My BPD girlfriend is leaving me again

[exgf]

My BPD girlfriend is leaving me again...

I've dated her for over 10 years off and on and I really love her. I know everything in the relationship was not perfect. However, I really tried to make it work. When I first started dating her she was in therapy and she told me she had BPD.  So naturally I looked it up in  books and they gave short description of what BPD really was but did not understand it. But I did not really care I really did love her with all my heart. Things that troubled me with the relationship

1) Drinking almost every day. Not a lot of alcohol but had to have it everyday in moderation and sometimes drunk

2) Her spending was way out of control. At some point I stopped paying for everything or I would be broke. She was really mad about that.

3) Her gambling was crazy. She would spend all night in front of the slot machines and spend so much money.

4) She would get into arguments with everyone even my best friends. And if I talk to that person then she was really pissed off at me. She isolated me because she got into argument's with everyone.

5) When she leave's me she takes her daughter with her. I love that Little girl so much. Its not my daughter. However, I love that little girl so much as if she is taking away my own daughter. Is that wrong?

6) I did not spend enough time with her. With work and school I think I neglected her. But I could not be there all the time. It was draining to solve all her problems for her.

Well for the first 4 years we were dating and living apart. Then for 3 years we lived together. Then we graduated college and she went to medical school. I stayed there and worked and paid the bills. Then three months later I get email of her breaking up with me. I called and emailed trying to fix the relationship with no luck. I guess she met someone else and did not care about me. I called and emailed with no response.  Then 3 months later she calls me and wants money. I tell her I want to fix the relationship. But all she wanted was money because she spends money like crazy. Of course I give her money then she does not call until she needs money again. She gets kicked out of medical school for grades. And moves back home with her mom. So now she lives close and we start the relationship again. I guess she was still seeing the other guy also. But I did not care I loved her so much. So we dated for 3 years and I was happy. Then out of the blue she says she's getting married. I was so confused and upset. I keep calling and emailing her trying to fix the relationship.  Finally the new boyfriend calls me and says you need to stop calling her. Then I said well I'm confused I've been dating her for the past 3 years. He starts to flip out and says they've been planning the marriage for the past 6 months and I did not know that. He was really upset. Not at me any more but that he's been lied to by the girl. The new guy seemed really in love with her and did not care what I said. I guess they are going to continue to get married. I'm so upset. I really love her and I can not move on. I keep emailing, calling and showing up where she hangs out. With no real luck in getting her back.

I'm not sure what I should due. However, I know its not healthy for me to keep calling her. But I don't want to loose her. Help!

[Inside]

exgf,

To some degree I suspect everyone on these boards can relate to what you’ve just described.  I’m no expert, but feel you’ve described the ‘long term’ scenario if I stay with my uBPDgf.  I’ve seen the statement, “But I love her” used to criticize us …and have a hard time arguing with the point of ‘we’ being too weak or stupid to leave.  But they are so unstable and untrustworthy it only seems ‘right’ that on the flip-side lies us – stable, loving and committed individuals willing to stick with them no matter what.  But as you described (and I can so relate... ) those “what’s” pile up!

My problem is I love mine, too.  But unlike her, out their flirting with any and all in a constant attempt of cultivate my replacement, I’m not.  I’m avoiding thoughts of other women, averting my eyes and being the loyal guy she relies on.  Yours has obviously acted upon her twisted desires and is concentrating on the new guy, just as she once had you.  And, he’s smitten!  May I cuss?  Cuz that’s the crap every one of us knows is just under the service of their ‘loving’ behavior toward us and it’s only a matter of time before they act on it.

What’s terrifying to me, when reading about what I’d consider long-term relationships like yours, is that they still fall apart – no matter how hard YOU try.  …and after breakup/ makeup number 4 or 5 for me - here I go again…  But I’m obviously reading these boards to figure out just how much I want to expend or invest and determine if it’s really worth it.  

