My exBPDgf has huge financial problems

[exgf]

My exBPDgf has huge financial problems. When we were living together she would get her financial aid checks  for college and spend all of the money in a month. Like over 10000 US dollars in a month. If not more. Then next month when the rent was due she would not have any money. She would borrow money from everyone. However, never pay the money back to them. When we go to the store she had to buy everything. If she saw it and liked it she would buy it. Even if she had no money. She would also gamble with student loan money. I feel sorry for her mom who cosigned some of the student loans. Like 30000 US dollars that she spent in three months. She tried to get me to cosign a new car for her but I told her no. The reason that I said no is that I did not want to pay for it. I'm so glad that I did say no.

As an undergraduate in college she spent the maximum student loan amount at 65000. Then got private loan of 30000 dollars that her mom cosigned. Then went to medical school and took out a lot of money also. However, failed out of medical school and now owes over 300000 US dollars. This is not counting all the other people that she owes money to.

Now she has left me again. She found a new guy and thinks he will be rich and that he will take care of her. However, she does not realize that she owes to much money the relationship will not work. The funny thing is that I love her so much and want her back. Is that normal? I love being around her when I'm in the white. However, when I'm in the black look out she is a mean

[Newton]

Errr wow!... .that's quite a figure! 

Good for you for having the sense to say "no" and prevent yourself being liable for these debts... .

I appreciate the fact that you love being around her when you are painted white... .pwBPD can be incredibly charming and attractive.  However, with your ex that isn't the whole story is it... .are you willing to be in a relationship with someone that has this propensity to accumulate massive debt?... .and furthermore who makes choices that attaching to another person with a larger bank account is an appropriate response?... .

I'm not sure that with the diversity of human connections any relationship could be defined as "normal"... .what would we be judging that by?... .

Questioning whether or not being with her is healthy, stable and fulfilling for you might be good things to question... . 

[exgf]

My BPD girlfriend is leaving me again.

I've dated her for over 10 years off and on and I really love her. I know everything in the relationship was not perfect. However, I really tried to make it work. When I first started dating her she was in therapy and she told me she had BPD.  So naturally I looked it up in  books and they gave short description of what BPD really was but did not understand it. But I did not really care I really did love her with all my heart.

Well for the first 4 years we were dating and living apart. Then for 3 years we lived together. Then we graduated college and she went to medical school. I stayed there and worked and paid the bills. Then three months later I get email of her breaking up with me. I called and emailed trying to fix the relationship with no luck. I guess she met someone else and did not care about me. I called and emailed with no response.  Then 3 months later she calls me and wants money. I tell her I want to fix the relationship. But all she wanted was money because she spends money like crazy. Of course I give her money then she does not call until she needs money again. She gets kicked out of medical school for grades. And moves back home with her mom. So now she lives close and we start the relationship again. I guess she was still seeing the other guy also. But I did not care I loved her so much. So we dated for 3 years and I was happy. Then out of the blue she says she's getting married. I was so confused and upset. I keep calling and emailing her trying to fix the relationship.  Finally the new boyfriend calls me and says you need to stop calling her. Then I said well I'm confused I've been dating her for the past 3 years. He starts to flip out and says they've been planning the marriage for the past 6 months and I did not know that. He was really upset. Not at me any more but that he's been lied to by the girl. The new guy seemed really in love with her and did not care what I said. I guess they are going to continue to get married. I'm so upset. I really love her and I can not move on. I keep emailing, calling and showing up where she hangs out. With no real luck in getting her back.

I'm not sure what I should due. However, I know its not healthy for me to keep calling her. But I don't want to loose her. Help!

[Seahorse1]

Wow!

Mine asked me to loan him $50,000.

Seriously... .We break up every week or so... .

I would lend any one no matter how stable the relationship that kind of money.

I'm already out of pocket over 7000. With loans and legal fees due to my BPD ex... .

Let her Marry the other guy... .I thinked you dodged a huge bullet!

[exgf]

please help! I'm so upset!  :'( So confussed   I really need help

[Surnia]

exgf

Yes, be upset. This is okay.

300 000 debts 

I think it is only possible with serious addiction. Could be gambling, addictive shopping, drugs. All this is highly unhealthy.

Time to look at it more closely. Is this the love and relationship you want?

About your confusion: Did you consider to work with a therapist? In rs like yours it could be very helpful.

I had 2 relationships which where unhealthy also concerning monney. I paid debts for a polytoxico and now I pay livelihood for my ex. I told myself: Stop doing this, stop enabling other unhealthy monney issues! This is not good for my self-esteem.

[oletimefeelin]

I wasn't aware you could just spend student loan money like that.  She's screwed.  You can't even discharge student loans in bankruptcy.  I can't imagine there's a guy that would knowingly assume this sort of debt.

There are serious problems here.  She's spending money.  What is she spending all this money on?  Is there a drug problem?  Flunking out of medical school is a major red flag.  Getting into medical school suggests a very high functioning person, but to have flunked out suggests something really changed.  Perhaps this is where the BPD really took wings.

It sounds to me as though you are in the throes of the addiction.  Please take several steps back and try to view your own situation from the top down.  Project this relationship forward a few days, months, and years.  Don't you feel a little scared for yourself?

You feel wounded because she chose another guy.  She did so out of necessity.  You set a clear boundary by not cosigning for the car, which well you should have.  She had to find someone else.  This is not a reflection upon you.  It just shows how troubled she really is.

[exgf]

She has major spending issues. If she goes to any store she has to buy tons of stuff.  She likes to go out to eat. However, when she goes out to eat it has to be a fancy restaurant.   And rings up a huge tab for herself and anyone else. She spends like crazy. Then there is the gambling. However, not like normal gambling where you use your paycheck. No she would spend huge chunks of her financial aid checks to gamble.  Who gambles on loan money besides banks. Always had to drink alcohol every single day sometimes in moderation and sometimes drunk. I love her so much and she won't talk to me. Will not accept my phone calls or emails. I guess I'm all alone now. I miss her. She's my best friend. However, I guess she's not my best friend in her mind. Because who would cause all this pain to her best friend.

[Washisheart]

Best friends don't cause each other this kind of pain, and that is one hard cold fact I had to come to terms with myself. I served a self fulfilling purpose to him, so he acted like he gave a care. Once my purpose was done, he crumpled us up & threw all the promises & memories in the trash. Real best friends dont do that. In fact our REAL best friends caution us against recycling & then catch us on the rebound.