2013 - The year I take back MY life

[parent of bpd daughter]

My first post here 2 years ago. My BPDD is now 32yo. She's not any better despite supposed medications, thousands I personally spent on joint DBT with her -to have her sit and say nothing or make up grandiose lies about our family. Thousands I spent on family trips to try and bond, countless sleepless nights worrying about her safety and those around her. In my own therapy now I have finally realized it's time to be done.

In the 32 years on this planet, she has never uttered the words "I'm sorry" for anything - even as a child. I have always believed there is more than BPD, maybe some autistic problems too. She does not show any emotion but anger and rage - ever. When her own father died, my husband, her response was to physically assault me and try and steal his wallet from my home - hours after his sudden death. Yet still I kept trying to reach her soul.

No one, save for some on this board, can ever know the pain and humiliation it is to file restraining orders against your own child as I did years ago, to fear she will kill you in her next rage, to fear for your other children caught in this mess. To have judges, doctors, friends, family judge you because your child is not well.

She married her partner over the holidays - an abusive controlling person from an abusive controlling family that has been very mean to me and my youngest daughter the only 2 times I've met them.

I gave her $25k for "grad school" last year - she bought her partner a new car with it. 

It is really time for me to let go now. I will send cards for xmas and birthday and talk about the lovely weather any time she may call - which is very rare thankfully. I will no longer reach out to her in any other way.

The rest of  my life belongs to me. Hope some of you can reach this closure if you have to. There is no helping a BPD person when they have no insight and do not realize they are ill.

I hope my youngest and I and the rest of society remain safe from her rages, I've done all I can do. 

Bless all of you here on this board - none of us deserve this hell we live through. I pray for medical breakthroughs to help those who have yet to travel this road, there has got to be a better way.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Aussie mumma]

Dear parent of BPD daughter... .my heart goes out to you... .I too know have been experiencing the same issues as you...   sending you best wishes...  ... bring on 2013  

[Survive2012]

Dear Parent of BPD daughter,

My thoughts go to you. I understand that after 32 years you wish to think of YOUR life. It is amazing how you could stand 32 years of this! I love my son dearly, but often I have the feeling I just can't take any more after only three years of this. Imagine after 32!

Try to take care of yourself, put all the broken pieces together. Try to think you have done all you could, and the best you could.

I wish you a very soothing 2013.

Survive

[Aussie mumma]

Dear Parent of BPD daughter... as mothers we like to think we can fix all the ills our children go through... .I've tried to help dd on numerous occassions... .my dd has never apologised to either dh or myself... yes there does come a time where you have to let go ... I had to do this for my health.  as we've been having problems with dd for 20yrs now... .now the gd is using dd's BPD  to get around her mum... which is terrifying me... but thats another story... Keep smiling parent of BPD daughter... .look forward to the new year... with your young children... .Have a happy new year  

[js friend]

I wish you a great New-year Parent of BPD daughter  


I have already begun to make plans for the New-year myself which focus entirely on me. 

I know my dd will think that Iam am being selfish to focus on myself for a change, but she thinks that about me most of the time anyway so it makes no difference really.

.

I have reached Radical Acceptance with my dd18. I cant change her behaviour. And for now it doesnt look as if she sees any need to change it either.  

All I can do is continue how learn how to respond to it.

Take care pobd  

[mikmik]

Dear Parent,

Hoorah for you.  Thanks to much support on this board, I am letting go a bit of how my dd19 keeps me wrapped in her world.  I too hope 2013 will be a time to take back my life as well.  I think I am in the tiniest ways, but they are steps.  I did some self care things for just me yesterday, and while I was gone, I did not check on dd to see if she got up for work.  I worked out, and focused on my breathing.  I am going to visit a variety of churches to help address my spiritual needs.  Yes, taking back our lives.  BeingMindful gave me the push to do so, with steps I could deal with, and not feel overwhelmed.

I hope in so many ways that your post will give more of us permission to shift the intensity of our focus.  And we can dare to foucs on us.  For the betterment of the whole.

Happy New Year!

mik

[lovesjazz]

Yes, we, too  have let go after hundreds of therapy session, thousands of dollars on rtc.  We love him dearly, but can only do so much. We are fortunate he lives across the country and don, t have to deal with him on an everyday basis. When he calls, it's all surface talk... .any questions trigger an argument or lies. So we are heartbroken, yes. We started at an early age to get help, but at this point, hasn't learned from what he was taught. You are doing the right thing in taking care of yourself.

Spiritual guidance is a huge help.

[Someday . . .]

Wow, it's amazing how so many of our stories are similar.  Last spring was the time that I finally got to the same point that you are.  It was after thousands upon thousands of dollars was spent, many therapists, psychiatrists, well . . . you know the story.  I had come to the realization, also, that I had done EVERYTHING in my power for my daughter to get better.  That was the turning point of me realizing that I needed to take care of myself.    I hear the pain in your post and want you to know that you are not alone.