You’ve obviously got it bad, as likely we all do…  and though they’re never really gone, is the best we can do to be ‘the other guy’ to our brethren... ?  Is that what we want?  I know their allure leaves us feeling as though we’re ruined for any other women… but are we?  Or do the women we should be with simply appear too slow in comparison... ?  …all cautious about linking their stable and caring love with a worthy mate?

I’m sorry – and feel your pain.  Thank you for sharing it.  I suspect someone will ask you the pertinent questions and give some real advice.  All I can do is assure you you’re not alone, and, you’re surrounded by pretty good company.  Stay strong, get your PLEASE READ together, focus on family and friends, stabilize, then trudge ahead – one damn day at a time.  We’ll never forget them, though every logical fiber of our being knows we should.  

[forgottenarm]

Hi exgf and welcome 

I'm so sorry to hear what's been going on with your girlfriend.  It sounds very painful.  I especially resonated to what you said about losing contact with her daughter.  I lost two stepchildren when my relationship ended and it's extremely distressing.

It's important to seek support at times like this, so I'm glad you posted here.  There are many people in this community who've been through similar situations.  I think you'll find a lot of support and understanding here.

How are you coping, day-to-day?  Do you have friends or family nearby you can lean on?  A therapist?  I know a main concern of yours is how to approach this situation with your gf, but I also want to make sure you're getting the care you need.

[exgf]

It's just so hard! I was in a relationship and out of the blue she leaves me. I'm really having a hard time get my PLEASE READ together. I keep emailing and calling only to the silence treatment of no response or no answer. I love her so much. How could she be so cold.

[exgf]

I stopped cry as much everyday! Which is a good sign. Lost like ten pounds due the stress. I'm trying to stay active walking and writing in my notebook. However, It is still painful everyday. I keep thinking she will break it off with the new guy and come back to me. Which is not health. But the worst part is I will never see the little girl again. Thats the worst part.

[tryingtogetit]

I do feel for you, you have clearly been through the mill and more.

And it surely sounds like a very rough time for you right now.

To me it sounds like it's not up to you at all anymore. I doubt there's anything you can do to change the situation. Trying prob only makes it hurt more for and might well have the opposite effect.

What you can do however, is try to focus on yourself and direct all your love for her to you.

From what you wrote it appears you were really trying and she seemed to be using your love. If you try to believe you are basically a good guy, you might be able to believe you don't deserve to be played. Trust yourself that you can survive and get through this. and love yourself enough to give yourself a chance on a better life.

At this moment you sound like you're in great distress, You can't expect from yourself to do something about this while in great distress. And what you've done didn't help so you have to try something different.

Let her go for now and start loving yourself. Act in ways that you can feel proud about and good things will come to you.

[forgottenarm]

Oh, of course . . .  this has to be terribly painful!  You're going through a huge adjustment, nevermind the pain involved in processing her new relationship.  I've been through some of that and it's unbelievably tough.  It's absolutely natural to be sad and stressed out.

I'm glad you're walking and journaling.  Those are both very important actions that will help you cope and feel better.   Keep doing those things.  And post here as much as you want.  Sometimes it just feels good to vent!

exgf, I'm attaching an article you might find helpful.  I read it 100 times when things went south with my ex.  It gave me a lot of perspective:

Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck - Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

If you have time to read more, you might also like this book:

Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder - Shari Manning, Ph.D

I hear what you're saying about hoping to get back together with your ex.  It's a helpless, frustrating feeling when a person doesn't respond.  But it sounds like you've made your feelings clear to her.  The ball's kind of in her court now.  Maybe it's best to let all that go for now, while you focus on your own needs and processing all that's happened.

Do you have access to/interest in therapy?

[Inside]

exgf, ‘There’ (above) is the advice you deserve and need. 

One thing I’ve learned is if ‘they’ know they’ve got you, as in you constantly reassuring them of your love and attention through texts, calls or emails - they don’t have to bother ... courting you.  My assumption is the other guy’s currently on her pedestal, she knows she’s still ‘got you,’ so until she paints him black …which if there’s a wedding in the works (that I’d bet against) …you’re Plan B.   

