Feeling torn

[LearningToAccept]

Hello,

My dd28 has decided not to go back with her dh or back to their home in another state. He was supposed to be the one 'dumping' her but yesterday he called to ask her to spend New Years Eve at his mom's house to start the drive back to their home on new years day and she said no.

She confessed to her cousins that her dh put a gun to her head during an argument once various months ago. All 4 cousins advised her to leave her dh and I agree with them. I  feel it wouldn't be safe to go back to that relationship and got mad at my dh for encouraging dd28 to go back and give it one more try. My dh who is her step dad is not too happy but I asked him if the dd10 we have in common were in the same situation would he send her back with a guy who put a gun to her head and he couldn't answer. He is very upset at me. He slept in a separate room last night and is now spending the day at Barnes and Noble. He doesn't want to talk to me until his anger for me is gone. He wants dd28's husband to pay for moving/shipping dd28's stuff  to our home and to send her $ every month until she gets her own income. I will give dh his space for now but I just now he wouldn't have sent his own daughter back to a guy who put a gun to her head.

I am disappointed and sad but know that this too shall pass. It looks like dd28 is home for good and I am relieved but worried at the same time. My job as a carer starts right now. She is very low functioning, can't do much math, writes poorly, etc, so her employment prospects are very limited. I will reapply for disability benefits which were denied when she applied 10 years ago and I never appealed.

At least she is hanging out with her good friend who is a positive influence, hard worker, etc.

I am beginning a new chapter in my life with dd28 and I have mixed feelings. I am also mad at my dh and guilty at the same time. Agrrwww so many emotions at once, but I sense peace in the background and i am grateful for this peace. I feel like these events are happening in the foreground but I remain anchored in the background. I know this is the hand of the god of my understanding. I am not religious but spiritual.

I am afraid I've done some damage to my marriage. I am afraid I pushed hubby too far but I feared for dd28's safety and sense my husband was more concerned with the logistics and the financial aspect of the separation and the move.

Have any of you felt this torn before?

Learning

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

LearningToAccept -

Yes, I have been in this place of feeling torn - in two - shredded between the needs of everyone in my family. Please be caustious to not lose yourself in all this. It is easy to do when we feel very strong need to be the carer for our grown child.

My DD26 also is low functioning cognitively - dx as non-verbal learning disability - effects her fine motor (writing), math, processing speed... .  DD wants to work but cannot get past the initial interview - even for a dishwashing job. She too has stuggled since age 19 trying to get her SSI disability. She does get some county benefits - please look into this for your D. She can be her own household, you can be loaning her 'rent', while she applies for the SSI. In our county DD has gotten adult medicaid (a brand new category), food stampls and a small cash amount (this cash will be paid back if she gets a lump sum from SSI).

Having medical records is so important to getting the SSI - need it written by a professional. They might send her to get evaluated  - expect to get denied and then appeal. DD has a lawyer for her current appeal. And it can take many months to get through the appeal.

I can also understand you dh feelings. My dh withdrew too, more than once in DD's life. Have compassion for him. You will need him. CAn you validate his feelings, even as his actions seem so unacceptable?

How does this impact your D10?

The other question - does the gun to head story fit with other things you D shares about her hubby?

Let us know how things are going. HOpe this ramble lets you know how much I am thinking of you. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF TOO.

qcr  

[LearningToAccept]

Qcr

My dd28 and yours have a lot in common. Mine had complications at birth and has been dx with learning disabilities. She is very verbal and opinionated and speaks two languages fluently but can't write very well. 

I don't doubt the gun incident. Her dh also has anger issues and loves guns. His parents are decent hard working people but he always hung out with the wrong crowd. His own mother doesn't speak too fondly of him. Dd28 and him have had a few fights that have turned violent. According to him my dd always hits him first. They treat each other very badly and verbally abuse each other most days. Even if the gun incident is a fabrication I think they are better off not together.

I am glad you feel my dh's request wasn't acceptable. My sister also feels the same way and knowing that others see things the  way I do helps me navigate my confusion a little better. My dh is coming around. He just bought fire works for tonight, but isn't talking to me much yet.

He's been in the military (reserves) for over 30 years and his thinking can be very black and white at times. He is a very good father and very hard working.

My dd10 isn't aware of what's going on yet. I will give her a watered down version of events later tonight when I pick her up at her friend's house.

We are now going to the neighbors to see their fire work display for a little while and asked dd28 to join us. She seems to be in a good place right now.

Thanks for your reply qcr.

Fondly,

Learning 

[lbjnltx]

Thinking of you Learning!

Take a note from qcarol... .  advocate for her and not force help on her... .  when parents care more and invest more in helping their adult children than the adult child does they set themselves up for disappointment and resentment... .  especially dads.  

Sometimes pwBPD (and even non's) return to abusive partners... .  the more you do FOR her the less she is invested in her own life choices for a better future... .  and the opposite is true too... .  no guarantees.

Knowing she is safe is a relief I am sure... .  I hope and pray this is the beginning of a new way of life for her.

lbj