Why closure is impossible.. Consider this your closure.

[Jay08]

Honestly i have no idea what the psychological reason is. Like many of you, my ex just went complete NC on me the day after we spent an entire weekend together. There was absolutely no signs of this impending breakup, i was completely mind___ed like so many of you.

If there is a more complex psychological reason, please entertain me with the idea, but from what i understand and have thought about from reading these boards, is this.

They will not give you closure because-

A) Giving you closure speeds up the moving on process for YOU. They are damaged, but they are not stupid. By giving you closure, they not only end the relationship, but they end any possible reconciliation for them in the future.

B)Piggybacking off point A. By not giving you closure, they secretely feel you guys are in a type of relationship hiatus. In case things dont work out with their new victim, they can text you out of the blue one day and simply apologize, and have everything bounce back.

C) Giving closure enables a world of hurt for them because goodbyes are too much to handle. Goodbye means she/he can possibly be alone forever. They do not want to feel this.

When me and my ex argued, and "broke" it off, she was fine until i said goodbye. That got the waterworks running.

So consider this your closure. They do not talk to you about it because they can not handle the type of conversation you are ready to have with them. We all know since its been maybe weeks or months, if they were mature enough to come up to us and give us closure now, we could mind___ them way harder than they could us.

Confronting them about their mistakes, telling them the breakup was for the best, explaining to them you have began moving on is something we all want to do for our own sanity. But put yourself in their shoes. Do you think they would be able to handle you telling them that? No.

[lipstick]

Jay - very well said and spot-on IMHO. I also think that they somehow view us as "belonging" to them and never really let us go. Stalk us on FB, etc. to keep tabs on us. Just a thought... .

[Jay08]

Very true my friend. My ex was always on her ex bf's facebook. That is correct. Without closure, they have a false sense of entitlement to "owning" us. Hence the "secret" relationship i feel like they feel they have on us. I remember the first time we broke up, we did not speak for a month, and i get a text out of the blue, "hey babe!".

[lipstick]

How did that make you feel?  I would have been livid ! Mine has given me the "Silent Treatment" for three months. I've been giving it back for a little over a month now. He "poked" me on FB a few weeks ago, but I ignored it. Well, after I gave my computer screen the finger when I saw the notification from FB of the "poking". 

[Jay08]

I had mixed emotions. This was at a time i did not know what BPD was, i responded how any of you would have, "babe? we havnt spoke in a month" then she made excuses to why that was, although i knew the reason, the recycle still happend.

I experienced similar things as you, i remained friends with her on FB the first time and after a few weeks she began liking my statuses and posting statuses to get my attention. Ultimately i deleted her. I left my status's public because i know she still stalks it and i want her to feel like she made a mistake by seeing how im doing fine now. At first i kept checking hers, now since ive succesfully implemented NC i must say checking her facebook was even worse than texting her at the time. If there was something there, it ticked me off. If there was nothing there, it made me curious. Good point.

[lipstick]

Jay - I don't check his FB page. Quite honestly, I know that what he posts is mostly a facade. Trying to pretend like his life is soo great and wanting other people to buy into his fantasy. I'm way more interesting than he is!   

I "unfriended" him immediately after he dumped me. However, I continued to vent my frustrations, anger, confusion, and pain to him via FB Messenger. He read them CONSTANTLY, but never responded. I must have really been feeding that ego, huh? At one point, I actually BEGGED him to block me on FB. For him to do it, not me, because I "couldn't be as cruel to him as he was being to me". He wouldn't do it. Hasn't blocked me on his phone or email either. Weird.

See what I mean? They don't want to let us go. What are you going to do if she tries to "recycle" you? And she will. How long have you been NC?

[Jay08]

Jay - I don't check his FB page. Quite honestly, I know that what he posts is mostly a facade. Trying to pretend like his life is soo great and wanting other people to buy into his fantasy. I'm way more interesting than he is!   

I "unfriended" him immediately after he dumped me. However, I continued to vent my frustrations, anger, confusion, and pain to him via FB Messenger. He read them CONSTANTLY, but never responded. I must have really been feeding that ego, huh? At one point, I actually BEGGED him to block me on FB. For him to do it, not me, because I "couldn't be as cruel to him as he was being to me". He wouldn't do it. Hasn't blocked me on his phone or email either. Weird.