I wish for you a New Year that is soothing and peaceful.  May you do the things that give you enjoyment and happiness.

Good luck!  We're all in this together!

[catsprt]

I have reached Radical Acceptance with my dd18. I cant change her behaviour. And for now it doesnt look as if she sees any need to change it either.  

All I can do is continue how learn how to respond to it.

thank you, j's friend - so well expressed.

Best wishes for all parents of BPD children. May peace be with you!

In 2013 I will stay a passive (heart, mind and acts) to dd's drama.

[Kate4queen]

I totally understand and wish you the best 2013 in the world.

[qcarolr]

dear parent of BPD D -    wishing you find great things for yourself in 2013, and for the others on your family. This is such a hard place to come to. What ways are you thinking of the help you make this work?

qcr  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[cfh]

I guess this would be my New Years's resolution

Try one last time to get court mandated residential treatment for ds

If he gets kicked out of treatment and goes back to jail accept that it was his choice

If he has to do time in jail... .have visits and make sure they end on a happy note (I can do this)

Sell my house to pay off all the hundreds of thousands in debt we have accumulated over the years for his treatments

Move back into my little apartment (the board of directors had an attorney serve us with notice that ds cannot live there or they will start eviction proceedings)

Get a yearly subscription to the theatre so I will always have something to look forward to

Plan to spend more "girl weekends" with my friends and cousins

Spend more time with gs6

Take a vacation to a warm spot with dh

Start Family Connections 12 week course January 9th!

Get my hair highlighted

Take better care of my skin

Get back to the gym

Gain back the 10 lbs I lost

Spend more time with my non ds

Go to more concerts

Remember to take my antidepressants

Happy 2013!

[mikmik]

Bravo to you cfh!

I really like the idea of the theatre and going to more concerts!  And by the way, I think I found the ten pounds you lost, would be glad to give them back to you

mik

[twojaybirds]

theater... moives... concerts... .  working out  what great  YOU-plans.   

[NikiTea]

I wish you the best!

I'm happy you have found out what you need to do for yourself. I am telling my mother to do the same thing, I have a 25 sister with BPD living at home, who is absolute denial anything is wrong with her. I don't think she'll ever be able to comprehend the negative effect she's had on the rest of the non-BP family or why she IS different. I hope and pray someday my parents will have the courage to LET GO, move on, and financially (and emotionally) cut her off.

I also know a possible BP person who is in her 50s and is still dependent on her non-BP elder mother. And she will keep taking everything she can from her until the end. It's a sad look into the future of parent-relationships of BPs in denial.

[Eclaire5]

It is difficult to let go, but it is a MUST if we want to make it. We don't help our BPD children by enabling them and getting tangled into their drama. My daughter is almost 20 y/o, but we began to deal with her increasing symptoms since she was 16. The first couple of years were literally hell on earth, but in the past several months with the help of a therapist my husband and I are on our way to accept her for who she is, but to keep our distance as well. We are financially able to help her out with her rent, but we are being very clear that we are not paying for anything else. If she quits her job or gets fired, then she will have to find a way to eat, even if it means going to a food kitchen (can't come home because we moved away with my new job). If she calls screaming and crying that she needs money we are just going to have to be tough and deal with the guilt. So happy I found this group, it has been healing to hear your stories. Best wishes to all for this New Year.

[Deena]

Hi --

I'm new to this list and I can already see that it can be a great comfort. I have a 21 year old daughter that is currently in a residential program that treats a lot of issues, including BPD.  I'm wondering if anyone has had any experience with the Angelus House at Wellspring in CT?  She has been there for 3 months and doesn't seem to be getting any better.  And it is a fortune to keep her there. 

I live abroad so I have sent her to the States to attend this program.

I'd love to hear if anyone has had any personal experience, either good or bad, with this place? 

Thanks.

[Survive2012]

Hello Deena,

Welcome on board! You will find plenty of help and support here. I am quite new too, but I already feel very at ease here!

I do not have any experience with the place you mention. If you wish to get the more replies possible, I would advise you to create a new topic of this with a clear title. More people will come across it.

By the way, I live abroad too. I live in Italy.

Have a good day,

Survive

[suchsadness]

Hello parent of BPD daughter   

I can understand completely where you are coming from.  My dd35 is very similar to your dd by the sounds of it.  She too has an abusive partner (at least last time I knew) and a very dysfunctional life.  I feel like I have tried and done all I can, and it is now (2013) time to let go and move forward with the life that I have with my dh.  I have reached a place of acceptance that it is her life and she is the one in control of it.  I will continue to have a realtionship with her children to the degree that she allows and communicate with her on the level that she is comfortable with... .  and accept it for what it is.  The serenity prayer says it all for me:  Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can... .  and the wisdom to know the difference.  Happy New Year to all