Entering the legal arena here...advice? hope?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

uBPDstbxw has filed divorce (in U.S.)  We have two kids ages 2 & 4.  Mother and I have had an on again, off again long-distance relationship since our first child.  Recently married 7 months ago, now she's filed divorce.  While I have always shown up at every opportunity to be the father my kids need, Mother is still "primary caretaker."  Since our recent separation I have arranged my work schedule to allow my availability to be about 50% of the time.  It is my absolute and incontrovertible believe that my children need the stability I am able to provide- as opposed to the predictably unpredictable  emotional chaos met out by their mother.  I tried everything to make the marriage work, but the raging, emotional abuse etc brought me to the conclusion that this would never change and the children would be better off with us divorced.   Now I find that she is clearly planning a legal approach based on the fact that I have historically been available only about 30% of the time (despite my new work arrangement) and that the most important thing is "consistency" for the kids.  Her legal strategy is quite clearly to limit my custody to about 30% percent despite my greater availability.  I love my children and I absolutely believe exposure to her is emotionally damaging to them.  We've just entered the court system.  My uBPDstbxw is extraordinarily intelligent, a professional, organized, without a moral compass and capable of lying about anything and in short, in the words of an attorney, a dangerously well-appearing and credible witness on the stand.  But I know who she is behind closed doors. 

    I can afford legal council, but am limited in our small community.  The most promising attorney I've met with said he "... .knew a little about BPD." For the sake of my children I cannot lose this 'battle.'   Again, I love my kids and will go to any length or expense to do what I believe to be the best for them (i.e. time with a stable, if not perfect, loving parent.)  Any advice?  Any hope from anyone else's experience in similar situations?  Mediation, which is scheduled, will not work. I will not capitulate to her plan.  Any thoughts are appreciated.

Thank You

Theirdad

[theirdad]

uBPDstbxw has filed divorce (in U.S.)  We have two kids ages 2 & 4.  Mother and I have had an on again, off again long-distance relationship since our first child.  Recently married 7 months ago, now she's filed divorce.  While I have always shown up at every opportunity to be the father my kids need, Mother is still "primary caretaker."  Since our recent separation I have arranged my work schedule to allow my availability to be about 50% of the time.  It is my absolute and incontrovertible believe that my children need the stability I am able to provide- as opposed to the predictably unpredictable  emotional chaos met out by their mother.  I tried everything to make the marriage work, but the raging, emotional abuse etc brought me to the conclusion that this would never change and the children would be better off with us divorced.   Now I find that she is clearly planning a legal approach based on the fact that I have historically been available only about 30% of the time (despite my new work arrangement) and that the most important thing is "consistency" for the kids.  Her legal strategy is quite clearly to limit my custody to about 30% percent despite my greater availability.  I love my children and I absolutely believe exposure to her is emotionally damaging to them.  We've just entered the court system.  My uBPDstbxw is extraordinarily intelligent, a professional, organized, without a moral compass and capable of lying about anything and in short, in the words of an attorney, a dangerously well-appearing and credible witness on the stand.  But I know who she is behind closed doors. 

    I can afford legal council, but am limited in our small community.  The most promising attorney I've met with said he "... .knew a little about BPD." For the sake of my children I cannot lose this 'battle.'   Again, I love my kids and will go to any length or expense to do what I believe to be the best for them (i.e. time with a stable, if not perfect, loving parent.)  Any advice?  Any hope from anyone else's experience in similar situations?  Mediation, which is scheduled, will not work. I will not capitulate to her plan.  Any thoughts are appreciated.

Thank You

Theirdad

[Justadude]

The court does NOT care about you or your ex. They care about the best interest of your children. They represent your children. You remember that and put all the emotional stuff aside and you do everything you can to prove you have the best interest of your children at heart and that includes lifestyle changes to be available for them 50% which if your marriage worked out your children would have enjoyed.

[withBPD]

Her legal strategy is quite clearly to limit my custody to about 30% percent despite my greater availability.

Hi TheirDad. I am going through a similar situation as you are. The only difference is that my stbxw is a stay at home mom who wants full custody. She made a few false allegations on her petition to justify the full custody. Luckily I had evidence such as texts, call records, emails, etc to disprove her allegations.