Live like you deserve better, because you do.  And – take the advice above.  I know it’s painful …I just went 3 months NC with ‘mine.’  Yah… we’re ‘back together’… But look where I’m at – back here trying to make sense of it all …and not having heard from her for 24 hours …after a marathon texting session just days ago.  Focus on self – focus on self – and focus on those who love you back. 

Hey, I’ve got a file of choice nuggets I’ve harvested from this site, maybe I’ll post them someday.  But I added one from your friend, “stop making someone a priority who makes you an option... .”  Yes – listen to your friends.  I know... you’d expect love to transcend ‘friendship’… but in our cases, it apparently doesn’t, as our BPD’s walk a fine line between love & hate.  But positive effort is never wasted, and what you’ve invested in her daughter will likely outlive us.  Now ignore me and focus on the advice above ~ I’m still learning

[exgf]

Thank you for all of your support. However, it is way to painful. I love her and her daughter so much. Its been a month and I keep calling and calling and emailing her. I feel like forest Gump always chasing jenny. I really understand that movie so much more after dating a BPD. I don't want to loose them. they are my whole world. They are everything to me. I can not imagine my life without them in it. I'm really down on myself right now! I need a therapist I think. To talk to. I've read books like the walking on egg shells and couple other ones. I wish I had read them while I was dating her. It would have helped.

[Oneneatguy]

EXGF

Many of us on this support group can empathize with you and feel your pain.  I have been divorced for 7 months and the pain is still there.  Being a member of this group helps.  It's easy to say move on, I read your posts and that seems to be the logical conclusion, however emotionally it is next to impossible.

I saw my ex this past weekend, she told me she wanted to be friends.  It was extremely difficult but I said I was not interested in being friends and wanted No Contact.  I know my emotional vulnerability and contact with her makes it worse. The only reason I had the strength to say I wanted No Contact was from reading the posts on this website, listening to what others had to say.

My prayers are with you.

[forgottenarm]

You're in the thick of it, exgf.  Things will get better, but right now, yeah, it's got to be very painful.  It's okay to feel that pain---let it move through you.  It's all part of healing and gaining clarity.

This situation will resolve itself in time, but while it does, it's crucial that you get good food, exercise, and social contact.  Make yourself your number one priority and do things every day to take good care of yourself.  I've found that being around other people is so important.  It keeps my mood up and helps me stay balanced.  Try to make plans with friends and get out as much as possible.  It might seem like too much, but choose people who can listen and support you.  Reach out for all the support you can get.  Keep posting here.  It all really helps.

I can't say enough about therapy, too.  I started seeing a therapist I had interviewed when my ex and I were still talking about seeking couples therapy.  I started going on my own and it has been life-changing.  If nothing else, it's immensely helpful to have a sounding board while you're processing all these feelings.

Sending you lots of hugs and positive thoughts, exgf.  Hang in there 

[exgf]

Help! The pain is to much! I miss her so much and I can't do anything about it!

[Inside]

Hang on!  Distract yourself – in a healthy manor.  Do not give her the perverse satisfaction of taking you down – and don’t expect to help or hurt her by taking yourself out.  If it gets too bad - check out the following links/ resource (from this site):

American Foundation

for Suicide Prevention

www.afsp.org

National Mental Health

Association Crisis Line

(800) 969-6642

I’m sure every damn one of us on this board has felt your pain – or some day will.  Share it, out run it, out smart it – but hold on.  BPD's are broken, we are only hurt, if deeply.  We will heal …they may not.  But do not let your worth be determined by a sick person and don’t let her illness infect you.  I want to keep reading your posts – though they’ve brought me to tears – keep em coming! 

[forgottenarm]

exgf, we're here for you!  What's going on right now?  What's making it especially difficult?

[TheRealSully]

Exgf... .    if you lived in South FL, I'd ask you what you were up to tonight and we'd go out.

