, and I will be with him for only 4 hours this afternoon for the whole vacation. I feel like I've died. New lawyer and a lot of money I don't have to be spent, coming up after the first of the year. I can't stand this. My oldest son and I have been crying for days about everything. We used to be a close family. Now there's nothing. . . just devistation.

[atcrossroads]

Hi there,

I don't have children with my uBPDh, so I can't begin to understand all you are going through.  This is the first Christmas, though, in 12 years that I have spent alone without him (he went to his parents house since we are separated now).

While I can't relate to the custody battle and legal games she is playing, I am so sorry you have to suffer this  - sounds like torture to be away from your child over the holidays.  I hope your new lawyer will research BPD issues with parenting and order a psych eval for her.  BPD moms can do a lot of damage to their children.

Hang in there... .you are not alone in the misery.  I wish you all the best and hope that at least some of the custody issues can be worked out in 2012.  

[DestroyedLife]

Thank you atcrossroads. Your kind words and understanding mean so much to me. I am cooking a rib roast for my two sons and crying my eyes out. I am so frustrated with not being able to do anything about this. I really screwed up sending those texts to her - nothing threatening or worse than anything said in an argument but the courts seem to give out retraining orders like candy - the judges are afraid to not do so and be brought up if something happens. I never even got to face my accuser to answer the allegations. Guilty upon request. It's unconstitutional. Being challenged in Massachussets. I want to start a support group for BPD victims in the Dallas area. I want to challenge all the laws that are worked against us and pro bono lawyers need to check backgrounds and see that the "victims" fit the right profile for free legal service. Thanks again for your kind words. Sorry if I went off a bit. I can't seem to lose my anger with what she's doing to my little one and I.

[atcrossroads]

No worries on the venting -- you are entirely justified.  I know you feel pain seeing your sons suffer too because of her vindictiveness.  Anger is a part of the process, one of the stages.  She has really wronged you over the custody thing, but please take hope that your new attorney may be able to bring the big guns and help you get custody back of your younger son.  Your older son may even be willing to testify or write a statement as to his mom's behavior. 

On another thread (I can't remember who said it), but a member commented that his divorce and custody battle was hell and cost him thousands he didn't have.  He was nearly destroyed financially, but said now (I believe he is a couple of years out), it was all worth it.  He has come back stronger, recovered his finances, and his wife was not able to play her game of keeping the kids from him.  It truly is sick to use the children as pawns.

Again, I'm so sorry you are going through this... .I always wanted kids, but we couldn't have any (and uBPD also belittled my abilities to be a good mother - in hindsight, I realize that was one of many cruelties).  I feel grateful I don't have to battle with him over children (though we will be somehow battling over the pets), but I firmly believe for you and others, it is worth every cent to get a GOOD lawyer who will help you with custody.  Keep the faith and enjoy the time (albeit limited with the younger one) with your boys.  Take care!

[DestroyedLife]

Thanks again.  You're correct about the lawyer. It's just that everything takes so long and I am 64 years old and getting very sick from all of this. I don't know if I have time. She is 10 years younger and looks like she's about 30. People were saying I looked like I was in my 40's until recently. I have age quite a bit and developed a stress related heart problem. Funny about pets too - when we separated she made a point to give me one of the dog beds, (we have two dogs an 8 pound mini dachsund and a 40 pound mutt that looks like a dingo). They were my exercise - I walked them more than a mile a day. She had nothing to do with the dogs except occasionally cuddle with the little one. I only got to spend one night with them in two years. She said she was afraid to be alone in her house  without them. I eventually got a new dog. I now have the 40 pound mutt too because he developed diabetes and went  blind and she couldn't take care of him either financially or practically. I'm sure I'll get the other when she is old and sick - she's 13 now. The nightmare just goes on and I'm not going to make it out of this.I feel like I'm dying.

[DivDad]

You need to retain a good attorney who can put together a detailed parenting schedule that includes school, holiday, and weekends.  Normal schedules that most divorced couples adhere is too general and assumes that both parents are normal.  Borderlines are not.

Be generous with the schedule. 

The Borderline will bauk. 

The goal is to get a comprehensive locked down schedule.

The Borderline will follow it for awhile... .  but will begin to vioate it.

Going back to court on the Borderline violations is your only recourse.  Borderlines will NEVER follow a reasonalbe parenting schedule.  They will, over time,... .  cause chaos with you and the kids.

The Borderline will fight tooth and nail on every holiday, pick ups and drop offs.

They don't want a schedule.  It's all about them... .  and control.

Make sure pick up and drop off times are in hours.  That is, pick up Friday at 5pm... .  drop off Sunday at 6pm.

Just agreeing to days... .  will cause total chaos with the kids over time.