So sad, sat here on my own on NYE :(

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

He's home, we were going out but now I am sat on my own feeling so lonely, sad and unloved.   My gorgeous children have gone to their grandmas so we can go out but instead I am sat all alone whilst he gives me the silent treatment.  Life must be better than this  

[Sadsue]

He's home, we were going out but now I am sat on my own feeling so lonely, sad and unloved.   My gorgeous children have gone to their grandmas so we can go out but instead I am sat all alone whilst he gives me the silent treatment.  Life must be better than this  

[Newton]

Sadsue I'm sorry to hear you are getting silent treatment... .I often found that harder to cope with than my ex's raging so I know where you are coming from... .

Do you have the option to visit friends instead?... .If not there will be people here online to support you 

Go easy on yourself... .

[daisydolly]

I just joined this group, but I can relate. I am home and so is my partner. But I am also alone. I had visited my family for a couple days (she refuses to go with me) and now she's not talking to me, "practising to live alone again". It is hurtful and sometimes I wonder why I stay, or if I will. Hang in there.

[cska]

Hey Sue,

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. I know how it feels, I'm getting the silent treatment too. It happens so often. Too often...  So I'm spending NYE alone too. And I spend our birthdays alone, and anniversaries...

I'm sorry... Hang in there, be strong! 

[Washisheart]

Me too.

Alone.

While he is off lighting fireworks with the next chic.

It gets better than this, it has to! So keep your head up & focus on yourself. Is there anyone else you can call to hangout with or meet them somewhere?

[mccarthyhome3]

It sucks i'm so sorry... .  i'm home alone also... .  mines at his ex wives house and doesn't even hide it anymore... .  he'll probably be home later... i find it harder when he's here!... .  happy new year!

[mssomebodynice]

Gosh,  all I can say is happy new year to you and everyone on here.  2013 can be a NEW year If we decide to make it one!

This is your journey and you hold the pen to write your story.  Let's write well ok?  I hope you all have a great jouney in 2013.  Many blessings to you all for a happy new year!

[Washisheart]

Mccarthy, do you mind me asking, do you still want him even though it's in your face that he is cheating on you? Like baby aside, do you still love & want a relationship with him?

I am not judging you.

I just dont understand how we get brainwashed into forgetting we once had standards. When I found out my uBPDbf was cheating, I never brought it up until the perfect situation arose & instead of kicking him out like the me three years earlier would have done, he went & started pulling the clothes out of his closet & I found myself begging him to talk, we were supposed to work it out & all this stuff. I ended up leaving & driving to my friends house expecting him to be gone when I got home. Instead, he ended things with the other (or her with him, who knows), he followed me to our friends house, held me & told me we were going to be ok. AND I WAS OK WITH THAT.

When did I lose my self respect? When did I stop caring about important things in a relationship such as faithfulness and loyalty? I just really dont know what happened and I don't know how to get it back. Because I should CARE that he left me for another woman, I  should hate him & never want to see him again. Instead, I found myself waiting for him to screw up his new life & come home.

Where did I go? And when did I stop mattering?

This isn't me.

[mccarthyhome3]

washisheart... .  i would not think u were judging, were all in the same boat here. I got way from the boards for about 5 months (since i went back to him, when i needed it the most) i was on throughout my pregnancy cuz he kicked me out and got back with his ex(this is about the 6th time)cuz he didnt want "that" with me, whatever that means... .  anyways i was on the leaving boards and never really posted cuz i was to upset and couldnt give advice and still cant because im still unsure how to handle MY behaviour.

     THIS IS NOT ME EITHER... .  

     I remember reading something on here on how we (nons) would even go as far as to "let" them have other woman and/or men as long as they were with us also(or something like that) and i have actually thought about it and brought it up to him... .  "just have both of us i would say" R U EFFING KIDDING ME!

   Right now hes not cheating, were not together and im supposed to sit here and except this while he throws it in my face... .  i am not to show emotion or get upset because WERE NOT TOGETHER... .  this is his thinking and im going along with it just fine... .  i dont know what happened to me, I AM NOT THIS PERSON! but again it makes sence doesnt it , WERE NOT TOGETHER and he wants me and my daughter out but if i choose to stay right now cuz i have nowhere else to go... .  this is my fault that i have  to see whats going on... .  Thats how he thinks, as long as he feels good no one else matters!

     I do love him but then again do i really or do i just love the man that mirrors me (cuz i think im awesome:) everyone loves when hes with me because hes happy... .  but is that just the mirroring?

   he has told me before that he always feels like hes pretending or faking it, i wanna say ":)UH, U R" but havent and wont... look at the traist and all the things they do, like the mirroring and splitting and extinction burst and everything else they do it can make it easier to see that ITS NOT U!