You see, I am now 2 weeks into the same exact thing you are going through. 

My wife of 10 years, who is my best friend, who I have been with for 12 years, who is probably one of the most beautiful women on the planet, called me and said our marriage was over and "I met someone else" in a 10 minute conversation.

There was no clue this was coming.  The day before it was, "I love you, wish you were here with me right now, etc... .  "

Everything she stood for reversed 180, including her feelings for me. 

She has always had problems, had run away before, but we had been working on them for 10 years, to the detriment of my social life, personal life and professional life.  We were co-dependent and I loved it.  There's nothing wrong with feeling the way you do because that's the best relationship... .  when you are close, best friends. 

That's what I just lost 2 weeks ago.

I think about her every day, all day.  I am now relegated to email contact only, just for the purpose of doing divorce papers and whatever. 

So, I'm going to try to snap her out of it (I've done it before , several times) when we meet up this Thursday to do our divorce stuff. 

It's do or die.  Either she gives some, or I'm going to have to stand up for myself (thanks to the things I read on this board). 

If I have to stand up for myself, I will be devastated.  If she snaps out of it, I'll whisk her away from the area she moved to (and set up a whole new life in 2 weeks) that is causing the problems. 

Anyway, this no contact stuff is horrible.  I feel for you.  I am living it too right now. 

I'm trying to drag my ass out to some kind of something - a new year's eve party, when I assume my wife of 10 years is doing the same with this new dude. 

Ugh... .    I can't even begin to describe all I've done for my wife to be dumped on like this.  I'm sure you feel the same.

Also, she is my best friend.  It's like we share a single brain when we are together.  She's a female version of me.  We are perfect together.  But, she flipped out a couple weeks ago and now I'm enemy #1.  I guess that's the painted black or splitting thing.  Haven't spent much time over on this side of it.  It isn't pretty over here.

So you and me both are completely paralyzed.  Unable to continue.  I lost 10 lbs as well.  I'm only 155 to start with!  I haven't been able to eat at all.  I need my wife like I need oxygen.  Bad news. 

Ok, I don't know what to tell you, other than you and I are going through the exact same thing right now.  I hope to see something good happen for both of us.  Good luck with yours. 

[Inside]

EXGF,

As I also seek advice on these boards, even though my ‘relationship’ is rekindled … I’m not sure it’s healthy for me – so I’m also searching for advice and the experience of others.  At less than two years into this odyssey, I’m no expert, so must rely on those whose wisdom shakes me.

I was just shook by the following from a Forum Board Advisor, United For Now:   

“Chasing after someone seriously reduces any respect they have for you. It shifts the power balance in unhealthy directions, allowing them to become mini dictators. Over time the respect deteriorates to such a level that you are seen as only a means to please them and meet their demands. You essentially disappear as a person, with no idea of what you want or need. I completely understand your fear.

I've been there.

The thought of losing her seems like it will destroy you.

You become desperate to do anything to keep her love... .  

This feeling itself is unhealthy, since it places our love for them higher and as more important than our self respect and love for ourselves. This feeling shows that we have lost a critical part of ourselves.

So while i know you are hurting and scared right now, your best plan would be to allow that feeling - to feel it as a sign that change is needed - rather than fighting to stop it and make it go away.”

Keep reading around here – these folks are sharp!  It may not be what you/we want to hear – but it’s what we’d better take into serious consideration.  Be strong  

[exgf]

Yes she was my best friend also.  We did everything together and now she is gone. I feel your pain in Florida and I guess you feel my pain in California. I keep calling and emailing with a hope that she will come back to me.  However, she does not answer my phone calls or return my emails. It really sucks and it really hurts me. I'm not sure if I have codependent issues however when the one woman that you have loved for the past ten years leaves you and is your best friend it's really hard. I just don't know what to do to get her back. I love her so much it hurts.

[exgf]

Yes, the shift in power balance is at an extremely unhealthy directions. I just love her so much and I dont want to looser her

[forgottenarm]

Extend some of that love to yourself right now, exgf---what can you do to get some TLC?

