Idealization over the holidays

[Gimme Peace]

It was a pleasant but unnerving holiday season this year. He was in total idealization mode, as opposed to the "dark side",  but it had

me on edge because I always seem to be caught off guard when he goes the other way and it's back to devaluation. I know it's coming but can't seem to predict when it will happen. I only know it happens right after the idealization period. I tried to enjoy the holiday but I'm very cautious of the push-pull pattern.

He started therapy (one time so far) and says that "all he has to do is learn how to make me like him again". That seems to be his goal from therapy and he is being unrealistic. Once again, he's pinning everything on how I react to his behavior. He admitted he wants approval from me and will do anything to get it.

I just want a normal relationship but know it's not going to happen. I've been making plans to leave and maybe he is aware of that so he's trying to "win me back". Yo-yo mode.

I'm exhausted but thankful he didn't ruin it this year.  Very glad the holidays are over.  Whew.

[mccarthyhome3]

Idk what to say, glad your holidays were good, but it sucks when u have to be extra cautious just because their being nice... .  its always hard for me to relax when mines acting"right"... .  good luck, maybe he'll stay this way (stranger things have happened... .  right?)

[Validation78]

Hi Happy!

Glad your holidays were better than in the past!

Most of us have learned that pwBPD have a very keen ability to sense the emotions of those around them, even when we think we are doing a great job of covering up. If you are planning to leave, I imagine that it would be impossible to keep that completely under wraps. He may sense something is up. Additionally, since BPD is cyclical, no matter what's up, he is bound to dysregulate again, for some unknown reasons anyway. However, this time, he has good reason to fear abandonment since it's what you're planning!

How are you going to handle it if he asks you flat out if you are planning to leave him? If you tell him the truth, how do you think he will handle it?

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Gimme Peace]

Hi Val... .  He's high functioning and intelligent, we've had the discussion and he knows that I am willing to walk away at this point. My "planning" consists of saving money so that I have enough to leave, when I'm ready. We've had discussions when he is lucid and understands that his erratic behavior would be intolerable for most people. He often tells me that he "feels sorry for what I have to put up with", etc.  He appears to be filled with shame those times.  But the bottom line is when he's dysregulated, he can't seem to do anything about his behavior and it can go on for days/weeks. So to answer your question, he already knows there is a consequence to his mood swings and long periods of silence and dysregulation.  He's going to a therapist now and appears to feel very optimistic that he can "get better".  I have a more "wait and see" attitude.  I would love to believe that he really is going to improve, but his behavioral patterns over the last decade suggest that he is mentally ill and will continue to be forever.

It makes me feel more in control to know that I can walk out when/if I want to and makes the situation more tolerable.  Feeling more in control of my own course of action lessens the household tension (for me, at least) and helps me cope on a day to day basis. I know I can leave if I want to (soon I will have enough saved). I realize that he fears abandonment but I have no ability to placate him at this point, I have to look out for my own future.

[Gimme Peace]

McCarthy, if only the good mood could last... .  But we know it won't and that makes it impossible to relax. Welcome to the roller coaster of having a BPD partner.