See what I mean? They don't want to let us go. What are you going to do if she tries to "recycle" you? And she will. How long have you been NC?

Yea blocking of any sort is out of their thought, its similar to losing you altogether. They can't let us go. Their emotional state is not developed enough to properly grieve a loss with someone they spent a lot of intimacy with. All they do is suppress the feelings deep in their brain, which is not something us normal people are capable of doing. If it were possible, we would all do it and live the way they are. The problem with this is, even suppressed memories and feelings surface from time to time. The smallest thing could make him/her be reminded of you, and that alone will start their "grief", only it stays in stage one, and can be easily suppressed once again.

I know eventually she will contact me. She had a tendency to do it with her ex's when we were together, she broke my boundaries by contacting them but eventually i let her do it because i then began doing it to show her it was wrong. This did not work however as it hurt her, she agreed to stop, but only became more manipulative and secretive about her contacts with them.

I personally feel as if completely cutting her off is not a good idea. After all, we spent a year and half sleeping next to each other every day. Although we can never be intimate again, she really was my best friend for so long. If she ever does contact me, at this point i will have to explain to her a relationship will never be on the radar, and if she can maintain a friendship and respect my boundaries than we can have a little contact. The problem then settles in with my own conscious, i did not like her talking to her ex's, would it be fair to her future boyfriends to remain friends with her? That is a question i need to address. I also know her future attempts at "friendship" are most likely ~ attempts for her own needs. I now know the red flags however, and my walls will never come down for this girl again. We'll see what happens.

[lipstick]

Jay - do you really feel that you can be just friends with her? I could NEVER do that. My hat is off to you on that one. Maybe I'll reach that point someday, who knows?  Boundaries are good. Will she respect them? That's the bigger question. And is she worthy of your friendship?

[Jay08]

Well, sending responses like that shows them you care and enforces their idea they still have you.

One time at the bar after we broke up, she brought another guy up there to make me mad, and it worked. I was pretty drunk and when she came outside to gloat about how happy she was i lost it and said alot of nasty things to her, then got it my buddys truck and gave her the finger.

Needless to say i sent her a huge apology the next day, and her response was "You hurt my feelings so thank you for the apology, but in a way it showed me you still care about me and i will always have a place for you in my heart". So yes, they thrive off of it, Its like any other drama they want. No matter what you say to them is feeding their ego. Ironically, when you love them too much they leave you in your tracks, thats what they dont like.

Im not sure. Im certain i would not want to see her with another guy at this point, right now i could not be. But whats the point of getting to know somebody for so long just to throw it all away? She hurt me deeply but i dont hold grudges, and i've began moving on. Im 23 and she just turned 21, there were so many trust issues with us that im sure by the time she was legal enough to get into drinking establishments we would have ended it for good anyways, as shes an open flirt, especially with alcohol in the mix.

I'll meet someone else. And a sick part of me is happy knowing she will never be in a happy relationship after the 3-4 months of the honeymoon stage, but i still feel bad for her and dont want her to have nobody, as shes ruined most of her friendships as well.

[VeryConfusedNon]

Well... mine blocked me, after I tried to get answers from her... .  a direct clear answer, to which she said she hated me, never liked me that way... .  etc... .  goodbye... *block*...

[bpdspell]

Closure means many things to different people. In the case of mental illness there is a lot of shame, pain, blame and projection going on with them and it's all a part of BPD. The lack of closure isn't intentional or malicious. People with BPD have a lot of inner turmoil, rage, angst and zero inner peace. Closure is essence making peace with a given situation. With them having zero inner peace how can they give someone else closure?

They cannot give us closure because they are mentally ill.  I know that many of us on here believe that our BPD's are using mental illness as a convenient excuse or an alibi but the toxicity that goes on in their emotional worlds is real. Their mental illness is real; not phantom. It is a part of them. If we want closure the power is in our hands. It is up to us to close that door for good. Your closure is that they're gone and that they are showing you who they are through their behavior. They are showing you that they are sick in the head and heart. Learning about their disorder can help depersonalize their actions and give you a chance at creating peace & closure for yourself.

Spell

[Jay08]

Well... mine blocked me, after I tried to get answers from her... .  a direct clear answer, to which she said she hated me, never liked me that way... .  etc... .  goodbye... *block*...

