Sometimes I am in Hell in my mind.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This is so painful.  It is so grueling.  I was doing so well, I mean, accepting my situation.  He said he would contact me after the 4th.  I know he meant that.  He does this.  Makes himself deny me that is.  He will contact me and probably at 5am in a text, as he has in the past.  It is as if he says to himself, "Ok, enough time has past, and I can talk to her again."  It is because we have fun.  We always have fun.  He acknowledges it and then denies himself further contact until enough time (his disgression) has past, where we will repeat.  It is so weird?  He will be really anxious to see me.  I want to say no.  For days I have been ready to say no, and then there are days like today.  Today I just cried.  Cried because I miss him so much.  Why does he do this?  For me, unlike others, it has been like this ever since we actually met.  God it is so painful.  How can you have so much fun and then just stop?  Why?  I don't even get the chance to spend days with this person.  Maybe that is a good thing because this pattern of odd control is what got me researching why someone would do this in the first place.  It is how I determined that he is, without question a BPD.  It is my perpetual Hell.  I so want to scratch this person from my mind.

[mssomebodynice]

This is so painful.  It is so grueling.  I was doing so well, I mean, accepting my situation.  He said he would contact me after the 4th.  I know he meant that.  He does this.  Makes himself deny me that is.  He will contact me and probably at 5am in a text, as he has in the past.  It is as if he says to himself, "Ok, enough time has past, and I can talk to her again."  It is because we have fun.  We always have fun.  He acknowledges it and then denies himself further contact until enough time (his disgression) has past, where we will repeat.  It is so weird?  He will be really anxious to see me.  I want to say no.  For days I have been ready to say no, and then there are days like today.  Today I just cried.  Cried because I miss him so much.  Why does he do this?  For me, unlike others, it has been like this ever since we actually met.  God it is so painful.  How can you have so much fun and then just stop?  Why?  I don't even get the chance to spend days with this person.  Maybe that is a good thing because this pattern of odd control is what got me researching why someone would do this in the first place.  It is how I determined that he is, without question a BPD.  It is my perpetual Hell.  I so want to scratch this person from my mind.

[waverider]

Problem is you are too focused on him rather than you, his presence is having too much impact on your life. It is empty when he is not there. He knows this, and these days away are priming you for his grand re entry into your life. That is what creates the high buzz when he comes back.

it is a way of continually rebirthing a relationship, rather than allowing natural development

If you got on with your life, and was glad to see him when he got back that would be healthier than being desperate to have him back. He wants you to desperately want him back, and he is deliberately (even if subconsciously) playing it that way. You need to start dancing to your own tune, its your life.

[tryingtogetit]

Understanding your pain

but have to agree with waverider

you'r being played

held hostage in one brief moment of a relationship

focus on yourself

love yourself

you'll surprise yourself

[real lady]

We all want to understand "WHY" and your situation seems to be partly his fear of intimacy and abandonment playing like waverider said... .  he gets "a high or thrill" because you are "waiting on him"... .  that's not healthy hon.

What have YOU done for YOU in the past days that he cannot do for you and you ENJOY alone? Do it again today and get out of the house, turn the phone off, go visit a friend, etc... .  

It is hell to wait for them to "come back" only to endure the "leaving" again... .  life was not intended to be like this... .  this is NOT love... .  

[mccarthyhome3]

Mssombodynice... .  i get stuck to and we have been this way from the beginning also... .  mine just runs to his ex when he needs to leave me... it sucks but I gotta say when he comes back... .  its fantastic... .  i'm trying to get past that!

This time I have been doing my own thing, staying at my friends house once a week, going shopping, just relaxing and pretending it doesn't bother me... .  i'm not even carrying what he thinks (i do but i'm pretending not to:) makes it a bit easier... .  i'm so sick of crying... .  i did today,was a bad day all the way around but I know that tomorrow will be better... .  i have to have these bad days to work through the pain in order to feel better... i know that now... .  i hope your feeling better, good luck:)

[mssomebodynice]

Gee McCarthyhome3, I think your situation just sounds dreadful.  I cannot imagine that pain.  What I can say to you is that you must be an incredibly strong person to deal with that.  I am going to pray that you be rewarded for all of your torture.  God bless you.  For you to be so steadfast, you really must be an incredible person.