My advice to you would be to start a log or journal of your interactions with your stbxw. Have a digital recorder on you and if possible, record every and all interactions as an insurance just in case she makes any false accusations against you.

[ForeverDad]

History does mean a lot.  My custody evaluator said history was important.  He stated up front, without knowing our case, that no matter how bad she looked or how good I looked, I couldn't do better than match her history as Stay At Home Mother (SAHM).  However, months later after tests and interviews, his report stated bluntly that mother could not share 'her' child but father could and that if Shared Parenting was attempted and failed then father should get custody.  Unfortunately, when Shared Parenting did fail, the court ruled that the prior CE report from nearly two years before was 'stale' or too old to use.

These days many courts claim to be gender-neutral but often the mothers are given default preference anyway, it's just not advertised as such.  Judges are often allowed discretion n their decisions.  When my now-ex and I first appeared in family court, she had been arrested for threat of DV and had a case pending in the county's court.  Though the case number was listed on the court papers, the only question was, "What are your work schedules."  I said I worked a regular job. She said she "worked from home".  Mind you, that was $100-$200 per month and she was blocked from the residence due to my TPO at the time.  She got temporary custody and it never got better until the divorce was final a couple years later.  (I now have custody, but it took 3 more years and innumerable more incidents of her lack of cooperation and co-parenting.  I'm still in and out of court, my court is still trying to figure things out seven years after separation, it chose to do things the "baby steps" way, each time I get a little more authority, each time her past misbehaviors are sometimes moved to the "dealt with" category and all thereafter ignored.)

Something that is commented about often here is how the misbehaving parent's poor behaviors seldom get consequences and our good behaviors seldom get credit.  Yet, that is our challenge, an uphill struggle to show how we are willing to share and cooperate with parenting but the other parent isn't.  Frankly, it won't work when one parent is pushing and the other is pulling.  However, that won't stop the courts from making orders as though both parents are working together.  The professionals expect the separation and divorce conflict to subside in time, but it doesn't account for the never-ending conflict and obstruction caused by a personality disordered parent who cannot be reasonable nor reasoned with.

Give priorities to her poor behaviors regarding parenting, hers or yours.  Courts seem to deal with people as though they had two separate sides, adult behaviors and parenting behaviors.  They may or may not look at the adult behaviors but they largely dismiss their impact on parenting, as though a person can be a lousy adult but an okay parent.  For that reason, list all the misbehaviors, but focus the most on the parenting misbehaviors, including those where your ex sabotages or blocks your parenting.

[david]

If her legal approach is to limit you to 30 based on your past work schedule then make sure she says so on the stand. Make it clear that is her only reason. After that is clearly established show that you have arranged your work schedule to make a 50/50 arrangement work and that it has been in place for quite some time.

[scraps66]

Theirdad you do know that your availability is but one of no doubt many criteria for determining custody in your state.  I'm in PA, and yes, I forget how it's written in the law, but either parents lifestyle and ability to support a 50/50 schedule does factor into the determination.  But there are many other criteria that can overshadow this one factor, like, stability of either parent, either parent's support system, the mental "fitness" of either parents, each parent's ability to cooperate and support the children's relationship with the other parent.  There are others that could no doubt be tipped in your favor.  So maybe the best course is to put the 50% availability in the background and talk up the real important stuff. 

I am and was in your situation, professional career and I travel a bit.  Ex is a teacher with a cupcake schedule and we ahve 50/50 physical custody.  You may also want to write in, (I need to put this in my Custody Order), that you will trade time if you lose some time with the kids to work.  My ex does not do this and scoffs when I ask, but it is typical for parenting agreements to have a trade clause, that parties will "cooperate" to provide either parent equal time "in the best interest of the children."  Also be careful of the tax implications, if you have 50/50, each parent gets one kid for tax purposes.  My ex, all by herself, determiend that since she had the kids more time than me, she would claim both kids - each of the last two tax years.  Her tax return just gets rejected and I tell her in advance that I am claiming S8, she can have S5.  But she continues to try this crap.