Here are some things I've done at low moments that really helped:

• call someone on the phone--anyone

• take a walk

• pet my dog

• meditate

• read about BPD---I found this is soo validating and comforting.

• watch TVLand or something else mind-numbing and silly

• vent on BPD Family!

• journal (I know you mentioned doing this before---it helps, doesn't it)

• write a letter to your ex and tear it up.  Repeat as needed!

I don't mean to minimize what you're going through.  I totally understand.  I've been there and it's straight up excruciating.  But if you can look at it in terms of small chunks---like just getting through the next hour somehow---it helps.  Try not to think too hard about what will happen with your ex.  So many things could still happen.  Most of them are out of your control anyway.  Trust that whatever happens, you'll be able to deal with it and it won't be so bad.  Turn your attention to what's happening right here and now.  What can you do to make tonight better for yourself?

[Oneneatguy]

Hang in there guys,

It's very tough to work through.  I share your pain.  I told my ex that I don't want to be friends with her and want no contact.  I will be at the same events with her every other weekend for the next two months.

As hard as it is this site has given me the courage to say pound salt

[exgf]

I wish I was as strong as you oneneatguy. However, I really do love her and her little girl. I wish I could fix the relationship. I keep calling and emailing but still no contact. She just ignores me. Which is really not healthy at all for everyone involved. Like they said above the ball is in her court now. But I just don't want to loose them. They are my whole world. My head is just spinning now. It went from BPD land to quietness. Which is a sharp contrast for me. The quietness is driving my brain spinning with memories of happiness and sadness. O well I guess it's part of the grieving process. It's a new year I hope it does not bring as much pain as it was this year.

[TheRealSully]

I'm 2 weeks in. You will have better days and downright scary days.  I keep trying to move on, but it's like half of me just died.  I also feel like I will never trust another female as long as I live if this doesn't work out. 

Sent mine an email last night saying I wasn't interested in the girl I met at the store and was out with.  Was only interested in her and had a new Years kiss for her.

No response for me either.  That's the hardest part.  Complete lack of reasoning and cause.

I honestly can't see myself with anyone else in life.  That's the worst part of all.

Hope you are having a better day today, exgf

[an0ught]

Hi exgf,

loosing two relationships in one go is hard 

I wish I was as strong as you oneneatguy. However, I really do love her and her little girl. I wish I could fix the relationship. I keep calling and emailing but still no contact. She just ignores me. Which is really not healthy at all for everyone involved. Like they said above the ball is in her court now.

Maybe not having contact is right now the best and healthiest she can do? She has been working in secret but consistently in another direction for months.

But I just don't want to loose them. They are my whole world. My head is just spinning now. It went from BPD land to quietness. Which is a sharp contrast for me. The quietness is driving my brain spinning with memories of happiness and sadness. O well I guess it's part of the grieving process. It's a new year I hope it does not bring as much pain as it was this year.

You still in shock but also are somewhere in the bargaining stage and accepting her choices is painful. You only have the choice left to accept it and start healing -or- to continue to pursue her with uncertain success

I keep calling and emailing but still no contact.

but likely consequences for your self respect and also respect from her. She may or may not stay in that other relationship but right now you are running with your head repeatedly against the wall and it hurts  . Been there, done that  .

I wish I could fix the relationship.

There is not problem with the relationship as in YOU-relationship-HER. The problem sits on the other side of the relationship and you could only work on your half. She needs fixing herself and from what you wrote right now she is running away in more than one aspect (financial too). Does not sound like she is prepared to change at this time and without that the patterns will repeat.

The quietness is driving my brain spinning with memories of happiness and sadness.

These days are slow. Anyone you could call and talk to?

It is hard, particularly after such a long time. The past intermittent break-ups make it often not easier but harder.