     Do i want him back? all the time... .  all he has to do is walk in that door tonight and smile and say hi and ill be there... .  its not healthy. i want him fixed and he always promises to go to therapy then finds a reason not to... .  This time i finally figured out i cant fix him and im not his mommy but he wants me to do both, i wont... .  i want a man! It hurts but get easier evertime he doest this.

IT IS NOT ME... .  ITS HIM... .  ITS NOT U... .  ITS HIM... .  Im still confused, i know whats right but it doesnt matter sometimes...

Their sick and are making us sick, im gonna take care of myself and daughter... .  1 day at a time... .  plus it helps to know that his exwife is worst than him and they dont get along and she always brings him to his knees(thats mea, but karma) they wont last they never do... .  hes like a boomarang, he'll be back, then its my desicion... .  i hope i think with my head his time and not my heart!


This whole post is probably really confusing ... .  HE MAKES ME CRAZY:)

[Washisheart]

Boomerang, perfect word for him.

I dont know what all the technical terms mean, I am on here from my phone, I dont have a computer right now. I just know by reading everyone's personal experiences he exhibits the same traits. I know that if my area code had a biggest fool award, I wouldn't just be nominated. The trophy would proudly be displayed all over town by the man who turned me this way & his loser friends who encouraged him.

I miss my Daddy   the only man to truly love & adore me unconditionally til death did us part. I just want someone to hold me that I know actually loves me. I am not worthless & I am tired of feeling this way.

[mccarthyhome3]

ur not worthless, unfortunately neither is he although we would like to believe they are... .  i want someone to hold and love me also... .  the problem is i feed him and he feeds me... .  i literally feel better when he touches me... .  ITS LIKE A DRUG and i remind myself of that, im going thru withdrawls. I look awful and feel awful... .  BUT THE MORE IM NOT AROUND HIM THE BETTER I FEEL... .  its an opposit affect

   when were together i feel grea,t in the beginning, then slowly i begin to feel worse and am literally bullied into taking care of him more and more and i lose myself... the stress and anxiety start to set in, but in the mean time he starts feeling better cuz hes feeding off of me, then before u know it hes telling me he cant be with me cuz im not taking care of myself anymore(he told me this along with the whole "i dont want our daughter" excuse) well then i hit botton... .  depression, fear, anxiety, panic attacks, its awful... .  but then the more im not around him i start feeling better, all of those things slowly go away... .  took me a year to get over it all last time then i moved back in and here i am again... .  but u see how being with then brings u down and being away eventually brings u back up... .  

   

     the thing is... .  they dont know why they do what they do,(i mean mine has not talked to me for days cuz he over heard me talking about something or someone and assumed it was him i was talking about and it had nothing to do with him) mine is always confused and when hes confused he disregulates and when that happenes he splits me and then he gives any excuse he can to his explain behavior... .  whether he believes it or not doesnt matter (he believes it at the time... .  he has said this more than once to explain what hes done) This is not about any of us... .  it is them... .  he"ll be back, dont worry, but then u have to decide if u can live with this the rest of your life, cuz if he doesnt get hepl (like mine) the behaviors will continue... .  ive accepted that and have to decide also

     

[Washisheart]

Mine jokes about his behavior, he calls his "absences" vacation.

I would never say mine is worthless, when he is good it's amazing & it's us against the world. I take care of him, I won't lie. and there have been many things he has done for me. He was my rock when I needed him the most, obviously when it wasn't regarding his own behavior. And I knew how to take his words & flip them to my advantage. "laundry & dishes are women's work." "ok, I will do the laundry & the dishes, but you have to detail & wash my car." "no, it doesn't work like that." " yes, it does. I wash your dirty drawers, you can atleast make sure my car is clean." "fine, but I am throwing away everything that doesn't belong in there" "fine, you do that." (insert me running to car to take outall my crap here). I have sent him on 2am snack runs because "a real man doesn't send a lady out by herself after dark." I did for him, probably alot more than he has done for me, but I was so used to doing everything alone I just never asked for too much. I spoiled him with little things, trimming his nails & rubbing his back to put him to sleep (by the way, rubbing his back to "put him to sleep" was also a great way to get him to calm down & stfu when he was having what I like to call a "btch fest." ). He always said we won't work "because we're opposites" & I would respond "and do you think you would really last with someone just like you?"  (insert him stfu here).

