Threatening to once again withhold contact - more of a vent than anything else

[Catsmother]

The uBPDxw is once again threatening to withhold contact for my SS8 and his father, my DH. There are court orders in place, and it is specific as to time spent with each parent. She is custodial, but it is shared legal responsibility. The orders were written when she lived some distance away, so we only had SS during school holidays. She has since moved closer, but not close enough for 50/50, so they have temporarily agreed to EOW and 1/2 school holidays (the holidays being the same as per the orders). She contravened the orders when she mmoved, but DH has been trying to negotiate new orders since then.

She is now trying to get SS diagnosed with either ASD or ADHD based mainly on him having meltdowns on a daily basis lasting from 20 minutes to 3 hours when in her care. Please note that he does not have these in our household or at school. She is also trying to say that he does not make friends at school and that he tends to be a bit of a loner. This is not what has been reported by the school in at least two communications we have had with them, but was reported in a third which was mostly written by her sister-in-law (who has been SS's teacher for the past 6 months, and whom BM said that she didn't know taught at that school).

A guidance officer earlier this year gave a provisional diagnosis of dyspraxia, and at no time have the previous school, the current school or the guidance officer indicated that they thought SS had ASD. I just spoke with a cousin of mine, and she said that in her opinion, it did not appear that SS has autism, ADHD maybe, but not autism. My pscyhologist is also of the opinion that SS does not have ASD, or ADHD, and that rather his "slow processing speed" is the reason behind the low school marks. The low grades also started when SS's little sister turned about 6 months old, as his results before then, whilst not great, were at least average.

DH sent an email to BM, and stated that he thought it would be in SS's best interests to change living arangements, so she could concentrate on her 2yo and SS could concentrate on school. She has responded with "as you have stated that you will withhold SS at the end of your time, I will not be handing him over". Now nowhere in the email does it say that we will withhold him, only that the end of the holidays (Oz) would be an ideal time to make the change, which was the recommendation of the family report writer.

When BM moved closer, she withheld SS for 5 weeks, as she wanted DH to sign something promising that he would return SS. This would have ruled the court orders invalid if he had. She has also withheld SS in the September 2 years ago, and the holidays just prior to her lodging the court papers. She also took SS out of school, and did not tell DH where he was in the weeks leading up to court.

SS has also stated that BM hits him (which he retracts quickly), and has stated that SF hits him and pushes him to the ground. There are no bruises or other signs of abuse, so we are going on the word of an 8 year old, so very little we could do reporting wise.

DH is understandably upset by all this. We already had communication issues on Christmas day, and now this. He has already not seen SS for over two weeks now due to how the holidays have fallen, and it would have been, if we do get SS, 4 weeks since the last time we had seen him.

DH did respond quickly to her email, and stated that he thought she needed some professional help.

[Matt]

Every time there is such a threat, document it - get it by e-mail if possible - you probably shouldn't be communicating with her any other way.

If the court order is violated, document that too.  Go to the place where the exchange is supposed to be, at the right time, and document that you tried.  Go to her home - at least two adults - and document that you were refused contact.  Maybe photographs, audio or video, with timestamps if possible.

Then file a motion for contempt, and ask for sanctions.  Say what exact part of the court order is being violated.  Make your motion very simple and clear:  The court order says X, and she did Y, so she is in violation of the court order.  Don't include anything else - just what is directly related.  The judge may not read it if it's long and complicated.

If she does it again, file another motion, with both violations documented.  Continue to add to your motion, or file new ones, til the court acts.  Do not back down or she will continue to ignore the court order.

[Catsmother]

We know about the threat because it is in an email. (thank goodness) We already have email traffic from when she previously withheld the child as well.

Filing with the courts is slightly different here in Australia but reasonably similar to what you recommended.

The exchange is in a public place, but we should be able to get a receipt that would show time and date on it. I take it for the 2 adults to go to her, that the recommendation would be that the other person is a "neutral" party, as in, not me?

[Matt]

You could be one of the adults.  Ideally it would be a non-family adult third party.  (I'm speaking based on what my lawyer told me, in the US.  I think we have similar legal traditions, but it could be a little different in Oz.)

[Catsmother]

Thanks Matt. I think it would be best that the other adult is not me. The uBPDxw dislikes me, and has done so for as long as I have been in DH's life. She would have hated anyone, so I shouldn't feel singled out, but SS has previously expressed his love for me, and that has caused her to feel extremely threatened as a mother.

All this is because DH wants to follow the family report writer (possibly a bit like your GAL) about their recommendation re living arrangements.

Another email received this morning. Appears to be a bit all over the place, very choppy, and she obviously cut and pasted, because there are two sentences the same in two paragraphs. DH had already told that he wanted a reply within 24 hours to his email about whether she was going to hand SS over. He said in his email that if he didn't hear from her, he would assume that she wasn't going to hand SS over.

So her email this morning says that considers DH saying that he would like to change living arrangements means that he is going to withhold SS. All he said was that this would be an opportune time. So then intent of her email was that she was not going to hand SS over.

Had a quick chat with DH. Told him about the email. Told him that I have drafted three responses for him, but that he has the option of not replying. At this stage, that is the option he is going with. Change over is less than a week away, and I would hazard a guess that uPBDxw is wishing to engage DH in a dispute. He usually does engage. She will be expecting some sort of reply, and a fair amount of grovelling from him. Hopefully this time, he will be strong. He is upset about potentially not seeing SS, but he has gone 6 months before, due to her withholding without seeing SS.  SS will know, as he is now 8. So not a babe in arms.

DH did suggest to uBPDxw that if she did withhold SS, then he would be informing the paediatrician and the school (so the school can check on SS), and probably the police as well (for a welfare check).

[Catsmother]

Thought I had best give an update.

There were more emails. Mostly from her solicitor asking for DH to confirm handover. He just kept reiterating that he had never withheld the child, but that the mother had previously withheld the child etc. Both the ex and the solicitor made statements that DH said he would withhold the child. DH kept asking for them to indicate where he actually said that in his emails. Of course, it wasn't there. But they kept on about him saying it though. So he dug his heels in and refused to confirm handover, and reiterated that if the ex did NOT hand the child over then she would be in breach of orders.

The child was handed over, and is currently spending school holiday time with us. The ex did not say anything.

[Justadude]

We need to bring the stigma of dead beat moms to society. Ugh I feel your pain, I really do.