Hang in there, it takes a while but it tunes down,

a0

[exgf]

 :'( Please don't leave me. :'(

[Oneneatguy]

exgf

I can understand how you feel, I raised my stepsons for the past 10 years and my ex told me I couldn't talk to them or see them.  It has been very difficult.  When I do see them they are happy to see me.

You are left wondering why there hasn't been any contact, your ex has moved on (part of BPD).  Life changes once you are out, you've stepped off the emotional rollercoaster, periods of extreme highs and lows.

PwBPD leave a wake or emotional turmoil wherever they go. 

I do see my ex, every few weeks.  I miss the highs we shared but within 5 minutes of seeing her and arguing I know why we can't be together.

Hang in there. 

[exgf]

I keep hoping the new guy gets into a BPD fight with her and she comes back to me. I'm so sad and pathetic.  I love her so much it hurts. All I want is her back. I keep calling hoping she will come back. I love her so much. If only she loved me how I love her. And that she did not hurt me so much and leave me.

[TheRealSully]

I keep hoping the new guy gets into a BPD fight with her and she comes back to me. I'm so sad and pathetic.  I love her so much it hurts. All I want is her back. I keep calling hoping she will come back. I love her so much. If only she loved me how I love her. And that she did not hurt me so much and leave me.

That  may changed, exgf. 

Once she becomes a royal PITA, like mine has done, you might find yourself saying, "he can have her." 

I know that's hard to believe right now, but as the weeks go by, you do start to change a little. 

I really *really* love the girl I married, but when she did the 180 on me, it not only hurt, but it also showed me exactly what I was dealing with.  When the times get tough, the BPDs get nasty (and going). 

She keeps threatening me with stuff like, "good, take all the money, that is the last piece of me you will ever have."

This is just trying to set up a friendly, cordial meeting to discuss our money issues.  I have mentioned nothing about money at all, just a spot to meet up and discuss. 

Mine is so very broken, I am wondering if the girl inside I was madly in love with until 2 weeks ago is gone forever. 

If I can get her to meet (tomorrow), I will be trying to reel her back from this psychosis stuff and ground her.  I am good at that and have always served that purpose.

If she is too far gone and makes no progress, I might just send her over to that other dude and let him deal with it.  I've kind of adjusted to having a super hot wife, so my standards are way higher than they should be for any new ones, but I guess I have time to look around.  Girls at stores and stuff have been actively picking me up for some reason now that this stuff has happened.

[Bobtheman]

Exgf, I’m very sorry to hear about what happened to you. I’m in situation similar to yours, and I know the heartache of it all is horrible. My gf broke up with me facebook about 3 weeks ago over a misunderstanding, and I found out that in less than one week after the break up, she started seeing someone new.

It’s clear that in light of this situation, you are feeling tremendous emotional pain. I cannot tell you whether keeping an open mind for reconciliation, or moving on, is the right choice for you. Only you can decide that for yourself.

But I will tell you this: if you seriously hope to even cross paths with your SO again someday, you’re going to have to leave her alone for a long time to let her miss you.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading on what to do in this situation. My suggestion to you is to learn more about SuperDaves’s No Contact Theory.

I know you pain feels horrible. But like I said, if you’re serious about the idea of maybe reconciling with your SO, someday, you’re going to have to keep your distance for a while. Furthermore, overcoming your pain will also depend on keeping your distance. I know this is hard to hear, but no contact is the only option you have to mend your broken heart, and maybe, just maybe, even get your ex back someday.

[Oneneatguy]

EXGF,

I understand your pain, I am in very similar circumstances,  it is still upsetting, as hard as it is to process your ex has a mental illness. Being with a pwBPD is like an addiction.  You crave it, want it at the same time knowing it is an unhealthy life choice.

Keep reading the posts on here, the articles.   Mending is a slow process.

[exgf]

I wish I read more on BPD. It's been so hard try to walk on egg shells for all these years. It makes so much more sense now. I guess it really was my fault for not knowing how to communicate with BPD people. Still I wish i could fix the relationship with her I  miss her so much.