He has said to me a couple times that I don't spoil him

[Washisheart]

Like I used to but I am honest & tell him it's because I gave so much & her left anyway so why bother

[mccarthyhome3]

Their great sometimes... .  i did all those things for mine but difference is I don't remember the last time he Ever did any thing for me... .  i was the one doing late night runs... .  i would get guilted into doing anything he didn't feel like doing... .  i Gave him a morning massage (5am)and a bed time massage... if I ever was to tired to do it he would get upset until I did it, never mattered How tired I was as long as he was taken care... .  he would say it didn't matter cuz my job wasnt as hard as his so my sleep basically wasnt as important... .  and if I was lucky he would offer a kiss (which he rarely did) or maybe even sex as a reward for doing what I was told... .  seriously... this wasnt mean, he actually thought he was being nice... .  

I'm so sorry this thread was taken over... .  at least we can all be alone together tonight I guess

[Sadsue]

OMG can't believe how many of us are alone.  It is so so sad to think all we want is the company of our loved one, why is that too much to ask?

New year came, I sat alone, I went in the other room to wish him Happy New Year, he was dozing, murmurred to leave him alone, so I came to bed

Sending massive hugs to all of us who feel abandoned, sad and lonely.   We deserve a medal and our BPDs really don't deserve us. 

[kl315]

I'm with ya Sadsue. I'm currently on the receiving end of the Silent Treatment because I became upset when my hair started falling out due to chemo. I guess that's just too stressful for HIM. I was lucky enough to be with family on NYE, but he completely blew me off.

It's too bad we couldn't have a big NYE party for neglected nons.

[Sadsue]

Kl, I have been following your posts and I am truly saddened by the way your BPD is treating you at what must be a very difficult time for you.  You're right he doesn't have the space in his head, his world to deal with 'your problems'.

The thing is they go full circle, not being emotionally strong enough to offer support is one thing but actually being nasty about it, that's the difficult bit for us nons to understand.

Keep strong x

[Newton]

hey sue ,how are you doing today?... .  have things improved?... .  is your SO communicating?... .  or still silent treatment?

[Sadsue]

Still, silent.  I woke and tried to pretend everything was ok and just struck up some general conversation only to be met with "I just want to be left alone"

I think I will find it easier today, I will potter around the house, watch some tv and perhaps read my book, then it's back to work tomorrow.

I wish I found it easy to ignore him and let him be but I get so frustrated he treats me like this. 

I've been reading on here lately about the less us nons react the less these episodes occur so that's my NYs resolution, not react to his moods or his baiting.

[Newton]

If he wants to be left alone then taking him at his word is for the best... .  attempting to change his feelings will frustrate you... .  and probably trigger him.

Doing things that you enjoy is the way forward 

You are right, his moods are just that... .  they belong to him and it's up to him to take ownership and do something about how bad he feels... .  or not.

In the meantime you can spend time enjoying things that you like doing... .  

When my ex decided she wanted to spend a day in bed feeling like it was the end of the world I would go cycling 

When I returned I would often be greeted with sarcasm or worse ie/ "oh well at least someone is having a nice day when I feel like crap... .  why can't you just blah blah you nasty x,y,z" etc 

I would attempt my best at validating but to be honest when she was in this sort of emotional state the best thing I could do for both of us was to look after myself... .  stick to my boundary of not listening to abusive language... .  and walk.

Be kind to yourself and enjoy your rest today before work and best of luck with your resolution for the New Year 

[daisydolly]

Seems there has been alot of silent treatment going on. I am fortunate in that my relationship is/has been fairly even--until I go visit my daughter and her family. it is my being away for even a day or two that seems to trigger things in her. Even when she has been doing really well, Christmas has always been a hard time for her. This year had additional unusual stress. I think I can almost handle the angry rages better; they are over sooner. The depressed/woe is me/leave me alone while i just sit by myself and die moods get tiring. I am new to this stuff. She was diagnosed over 30 years ago but has been relatively stable for the 7 years I've known her. There were a few red flags, I just didn't know that's what they were at the time. I have gotten much stronger in my self image and confidence over the years and stand up for myself now. I wonder how she can be so competent professionally and still be so immature emotionally and relationally. Our relationship has morphed into just a 'friendship' from what started as an intense intimate relationship, but she is still someone i care about very much. We bought a house together in june, first time we've lived 'together', but once her son moved in in September, things really started to go downhill, and she falls apart when i go away. My instinct is to just ride this out till he and his daughter move out, set some clearer boundaries (I will NOT be bullied into not seeing my family but, if she refuses to come, maybe there are ways i can make my absence easier for her?) and encourage her to go back to her doctor. She seems genuinely baffled that she is sliding into previous behaviours, too. And it has begun to affect her job, only to minor degrees at this point. She is in a management position in one of the two major mental health facilities in our relatively small town and cannot affort to lose her legitimacy and respect. So how do I support her through a 'blip' that seems to be growing? She is really an amazing woman.