If you continued contact with her after she painted you black than that is likely to happen. Just know at some point she will remove the block.

[Jay08]

The lack of closure isn't intentional or malicious. With them having zero inner peace how can they give someone else closure?

Spell

I do believe it is intentional.

The day she went NC on me, i sent her 2 texts. First one read "What is the deal with us? If you do not want to be together with me its cool just let me know so im not stuck wondering" Second one read "Youre lack of response shows me how you feel, hope your happy with your decision."

No response, until two weeks later when she called me accusing me of writing on her car with marker, than broke down and told me she 'knows' it was me because she was an *a*hole the last time we talked. She knew what she was doing.

They cant handle a breakup, especially if they are the ones to end it. The best way is to go NC so they avoid the emotions.

Like your last sentence said, they have no inner peace. They feel shame. The best way to avoid more shame, is to avoid confrontation with us. What happens in a normal breakup? Both partners sit down and try to express their flaws and what could have changed/what happend. This is something a  BPD can not handle. Criticism leads to more shame.

[bpdspell]

The lack of closure isn't intentional or malicious. With them having zero inner peace how can they give someone else closure?

Spell

I do believe it is intentional.

The day she went NC on me, i sent her 2 texts. First one read "What is the deal with us? If you do not want to be together with me its cool just let me know so im not stuck wondering" Second one read "Youre lack of response shows me how you feel, hope your happy with your decision."

No response, until two weeks later when she called me accusing me of writing on her car with marker, than broke down and told me she 'knows' it was me because she was an *a*hole the last time we talked. She knew what she was doing.

They cant handle a breakup, especially if they are the ones to end it. The best way is to go NC so they avoid the emotions.

Like your last sentence said, they have no inner peace. They feel shame. The best way to avoid more shame, is to avoid confrontation with us. What happens in a normal breakup? Both partners sit down and try to express their flaws and what could have changed/what happend. This is something a  BPD can not handle. Criticism leads to more shame.

Hey Jay,

Whether it's intentional or not we can agree that they aren't wrapped too tight.   They run away, they avoid, they reject others before they get rejected, they're shame filled, they're immature. That is your closure. Just know that their actions have nothing to do with you or your worth. If they were normal or healthy this forum wouldn't exist.

I understand that sometimes it feels like our BPD's were just walking down the street one day and picked up a stick labeled "mentally ill" and kept it as a souvenir but they have been mentally ill way before we can into the picture and will be mentally ill after without committing themselves to intensive core trauma therapy.  Their actions feel very personal especially when we want nothing more than to be loved, idealized and valued by them. Especially when things were once "too good to be true" with them. It's difficult to accept the totality of who they are. The fantasy is no more and that's devastating. It hurts our ego's, our pride, and feels like a sucker punch.

But we have the power to give to ourselves what they cannot give us. We can grieve, heal, learn and grow from this experience. We can create our own closure. And as Kumba-ya and cliche as it sounds this is the most empowering position you can take if you want to move forward. If our ex's could be normal, healthy and well they could be. We just have to accept that they've made a choice to not be.

My ex treated me like hot garbage. Am I garbage? No. I've made peace with closure. Closure is a process. But I didn't lose; I gained myself. They lose. They lose loved ones; they lose us... .  and their chances of peace filled mature reciprocal love... .  nil. They suffer tremendously. I wouldn't wish BPD on anybody.

Spell.

[VeryConfusedNon]

Remove the blockfor a long period of time? or just long enough to get in 5 minutes worth of stalking time? :P

Well... mine blocked me, after I tried to get answers from her... .  a direct clear answer, to which she said she hated me, never liked me that way... .  etc... .  goodbye... *block*...

If you continued contact with her after she painted you black than that is likely to happen. Just know at some point she will remove the block.

[id-crisis]

Jay08, thank you 

[myself]

Closure... .  It's kind of like that famous saying about how a true piece of art may not ever really be finished, it's walked away from or abandonded. So, like other times in life, we need to see this one what for what it is. Then go make some more, if we feel to.

[ExTreme]

The art: see it, appreciate it, and understand what it means to you in all its vulnerability. Consider carefully the decision to put the paintbrush down or not. Be very sure though because there is no going back.